<p>For some reason many parents seem to find it easier to talk with their daughters about sex, birth control and dating than with their sons. Just wondering if any parents would be willing to share (1) what advice you think ALL boys should hear about these two topics before they head off to college and (2) any tips for when, how and where to bring up the subject with your son?</p>
<ol>
<li>Don’t get anyone pregnant</li>
<li>Don’t get anyone pregnant</li>
</ol>
<ol>
<li>Assume they have a disease you don’t want and act accordingly. If they’ll sleep with you they probaly have slept with a few others and you never know what they might be carrying.</li>
</ol>
<p>I think practical information is just as important for boys as for girls. I’m also in favor of giving our kids condoms way ahead of any anticipated need, and encouraging both boys and girls to become comfortable with how they are used.</p>
<p>I think that the most important advice to give anyone who is newly dating deals with the question of false expectations. It’s important to me that my children treat their partners with respect. This means not lying in order to persuade someone to have sex, and treating sex as something that comes late to the relationship.</p>
<p>A few years back, my son was dating a very nice girl. We happened to be at the grocery store together, and I asked (as we passed the condom display) if he should buy some. He said “Mom, (friend’s mom) is working the register today! I can’t buy condoms from her.” I quietly said to him “you’ll know you’re mature enough to have sex when you can buy them even when someone you know is working the register.” </p>
<p>He quickly replied, “Mom, they sell condoms over the internet and send them in plain envelopes.”</p>
<p>Both kids’ colleges supply condoms in the dorm bathrooms, BTW. </p>
<p>I’m not going to buy condoms for either of my children, although I’ve discussed and demonstrated their use since they were about 10. (They were horrified, of course.) I’ve also discussed some of the other creative uses for condoms, such as really strong water balloons… And I’ve pointed out that 10% (historically) of the time, condoms fail. </p>
<p>I worry far more about herpes and chlamydia than I do about AIDS and pregnancy. Both are quite prevalent in the population, and both have long-term consequences.</p>
<p>Oh, and as for when to bring it up with a son, I’d say that it worked very well to have these conversations early and often, starting when my son first noticed that girls were interesting. I also made a point of talking with the kids about how their friends were behaving starting when their friends started dating, in middle school. (My kids didn’t really date until quite a bit later than many of their friends–both of them were juniors in HS.) Talking about their friends’ behavior gave me a chance to discuss things without my kids feeling attacked. </p>
<p>On a practical note, I do think it’s important for ALL teenagers to know what to do in three situations:</p>
<p>a) if they’re raped–talking to a doctor is more important than talking to the police, esp. if they may not want to go to the police (as in a nebulous date-rape situation). Many STDs can be prevented if treatment begins early.
b) if they have unprotected sex–there are morning-after pills to prevent pregnancy. In WA, a pharmacist can provide them without a prescription. There are also preventive treatments for some STDs.
c) if they think they’re pregnant, they need to talk to a counselor and a doctor early. If the girl wants an abortion, they are safer early in the pregnancy; if the girl doesn’t want an abortion, early medical treatment is best for both the baby and the mom.</p>
<p>Hey Carolyn,</p>
<p>With my 3 boys, I have been talking to them about this since probably 8th-9th grade. They had some info since probably 4th-5th grade but the more heavy duty stuff a little later. The dating stuff was more about being a gentleman, listening to their dates, being polite, being sensitive being an all-around nice guy. The sex and birth control stuff was a different subject but also discussed with dating as in when your date becomes a serious girlfriend.
The boys have 2 sisters so they have also participated in the discussions at the same time, so that way everybody hears the same thing! I was very open and frank with all five of them. And they in turn have been VERY open and honest with me and their sibs. Of course the older bros want to send their younger sis to a convent…but that is a different story.</p>
<p>We discussed sex as a physical act and all the ramifications AND then discussed the emotional and psychological reasons and impacts. And we still talk about it. And talk and talk. Granted all this talking has kindof taken away any of the mystery or “romance” of it all but they all know the very serious consequences sex can have on one as an individual, on a couple, on their partner and on their family. Everything in our house is as a family!!! Kids have NO PRIVACY!! I swear it is because they are all so close in age and are each others best friends.</p>
<p>I wanted my girls to know how to handle themselves and to know that guys aren’t the enemy and my boys to act responsibly and as gentleman. They gotta live by that rule “if Mom knew would she be proud of me?” The boys have said they have that ingrained into their everyday thought process so it can be a romantic dampener!!! Almost all their dating in high school and college has been as a group (usually each other) so they have gradually gotten used to the dating scene.</p>
<p>DS in college, has had several different functions were dates were expected (banquets, football, frats) so he has done that much. But he says if he were to ever get serious about someone he knows they are going to have to pass inspections with his 2 sisters (the pickest girls on the planet), me, his 2 brothers (equally picky, just different focus) his dogs and his really, really, fat old mean grizzly cat. If the cat doesn’t like her, its a no go!!!</p>
