<p>Thanks for starting this discussion, fizix, and thanks everyone for writing about your experiences. 
If anyoneâs interested, I started a similar thread for working mothers [url="<a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/515136-advice-future-working-mom.html"]here[/url">http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/515136-advice-future-working-mom.html"]here[/url</a>].</p>
<p>Start reading the Chinaberry book catalog.</p>
<p>First, the label:</p>
<p>Stay at Home Mom? Iâm not at home a lot, more like helping out with stuff all over town. I prefer Full-time Parent for the job label.</p>
<p>Second, money:</p>
<p>As a Full-time Parent, I create a lot of value, mostly by being a really good manager, but also a good cook, volunteer coach, volunteer fundraiser, and all round willing-to-contribute person. Some of this value goes to my family (sure we donât eat out as much, but we eat better than restaurant quality meals), and a lot of this value goes to my community. All the value I create is tax-free.</p>
<p>Third, intellectual stimulation:</p>
<p>One of the perks of not working is that my mind is my own. When I had to be the best in one narrow field, thatâs what I read about VIRTUALLY ALL THE TIME. Now I have the freedom to get educated (by my standards, not by the standards of the people who granted me my degrees.) There are plenty of smart Full-Time Parents to befriend and youâll have smart kids and a smart husband to talk with (scary-smart kids probably, there goes your free time, LOL).</p>
<p>Fourth, taking someoneâs job:</p>
<p>Thereâs an interesting concept. In my 20âs and early 30âs when I was working they were free to try to compete and take it back. But they didnât, because they couldnât. Hummph. Anyways, Fizix, you will be a working adult from about ages 20 to 70, thatâs fifty years. Raising kids only takes about half that time. So Iâm sure youâll find a career there in that life-mix somewhere.</p>
<p>Fifth, good for you:</p>
<p>I like your flexible thinking and questioning attitude. We are a rich country, and on our way to becoming a rich world. Do we want to work-work-work, or do we want to give relationships (especially with our families and communities) a higher priority? Not matter how you end up answering, itâs a great question to spend some time pondering.</p>
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<p>This of course must be balanced against the daunting prospect of being the sole financial support for a family.</p>
<p>âStay at home mom. Hardest, most underpaid job EVER.â</p>
<p>Not to be a contrarian, but, sueinphilly, Iâve been a working, single mom too (while attending grad school) and I gotta tell yaââcurrently being a stay-at-home-mom w/a husband who provides all the financial support is <em>not</em> harder than the previous gig, by <em>any</em> means. When my stay-at-home friends whoâve never done the double shift (mom/full-time financial provider) complain about stuffâŠI never jump in. I know how good weâve got it⊠(knock on wood).</p>
<p>Youâve gotten some great information so far about the realities of being a Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I thought Iâd jump in with some thoughts about looking for a husband that will share your goals and values.</p>
<p>If your goal is to be a SAHM, your number one priority in a husband should be that he is a guy who is clear on the concept of commitment in marriage. There are guys out there who will enter a marriage committed to staying in it âfor better or worseâ. Find one of those guys.</p>
<p>How do you find one like that? Interestingly, by avoiding dating for a time. Instead, make lots of friends. Get to know guys as friendsâŠwho they really are and what they value. Trust me; you donât really want a guy who is so involved in his work that he wonât have much time for the kids (or for you!). There is a balance. People can be successful at work and have a home life, too. </p>
<p>As you get to know guys as friends, see if any of them seem to have that combination of values that you are looking for. Ask your guy friends about their future families. Ask them how theyâd feel about their wife staying home with the kids and possibly having a lower standard of living financially if she didnât work. Over time and with conversations like this, you might find that you and one of those guy friends see each other as something more.</p>
<p>Dating is a not a good way to really get to know a guy. When you date, the romantic feelings and physical attractions can get in the way of your seeing whether you are truly compatible in your life goals. Many couples fall in love and then discover that there are big problematic issues (different religions, one entering the military and one going to med school or the like, one wanting children and the other doesnât, etc., etc., etc.). Itâs going to be much harder for those marriages to work out. We tell our kids to never go out with anyone that they know they wouldnât marry.</p>
<p>Remember that most guys under the age of 22 or so (maybe even older) are not really very good husband material. They are still changing and figuring out who they are. You will be changing during that time, too. Itâs better to make serious decisions about life partners when you have a bit more maturity.</p>
<p>So, just because your goal is to be a SAHM, that might not really change a lot about what youâll be doing in the coming few years. Go to school, make friends, and become a student of peopleâŠlearn what qualities in them are important to you and what qualities you would like to cultivate in yourself.</p>
<p>Re Intellectual Stimulation:</p>
<p>Homeschooling has been the most engaging intellectual enterprise Iâve ever imagined. We decided on a classical approach, which forced me to research and read things I was never exposed to in school. I have learned so much - and more than that, have learned to love learning. Iâve gotten to where I hate going to business socials because the conversation is so vacuous. Iâm used to sitting outside the band room or alongside the football field with other homeschool mothers discussing politics, latin, educational philosophy, economics, college admissions, history, and all sorts of interesting, stimulating topics. The homeschooling, stay-at-home mothers I know are the most intellectual folks Iâve ever had contact with (including when I was in graduate school Like geomom says, your time will be your own and you can pursue whatever your mind cravesâŠ</p>
<p>I just read Timelyâs post above and wow! that was some great advice. Take heed :-)</p>
