<p>worriedmom…I remember the summer between college and hs as being a major party summer for me. I’d been a “good girl” throughout most of hs and really cut loose. Looking back a big part of it was anxiety about the change, leaving my firends and the security of my life as I had known it. Your daughter may be drinking because of similar reasons, and if she is like me she won’t neccessarily admit it. I think you have gotton some good advice here re. not scolding/punishing but talking about it and expressing your concerns. The poster who said she would not call next time if you came down on her this time is right. Best of luck!</p>
<p>My experience with outside alcohol programs (as a professional), epecially court mandated ones or public ones, or free ones, is that they are not very good. The private ones are very expensive and they aren’t that good either. Insurance plans vary widely in coverage.</p>
<p>If your daughter can read, and you, worried mom OP, sound like a good communicater, you should be the primary educator. If you can’t discuss amicably, get her books and videos.</p>
<p>If she goes to any program, I would attend with her if allowed. There are acceptable ones that are for parents and children who attend jointly.</p>
<p>Our public school did a good job also.</p>
<p>I would have been tempeted to not clean her up and she would have had to wash all the cars and do all laundry because of the smell of vomit</p>
<p>not punishment that is reallity</p>
<p>Good suggestion. You’re right; it’s not punishment. It’s enforcing responsibility for the logical consequences of actions. My experience with alcoholics/compulsive gamblers is that they don’t get enough of this. Scolding, punishment, etc., can actually reinforce the behavior; the person may feel that once it’s over, they’re off the hook. Denial is rampant, and is reinforced by other people straightening out their messes.</p>
<p>I agree that one way of her realizing how problematic her behavior was would have been for her to have had to have cleaned up her vomit.</p>
<p>When I was in the alcohol rehabilitation field, I remember a man who came into treatment because while drunk, he had voided, and his wife didn’t clean him up even though their son saw the man in that condition. When the man got sober, he realized what he had done and realized how out of control hsi drinking had become.</p>
<p>My husband had to go somewhere early this morning and did not want the vomit to still be on the passenger side door. He also wanted to get the vomit out of the upholstery in his car ASAP. I left her clothes on the floor of her bathroom and she can deal with those when she wakes up. </p>
<p>I don’t think she is an alcoholic or on her way to becoming an alcoholic. I think she is a very foolish teenager who can have some very serious (and possibly lasting) consequences as a result if she doesn’t beahve responsibly.</p>
<p>Much like you were saying, historymom, my sister thinks my daughter is partying it up because she is still in a safe environment where she knows everyone and knows that we will be there to bail her out if she gets into trouble. Soon she will be in a new environment with (mostly)new friends and no one she can count on for sure. Lots of stress. I don’t know if I agree with my sister, but it’s one way of looking at it. </p>
<p>She still hasn’t woken up yet and I’ve not yet had any sleep. This parenting thing is tough. Thanks to everyone for their advice, sympathies, and good wishes. I appreciate it. Keep it coming.</p>
<p>worriedmom89,</p>
<p>You stated:</p>
<p>“I am wondering why she got so drunk last night. What was she thinking?! I have never seen her like this! I am just beside myself. I am working on almost no sleep so this is just a train of though kind of post. sorry If I’m rambling.”</p>
<p>I have been very frustrated by my D’s behavior this summer as she, too, is behaving totally unlike herself.</p>
<p>My doctor recommended I see a counselor as I was a ball of worry. My D is 19 and my doctor suggested since she is a legal adult I needed a different relationship with her. Your D is 18 and I assume in your state 18 means a legal adult.</p>
<p>When I spoke to the counselor it was recommended that I bring my D with me as I was the one who needed to establish a different relationship and the appointment was for me. To make a long story short my D went with me and during the session after an outburst from my D the counselor asked me to leave! </p>
<p>It turned out the Mom Radar was working and there was something going on. The counselor told me it was nothing illegal or unsafe - but that my D did need to sort some things out. My D has continued to meet with the counselor and is now much calmer and I see bits and pieces of her old self.</p>
<p>And, yes, my D has seen a counselor previously and was not interested in seeing a therapist again. In this case though the appointment was truly for me, but I was preempted!</p>
<p>“I don’t think she is an alcoholic or on her way to becoming an alcoholic. I think she is a very foolish teenager who can have some very serious (and possibly lasting) consequences as a result if she doesn’t beahve responsibly.”</p>
<p>Please talk to a professiona and also have your D assessed by a professional familiar with problem drinkersl. None of us including you has enough information to judge whether your D is alcoholic or on the way to being alcoholic.</p>
