<p>cheers, my 17 y/o d and I laughed until we cried over the great condom negotiation story. Any idea how he managed in Africa, or is it better not to know?</p>
<p>As the mother of 3 girls, THANK YOU to all you wonderful moms of sons for encouraging them to share responsibility for protection with their partners.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. This is exactly what I was hoping for. My son had his first girlfriend at CTY last summer and the relationship continued (long distance) into the fall. Unfortunately, he is kind of secretive and not open to discussing anything “personal” with either mom or dad. It’s more than just freezing up when the subject is mentioned, he gets quite angry and defensive. We told both kids the basics of sex and protection early on but that’s not enough when the heavy stuff starts. I also know that he is getting an earfull from some of his friends. Kat, thank you especially. As always your advice and insights are helpful.</p>
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We have this situation, too. Partly, I think (hope?) that what we have done to set the stage earlier (before he became so resistant) will help. Partly, we now have to go with “sound bites”,which is all we can get in before we are closed out. Ala tsdad’s “don’t get anyone pregnant” and a quick version of concerneddad’s “don’t derail the wonderful plans you have for your future.”</p>
<p>While I would much rather be like katwk and others who can engage in real dialog, I do believe that these soundbites serve as “family shorthand” for things we have instilled over the years.</p>
<p>Me and my buddies have no problems buying condoms. Sometimes we go up to the register with a box of magnums to see if we can get a date with the cashier.</p>
<p>@joev: Is the cashier your [boyfriend/girlfriend]'s mother? Are you trying to get a date by buying condoms while shopping with your mother? Are you about to depart on a plane trip to a place where you will not be able to easily buy condoms? These situiations are very different from yours.</p>
<p>I was being fecicous (sp?) I have no problem buying condoms though. I have never actually done that, but the idea had cross my mind when I was single.</p>
<p>Frazzled; As I suspected, it’s easy to fall in love in Africa. Fortunately, the coeds were much older and educated to the nines. </p>
<p>One note C: I thought it would be S2 who would be pressured non-stop, but it’s actually been S1–since the age of 14. Very aggressive pressure. Shocking.</p>
<p>Because he’s tall? I’m not sure, but if I could have done anything differently, I would have prepared him to deflect the attention–from a much earlier age.</p>
<p>Hmmm…you picked up on that well Cheers (and my son is also very tall and also 14). He IS getting pressured — lots and lots of girls calling all the time and my D. says S. is always surrounded by a possee of girls when she sees him at school. My husband thinks Son is living the life of Riley but I see potential situations ahead that I’d like to prepare him for if possible.</p>
<p>This is all new - S. was always kind of nerdy and overweight in high school but football has slimmed him down, buffed him out and gave him…shall we say…a new attitude. I am pretty sure he is still shy about iniating things with girls but I am not at all sure he’d know what to do to deflect things (or want to deflect things) if they got out of hand.</p>
<p>Sexually transmitted disease, unwanted pregnancy and emotional responsibility are all hugely important topics for discussion between boys (and girls of course, but the subject here is boys) and their parents. Most, but not all, high schools seem to have included these in their “health” curriculums so teenagers are well indoctrinated, at least superficially. Start early and keep talking!</p>
<p>Since we’d been fairly communicative with our son throughout his middle school and high school years, I thought we were covered, so for me, the real eye-opener was the issue of date rape on campus. Before our son left for college we had dinner with two academics who are also parents of grown children. They really shocked our son (and us) when they launched into a frank – and much appreciated – discussion about what BOYS need to know about date rape and how they can protect themselves from false accusations which can devastate both parties. </p>
<p>The problem with date rape accusations is that they are nebulous and very difficult either to prove (from the girl’s side) or disprove (from the boy’s side). In the best case, the boy may be implicated due to wretched communication. In the worst case, he may be the victim of a vengeful accuser. When alcohol or drugs are involved, what the male may assume is consensual may be later interpreted as coerced.</p>
<p>The good advice our son was given was avoid the alcohol/drugs+sex combo, articulate consent before proceeding, and believe that no means NO. </p>
<p>Since the male children of all us CC’ers are sensitive and gentlemanly, it’s difficult to imagine that they could ever be accused of something as sordid and heartbreaking as date rape; however, an awareness of the risks is the best protection, so please add this topic to the discussion list.</p>
<p>C–I’ve sent you a message.</p>
<p>This particular issue is one of many that kindles my interest regarding the impossibilty of truly ‘knowing’ your kids, the impossiblity of knowing who or what your child will become.</p>