<p>I think our very open discussions and albeit sometimes graphic have made it very clear of what I expect from my boys, what constitutes a gentleman, and what will not be tolerated. I have the same expectations for them if they are 16, 18, 21, 31 or 51. </p>
<p>As far as birth control, we have discussed how very important this is but also in the context of how and what to do with regards to STDs and AIDS. Ang again we have discussed this since junior high. It comes up when watching TV, movies, friends are over, whatever it takes to get them to realize the ramifications of their decisions.</p>
<p>Since there are five kiddos, all teenagers, girls and boys it is an on-going discussion. And I am not stereotyping the boys but as football players it seemed to come up a lot. Especially with their friends, at football post-game parties… I am sure you can all picture the scenario. They would talk, I would listen, sometimes I would lecture, sometimes they would lecture and then we would talk some more. But it is something we still talk about. Same deal with drug usage, drinking and smoking. Talk, talk and more talk. Til I am blue in the face. And then I talk more.</p>
<p>So far, it is ok. </p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Was it the girlfriend’s mom at the register, or the mom of some other friend? I’ve been married for a lonnnng time. But I don’t think I could buy condoms if my mother in law was at the register.</p>
<p>I had a similar encounter with the condom display when I was at the store with my son. I pointed them out to him, and also mentioned that he could pay for them at the automated check-out and avoid having to deal with whomever was at the register.</p>
<p>@katwkittens: I am the teenage son of parents like you. I can attest to the success of your approach. Although I admit that I am just as impulsive as the next male teenager, I take dating and sex very seriously. Contrary to popular belief, awareness and liberalism do not lead to promiscuity! Thank you for your parenting : )</p>
<p>A group of us were discussing sex information we had gotten from our parents. The funniest story came from a Texan who said his Dad started by saying “Son your mother wanted me to talk to you.” After a long interval punctuated by stutters, draws on a cigarette and a few explitives, his dad concluded with, “Son, use a rubber.” End of discussion.
The most meaningful discussion that I had prior to college came not from a parent but from a Biology teacher. It was an assembly at an all boys school. He skipped over the functional discussion and the idea of diseases. He said he thought we had gotten enough of that in various classes. He said he wanted to talk to us about treating women as friends and not a sex objects. The ultimate goal is that you would have a relationship with a woman who was your best friend. You could have heard a pin drop. Imagine a quiet assembly with 200 teenage boys. This is the talk that all boys need to have.</p>
<p>Katwithkittens: someday I really want to meet your whole family - they sound so interesting!</p>
<p>mardad: one very smart biology teacher. That is the lesson I am most trying to impart to my son. Treat girls with respect - they are not sex objects but people and friends. </p>
<p>Of course, he does not want to talk to me about sex in any way, shape or form. So the “talking” usually takes the form of me saying a few sentences to the totally slumped over hump of a teenage son sitting next to me. A few sentences is all I can get in before he totally tunes me out and retreats to the hood of his sweatshirt!</p>
<p>Boys must be taught the emotional and practical implications of intimacy. The latter was driven home for me when as a young lawyer I represented a successful professional in his thirties who just learned he fathered a child in grad school and was served with a paternity action for ten years of back child support - financially devastating; devastating to miss the child’s formative years and a lot to adjust to for his family. Boys must be involved in birth control.</p>
<p>Ages 5-14 Frank, at home discussions, prompted by questions or school classes.</p>
<p>Ages 16-17 Frank, at home discussions, especially prior to Balls (Proms) or black tie parties. Note: No steady gfs.</p>
<p>Age 16. (Under 21 boys get free condoms from the clinic). S went with a friend who got a prescription for 40. On the way to the pharmacy, the friend filled in an extra “0”, and the boys came home with 400 condoms!!! Wishful thinking!</p>
<p>Age 17. Talk and talk and talk, like a kat with kittens, the whole week before S’s departure to Africa. </p>
<p>Does S want mother to buy condoms? Color goes out of his face. No.</p>
<p>Well, how does he know what to buy? Trust me, he says, I know what to buy. (Color goes out of mom’s face as she takes this info on board).</p>
<p>Well, you’re 17. You’ll be in Africa with a coed group for ninety days. Make sure you buy at least 90 condoms. (I remember young love). </p>
<p>As he is packing to go to the airport, S and I have the great “condom negotiation”.</p>
<p>90 condoms is a lot to stuff into a backpack! S says there is NO WAY he is taking that many condoms. He says condoms are going to fly out of his bag when he opens it and he will be humiliated. He packs 35 condoms.</p>
<p>I say he needs more than that. S2 can’t take it and puts his hands over his ears. H is laughing. I shove another 20 condoms into a side pouch.</p>
<p>He takes 10 condoms away. We agree that 45 condoms are going to Africa. I feel soooooo virtuous.</p>
<p>All of the condoms were stolen when bag went ‘missing’ at the Nairobi airport for four days but I didn’t find that out until he got home. :)</p>
<p>Age 19. Still talking birth control and relationship appropriateness–at Christmas and summer breaks. S’s open. I try to remember myself at that age, madly in love. </p>