<p>I agree that she’s made some bad decisions, but if what’s going on is more than that, then now may be your best opportunity to address the situation with professional help. THe older our students get, the less likely we are to know about their daily lives or to be able to force them to get help for any problems they have.</p>
<p>It’s very possible that she has been drinking far more than you know. When I was in college, I had a close friend, a petite female who could have passed for a 14-year-old, who was drinking by herself a case of beer a week. No one knew including her roommates. Apparently, most of the time that I saw her, she was drunk, but her behavior didn’t reflect that, and I had no clue about her heavy drinking until she told me years later.</p>
<p>When I was in the field, I also had some high school clients who had been drinking at home for a long time - -some even in middle school – , and their parents – who were very caring – had no clue. There really are ways to hide one’s drinking. No matter how involved you are with your D, I doubt that you’ve found out every time she has been drinking. </p>
<p>"my sister thinks my daughter is partying it up because she is still in a safe environment where she knows everyone and knows that we will be there to bail her out if she gets into trouble. Soon she will be in a new environment with (mostly)new friends and no one she can count on for sure. "</p>
<p>I think it’s likely that your sister is wrong. When your D is away from home, she’ll have even more opportunity to party, and if she’s this out of control now when her parents can see what’s going on, I fear things will be worse later.</p>
<p>One last thing – females (and males for that matter) who drink like your D drinks are at higher than normal risk of being raped. Possibly the majority of date rapes happen while a woman is drunk. Some males will take advantage of such a woman or will themselves be so drunk that they don’t know the woman hasn’t consented. Some also will deliberately slip something in a woman’s drink.</p>
<p>When I was in the field, I treated several women who had been date raped – even gang raped – while drunk. My best friend from high school also was raped – twice – while drunk. One person who raped her was a minister’s son who raped her in his home. If your sister happens to be right and your D somehow thinks it’s safe for her to drink heavily now, she is very wrong.</p>
<p>I also treated some women who started drinking heavily after being raped, molested or having some other trauma – more reason to get to a counselor, to help your D figure out what’s going on.</p>
<p>NSM:</p>
<p>I am glad you brought up the danger of rape, as I did. Harvard’s rather tough enforcement of drinking rules (compared to Yale, for instance, which has resulted in yearly complaints from both sets of students around Game time) followed up the study of the incidence of rape and sexual assaults.</p>
<p>While she’s still asleep, what if you went into her bedroom with paper and pencil and composed a note, “What I am wondering, as I look at you now” in list form. WOnder: what will you do in college when there’s nobody to call? What will you do if a boy sees you this way and takes advantage? etc.
Sign it with a loving signature.
Then, P.,S. After you’ve thought about this, come and talk to me about it.</p>
<p>I don’t know, it’s just another idea. </p>
<p>Perhaps she’s going to wake up with a hammering headache, so maybe it’s to save for when you discuss it, rather than just leave it beside her now to see upon waking? </p>
<p>I do find that it’s better to tell kids to come and talk to me, but don’t let more than half a day go by. If they come to you, it’s as if they decided to talk to you. She knows she’s going to have to face you today. The harder thing is having her face herself.</p>
<p>“Alcohol is by far the drug of choice among adolescents. It is the most used and abused mood-altering substance among pre-teens and teenaged children. Although some teens report it is easier to get illegal drugs than buy alcohol, the overall social acceptability of alcohol and the pervasive advertising that suggests alcohol creates a positive and rewarding experience often leads both teens and their parents to think drinking is simply a rite of passage with little danger over the long run. Some studies suggest that there could be as many as four million alcoholics under the age of 18, three years younger than the legal drinking age. The age when children begin drinking alcohol has decreased over the last few decades. Many children are already experimenting with alcohol in the fifth grade, many more than were just 10 years ago when teens were more likely to start drinking in eighth or ninth grade. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of ninth-graders report that they tried alcohol before the age of 13 and had used alcohol within the past month.” <a href=“Teenage Drug Use Statistics [2023]: Data & Trends on Abuse”>Teenage Drug Use Statistics [2023]: Data & Trends on Abuse;
<p>Some other important info. OP, I know you were trying to be a good mom by staying awake and with her when she came home drunk. However, she still could have died of alcohol poisoning.</p>
<p>"Critical Signs for Alcohol Poisoning</p>
<p>Mental confusion, stupor, coma, or person cannot be roused.
Vomiting.
Seizures.
Slow breathing (fewer than eight breaths per minute).