<p>To me, mine look like mixed bags. With potential. </p>
<p>To younger women, S looks like a smokin’ version of George Clooney? That same, slightly shy but ‘knowing’ demeanor? That same easy laugh?</p>
<p>Is THIS my S’s story??!! <em>takes a swig of Glenfiddich</em></p>
<p>My youngest recently had an “aha” moment when he got a computer virus while IMing his friends. They all were victims to the same virus and, as it spread amongst his classmates, he made the connection between that and the spread of STDs. It’s nice to know that SOME of what we preach sticks!</p>
<p>Momrath,
What a topic. I don’t think we ever broached this with son #1, thanks for the head’s up.</p>
<p>It is strange to see one’s son through the eyes of young women, isn’t it. 10 days ago mine was looking particularly terrific in a suit and smashing shirt/tie combo for his “impromptu” speaking contest. Then he opened his mouth, and that was all it took…The girls behind me in the auditorium definitely did not know I was his mother!!</p>
<p>jmmom: I love the concept of soundbites. I think with my son that’s the way to go - and not just in the area of sex talks. You know how boys mature at such different rates from each other? We all knew the kid in 7th grade already shaving with a voice so low he could be on radio. Well, mine is at the complete opposite end. At 15, he is only just now starting to go through puberty (and wouldn’t he love to know that a whole internet world knows that fact!!) but he is already 6’ tall and over 200 pounds. So far he is incredibly uninterested in girls and so I’m not too worried about having a lot of talks - although I’ve had many and his older sister has certainly weighed in and speaks pretty bluntly to him about sex.</p>
<p>But as he changes in the next several years he’s going to need to hear some pretty important messages. And soundbites are definitely the way to go with him, given his mom attention span.</p>
<p>
Excellent point, carolyn. From what I see, girls do so much of the initiating these days (since 5th grade in our case) and G*d knows what kind of initiating they’re doing that I don’t see! :eek:</p>
<p>Very very important to have these talks on an ongoing basis. I will often use news items as a jumping-off point. I talk about religion, abstinence, values, relationships and committment, and then of course the real world stuff about pregnancy and diseases. </p>
<p>I love my little pyramid diagram of my child at the top, and in the next row are 2 people they had sex with, and then those 2 people’s partners. It does not look in a diagram. </p>
<p>Then I did a cost-benefit analysis of having a baby at age 18…conclusion…huge costs, no benefit. They were shocked at the monthly diaper bill alone. I did not tell them that there is cloth…</p>
<p>tsdad - the litany in our house is: It only takes once! It only takes once!</p>
<p>carolyn - keeping the dialogue going is best, but I have found that a little dose of practical experience for both sons & daughters can work wonders … i.e. a couple of babysitting experiences which include very young children/babies … i’m talking diapers & crying! helpful deterrent!</p>
<p>also, have you looked at a dermatology text lately? </p>
<p>basically i say abstinence is best, but consider the consequences of not being protected! still, i certainly wouldn’t recommend having sex/making love w/ someone you didn’t want to marry or who didn’t want to marry you! and if you’re going to get married … what’s the rush?</p>
<p>i know! i know! i’m old! (and loving it!)</p>
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<p>Hahahahaha! 
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<p>I usually start calling the girlfriend my future daughter-in-law, and she goes away.</p>
<p>Sluggbugg: Snort! I’ll have to remember that one. :)</p>
<p>I refrained from posting because my son reads these forums. I did something similar to Cheers except I also got my husband involved in this. The policy of ‘put the condoms in his wallet’ was a given especially when I knew he was going to do it post-prom.</p>
<p>My son is a babe-magnet. He has more friends who are girls than he can handle. I don’t get it. He is not tall, he is losing his hair, so what’s the attraction - but I am not supposed to get it either!</p>
<p>When my S was in 6th grade some moms called a meeting-- invited most of the class moms. We met for a glass of wine & the agenda was to set some sort of standards about boy/girl group activities so we’d all be on the same page re rules, supervision, etc, & kids couldn’t play the “everyone else’s mom says…” game.</p>
<p>During the meeting the subject of kissing experimentation came up. I said I thought the kissing had to be pretty isolated; I certainly hadn’t got wind of any kissing-- who was involved? Every other mother there stared at me and blurted, “it’s your S!”</p>
<p>Soooooo surprised-- as he was 8" shorter than all the girls that year… </p>
<p>He too has always been a chick magnet but I think it is because he has a very very close relationship with his sister and so relates really well to girls; he can really be their friend. (She relates really well to boys for the same reason.) My S has <em>never</em> not invited girls to his birthday party, even during the 1st-5th grade years when nobody else did this.</p>
<p>My son will be a man who genuinely likes women-- I feel good about that.</p>