Advice for dealing with a child's heartbreak

Parent Cafe
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<p>kelowna - just wondering – if your 18 year old d had anorexia, would you do everything you could to get her professional help, or would you sit back, conclude it was her life and figure she’d eat when she wanted to?<br>
if your 18 year old d had an alcohol problem, would you do your best to get her to go to rehab, or would you sit back, conclude she’d enroll herself when she felt like it?
if your 18 year old d was having panic attacks and couldn’t get her school work done, would you sit back, conclude she’d calm herself down and deal with things, or would you try to steer her to counseling services?</p>

<p>parenting isn’t all black and white. personally, i don’t think our jobs end when they register to vote. there is certainly a continuum – on the one end, them making decisions we might not like, but us having to respect that they are adults and get to learn from their stupid mistakes, and at the other end, us realizing that they are having problems they simply are not able to cope with and that they might need a lifeline – and us still feeling it is our job to try to help them grab for that lifeline. it is not always easy for a parent to know where on that continuum a child’s behavior falls – it is certainly even less so for someone reading on a message board to make that determination.</p>

<p>i am not trying to imply that the op’s situation is as extreme as the examples i mentioned above – not having more direct knowledge of the situation, i wouldn’t presume to – the examples were used for means of illustration that sometimes a parent needs to consider trying to help their child seek professional help for a problem that is simply outside their control – and it really isn’t easy for an outsider reading a message board to conclude when a child is at that point. and even in those situations, a solution will not be found unless the d ends up agreeing that she needs that help – but a parent can try to help them see that. its not an easy thing because our “help” isn’t always seen in the positive light it is intended. but i think the parent in that situation needs help finding the best way to offer that help, not being told that their help isn’t necessary because of the age of the child. (i also recognize that in some situations, the best way to help may be to step back, but again, its not simply a matter of the child’s age – its a matter of finding the best way to help.)</p>

<p>personally, i think the op is articulating a very reasonable approach – a concerned parent who is trying to help her d help herself without pushing too hard. i wish her much luck in trying to walk the tightrope.</p>

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<p>bizymom, thank you so much for putting into words what I tried to do yesterday in response to kelowna’s comments about my daughter being an adult. Three times I attempted a response, but they all sounded very negative and that was not my intent. </p>

<p>No, my daughter’s situation is not as serious as anorexia or alcoholism, but her choices in response to his actions are disturbing. I want her to be a happy, healthy young woman and that is not what I have been seeing.</p>

<p>I believe the whole child to be important, not just her academic side. Turning 18, imo, does not automatically qualify one as an adult.</p>

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<p>

Of course I would be reacting , not sitting back and waiting for my D to solve it by herself. But it sounds like worriedmom has been doing a lot to help her daughter over the past two years without acomplishing much. Maybe D is reacting because mom is interfering too much ? Maybe she is reacting because mom is not interfering enough? Who knows?
We all say things because of our life experiences, our experiences are however very different. We do not know everything about D in question to even start making suggestions but we were asked for an opinion. So we present them. In a non judgmenal way. If you can’t take an answer, why ask the question?</p>

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<p>post #33

post # 43

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<p>if it is your intent to offer nonjudgmental opinions, perhaps in the future you should avoid accusing a parent of acting like an 18 year old. it just didn’t come across as nonjudgmental to me – in fact it came across as very judgmental which is why i wrote. my guess is it came across that way to the op as well.</p>

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<p>Well, I guess I did sound judgmental .
What I am trying to say, while being sympathetic, is that we ask questions when we already know the answers. Nobody knows our own situations as well as we do. On this board we can disclose what we want to disclose and hide what we want to hide.
People try to answer our questions, but we already know the answers (right or wrong, who knows?), we are just looking for moral support to proceed on tha path that we have already chosen. Most of us , anyway :slight_smile: Then we get angry when people look at our situation differently, from a different perspective.
I fell sorry for worriedmom, but I clearly feel that what she has been doing so far did not work so she has to try a totally different approach. That is it from me on this subject.</p>

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<p>I agree that D could really benefit from seeing a therapist. </p>

<p>Someone earlier suggested that if D refuses to see a therapist, then OP should see one herself. </p>

<p>As I see it, advantages to OP of seeing a therapist are:</p>

<p>-a better understanding of D
-professional, experienced coaching and feedback on her and DH’s interactions with D
-setting an unspoken example for D</p>

<p>OP is asking for help for herself, and imo seeing a therapist can help.</p>

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<p>After having been through a few girlfriends now, I have learned to back off from any of my sons’ relationships. Didn’t most of us, except perhaps the lucky few, experience heartbreak and pain in relationships growing up? I don’t think it was the norm for parents to rush in to rescue their kids then, as it seems to be now. Another symptom of the over-protective and over-involved baby boom generation.</p>

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<p>I happen to agree with HH, completely.</p>

<p>The overhovering, trying to protect our kids from every scrape and difficult emotional event will not serve them well in the future.</p>

