Crying for a day and a half? Yikes. How is she going to get through her kid’s childhood at this rate?
That was pretty much my reaction, too, @1or2Musicians.
I do want to stick up for her just a little, because she is only human. First, this is her oldest child. I haven’t been where she is in a long time, but I can remember having this fantasy idea early on that there had to be a way to minimize (even completely prevent) what I understand now to be the normal pain of growing up. I feel like she is getting hit in the face with this reality, and maybe she’s not handling it so well right now.
Second, this child is adopted. I am an adoptive mom myself, and there’s a tendency to put even more pressure on yourself (if that’s possible), because you made this conscious choice to take this child to be your own. I know a lot of you biological moms may say you made a conscious choice as well. I’m a biological mom, too, and I get that. This is just a different feeling. Not better or worse, just different. Maybe she feels like she failed him a little.
Finally, she’s pregnant with her third at the moment. I’m not one to ascribe thoughts, feelings, or behavior solely to hormones, but having been there and done that a few times, hormones can heighten one’s mood when out of balance. Not an excuse, just an observation.
I think you nailed it, @intparent. Short and sweet acknowledgement. That was my gut feeling as well.
You sound like a caring and thoughtful person, @Belle315. Y
Yes, pregnancy hormones can certainly put one a little out of whack.
Well, knowing that she is pregnant tempers my original response. Perhaps she is not loony tunes all the time, but merely hormonal. As the mom of 5 biological children, I get THAT.
I still stand by what appears to be your agreement with the 4 year old’s mom that the two shouldn’t play together.
yeah just say, “OK. I will respect your wishes. I am really sorry about this whole situation and how much it upset you.” hit send, continue to smile and wave and nothing beyond that, and voila, problem solved.
I also wanted to address your comments on adoptive parenting. I am not an adoptive parent but my sons each have friends who are adopted.
S17’s very close friend is adopted. He wants to take a gap year. So does my son and so did my second and third sons. While I am not thrilled about it, I will abide by his decision. My friend is taking her son’s choice much more personally than I am. She feels that she has totally failed her son and no matter what you tell her about how much better and happier his life is with her and her H and what a great kid he is (it’s the truth, he is a really nice kid, I am not just saying it), it’s hurtful for her. Another friend and I thought it might be because he’s an only child, but perhaps it is because he’s adopted. In any event, I feel for her.
Last note - I knew in my heart that I don’t have what it takes to be an adoptive parent and I think this gives me so much respect for those who do make that choice.
Well, it is extremely important to know what our strengths and weaknesses are, isn’t is @techmom99? Our D is adopted out of foster care. We were foster parents for years before we adopted. We knew that while we could provide some temporary stability for these kids, we just could not handle much of the damage that these kids had experienced. We knew there were other people out there that could be much better parents to them than we could. Our D came to us at 4 days old and had relatively few issues that we felt a positive environment could correct in time.
But to your larger point, I think you understood what I was trying to say perfectly. It’s this idea that since we took on the responsibility, we’d better do it right. Certainly we feel this about our biological kids, too. I think the difference may be that our biological kids really didn’t have a “choice” of parents. Since adopted D was #6, I used to wonder if she would have been better off placed with parents with no other kids who could give her their undivided attention. I’m over that now, because I know she couldn’t be with people who love her more. Still, I do tend to take what happens to her very personally, and I think I always will.
And now I’m officially off-topic on my own post 
Thanks everyone for all your help.
Based on what you have described as your situation I am inspired by you as a parent. You seem to be a very compassionate person who is taking good care of your children. I wouldn’t take anything your neighbor says personally. She maybe overwhelmed with her pregnancy and becoming a parent to a third child. Raising kids is a challenging and learning experience but also very rewarding and each of us handles it differently.
I would just forget about it and go about my own business. If you see her just a smile or wave to maintain peace in the neighborhood.
I would say “I’m so relieved to hear you say that. That is the exact conclusion we had come to. No hard feelings!”
I like this.
I would let it go. Someone has to send the last email. Let it be that one.
BTW, it may be hard for her to implement the new rule that the kids will never play together if they just happen to be outside at the same time.
Thanks for update. It is now apparent the neighbor sees the potential problems for these 2 kids.
I think an acknowledgement is ok, just short, and not snarky. “I think you’re right, they may not be well-suited as playmates because of the age differences, without adults present”. (Much like suggestion post 88) That response gives neighbor some satisfaction that she helped solve it, and after all, it is the outcome Op wanted anyway. That may be giving credit to neighbor undeservedly, but peace is worth more to me than keeping score of transgressions that are resolved. If a problem is solved, does it really matter that much who helped to resolve it? No need to prove who was right.
This situation would have largely resolved itself anyway, since OP has now told us the time even available for play with the 4 yr old was rare and infrequent.
I’d suggest the 4 yr old prob went home crying and described to mama how the big boys deliberately excluded him from their play. Her decisions/actions were likely based on his description. To go over and explain, basically, that the small child was a liar (the gate was partly open) would not be easy, even with the most delicate wording. We had a similar experience with our small boy playing with a slightly older girl, many years ago. Her parents came to our house-mad- claiming that our son had hit their girl. The full truth came out that he had hit her BACK- she had hit him first. While we don’t condone hitting, she was older, slightly bigger, and had hit first! He wasn’t picking on a smaller kid, or picking on a girl. After hearing the full story, her parents agreed he had a right to defend himself, but they were the victims of her telling only part of the story and from her perspective. Parents were embarrassed, and girl got grounded.
@belle315 wrote
Make like Elsa and let it go…let it go!!!
She sounds seriously emotional. There is something weird going on with her to be crying about such a trivial event for a day and a half. Maybe it’s the pregnancy, maybe it’s something else. You never know what someone is going through. I think I would show compassion, and say something kind. If you don’t respond, she will probably keep crying about this.
I personally would probably respond and say, please don’t be upset, this is not a big deal. And that maybe she is right, the kids have too much of an age difference to spend time together, however, when your three year old is ready to start having playdates, maybe they might see how that works out. That is, of course, if you think you want that to happen, otherwise, I wouldn’t suggest it. But I feel sorry for someone who is so distressed over a trivial encounter, and I would want to resolve it. If you don’t respond, all sorts of things could be filling her mind.
It seems like it would be a small matter to say something comforting and agreeable to her. Always better to defuse a situation with a neighbor!
To add to this, my husband recently wrote a rather harsh email to someone, who did not respond. It would have been far better if he had responded with something conciliatory, than not responding at all (or responding in kind), and the matter would have been over. As it is, it’s still hanging there.
l feel for her too, @busdriver11. I did end up responding with a very short acknowledgement, saying that I didn’t want her to worry anymore, and that I agreed with her that the age gap between the boys is too great.
She then responded by asking me to convey her apology to my son for speaking so harshly to him. I thought it took a lot for her to do this. It gives me hope that this was just one of those things that got momentarily blown out of proportion but won’t go any farther.
What I do know is that being able to post here and to read what you all had to say helped me to vent my frustration, and I think it may well have prevented me from doing or saying something that would have made things worse.
Thank you to all who took the time to write.
I’m glad you did that, Belle! Sounds like it’s resolved now. It’s good that you did the kind thing. Who knows how crazy emotional people can get when they’re pregnant!
And we are glad you were able to vent here. It’s pretty harmless to do it with this group, for the most part.
Great resolution @Belle315.
I love the ParentCafe for all the wonderful insight and support. Glad you found it helpful, too.