<p>Last night my 18 year old daughter went to a party with a friend. (Her friend was driving.) She called her dad to come and get her around midnight because she was very drunk. She was throwing up when he went to pick her up and she threw up again on the ride home. I got her into the shower and cleaned up and put her to bed. I stayed next to her the rest of the night checking for possible alcohol poisoning. She is still asleep as I write this and I am wondering what I am going to do.</p>
<p>Last month we took her car away from her because she came home and had obviously been drinking (and driving). We told her we could not stop her from drinking but we could not allow her to kill or hurt herself or someone else. We thought she learned her lesson from this, but apparently not.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what to do. I know she will be able to do whatever she wants in college, but she is still under my watch now. Please give me some feedback. I really don’t know how to approach this as I am feeling worried, upset, disappointed, angry, and sad all at the same time.</p>
<p>If this was/is a case of a young person experimenting and overdoing it for the first time because of inexperience/ignorance about the amount vs. effect of alcohol, I wouldn’t be as worried. With this being the second case of drinking to excess, if it were me- I’d go to a trusted family counselor (without daughter). Ask their advice on where to go from here.</p>
<p>Usually when a kid (or anyone) drinks to the point of sickness, their inclination is “I don’t ever want to drink again”. Hopefully that is the way she feels right now.</p>
<p>I might be very concerned that these were not the only two times. Will she honestly talk with you about it? If she is drinking to that excess, drunk driving is probably not the only thing you have to worry about, with loss of inhibition, etc. Now, you not only have the driving thing, but AIDS awareness, date rape, other drugs - well, you know the list.</p>
<p>Do you have a clergy member or other youth counselor whom she might trust and whom YOU trust? Removal from school worked wonders for my nephew. Homeschooling - without the constant bombardment of peer pressure, did ease his drinking problem. He’s alcohol-free for 5+ years now. Well, that and that pill he took that makes him sick if he has alcohol. </p>
<p>I’m sure you’ll find a lot of sympathetic parents here.</p>
<ol>
<li>It’s good she wasn’t driving the second time.</li>
<li>It’s good she called you.</li>
</ol>
<p>Make sure that those two things stick: never drink and drive, and always call someone for help if you need it.</p>
<p>I don’t have good advice really. You can ground her until the end of the summer, but that’s especially harsh since she’ll be leaving her friends for college soon. Perhaps enforce a new curfew of 9 PM, no sleepovers unless they’re at your house (under your supervision). If there are parents you know and trust, you could always allow that family to be an exception or talk to the parents beforehand about your concerns and make sure they’ll be home and watchful. Then you can add a more immediate punishment onto that. </p>
<p>If you have a good relationship with your daughter, try just talking to her in the morning. See what she was thinking last night when she kept drinking after she was already very drunk, and talk about how to stop that behavior before getting to a party (i.e. setting a drink limit, drinking slowly, having a buddy system, staying with a sober or almost-sober friend, etc.). I’m focusing on safer drinking habits here, and I think you should too since it shounds as if she’ll definitely be drinking in college. You’ll want to try to make sure that her unsafe and irresponsible behavior of this summer does not go to college with her. </p>
<p>Maybe make her sit down and write herself safer drinking guidelines that she will be able to keep in college, things like “I will never drive after drinking,” “I will never drink by myself,” “I will never have sex after drinking,” “I will always call for help if I think I or someone else may need it,” “I will never get drunk more than X times a week,” “I will never accept a drink from a stranger,” “I will always alternate water and alcohol,” “I will never drink two shots in a row,” “I will always try to stop drinking before getting sick,” “I will never walk home by myself after drinking,” etc. That will probably be a punishment for her, but it will be good for her to come up with guidelines that–and this is the important part–she may actually follow in college. You can read the list afterwards to talk it through together but allow her to keep anything on it private if she wants to.</p>
<p>This is not a problem that is going to be solved with a punishment. Please go to a counselor. If he/she says, after listening to the complete history, that all you need to do is this or that punishment–fine. But I’d definitely ask someone in the professional field.</p>
<p>A drinking problem isn’t going to be solved with punishment, but punishment expresses the fact that this ISN’T okay with Mom & Dad and it IS wrong of her to do. Grounding (of some sort) in this case is important because it will almost ensure that she will no longer be drinking while living at home this summer. If the house rule is no drinking in the home until you’re 21, they should try to enforce it.</p>
<p>Do not punish your daughter. If you do, and she does drink to excess again, she will not call home. </p>
<p>I do think it’s a good idea to tell your D you are worried about her and that you are especially worried because she is going off to college and won’t be able to call Dad to pick her up. You may want to talk to a counselor. But keep in mind that as drunk as she was, she did call home for help and don’t do anything that would convince her that was a mistake.</p>
<p>But she DID learn from this. She called you, and did not go home with her friend.(beause her friend had been drinking, too, perhaps?) I would be very grateful that she didn’t get into a car with a friend who had been dirnking.
