<p>Cheers - additional types of drinking done by teens.</p>
<p>1.familial, genetic, true addiction</p>
<p>2.Drinking to relax and enable one to relate socially. Similar to numbing, but that seems more with depression, rather than an attempt to help develop social skills.</p>
<p>3.They like the taste</p>
<p>“Consider the real possibility that she is clinically depressed–or coping with the onset of a mental illness like bipolar disorder. Find the most brilliant psychiatricst specializing in teens–and get her evaluated for depression. Throw everything you can muster at this–she needs you to do that for her even though these dark thoughts are frightening.”</p>
<p>There’s also the chance that she is drinking heavily because she has something like post traumatic stress syndrome due to some trauma she hasn’t shared with you; For instance, I’ve known women who began drinking heavily after being date raped.</p>
<p>Another reason to get her to an experienced therapist who has worked with adolescents.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure what to do. I know she will be able to do whatever she wants in college, but she is still under my watch now. Please give me some feedback. I really don’t know how to approach this as I am feeling worried, upset, disappointed, angry, and sad all at the same time.”</p>
<p>This might sound overly harsh, but I think it is being realistic: where is it written in stone that she has to go off to college this fall? If either of my d’s was suffering from a serious mental disorder that I know could, at least in theory, be dealt with effectively at home, but sending them off would definitely put them in an environment known to exacerbate the risk, I would certainly question my own decisionmaking powers as a parent. (maybe I read that incorrectly, and she is going to be a high school senior?)</p>
<p>As a professional in the field, I very much doubt that there were only two drinking episodes, or only one drinking and driving episode, and I’d be surprised if these didn’t extend back a number of years (does happen, but it is relatively rare.) If there is genetic risk attached to her drinking, the only sure way to go is NO drinking, not moderate drinking or rules to be conscious of - incipient alcoholics very rarely can develop such internal capacities on their own, and it isn’t a matter of willpower or intelligence and, in many cases, even of education. Quite literally, alcohol impacts the executive function between the frontal lobes and the hypothalmus, making it very difficult to think clearly. New ways of thinking must be given time to develop, and they are unlikely to develop quickly in an alcohol-laden college environment. So I would try to think that through clearly. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like you love your daughter very, very much. It also sounds like there has been a lot going on with her that you have not been privy to, and your relationship may not be as strong as you think it is. I wouldn’t do anything to damage it - she NEEDS you in her corner (even if she doesn’t really know it). But clearly she needs more than you have been able to provide thus far. Getting help now may save a world of hurt later.</p>
<p>Remember to give her lots of big hugs.</p>
<p>Worriedmom, it is impossible to determine the seriousness of your daughter’s drinking behavior with the information you have provided here.</p>
<p>A much more thorough evaluation and history of her needs to be done (which you obviously understand, since you say she is/was in treatment). Advice from people online should only be a small part of your decision making process. Good luck!</p>
<p>Please keep us updated if you feel comfortable doing so.</p>
<p>(I am an 18 year old college student, by the way, so my perspective is certainly different than the parents’. Please keep that in mind, but feel free to PM me if you have specific questions that you think could be better answered by an age-peer of your daughter’s. I drink frequently, and often heavily, at college but drink very little at home, usually just as a part of work.)</p>
<p>In much of the midwest probably a good portion of middleclass 17-18 year olds drink some at parties. 98% of them will go on to college and drink there and then go on to become your local teachers, bankers and middle managers. I’d keep an eye open and try to determine how frequent the activity is but it’s not something to get all geeked out about either. It’s unlikely she is on the road to be an alkie or anything similar. She probably is just a normal teen hanging with the other teens who are more social than the band geeks and drama clubbers. Usually a few episodes of excess drinking and you learn the benefits of moderation. We called it taking the pledge.</p>
<p>My daughter got up today around 2:30. She came into the kitchen, put her arms around me and gave me a big hug and said, “Mom, I’m so sorry for scaring you.” </p>
<p>I told her we needed to talk about things, but I needed some time to think things through first. We will talk tomorrow when I have had more than one hour of sleep. I’m still running on adrenaline. </p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for their help. There are some things I’d like to say in response to some of the posts, but I don’t think my thoughts are especially coherent at the moment. I will post tomorrow.</p>
