My daughter is 19 and she has always been one of the most grounded girls I know. She is a Christian and goes to a Christian university. Her boyfriend goes to church with her but this is very new to him. They have dated for 2 years but he has broken up with her twice before. They have been together for a solid year now and our family has embraced him. He is a good guy. However my daughter is pre nursing. She is a freshman and has a long 3.5 years left ahead of her and after one semester on campus she is asking to move off campus into an apartment in August with her boyfriend and another couple they just met a month ago. I try to be a cool mom and understand but I am struggling as a mom and a Christian on how to deal with this. Mostly because I am worried about her being able to stay focused on her studies instead of playing house at 19. The other “roommates” do not have the same difficult majors. Not to say other majors are easy by any means. But anyone who knows a nursing student knows how competitive it is just to get in. Her university accepts no one with less than a 3.75 or higher. On a “mom” level I just don’t want my daughter shacked up yet. I lived with my husband, of 21 years, for just a few months before we got married but we were engaged and I was well out of college and working as an independent woman at 26 years old making my own money. I can’t imagine doing it at 19! Help. I don’t want to push my daughter away. Side note, she doesn’t have a job as we have always thought her job is school. We pay all her bills, car, cell
phone etc.
I think you should discuss how hard it will be to start out living with her boyfriend, never mind adding another couple to the household. What if she’s the only neat one, the only one who needs quiet hours? What if the other couple breaks up, how will the costs be split? What if she and BF break up, who has to move out?
IMO, the issue here isn’t the religion. I have no moral problem with living with SOs without commitment BUT the fact that he’s broken up with her twice in 2 years is a red flag. That is not a stable enough relationship to lock into a lease IMO.
- Make 100% sure she is using reliable birth control, correctly, every time. Any other mistake she makes can be corrected. If you make no other impression on her, do this regardless of whether she takes the apartment or not.
That said, if I were the one paying for college, I’d refuse to pay in this situation. Tell her when she gets out of school and is self supporting, you’d be fine with it. Don’t give her a religious guilt trip – just say you think it will jeopardize her finishing her education. Tell her you like her BF and welcome him at family events, etc as long as they are dating, but that educationally this is a mistake and you won’t fund it. Then stand your ground.
Don’t worry about being cool. It is your money.
This is in no way critical of you. But sometimes you just need to say no. You are footing the bill, you are the parent and not her friend. I feel I am a pretty open and liberal socially person. I would not have been ok with my 19 year old freshman in college living with her boyfriend.
My son lived with his girlfriend now wife but he (and she) were out of college and paying their own bills.
My short and fast rule, no living together in undergrad. My nephew moved in with his girlfriend when they were both in grad school. My sil wasn’t thrilled at first but decided that it was fine ( she was paying rent, so I feel she still had a voice in this).
I would say no, when you are out of undergrad and paying your own rent, you can live with whoever you want. But for now, no. You can give her your reasons but as my H would say to me. Sometimes you don’t have to plead with them, you don’t have to convince them. But you can just say no.
I would take another spin on it. Is daughter aware of how much it will cost to outfit a full apartment? Then splitting hairs on who pays what?
I don’t know what your relationship is with your daughter.
We have a straightforward approach in our house-what’s it going to cost us? Do the benefits outweigh the current situation?
So she wants to play grownup, then she needs to pay to play.
If it were me, I would say, * I’m uncomfortable with you living off campus because you are doing well living on campus. So, I’ll pay your tuition, health insurance, books, car and car insurance.
You will need to be responsible for your housing related expenses.*
Kids, and I do mean “kids”, don’t realize that they have to pay for the things they use on a daily basis. They don’t realize that they need:
-a credit check,
-to pay for internet access,
-first and last months rent
-Cleaning deposits
-References, who aren’t family members
-light bulbs, toilet paper, trash cans
When you get the argument, and you will, you can say, * It will be hard dealing with 3 sets of parent finances splitting all the costs of an apartment. Everyone is liable for anything that happens.*
She will argue with you and will try to use the “sex thing” as the root. Stay away from that by saying, “you’re an adult, what you do is your business; the extra headaches of sharing and splitting finances, with other families, is not something we need.
Your daughter wants you to fully buy in? Don’t pay for her playing house. Right now, you may be fully funding 4 children playing house.
Not fun when my dd moved to an apartment with 4 females. Lack of consideration cause a LOT of problems.
Imagine it with two immature couples! What a mess!
I would tell my daughter …no… she can’t live with her boyfriend right now. That being said… I would also know that they would basically live together anyway… except they would each be paying rent on their own individual apt and most likely one apt would be empty much of the time.
I would explain that they can still have a strong relationship … and if they stay together… great! I would also let her know that her main priority right now is the nursing program and doing well in school. Once she graduates and is supporting herself she can move in with her bf… if they are still together.
I have always told my kids to have their own place until they are ready to marry the person. What would they if they should get into a fight with SO and want to leave? Would they feel compelled to stay because they had no where else to go? What I have also told them was I would never pay for their expenses when if they were to live with someone or have children before they were self supporting. It has nothing to do with morality. It has everything to do with economic.