<p>I have to admit, it hasnât been hard - or harder than most else Iâve done, and I havenât felt especially underpaid. I have a supportive H, and that makes a difference. I have at times felt unappreciated, disrespected, in general. But I think it would be incredibly hard for someone who wasnât passionate about it. Like just about anything else.</p>
<p>My H would go crazy in my position. I would go crazy in his.</p>
<p>What bugs me most about staying home is the lack of recognition - If I finish a project well at work, I get positive feedback from my peers and boss and of course monetary reward.</p>
<p>Canât say the same when I stayed home. </p>
<p>And it bugs me my social security is very underfunded.</p>
<p>MunchkinâIâd agree (even though I tell myself itâs superficial). As soon as someone finds out Iâm a lawyer (or I wear business-like attire for some reason) I get tons more respect. Whatever. I sort of laugh about it, but for a long time that did irritate me also!</p>
<p>Before doing the full-time parenting, I did research. The parallels are striking.</p>
<p>Nobody tells you what to do - you are expected to structure it yourself.</p>
<p>Results can be a long time in coming.</p>
<p>Very few other people are actually interested in the nitty-gritty details of what you are doing.</p>
<p>Truly terrific results will inspire other people to try to claim credit with you.</p>
<p>Low pay, long hours, sometimes sleep-deprivedâŠ</p>
<p>Why am I doing this? Because it is meaningful, and I love it.</p>
<p>my thoughts-
many people can combine family and an outside career/interest quite well.
Yes I do admit that those who do, often have more resources- monetary- community support- flexible schedules with partner.
If my daughter or son approached me with this plan, I would have a couple questions.
What about staying at home raising children is appealing?
Is the opportunity to be your own boss ( so to speak)
The opportunity to nurture others and to wear many hats?
Is there another way that you could fulfill those interests in a career?
As a long time, not by choice stay at home mom- I would worry that there is an idealized view of the " 1950s"</p>
<p>It isnât 1950 & it never was.
Most families share monetary responsibilities & optimally share parenting.
Parents may trade off at different times in their & their childrens lives.
As the parent of kids with special needs, I think that the available free time is overestimated. If you marry someone who is content for you to do the bulk of the parenting, how will you feel if just parenting- not any of the other stuff that goes along with it, takes up 150% of your time?</p>
<p>I will also put my $.02 and I think it is negative for kids to see one of the parents as contributing financially, but not there physically and possibly emotionally.
I have seen things work better when there is flexibility and that includes staying current in your career/field, so that when your partner chooses to take a break and perhaps go back to school or pursue other passions, you are ready to step up and assume the role of breadwinner.</p>
<p>I think there is a third path that seems to have worked out pretty well for our family. I had about six years of full time work experience before having children. I had my first child in Germany. Thanks to generous family leave policies there, I spent the first six months home with no other responsibilities. We moved back to the states and I spent another year getting us settled first in an apartment, then a house. At that point I felt that I needed to get my foot back in the door, if I took any more time off Iâd essentially be unhirable. I found a part time job with a boss who was also an understanding Mom. If my kids were sick I just rescheduled my hours. I had a family daycare situation and when my son got a little older he went to the same nursery school as his babysitterâs son. When my oldest son was nine and my younger son was six I had to find new babysitting arrangements. For one reason or another things didnât work out well and I quit my job and was a fulltime Mom for a while. But I continued to do some freelance work in my field and also began to get a bit more serious about my art work. During these years I became much more involved in the PTA and in fact got some good lessons in organization and public speaking from those years. One thing led to another and before I knew it my freelance jobs had turned into a real business. But itâs a business that I run out of my home. I generally meet clients during school hours, or evenings and weekends when the kids are home. For me itâs been the best of both worlds. I see a lot of my kids, but at the same time Iâve been able to do interesting work. If God forbid, something should happen to my husband, I could probably ramp up my business.</p>
<p>âI will also put my $.02 and I think it is negative for kids to see one of the parents as contributing financially, but not there physically and possibly emotionally.â</p>
<p>By not working for money, I have the time to do things like: landscape, garden, invest, maintain and improve house and vehicles, and yes, cook and care for kids. I leverage this into the community by donating to parks, forming/participating in babysitting coops, cooking coops, and book groups (wow, I sound like such a hippie!). I and people like me do the recreational sports coaching, run the science fairs, the spelling bees, the school lunch programs. These things create value, and are the absolute equivalent to financial contribution. Iâm delighted to contribute; it makes me feel rich.</p>
<p>Doing these things frees up a lot of my husbandâs time so he can be a better and more involved parent. That said, if he lost his job or died, I might have to get a job (we havenât quite achieved that elusive financial independence). Iâm <em>pretty</em> sure I could get a job, although Iâd rather do as mathmom has done and run my own business.</p>
<p>The âcycleâ on CC is so interesting: I could swear Iâve read the exact same posts in the past! Whatâs different for me this year? Iâve worked part time for almost as long as i can remember ( although part time iis a lot of hours for a physician), and the knowlede that I could make MORE money never appealed to me until Iâm faced with coming up with paying full price for a private university.</p>
<p>I will also put my $.02 and I think it is negative for kids to see one of the parents as contributing financially, but not there physically and possibly emotionally."</p>
<p>Our area is quite expensive- I am referring to those families who are supported by one income. Oftentimes the decision is to put all the support toward the parent with the higher income, but may necessitate long hours, many business trips and cutting vacations short especially when the children are small.