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<p>My goodness, I, too, agree with HH! :slight_smile: </p>

<p>As a mom of 4 Ds, we’ve been through the break-up heartbreak several times. It’s not fun. Probably the most important lesson I’ve learned is to say less and listen more. Each child is going to have a different reaction to this type of heartbreak. We’ve been through the extremes of days of crying to no visible reaction at all, and everything in between. It’s important that your child know that you’re there to listen, if and when they feel like talking. I have one D who when she and a very long-term boyfriend broke up, didn’t talk about it to me for three weeks. This boy had LIVED with us for eight months due to a horrific home experience, so when he packed up one day and left without a word of thanks/goodbye/good riddance, I obviously knew that something was up. She dealt with it in her way and a few weeks later, we had many a long discussion of what had happened. </p>

<p>Another D is one who is more visibly emotional about these things and so lots of tears and commisserating happened right away. The other two are, thankfully, somewhere in between their sisters. :slight_smile: Break-ups, getting back together, less than loving treatment, by significant others is, sadly, something that all of us will probably experience in our lives. There really is no magic solution, as a parent, to ease the pain for a child in this situation. I remember back to when my mother was trying to do it for me, and it is no easier for me now with my children.</p>

<p>No parent wants to see their kid in pain, but sometimes there’s just no way to avoid it, and, in the long run, it does make them stronger. I’ve seen it from my own experience, and that of my Ds. They are, at some point, able to objectively look at that past relationship and realize that, despite the pain at the time, they are more than likely better off without that person in their lives. The key, as a parent, is to support your child, relative to their reaction and needs, in the situation. And also, it’s a good idea not to say negative things about the significant other!</p>

<p>Unless the boy is actually abusive (and sometimes even if he is!), it’s difficult to step in and prohibit or discourage the relationship. The reality is that until the girl is in a position where she is fed up with being treated like this, things likely won’t change.</p>

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<p>Considering that this problem has existed for two entire years, I would not characterize OP’s concerns now as being premature. </p>

<p>Given the length of time that this problem has persisted, I would instead still think that some sort of professional intervention is in order–for the D and/or for the OP.</p>

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<p>to those that say back off, read the posts again</p>

<p>the girl in question made some seriouslly bad decisions</p>

<p>and you wouldn’t step in aqnd discourage an abusive relationship? I sure would…</p>

<p>if the kid is a drug user or alcoholic, are you saying we should not say anything? egad…yeah, let my 16 year old date an alcoholic and go out alone with him, yep that’s a good plan</p>

<p>this situation is not a “normal” one…the girl in question has been making really bad choices and it is affecting her life, schooling and future…and unless the pattern is stopped now, it will only get worse and more difficult and the guys will get worse as well</p>

<p>and having seen women, my mom included, repeat the same pattern with “icky” men, many do not suddenly realize they have been treated like dirt,they jsut try and go out and rescue another one</p>

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<p>Thank you, cgm.</p>

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<p>am glad dad is inthe picture, and there is stuff he can do…he can be straight with his D, not make ultimatums about the boy, but Dad can talk about himself, and how hard it is for him to see his D hurting, and that real men don’t treat women that way</p>

<p>D is looking to Dad for how females should be treated, and he is in the position to share what he knows as a man, a real man</p>

<p>It can be done, and while dad may not be able to solve anything, he can put in his two cents</p>

<p>I draw the line at abusive, and would indeed seperate them, why we let them run all over us because they pout baffles me</p>

<p>and worriedmom, I know that you know your D, and know this isn’t jsut a “normal” teen breakup get back together thing, it is more serious than that, and trust your gut instincts…</p>

<p>what Dad can do is stuff that dad’s find comfortable, jsut go to a ball game, a movie, out to dinner, with no agenda, he can pick and choose his time to talk, but also, its important that he is just there for his little girl, as he should be</p>

<p>my D actually lost a good friend because of the friend’s relationship, the boy had some serious issues, and he tried to talk girl into running away, and they actually did go for a night</p>

<p>all this girl did was talk about the dramas with “chuck”, his family, his rehab, and my D was the only friend that was straight with the girl and said he was bad news, that she was tired of hearing all the heartache, because the girl kept going back for more, etc…my D was sad when the friendship waned, but she didn’t want to be like the other girls and just feed the drama and potential physical and mental pain. She told the girl she would always be there for her, etc, but the girl just didn’t want to hear that her BF was a jerk, an alcoholic, and didn’t really care about her because he let her run away with him</p>

<p>our college tour with this friend was almost ruined because of this boy (the calls, the texting, the tears, etc) </p>

<p>the girl chose to pull away from my D, but my D just felt so strongly about not being co-dependent with this girl, she talked straight to her, and when the girlfriend pulled away and chose the mean, abusive bf instead, my D realized that she wasn’t all that important to her friend</p>