Irregular breathing (10 seconds or more between breaths).
Hypothermia (low body temperature), bluish skin color, paleness.
What Should I Do If I Suspect Someone Has Alcohol Poisoning?
Know the danger signals.
Do not wait for all symptoms to be present.
Be aware that a person who has passed out may die.
If there is any suspicion of an alcohol overdose, call 911 for help. Don’t try to guess the level of drunkenness.
What Can Happen to Someone With Alcohol Poisoning That Goes Untreated?
Victim chokes on his or her own vomit.
Breathing slows, becomes irregular, or stops.
Heart beats irregularly or stops.
Hypothermia (low body temperature).
Hypoglycemia (too little blood sugar) leads to seizures.
Untreated severe dehydration from vomiting can cause seizures, permanent brain damage, or death."
<a href=“http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/OtherAlcoholInformation/factsAboutAlcoholPoisoning.aspx[/url]”>http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/OtherAlcoholInformation/factsAboutAlcoholPoisoning.aspx</a></p>
<p>There is so much good advice already. The fact that she called you and didn’t drive drunk is at least one big plus in a difficult situation. </p>
<p>I can’t add much, but you might ask her how she think her peers view her when she’s in that condition: drunk, incoherent, out of control, vomiting, etc. Maybe some friends who were there could help paint this picture for her (unless they were drunk too). Of course, appearance is the least of your worries at this point, but nevertheless something that might help make an impression on a teen.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, that is what I was indirectly trying to suggest to people. Go to the ER. There are countless stories of Frat Brothers who left their pledges to sleep it off, and they died.</p>
<p>Death can come so quickly. CPR has high success rates only in medical settings. Good list Northstarmom, thanks!</p>
<p>WorriedMom (aren’t we all) - I don’t have any experience to offer, but I would suggest a good dose of listening. Try to get your daugher talking and let her lead the way. Ask her opened questions and try to find where her head is at (or was at when she was drinking that heavily). It might help you choose the next step.</p>
<p>Teenager I know was caught smoking (not cigs) by her very strict parents. She wrote them a 5 page heartfelt letter explaining all the pressure she felt to perform, how sorry she was, and outlined her own punishment. They ignored the contents of the letter and put her in residential drug rehab. She finally got their attention with an eating disorder. </p>
<p>Sometimes our kids need us to deal out consequences and sometimes they can do it themselves. I think we need to listen more - which is hard for some of us. Your daughter has given you a great platform to talk about the issue of drinking is college and ALL of those issues.</p>
<p>An aside: you might suggest to her that next time she is around people that are drunk (really drunk) have he take a really good look at them. Are they more interesting to anyone other than themselves?</p>
<p>NSM, thanks for posting those links. I especially like the collegedrinkingprevention site which contains MANY useful resources and information for parents, students and educators and is one resource I have referred to frequently during the past year both to further educate myself and educate/re-educate DS! (I was actually just looking back at it as well). Attached is another link from this site, it is a worksheet designed to be filled out by the student during visits with a health care provider but I think it could also be modified or used as a checklist or guide in discussions between parents and students (eg, it includes sections on reasons to not drink/cut down, reasons to drink, a sample drinking agreement, drinking diary cards to monitor your alcohol intake etc. It’s giving me some ideas for further discussions with my own DS to help him understand/monitor/change his drinking behavior.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/NIAAACollegeMaterials/trainingmanual/appendix_a.aspx[/url]”>http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/NIAAACollegeMaterials/trainingmanual/appendix_a.aspx</a></p>
<p>the D can still clean the car and she should and the bathroom, scrub it down</p>
<p>I would also next tim e take a picture of her passed out and covered in vomit and give it to her</p>
<p>and to others, of the car or area they threw up in, they don’t remember it so pictures speak volumes</p>
<p>It seems that the posts are no longer available here of Lucifer(plus some numbers after his name), the CC member from St. Louis who was a Cornell freshman who died of alcohol poisoning while visiting a friend at University of Virginia in March, 2006. But, several newspapers wrote about his death and by Googling, anyone can find out his story including reading excerpts from CC posts in which he said he knew how to handle his liquor. He ended up getting drunk, his friends let him “sleep it off,” and he never woke up. </p>
<p>Thiose could be very important reading for anyone to show their college students.</p>
<p>worriedmom89,