For that she derves positive feedback. And hugs.</p>
<p>When young people first start drinking they have no sense about how much is too much. Of course you would prefer that she not drink at all, but if she is soon to be a college student, this wish is unrealistic. She needs to learn how to drink safely.<br>
She doesn’t want to wind up in this condition at college, I would bet. Talk with her about out how much she drank, and talk to her about how much is a safe amount and under what conditions she can get away with one or two drinks. This will require education on her part and yours. There is a lot of information available about alcohol abuse, and the havoc it causes to our bodies. But I would focus on “abuse” as the issue, and her health and safety, and not on whether she should drink or not. It’s pretty obvious that she will be, so your goal is to help her learn what is safe and under what conditions.</p>
<p>I agree that this is not something that can be dealt with by punishing your D. She was sober enough at least to remember to call home to be picked up. No drunk driving. That’s good.
What she needs to realize is, apart from the legal consequences of breaking the law, she may one day find that she drank until she was no longer sober enough to call for a ride or to defend herself against assault.</p>
<p>Some time ago, Harvard did a survey of the incidence of sexual assault on campus; it found that date rape was overwhelmingly associated with drinking. Around that time, I got to a know a young woman who was date raped. She was unable to make the charge stick because it became a case of what she remembered–very hazily–vs. what he claimed happened. She became very angry at the young man who got off scot free but especially at herself for getting herself into this mess and not being able to make her claim stick because of her drunkenness. She started out as an incredibly bright, self-confident young woman and ended up a real psychological case.</p>
<p>This is the sort of scenario, besides the health consequences of excessive drinking, that your D needs to be aware of. You and she can talk about these issues in a totally non-antagonistic way. Reminding her that in college, she will be on her own and will need to cultivate the self-discipline needed not to put herself in harm’s way. If you think she may not be receptive to you, you can ask someone else, preferably someone who has worked with young people, to go over these issues with her.</p>
<p>I think corranged has some good points about giving positive reinforcement to your D for having the good sense to call you. </p>
<p>No matter what you try to do with your D, if she sticks with this particular group of friends and if their lifestyle is to drink to excess, she’s liable to end up in the same situation again. She needs to learn how to choose her friends appropriately and needs to understand that people change and go through phases - i.e. long term friends who might have not been drinkers a year ago might have themselves gotten into that mode and your D should focus on her other friends who don’t drink.</p>
<p>Now’s the time for her to learn this since if she’s about to go away to college she’ll be faced with choosing new friends and figuring out what lifestyles to lead. She really needs to question herself on the friends and lifestyle choices she really wants for herself.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, she definitely shouldn’t have access to driving the car since she’s already been driving while drinking.</p>
<p>Two reasons why someone drinks to excess- either they don’t know how much is too much, or they are an addict. Your daughter is probably the first case. Alcohol education is in order. I do not buy into the Nancy Reganesque “Just Say No” approach to underage drinking. Works about as well as the abstinence based sex ed. Alcohol is going to be around college students, unless they are going to a very strict religious college, whether we like it or not. </p>