There is another issue to consider.
It is highly likely that your daughter will need YOU to be a cosigner on her lease. This will put you as well as the other parents on the hook for paying the rent. The landlord will not care who moves out or won’t pay. He will come after everyone to get the rent money. Are you willing to assume that risk?
I would not be comfortable with my daughter in this situation. My issue has nothing to due with morality or religion. It is more about maturity. Many freshman do not have enough life experience to jump into playing house. I would want her to have a place to go to if the relation ends.
I suspect the reality is that if your daughter’s boyfriend moves off campus and gets an apartment then the bulk of her time will be spent there even if she has her own place. You might want to establish under what conditions you will continue supporting her. I am thinking setting a reasonable GPA goal. Anything else is probally not really realistic.
Oh, heck no. If they break up, where would she go? Or where would he go? Absolutely not. A break up would be tough to deal with, but a break up that would result in upended living situation is just setting her up for too much angst, while she’s in a competitive major, as you say.
@oldfort, when you’re out in the working world and can afford to break a lease, I don’t see any particular problem with living with your SO. If you want to leave, it will cost you some money, but you can do it.
But it’s different in college. In some college communities, most apartments rent for the school year. It can be tough to find a new place to live in midyear. Sometimes, couples who have broken up have had to spend the rest of the year living in the same apartment. This is certainly awkward.
I can give you the perspective of a parent who went through this except with a son who was in a very demanding program.
GF was a sweetheart. They were very much in love it seemed. After sophomore year they wanted to get an apt together. They were together every night and both were living in the town were the school was. DS had talked openly about marriage after graduation. They were a very mature couple and came to both sets of parents in an adult manner and made their case. Both of them needed some financial support in college but not much. We supported their decision. GFs parents did not at first but came around.
First few months were fine apparently. We noticed a big change at Christmas that year. Details do not matter but I spoke to my son. There was an issue but he assured us they worked it out. Saw them again a few weeks later and things seemed fine. The a few weeks later again at my DS birthday and no signs of issues.
They both then drop out of contact which was very unusual. We gave them space. Then DS called us in tears and said the relationship was over and she had told him to move out (it was in the middle of a semester). This was not the agreement that was in place in case of this contingency. He moved out to escape the drama. Found out that DS had been couch surfing for a couple weeks. He did eventually find a place to live for the remainder of the semester. Did I mention that they had renewed their lease for a year a couple weeks prior to the breakup? That was a mess!
Needless to say DS bombed several crucial exams that semester and almost derailed his career. He admitted that they had been faking being ok when they were with us. He was trying to make it work and did not want to admit a mistake. We also found out GF was not who we thought she was at all. The whole episode was essentially a divorce down to splitting common assets and dealing with the lease. It caused trust issues for our entire family that took a long time to resolve. GF dropped out of school and never went back.
Everyone in both families were totally stunned. I can honestly say that supporting them living together was the worst mistake I’ve made as a parent. Don’t support it! The downsides are far too serious. 19/20 is too immature especially with a couple of past breakups as a warning. Cut off funding except for tuition if she does this.
DS took about a year to right the ship. We were quite worried. He did graduate and is very successful at his dream career but it was touch and go for a while. He is getting married soon to a wonderful woman. They have been together 6 years and did not live together the first 4+ years of their relationship. He learned a lot about what he wanted and didn’t want in life partner. It would have been a lot less painful if they had not been living together as undergrads. The breakup would have happened anyway though.
Hope this helps.
As long as your paying the bills you have the right to say no. I agree with the poster that stated that they have broken up twice so it isn’t a stable relationship. Give her some food for thought. What if he decides to break up with her again and starts bring other girls over to the apartment? Is he breaking up with her because she doesn’t do what he wants her to do (a control situation)? Who will be paying for the food, cooking and cleaning? While roommates will claim that everything will be split, there is a good chance that it won’t be. There is also the utility bills to be split and they have to go into someones name.
Sharing a dorm room with someone you don’t know can be difficult, but it is much easier to play musical room changes than in an apartment. If they break up she is still stuck due to the lease. Because she is under 21 some landlords will require a parent to co-sign for her. She need to really think things through and maybe grow up a bit. Schools should come first.
I agree with the consensus. They are too young, the relationship (with two break-ups) is too unstable, and she needs to be focused on school. I don’t object to two mature, self-supporting, people in a deeply committed relationship moving in together, but I would not agree to allow a 19 year old student moving in with her BF.
I did not allow any of my kids to move off campus until senior year- had nothing to do with BF/GF and EVERYTHING to do with what my H and I know to be the hassle factor of apartment living (which kids totally romanticize). You come home from Xmas break and your bedroom window is broken. Where are you going to sleep for three nights until the landlord “gets around to it”. You come home from Xmas break and the kitchen sink pipe froze and then unfroze and there is water damage to the apartment next door which the landlord claims is YOUR responsibility because kid didn’t open the cabinet door to make sure the pipe didn’t freeze. Broken door lock, pest control, replacing lightbulbs, CONSTANT grocery shopping. Either the kids cook (which is time consuming- especially without a car) or they eat out (a budget buster after two weeks). And the hassle of finding a tenant for June-August which you are paying for but your kid isn’t living there.