I don’t have any advice for you but just want to wish you well in this situation. It’s obvious that you and your H have a solid, trusting relationship with your D or she never would have called home for the ride from Dad. I think you will work this out with her with a lot of honest talk and listening and that it will be a huge learning experience for her and possibly a wake-up call. I did similar stupid things in high school and college but today I’m a responsible, hard-working person who rarely drinks alcohol (maybe a couple times a month) and when I do I never get even close to being drunk. Teens experiment, they make mistakes and they almost always survive. This is not to downplay the dangers mentioned by others on this thread (date rape, alcohol poisoning, DUI, etc…) but many, many young people occasionally drink to excess, wake up with huge hangovers and shame and survive to tell about it and learn from it. I would think a talk about acknowledging and coping with intense social pressure along with some alcohol education would go a long way in helping your D avoid similar circumstances, or at least to the extreme of last night. Best wishes.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There are two types of teen drinking–</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Experimental drinking done at the behest of peers. Essentially the peer pressure resistance system collapses.</p></li>
<li><p>Drinking done to numb feelings.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>In the first instance, if there are repeated incidents, the parent has to worry about the child’s peer pressure resisitance system. Personally, I have no problem punishing a child who comes home drunk. Mine showed up at the door with three friends at 8:30 pm one night. He decided to play the drinking game becuase he thought clear alcohol would be easier than beer. He proceded to throw up all over the house. He was 15 1/2 at the time. Yup, he got the big 2 hour talk the next morning, which included a brilliant defense about how he should be rewarded (!) for making the good decision to ask his friends to bring him home.</p>
<p>Thing is–he was expecting me to be unhappy about the drinking. I told him I would be unhappy if he drank and voila! I was unhappy. That was my role as the parent. I don’t believe in imprisoning teens, so I made him wash all the windows on the house and paint the porch. He did the chores with a sour look on his face. This incident, a one-off, is now part of the family jokes. </p>
<p>In the second instance of drinking, the parent must accept that the child is in serious emotional free-fall–and then try to move heaven and earth to put her right. My younger brother started drinking hard liquor when he was 12. He was deliberate, he was driven in his quest to drink. My parents didn’t do a thing–becuase the prevailing wisdom was that they were tee totallers so he would outgrow it one day. He didn’t. He was probably medicating a mild bi-polar disorder with alcohol and drugs–which he still does to this day.</p>
<p>I worry about your descriptions, worried, but I am so so relieved that she called you.</p>
<p>Let her know that you are scared for her–and terrribly worried. </p>
<p>She called you. She wants you to help her. That was a call for help. She is letting you see how low she fell. You have to read her actions–not her words.</p>
<p>Find another psychiatrist–counsellor. Talk to her pediatrician. Talk to her favorite teachers. Find another adult mentor for her. Tell her friends you are worried about her–chances are they are worried too. Go with her to counselling. Start reading about how teens use alcohol as a form of self-medication. Take her on a wonderful trip to see if you can ‘attach’ her to a better version of the future for herself–one that doesn’t need numbed states of being. </p>
<p>Consider the real possibility that she is clinically depressed–or coping with the onset of a mental illness like bipolar disorder. Find the most brilliant psychiatricst specializing in teens–and get her evaluated for depression. Throw everything you can muster at this–she needs you to do that for her even though these dark thoughts are frightening.</p>
<p>That’s why she called you.</p>
<p>No matter how old they are, children believe their moms can ‘fix’ their hurts.</p>
<p>OP, I’ve posted about this on CC before, but I realize that you don’t know this info about me. </p>
<p>A couple of years ago, I accidentally (really! It does happen!) found the blog of my older S, who was about 19 and a college drop-out living thousands of miles from home. On it, I was surprised to see clear evidence --including pictures – indicating that my S is a very heavy alcohol user. </p>
<p>My H and i are social drinkers, but S up to the time he left for college, had been so conservative that he literally shunned underaged drinkers. He also had next to no social life – his choice, not ours, because he preferred to work, and felt that his peer group was immature.</p>
<p>Anyway, I wish that I had learned about my S’s behavior when he was still living at home and age 18, because then I could have done the kind of things that you can choose to do. All that my H and I could do was to let S know that we had seen his blog and were concerned about his drinking. We also did give him health insurance and offered to get him treatment or a health assessment, but he refused, saying he is fine. </p>
<p>Please know that once your kids leave home --even to just go away to college during the school year – it becomes very difficult for parents to intervene when it appears that our beloved kids are doing things that could be fatal or otherwise cause major problems. I hope that you will seek professional advice from a licensed therapist who is experienced with adolescents who are alcohol abusers. Better to be overly cautious now than to have a clearly troubled daughter later that you’re not in a positon to help.</p>