<p>They need to learn how to stand there with a beer and act like they’re having a good time, or pace their drinking so that they’re not consuming more than one beer an hour. Many go off to college never having had a conversation with mom and dad other than “don’t do it!”. If your daughter has already been drinking, she will continue to drink in school. I would, at this point, “teach” her how to drink responsibly. </p>
<p>However, don’t listen to me over a counselor. That approach has worked for our family, but may not be appropriate for everyone.</p>
<p>Worried mom - You poor thing! What a scary thing to happen.</p>
<p>I am curious what you consider alcohol poisoning. You said you stayed up all night watching for signs of it. </p>
<p>I was wondering if I would have taken my kid to the ER just in case. It is good she vomited but I would have wondered if she had ingested other substances, and additional alcohol that could have already been absorbed.</p>
<p>So what are the sign for which you watched?</p>
<p>mental confusion, stupor, coma. or person cannot be aroused</p>
<p>vomiting</p>
<p>seizure</p>
<p>slow breathing (10 seconds or more between breaths)</p>
<p>hypothermia, bluish skin color, paleness</p>
<p>I realize this is not a problem that is going to be solved with a punishment. Last month when we took her car away from her, we told her that was not a punishment but something we had to do to keep herself and others safe. She was not grounded as we didn’t see the point since she is 18 and will have to be responsible for all of the choiices she makes very soon. Maybe that was a mistake. . . . I don’t know.</p>
<p>We have always told her to call us if she needs help and we will be there. I think that is why I was especially upset last month when she chose to drink and drive. She didn’t drive home last night but that’s because her friend drove to the party, so I can’t give her credit for being responsible there. I’m not sure yet what happened to the friend. </p>
<p>I am wondering why she got so drunk last night. What was she thinking?! I have never seen her like this! I am just beside myself. I am working on almost no sleep so this is just a train of though kind of post. sorry If I’m rambling. </p>
<p>I’m sure she will not go to a counselor. She was in counseling before for self-esteem issues relating to her boyfriend (now ex-bf) and she finally just stopped talking to the psychologist even though she went to the appointments.</p>
<p>Corranged, I think maybe I will try some of your ideas. Anyone else? I want to get it together before she wakes up. Thanks. I hope this makes sense. I am so tired.</p>
<p>worriedmom, you have my sympathies. This is tough.</p>
<p>You will have to work this out your own way, but if this can help:</p>
<p>Try not to get upset/angry/emotional when you talk to her. Try to be calm and matter-of-fact. Tell her you will not punish her IF:
–She agrees to go to AA with you, and continues to go on her own.
–She maintains contact with an AA sponsor.
–She starts to put space between herself and her ‘partying’ friends, and develops a strategy about how to handle situations that include alcohol and drugs.<br>
–She talks about all those steps above with you, so you can rest easier that she will be safe out there, both now and in the future.</p>
<p>It’s a fact that now and from now on she will be in situations that include alcohol. Building up her strength in dealing with this will be a challenge that you can face together.</p>
<p>Doubleplays points about teaching responsible drinking is good. Unless she is highly disciplined and has learned her lesson last night, she will drink again.</p>
<p>Main emphasis should be on having a designated driver, always. The one who DRINKS NOTHING.</p>
<p>According to my kids, the trouble drinkers in college are the ones who never experienced in HS. The nerdy kids with no social life or freedom.
