I wouldn’t let kids just walk on my property whenever they wanted, even if my insurance would cover any injuries they sustained while they were there. And since your children don’t seem to want to babysit, I’d quit allowing your neighbor to use them as a free babysitting service.
If that family is in your neighborhood for any length of time, one of the situations you’re likely to run into is privacy. Do your kids really want someone who’s 8 or 9 years younger coming over whenever he wants? If you let that habit develop, it will be difficult for your children to have private events at their own home. We had a much younger kiddo in our neighborhood a few years ago. Most of the other kids were in their mid-teens and could come and go as they pleased. They didn’t want to be responsible for a kindergartner. They played video games he wasn’t allowed to play, took walks to places he wasn’t allowed to go (and they didn’t want to supervise him even if he could), and the other teens who visited didn’t want to curtail their activities or be responsible for him either. I don’t think you’re doing your children any favors by letting the neighbor’s kid have free reign in your yard.
I have yet to see anything good come from trying to talk to irrational people. We have a few of them in the neighborhood, and I just ignore them, because that’s what takes the least amount of my personal energy.
We’ve got this one old woman who freaks out if anyone blocks the alley (there are two exits to the alley) and will get out of her car and scream at you if your car is parked in the alley (like to drop off bags of mulch for the backyard for five minutes). I literally just stare at her until she’s done, then continue going about my business without saying anything to her. Eventually she gets in her car and goes the other way.
This happens a few times a year. There is no resolution that we (the other rational neighbors and I) have found that works with her. So we all just ignore her when she behaves like this. It might work with your neighbor-whenever she starts saying/doing stuff that’s not appropriate, just ignore it or go inside. It’s not perfect, but I swear these people love to escalate stuff…
If you reply to her email, it’s entirely possible she will feel the need to reply to your reply (if she is not satisfied with what you have to say), and then you’ll either have to reply to that, or ignore.
IMO it’s easier to ignore it now.
If she confronts you and asks why you didn’t reply, you can say, “I just thought I’d let you have the last word.”
Many moons ago when we first moved out to the suburb, the next door neighbor’s son (age 8) rang our doorbell one afternoon. I asked him who he wanted to see. He said his younger sister was taking a nap and his mother asked him to come over to our house to play. I very nicely told him that both of my kids were busy at that time and in the future to have his mother call first.
I think this is a similar case. The neighbor was looking to OP’s son to provide certain entertainment to her 4 yr old son. The young son is his mother’s responsibility. If the young child was not happy with the situation it was up to the mother to do something about it, not OP son’s problem.
I would let the neighbor know if her son wants to “play” with an older kid, she should be around to supervise. There is too big of age difference for them to play together unsupervised.
I just want to say that I don’t think your children should ever have to be in the position to go tell this woman that her child needs supervision. I think they should always come to you and let one of you take care of it. Perhaps that’s not realistic that you’ll always be available in that situation, but I see potential for this woman to get royally pissed at your kids for telling her to do her job.
I am getting the impression this neighbor is going to be pissed anyway regardless of what OP decides. Maybe then she will no longer depend on OP’s kids to look after her four year old. What if in her absence he crosses the street. She is asking for trouble if she is not supervising her own child.
Thanks for writing, everyone. I’ve been gone today visiting my D away at college in a neighboring state.
I just want to clear one thing up. My son doesn’t play with the 4 year old often. He has friends his own age that he spends most of his free time with, just not in the neighborhood. This week was fall break for public schools, so most of his friends were on vacation, and he was kind of stuck at home. Also, there are only a handful of kids on our street, and during the week days they are all busy and we really never see them. It’s mostly a few weekends a year, when the weather is good and there aren’t a lot of weekend sports activities, and over the summer that we have kids coming over. My kids always come and ask first if so-and-so can come in the backyard. However, I will be talking to my husband about an umbrella policy tonight. We’ve been having kids over for many years now (oldest is 20), and I never really thought much about anyone suing us. Call me naive, I know.
And my son doesn’t really “play” with the 4 year old. He kind of stands around for a few minutes humoring him and then makes his (polite) getaway when he can. I’ve talked to him about the situation, and he and I agree that he should just wave and say “hi” from now on, and that’s it.
Someone upthread asked if this was the neighbor’s first blowup. It is with us. However, she has apparently had words with the 8 year old many times and ordered him to go home. I didn’t mention it before, but in her email, she referred to the 8 year old as a “bad influence” on her son that she wishes she could keep away from her son altogether, but isn’t sure how. This 8 year old boy lives on the other side of my neighbor (2 doors down from my family).
@choirsandstages, you are right about my kids not being burdened with taking the 4 year to his parents. Especially after this, I will be the one handling it every time. But something tells me there may not be another time.
Very sticky situation. I would keep contact with them to a minimum if possible. It sounds like your son is just being polite to the 4 year old boy but just waving and saying hi should be fine. I would be careful about having her son over in your yard unsupervised. That might not be a good idea. Unfortunately it seems you can’t be too careful these days but you should do what you can to protect yourself and your children from any future problems. If he is constantly left outside unsupervised that is a problem. I really hope that is not the case.
I’d respond to email with “there’s no such thing as free baby-sitting; our son is no longer permitted to entertain your son on your behalf”. This lady violated some basic rules of neighborliness, beginning with her taking advantage of your son’s good nature. And then she truly blew it with that email. She needs a plain-spoken email response. If your son is so “mean”, why her interest in encouraging him anyways, accept for that free ad hot babysitting? No way would I encourage my 13 year-old to humor an unrelated 4 year-old if it’s not a paid babysitting gig.