<p>Get some sleep. You probably need it. It sounds like you’ve got a pretty good kid that made a huge mistake once (driving) and a smaller mistake this time (getting too drunk, to the point of vomiting.) It’s been said, but make sure you stress that you’re not going to be there to help and protect her soon, and others may take advantage of her.</p>
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<p>Interesting choice of words. She must have been scared too. </p>
<p>It’s obvious she loves you–and values the relationship.</p>
<p>worriedmom:</p>
<p>Your D sounds like a loving girl. She had the good sense to call home for a ride. These are things to build on as you talk things over with her. As other posters have suggested, the focus should be on working out ways to manage her drinking so that she does not exceeds her limits and puts herself in danger; how to be social and at the same time prudent. For example, take the fact that she did not wake up until 2:30 today: if she were in college, she could miss some important meeting or class as a result of excessive drinking. You might want to ask her how she proposes to handle the issue rather than telling her what she should do. It will be better if solutions come from her. Have a good rest and good luck tomorrow.</p>
<p>in health they made us watch the movie “the accident” if that helps at all. your daughter needs to learn through making her own mistakes. its not something you can really prevent her from doing.</p>
<p>WorriedMOM - your gal is not that unusual and your posts here show how much you love and care for her. Her response today is a start for both of you.</p>
<p>One of the things that most kids have difficulty dealing with when things like this happen is - your disappointment in them - and they need to know that you are disappointed in their choice and their actions - it really can make a difference - when you you 2 talk about all this - let her know this - but also offer her the opportunity to discuss with you her reasons (or what she feels are the reasons) for this behavior - the key thing is to talk about all this - no yelling and screaming allowed. You both need to get all the cards on the table - in an honest and mature fashion. May be a good idea to ask her what she thinks would be a successful way to deal with this issue.</p>
<p>If she is sorry that she scared you - then she will be sorry she has disappointed you as well and may think twice about it - the next time - if there is one. There is a strong possibility that you are aware on these 2 instances - but there could well be many more.</p>
<p>It has been mentioned in other posts about taking her the ER - if this happens again - make sure to let her know that this is where she will need to be taken - for safety sake (and the bill will be on her as well) - one thing to know - there is lab work that can pretty much determine how long she has been drinking - very telling information.</p>
<p>Being as she is 18 - this is a difficult situation for all of you. She going off to college and you home worrying… we did put the stipulation on our kids that a severe drinking episode would force us to consider college withdrawal - part of the deal we made - and was actually pretty effective - tho there was one of those situations regarding alcohol that happened - one pretty serious in high school for 1 of mine - and a couple not serious ones that we are aware of.</p>
<p>Good luck to you - and hugs to both of you. This is not insurmountable - but certainly a challange for all of you. Just make sure you and your gal have a good understanding of the consequences of ones actions - the good and the bad.</p>
<p>well technically she learned because she didnt drive this time</p>
<p>I think the odds are roughly 50/50 that she may already know the consequences of her actions, and “can’t stop”. This is something a professional can help find out. “Disappointment in her”, under those circumstances, can actually make things worse, sometimes much worse, as they can be a trigger for future drinking. </p>
<p>You have to know what you are dealing with. It could be an isolated thing - or maybe not. A college environment is not the place to find out. I know you don’t have much time to figure it out, and I do hope you look for the help the two of you need.</p>
<p>Please see a professional to talk about the situation.</p>
<p>It may be that your D’s actions today indicate she realizes the seriousness of her actions and won’t have any more heavy drinking bouts. However, it may be that your D is telling you what she knows would get you off her back. People with drinking problems can be very skilled at manipulating others. </p>
<p>Your daughter’s life could be at risk. Please see a licensed therapist who is experienced working with adolescents who potentially have drinking problems.</p>
<p>Disappointment in the choices that one makes does not mean disappointment in the person - and can be a good thing if approached correctly - it also can involve the matters of trust between people as well. </p>
<p>In this situation - the mother is not disappointed in the action that the daughter called for a ride - yes - she learned from her last incident - which I commend her for - tho the mom certainly has the right to be disappointed with the other part of this situation - so there is good and not so good in all of this - of which the daughter has at least recognized by her comment to her mom - it is a beginning. The communications now must be kept open in order to attempt to find out the ‘why’ of her actions.</p>