If that is true, she will be more able to resist peer pressure in college.</p>
<p>Teach her about the effects of alcohol on brain development and the rest of the body. If you can keep your kid from drinking until age 21-25, the damage will be less.</p>
<p>Parent, don’t drink in front of your kids if you don’t want them to drink.</p>
<p>What you do know is that she didn’t go home with a drunk friend, but embarrassed herself and called you instead. For that, she definitely deserves credit.</p>
<p>My concern with taking an 18 year old kid who is not yet a serious alcoholic, is that she will come into contact with SERIOUS ALCOHOLICS, even 18 year old serious ones. She doesn’t sound serious, from your description of two incidences.</p>
<p>I’d work more from the aspect of education at home, school, church, provide books or videos if communication isn’t at its height. Has she taken health yet at school?</p>
<p>1 don’t think that punishment is the answer either. I agree that punishment would probably cause her D to hide the drinking and possibly risk her life by drinking and driving or riding with someone who’s drink. </p>
<p>I think it would be very important to talk to your D and to let her know how dangerous what she did was.
If you look in the cc archives, you’ll find posts by and about a CC member named Lucifer (plus some numbers after his name) who was a freshman at Cornell who died last year after heavy drinking while visiting a friend at University of Virginia. You also can find news stories about him, too. He was from St. Louis.</p>
<p>Lucifer had posted often on CC, discussing how much he drank, and how he knew he’d be OK because if he overimbibed, his friends would take care of him. Parents here – including a doctor who told Lucifer about kids whom she had seen die from alcohol overuse – tried to warn him , but Lucifer pooh poohed our concerns,.</p>
<p>Anyway, if you can find his story that may help your D to realize how dangerous what she’s doing is. It does seem that she listens to you since she didn’t drive while drunk, and she also called for a ride.</p>
<p>It also may be a good idea to talk with a therapist or counselor familiar with alcohol problems just in case your D is showing signs of early alcoholism. I am not trying to scare you nor am I overreacting. I used to work in the field, and there really are adolescents, including girls, whose drinking qualifies as alcoholic drinking. If that is the case with your D, you’ll definitely need an experienced and licensed counselor or therapist’s help to cope with the situation.</p>
<p>I wish you and your family well as you address this painful situation. It’s good that you’re not closing your eyes to your D’s behavior.</p>
<p>from one “worried mom” to another, you have all my sympathies! I agree with both doubleplay and corranged. I think a combination of some sort of professional alcohol education program coming from an outside more objective source than the parents, followed by making up a personalized list of reasons to not drink or how to drink safely - an internal contract with oneself if you will - might be a good route to try. Talking this over with mom and making up a list the day after when one still fills the side effects might work but possibly only for a short while since the physical side effects are only short term and will be forgotten a few weeks or months down the road (If every young person who got sick after drinking learned from their experience and either gave it up or at least drank more responsibly because they remembered how awful they felt, we would not have the problems we currently do!)</p>
<p>By the way, my own “DS” just had a court appearance for a first offense midemeanor DWI yesterday - and this after having had a drinking-related incident at college last fall during his freshman yr. He was fortunately not excessively drunk but still legally intoxicated. And under 21.</p>
<p>One of the “punishments” he received is a mandatory 12-hour alcohol education/assessment program which he will be attending next week and which I understand includes a pretty horrific presentation by MADD that you may not want to see after eating. I think I will try corranged’s suggestions with him following this program with the hope that this time he will actually “internalize” and learn from this.</p>
<p>Oh and the consequences for him included license suspended for 6 months, and will cost HIM about $700 to get it reinstated. Also no further car privileges from parents. Ever. He will be responsible for his own car and those higher insurance rates from here on out…</p>
<p>Not sure where your DD is going to college, but alcohol cultures at schools can vary a lot. Not just how much drinking there is, but what the administration’s priorities are. Some colleges have policies that kids who drink enough to need medical attention are expelled. This may discourage some kids from drinking or drinking heavily, but for those who do, their friends react by not getting them medical attention unless they’re 100% sure they need it and tragedies can result. Other schools have a safety first culture, but some parents feel that encourages drinking. </p>
<p>I’m glad your D. called for a ride, and hope all goes well.</p>