For spouses who do not have family or many other supports in the area, it can be very difficult & additionally when you have one parent doing the bulk of the parenting- you have to be both bad cop and good cop & that can wear on your relationship with your children ( and your partner)</p>
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<p>Those things are nice- but not sure of why you felt the need to mention it.
Those who work for pay also contribute to and are involved in the community. It isnât an either/or situation.</p>
<p>Actually the people I find most productive are the people who work outside the home, they are the ones who know how to stick to a schedule!
One woman I know is a project program manager for the county DOT, she is also a long time director of our local school board.</p>
<p>We havenât ever had a coach be a stay at home parent, ironically, my daughters coaches ( apart from school teams) have been lawyers for their day job. ;)</p>
<p>I think it is great if one parent wants to devote their day to the children- but they also need to be flexible enough to reevaluate if that decision doesnât work out & they should be clear about their reasons to do so.</p>
<p>Geomom-
I hear ya! I remember when I was homeschooling that I was tempted by this bumper sticker:</p>
<p>âWhy do they call it homeschooling when Iâm always in my car?â</p>
<p>Of course, nowadays my car sports:</p>
<p>âThings havenât been the same since that house fell on my sister.â
Which pretty much sums up this one-time stay-at-home, homeschooling mom.</p>
<p>:-)</p>
<p>PS to OP - Look for engineers from the midwest. Fairly traditional set. LOTS of my husbandâs friends from U of I had wives who stayed at home with the kids. Donât know what those bean and corn fields do to folks, but itâs a pretty good crowd out there in the heartland.</p>
<p>I was a SAHM for 8 years. Then returned to work part-time while the kids were in school.</p>
<p>The thing to remember about being a SAHM is that it ends. Your kids turn 18 and go to college. If you have focused your whole life around your kids, what do you do now? At that point, your kids need their freedom, if they feel guilty for leaving you then you havenât done a very good job as a mother.</p>
<p>So get a degree in something that interests you, and I recommend working for a few years (3 - 5 years) BEFORE having kids. That way, as the kids get older, youâll be better prepared to put your foot back in the door of the career world. To answer one of your earlier questions, YES, having that degree will help you get a job in 20 years when your kids are gone. Youâll still be starting entry-level, but better to start entry-level with a job that requires a bachelorâs degree than one that doesnât. And you DO need to know that you can support yourself AND YOUR KIDS should Prince Charming turn out to be a frog in disguise, or become disabled, or die. It does happen.</p>
<p>I also agree with the writer who said not to shop for meat in a hardware store. Think about where like-minded guys would be and spend time there, probably more conservative and religious groups - but not necessarily.</p>
<p>Another thought about finding a spouse: you just never know where one is going to turn up. Itâs a well-known law of romance that you seem to have the best luck finding a romantic partner when youâre not looking. Iâve seen surveys showing that more and more people are meeting their significant other after, not in college. You may well end up having some time between finishing college, and finding your mate. What would you like to do with that time?</p>
<p>Emeraldkity - you just echo my point. It is the contribution, not the finances, everyone remembers. This is also true at work. Everyone can think of an example of someone who contributes more than the value of their salary to the organization. And then contributes their civic involvement after hours. So we are all doing the same thing - trying to pull our share of the load, and then some.</p>
<p>However, we can put more or less of this labor under the umbrella of the formal get-paid-for-what-you-do economy. I guess I just have a soft spot for the retro 60âs back-to-the-land, hippie, potluck, barn-raising, help-each-other-out informal economy. I can see it either way, though. The formal economy does have its advantages.</p>
<p>Fizix - Because of the similarities between research (and also starting a business) and full-time parenting⊠Why not finish your B.S., work for a start-up, get financially secure, and THEN be the full-time parent. Then the financial half of the equation will be taken care of (and worries about the spouse leaving/dying will be emotional rather than logistical). For futher thought, I strongly recommend the book âYour Money or Your Lifeâ, which will get you thinking seriously about working toward financial independence.</p>