<p>the horrid dramas with the boyfriend continued, with STD, running away, etc, and that was in part because everyone else kept saying, oh but he loves you, or its okay, you can work it out, I think if more of her supposed “friends” were as honest as my D was, the girl would have dumped him sonner </p>

<p>so do what you are doing, be worried, and you see what we don’t</p>

<p>not all boys are just stupid in relationships, some are cruel, and manipulative and know exactly what they are doing- push, pull, and for whatever reason, some girls, very nice ones, get sucked into it all</p>

<p>I would take that “care giver” mode and channel it in other directions- find a volunteer opportunity you can do as a family, or with her friends- walkthons, soup kitchens, beach clean-ups, shelters, something she can put her energy into that wil be helping others, but in a good and worthwhile, useful way</p>

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<p>When my D had a bullying issue at school, we did alot of volunteering with her friends, she was open to it, and it was a lot of fun</p>

<p>so my recommendation is get another mom, find a group that needs help, get 4-5 girls and guys together and do something- beach cleanups, sandwich making, soup kitchen, something where they are busy, especially your D, helping others and your D will be using that energy of wanting to help and channeling it to a good cause</p>

<p>I suggest volunteering because it is doing for others, seeing beyond your own stuff, and it is good for Mom as well</p>

<p>It easy to just go to a movie with friends, or the mall, but that is the same ole thing, something that makes you feel good because you are helping others changes you a bit, and that can effect other parts of your life- you feel worthy and a bit noble and a bit, see what I did, along with making others feel good- that brings back some self worth - something D may need right now- it won’t happen over night, but its a step</p>

<p>Approach it as, Hey, D, so and so called me, and we heard about the shelter needing sandwiches this week, so we are getting together with people to see if you all can make 200 sandwiches…I volunteered to donate the bread, and our date to do it is next Sunday. </p>

<p>Don’t connect it in any way to the current situation, not at all, but just life moving on and a new project popped up…</p>

<p>It can help bridge that gap, the D will be busy being silly with her friends, and no talk of the BF…</p>

<p>Pick another time to do that, but at the same time, create situations and events where D sees that she can be happy, have a good time, enjoy herself and does have friends who treat her well</p>

<p>It taking care of all sides of your D, helping others, and having fun- there can be a tranformation that occurs when you see your efforts really help someone, but in an appropriate way, not the way some people feel the need to</p>

<p>don’t let D try and get out of it, it is something that is happening, and if the other mom pulls her in, she will agree without much “can’t make me stuff”, if she is trying to be contrary for the sake of being difficult</p>

<p>if she does indeed breakup with this boy, and is serious about it, here is a trick you can show her</p>

<p>put a rubber band on the wrist and snap it everytime you think of him</p>

<p>erase his number from the cell phone, take him off of Iinstant messenger as a friend, put a note on the phone, don’t talk to you know who…</p>

<p>hopefully that time will come, and keep on doing what you are doing, trust yourself and how you see what is going on, mom’s need to do that, too often we ignore serious signs, and girls and boys that are in a disfunctional relationship often turn to other coping mechanisms- cutting, drugs, food, etc- as they don’t think they have the tools to deal- and its better to be aware and taking it seriouslly then it being to late later</p>

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<p>It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since I started this thread. </p>

<p>And . . . there is good news! Yes, time is a great healer. It simply takes some people longer than others to heal. :(</p>

<p>My daughter had a rough start to her freshman year, due in part to her inability to cut this boy out of her heart. Right before Christmas break, however, she met someone in one of her classes. They talked every day of break. </p>

<p>The old bf called her during break and asked her to come over to a party he was attending, but my daughter had plans with friends and didn’t want to break them, so she declined. She talked to him a couple of times during break, but never saw him.</p>

<p>When she returned to school in January she started hanging out with and then started dating the new boy. They have been together since then and she is SOOO happy. He treats her like a queen. He is very focused and goal oriented and supports and encourages her in her studies. They have some common classes and spend time studying together. </p>

<p>Of course, the old bf decided to contact her after it was posted on her Facebook that she was “in a relationship.” I was nervous because she said she couldn’t believe he was contacting her now–she was finally so happy. She talked to him and found out how he was doing and said that was it. Thank the Lord she didn’t let him pull her back in.</p>

<p>So . . . to any moms out there who are going through this with their daughters, it may take a while, but it does end. My daughter said this week she can’t believe she allowed herself to be treated the way she was treated. She loves the way she is treated now. He is a great guy who doesn’t need fixing and it is wonderful!:)</p>

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<p>Although we know our children’s hearts will heal eventually, it’s tough watching them as they go through it. Boy, being a parent isn’t easy, is it?!</p>

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<p>Great news worriedmom. Thanks for posting!</p>

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<p>Thank you, woody! Good news doesn’t seem to have the appeal of problems or drama, but I thought I might be of some help to other parents or daughters who are going through a rough time.</p>

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<p>Just saw the last entry, and I’m so glad for you.</p>

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<p>Thanks for posting the update…wonderful news!</p>