<p>Good post, JeepMom. I agree.</p>
<p>I am an 18 year old college bound teenager who drinks alcohol occasionally so take my advice with a grain of salt. </p>
<p>Definitely don’t punish her. Or seek counseling. I would never forgive my parents if they ever suggested such an idea. </p>
<p>I think the best thing you can do is stress the seriousness of the situation and make her feel guilty. I got into some trouble with alcohol a year back and my dad and I had a long talk. He told me that he knew that I wanted to experiment with things and that he can’t control my choices anymore but that he wants me to be safe. He expressed his biggest concerns (drunk driving and sexual assault) and made me realized how WORRIED he and my mom had been for the months I was in my “party mode”.</p>
<p>It totally changed my perspective on things. I never lie about where I am going or what I am doing. If he asks if the party I am going to will have alcohol I say yes or no. If it’s a yes he’ll usually ask me to please not drink and I always feel too guilty to have any after that.</p>
<p>The main thing you want to do for your daughter is stress the fact that you don’t want her to drink because you love her. I’m sure she already realizes this by her reaction to you the following morning and I have a feeling that she won’t be drinking for a while (guilt and being that sick). </p>
<p>Good luck with your daughter but please try and be reasonable because the last thing you want to do is drive her away in these last couple weeks.</p>
<p>PS. I really don’t like the idea of taking photographs or your drunken daughter…sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.</p>
<p>"Definitely don’t punish her. Or seek counseling. I would never forgive my parents if they ever suggested such an idea. "</p>
<p>I hope the OP doesn’t follow this advice from a teen about not seeiking counseling in a situation in which there’s a chance that her daughter has a serious problem.</p>
<p>Seeing a licensed therapist when one’s offspring is doing things that may indicate she’s alcoholic or has some kind of serious personal problem would be similar to seeking advice from a physician if your daughter had physical symptoms indicating she might have a serious health problem. Getting professional advice is something one would do because one loved one’s daughter. </p>
<p>Yes, due to her age and maturity level, she may not be happy if you seek advice from a therapist about her behavior. However, if she does have a problem like alcoholism or reacting to some trauma that she hasn’t shared with you, in the long run, she would be grateful that you cared enough to get professional helo for her. Your getting advice and help now could save her years of pain.</p>
<p>Doing this also would be wiser than your assuming that you can handle the problem or that nothing serious is going on. Even if your daughter protested, I am sure that you’d seek medical help if you saw signs that your daughter might have a serious physical problem. The same needs to be true if she might have an emotional problem.</p>
<p>Truth is that your daughter’s drinking was at the point that she could have died by asphixiating on her vomit. If she does this in college, she isn’t likely to have friends who’ll be sober enough and would care enough to sit up all night to make sure she’s OK. At the very least, she could benefit by talking to a professional who could give her some education about alcohol, a talk that your daughter is likely to take more seriously coming from a professional than from you.</p>
<p>Do not take the fact that your daughter apologized, experessed appreciation for your concern, etc. as meaning that she’s OK. It could be her way of getting you to back off from realizing that she has some serious problems. Some people become hostile when they want others to back off. Others act super nice.</p>
<p>If she becomes angry when you seek advice from a professional, so be it. She needs to know that her behavior was life threatening, and you are concerned because you love her, and would rather have her become angry at you than to die because you were too afraid of making her angry to get professional advice on a problem that could kill her. If she is alcoholic, no matter how much she loves you, she will need outside help to address her drinking problem. Willpower won’t be enough.</p>
<p>“PS. I really don’t like the idea of taking photographs or your drunken daughter…sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.”</p>
<p>Sounds to me like a good way of showing someone proof of their own irresponsible. The only thing cruel about this is what the daughter has done to herself, and she needs to recognize how out of control and inappropriate she has been, and what a dangerous situation she put herself in.</p>
<p>Smurfette, I suggest that you Google and read about the CC member named Lucifer1287, whose out of control drinking killed him last year when he was a freshman at Cornell.</p>
<p>Well, we don’t know enough to decide whether the OP’s D is more like surfette or Lucifer. If she is more like surfette, than I think that the strategy surfette’s dad used is the way to go. And surfette, your dad’s concerns are mine, too. If she has become more like Lucifer, then a totally different strategy is warranted. But let’s keep in mind that Lucifer’s parents were aware of his problems and tried to do something about it. They were unsuccessful. He did not want to be cured.</p>