If it were me (and it was) I’d explain that our deal is that we pay for a dorm so that when the heat goes out there is someone to complain to, and when the smoke detector in the laundry room goes haywire, one phone call to campus security and the problem gets checked out and resolved.
Your D has her entire life to live in cruddy apartments with whomever she chooses. Right now YOUR financial support consists of a check to the campus housing department, not a private landlord.
I’d leave the BF out of it entirely.
But truthfully- do YOU really want to be the financial guarantor for three other kids who you don’t know? One drops out midyear- then what? One decides to transfer and never shows up in September- do you really want to assume 1/3 of that kid’s rent? You discover a week before class starts that one of the other kids deposit checks bounced and the parents have declared bankruptcy- now what?
What is the alternative housing for your daughter next year- dorm or apartment? If she is already going to live in an apartment, I’m not sure it matters who her roommates are. The truth is, she can spend every waking minute she is not in class with him at his apartment no matter where you think she “lives”.
Full disclosure: I lived with my husband (who got an engineering degree) after 3 months of dating- he was barely 20, I was 22- so older than your daughter. We’ve been married over 20 years, so it wasn’t a bad decision! I also didn’t tell my parents until several months of living together. I had a really close relationship with my dad, but he hadn’t met my BF, so I didn’t want to spring it on him without meeting him. I know my dad wasn’t thrilled, but in the end, said I was an adult and could do what I want (I was still in school and yes my parents were paying). The truth is kids lie to parents if they think they will disapprove.
If paying her rent to live with her boyfriend in some way is making you feel like you are condoning her “living in sin”, then you can say it to her. If she waited a year and was in the nursing program, would you be more comfortable? If yes, offer that up. I have a close relationship with my daughter- I would have no problem having a discussion about how much time she is currently spending with her boyfriend and how much she is sleeping over. She would be fine with me asking and might even be 90% truthful. I would also talk about what would happen in a worst case scenario- like breaking up or living with another couple who might fight and the drama it could be and what if they break up? Since you actually like the boyfriend, I would be more bothered with them living with the other couple, because that is a huge unknown. Rent still has to be paid, not matter who is living there. Of course, I don’t have a problem with living together before you are married, so my beliefs are probably different than yours, but I would still have reservations and would discuss them.
She sounds like she is a good kid, and maybe this whole living situation will fall apart by next August (best case scenario). I like the argument of the expense of furnishing the apartment made by the pp. But realize that if the boyfriend lives in a place that doesn’t limit her access, she could be living with him anyway.
I have way less issue of living with BF than the drama potential with the other couple. Most leases are set up so individually they are responsible for all the rent. Meaning if two move out, the other two have to pay. It’s not like a dorm where it is by bed. So your daughter’s relationship may be stable, but what can you possibly know about the other two people that are also a couple?
If it were just her and him, it could be like any other room mate situation, parents co-sign, all understood and agreed. The way you have it, too much uncertainty for you.
Does the college offer apts to students? At both my kids’ schools, an option would be to request each other as roommates but each would have a contract with the school for their own room. If there were any problems, arranging to change apts wouldn’t be that hard. It might be a 2 bedroom apt or a 4, but even with a 2 bedroom she’d have her own space.
No way. Another Christian mom here. I get the moral issues, but your daughter is an adult and her morals are between her and God. So I wouldn’t say no on moral grounds (that never works anyway!), but on practical ones.
And I sure as heck would say NO. She’s too young to set up housekeeping with a romantic partner for all the reasons others have stated.
She is in school to get her degree and to prepare for her career. Period. She can have a boyfriend, but that is not her priority right now, and if he is the one for her, he will still be the one when she graduates. If their relationship survives college, then they can move in together on their own dime after they graduate.
If they break up, she will need a living space that is free of him.
Your daughter could have been me when I was her age. At the end of my freshman year I wanted to live with my boyfriend and some other friends in a house off campus. My parents didn’t say “no” as much as they said “not yet”. A good part of it was them wanting me to live on campus another year to meet more people, stay engaged on campus, etc. I’m sure they had doubts about us living together since I was young and given the length of the relationship but they were smart to not make the discussion about that. Boyfriend and I stayed in the dorms another year, although we pretty much always spent the night in one of our rooms or the other (yes, roommates were okay with this - they had their own relationships). End of sophomore, we wanted to move off campus together. My parents were supporting me in terms of room and board (had a part-time job for spending money, clothes, etc.). This time they said yes and co-signed the lease. I’m sure they had some reservations but they treated me as a young adult, knew I was responsible, and knew that if things didn’t turn out okay, the resolutions wouldn’t be life altering. I think they were also being pragmatic and preferred I live with a guy at 19 then go off and get married at 19. End of story: all worked out fine, my grades were better than when I lived in the dorms, I graduated early (which actually saved my parents tuition $$), and over 35 years and 2 kids later, I’m still with that boyfriend.
Perhaps you ask your daughter to wait one more year. Give her a “not yet” instead of a “no”.