<p>But I’m with tsdad, hoping with all my heart she doesn’t get pregnant, doesn’t get pregnant, doesn’t get pregnant.</p>
<p>Thanks cheers for brightening my day. That story made me laugh :p</p>
<p>Interesting tidbit to discuss w your teen:</p>
<p>Newsweek recently had a fascinating article taken from info gathered by the Nat’l Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. At one high school, 288 teens were linked together as having been exposed to an STD and were therefore at risk. Interestingly, most of the teens in the study had “only” had one or two relations and considered themselves “safe”- but they were still at risk because of the chain that had developed among the teens linked to others at the school!</p>
<p>Cheers- hilarious story.</p>
<p>The joys of stories about my male peers :).</p>
<p>I have had occasions to talk to S about sex, its wonder, value and joys in the context of the loving relationship, and I think it may be effective. Hope so anyway. He is a pretty straight-arrow, with an apparent aversion to the idea of the one night stand hook-up experience, has been dating a very straight-arrow girl for about two years. When I suggest maybe he might have other temptations, (opportunities) in college beyond the presently known, he says “They will know how I feel about that.” I then tell him that the research shows that kids who are planning abstinence are more likely to have unwanted pregnancies . . .because they are not prepared! I hope I have made it clear to him to prepare himself for this possiblility/eventuality. We shall talk again in the months ahead. I was successful in this realm with my D, to whom I said, “Yes, I want you to have birth control when the time comes. And yes, moreover, I prefer you to use two or more kinds, please!” She heard me.</p>
<p>momofthree-- good approach. You don’t want to belittle the abstinence committment but you also know how easily this committment can fly out the window & want a backstop in case it does.</p>
<p>When my D was about 11 she came home with the “happy” news that a beloved HS babysitter, age 17, was “getting married!” :eek: Of course, she was pregnant. I had formerly been a big absitnence person (mostly due to my D’s young age.) But that day, I seized the ‘teachable moment’ and talked to my D about all the things (that she knew were joyful times in my life) that this girl would be missing-- going to college, living on her own, international travel, being wild & fancy free… We talked about how hard it is to be a mom, and how much easier it is to give one’s self over willingly to motherhood rather than be forced into it by circumstances.</p>
<p>I told my D that plan “A” was still “don’t have sex.” But also, that plan “B” was to <strong>get birth control,</strong> and that I would always help her to do so, no questions asked if she ever thought she was anywhere near the brink of having sex. </p>
<p>My son is 13 and we are getting more serious about these talks now. We have a twist on “what would mom think?” He worships his sister, so it is easy for me to say-- every girl you come across is someone’s sister, or daughter, just like your Sis. You would hate for any boy not to treat her with exemplary respect & care… So imagine, whatever you do, that some guy could be doing the same to your sister. If it wouldn’t be okay for that to be done to her, then it is not okay for you to do it.</p>
<p>As Kat said, so far, it’s ok.</p>
<p>When my eldest was in MS the 8th grade curriculum for health, I happened to be teaching it at the time, had a very effective tool for helping kids to understand the infectious disease issues related to sexual relationships. At the end of a successive hand holding the kids were told, in effect, that by having sexual relationships with one person in an infectious disease sense you were having relationships with everyone they had had sex with, and on and on. This was a very meaningful approach for this particular issue. On the day we did this exercise in class, my son came home and told his younger brother about it at the dinner table…</p>
<p>Beyond the germs, however, our focus has been on accurate information, understanding that sexual relationships are first and foremost expressions of intimacy and affection, and on the need for respect, for oneself and one’s partner. We began talking about the “mechanics” and anatomy in early middle school, but saved the other for early high school. When the whole issue of websites flared at our school, and with our kids, we jumped on it as a chance to discuss what was real and what was sensationalized, innacurate and unhealthful. Older son was a “late bloomer” in a social sense so we tried to respond to his needs. Younger son (1 year behind in school, almost 2 years younger) got the same information at the same time as the older brother, as he was needing it earlier…</p>
<p>I have now had 2 walks through CVS(or the equivalent) with my son during which the topic of condom purchases has arisen (one before leaving him for his summer job, the other before leaving him for college). No negotiating on numbers, a la Cheers, however.</p>
<p>Carolyn, I started the discussion with my son when he was a freshman in high school. Every Summer he would go away to a co-ed camp back east. We had “the” talk, and then I asked him he needed any condoms. He said “No.” This happened soph. & Jr. Year as well. Sr. year, he said “yeah, you got $10?”</p>
<p>We (my wife and I) always spoke to him about love and respect, but we were also realistic about hormones, etc. He was a school counselor concerning sex & drugs, so we just had to remind him to always practice what he preached.</p>
<p>Finally, we shared with him his vision for how his life would go – school, med school, family, friends, wealth, etc. – and then asked him to consider how a thoughtless moment could ruin all of that.</p>