Has your S actually done this in the past? Has he gone into the 4 year old’s home without an invitation from the 4 year old’s parents? If so, I’d make it clear to ALL of your children that they are NEVER allowed to go into the neighbor’s house without your express permission. If your kids wander into the neighbor’s house,from your neighbor’s point of view, it is not unreasonable for her to assume it’s okay if her S wanders into your yard.
Personally, I wouldn’t just ignore the email. If you fail to respond, she will probably do one of two things: assume you agree with her assessment of what happened because, after all, silence can be construed as agreement, or fume because you ignored her.
So, I would write back something like this.
I am sorry that your S got upset. Frankly, I think my S was wise not to include your S when he was playing football with [8 year old’s name.] I certainly wouldn’t want your S to get hurt.
However, I am glad you contacted me because I’ve been meaning to tell you that I’m uncomfortable with having [S’s name] “play” with your S. Obviously, since they are so far apart in age, they aren’t really playing together. I am not comfortable with having [S’s name]] taking responsibility for your S. [S’s name] is, after all, only 12–which is too old to play with a 4 year old and too young to babysit him. I’ve told [S’s name] that from now on, if he sees your S he should just ignore him unless your S speaks first and then [12 year old’s name] should just smile, wave, and keep walking.
I also want to ask you to make sure your S stays out of our yard which he has entered several times without being invited. I’m worried that he might get hurt–especially when our older children are playing out there by themselves.
If he would like to play with [your 3 year old] please call me so we can set up a play date at a time when you are available to watch your S and visit with me.I’d enjoy the chance to share a cup of coffee with you.
@jonri, Sorry for the confusion. I meant to say that the 4 year old wanted the other boys to come over to his front yard, or at least to ours. No one in my family has ever been inside their home or would ever presume to do so without being invited.
I agree with other posters that you should ignore the email and tell your son to be careful in the future.
I would be upset if my kid is scolded by an adult neighbor.
I am curious: what is the reaction of the 8 year old boy and his parents?
OK @Belle315 I was confused! The rest of my advice still stands.
I’d get a lock for the gate on your yard and start locking it. Unfortunately, it sounds as if you have a problem neighbor. If something bad did happen to her child while he was in your yard, she might sue because she sounds as if she’d think–and honestly believe—it was the fault of your children and/or you. At least if you put it in writing that you don’t want him in your yard unsupervised by his own parents and that you think your kids are too young to supervise him, it might help if he did wander in and get hurt.
If you still want the backyard to be kid central, put the lock on the gate on the outside—too high for a 4 year old but low enough for the big kids. I agree with everyone else that you need insurance!!!
I sure wouldn’t tell my tween son to ignore the four year old. Neither the tween nor the 4 year old is at fault here. I think it just teaches the tween to be petty and in fact genuinely be cruel to the 4 year old. How is the 4 year old supposed to interpret it if an older kid ignores him when he says hi or wants to join in on something that does make sense?
Honestly… I’d talk to the mom face to face next time you are outdoors. I’d probably say that you are sorry that there was a disagreement, and that you hope it doesn’t affect how all the kids and adults in the neighborhood get along. But also that you are sometimes uncomfortable that the four year old is outside by himself, and looking to the older kids for playmates and oversight that they aren’t always willing or able to give. And you hope she doesn’t mind if you let her know if you notice this is happening in the future, just to make sure he stays safe.
Not saying that will go better – but a bitter (but silent) email exchange will fester even more, in my opinion.
@coolweather, I was able to speak to the 8 year old’s mom shortly after it happened. She actually came over to see if her son’s story matched my kids’ stories. She felt bad that the 4 year old’s feelings were hurt, but, like me, was sort of stunned by what had happened.
I am pretty sure she and the 4 year old’s mom have had prior talks because, as I mentioned before, the mom of the 4 year old has gotten upset with the 8 year old, sent him home several times, and called him a “bad influence” on her son. My kids tell me the 8 year old steers clear of the 4 year old (I’m guessing he’s been told to do so), so he was just hanging out in our yard on the day in question.
I just received another email from the neighbor. She wanted me to know that she knew I had come over and rung the doorbell, but she had been too upset to answer. She says she has been in tears since it happened, and that she has come to the decision that she does not want my son to spend any time with hers. She hopes I understand that it is nothing personal; my son is just too old to be around her son.
I guess I am more Mr. Spock than Dr. McCoy here, but she’s been crying over this for a day and a half?
Anyway, I couldn’t be more thrilled by her decision, since it is exactly the decision I had made myself.
So, new question: Do I write back to acknowledge and agree, or again, just let it go?
I’d respond telling her thanks for letting you know, and that you agree, at least when there aren’t adults from both families around. (Then you are good to see them at neighborhood events and be friendly). Although that sort of implies that she isn’t going to just let him go out on his own, as a four year old isn’t going to stay away from a group of kids playing nearby. Hopefully she doesn’t somehow blame your kid again if her son is unsupervised and seeks your son out.
Well, that lets you off the hook while raising more questions about her stability. haha - I like the Mr. Spock reference. I agree with @intparent’s thoughts about a simple, short acknowledgement.