SO many issues here (and yes, I hear you. I had some issues with one).
She’s a Christian at a Christian university. That’s totally hypocritical to live with her boyfriend, scripturally. Not a good witness. To me, it matters personally, but there is also another question. Is it one of the conditions of enrollment? She needs to know.
They have broken up twice before. This is where you RUN. It is quite rare that this works out and signing a Lease is a big fat no. There was a reason they broke up before. She needs to examine that closely and honestly answer the question to herself of what has changed. Because if nothing has changed, it is inevitable that it will occur again, and she could end up holding the bag. Housing is rented by the tenant “jointly and severally”. There is no “my part of the rent” to the landlord. If the other couple bails, your daughter and the boyfriend are responsible. If they all bail, your daughter is responsible to get the rent paid (though all can be sued). She could end up in an eviction situation and you do not want that on your record starting out.
You can be a cool mom, or you can speak up for what is right. You can’t always do both. Believe me, I know whereof I speak. I am not the cool mom. Looking back, the people who spoke truth to me were much more valuable than the ones who said what I wanted to hear.
Your concern about her schooling suffering is valid. I would not support this at all, shacking up with the boyfriend and another couple she doesn’t know, and certainly not if I am paying the bill.
They’ve also been together for at least a year since their last breakup. Many (most?) people have rocky points in relationships. I know I did. Learning to work through them is key to long lasting relationships. The fact that this young couple worked through their early issues and have been together at least a year since their last break up is a plus not a minus in my book.
I would still want my child to have a place of her own,preferably in a dorm. She can spend time with b/f and friends, but have a quiet place to study. There is just too much responsibility in an apartment.
At some of the FL schools, there is college housing in apartments. Four bedrooms in a suite, and each signs their own lease. One is able to change rooms during the year. That is a better set up,than a private apartment, IMHO
do not let her do this, my daughter did (senior, not freshman, but a nursing major, so I get that part). It was a disaster. Last year of college, like high school, is sometimes the year to fish or cut bait. In spite of a long term relationship, no previous break ups, he cut bait. There were issues with breaking the lease (I wasn’t a co-signer as she could pay her own rent by then).
Since you are paying, play the money card. Do what you have to to keep this from happening.
I would not let my daughter do that while she is in only her second year of college in a tough program, and with a guy that hasn’t been a consistent for more than a year. I agree with previous posters that it is risky for her in regards to signing a lease with him. Two couples living together can be problematic. I have no issue with her shacking up with a guy, but at her current stage of college and life it doesn’t seem smart.
Living with the BF and another couple could lock her into a number of otherwise avoidable problems, all mentioned above. Both couples need to commit to being together for all of next year.
I like the “not yet” strategy. If possible, could she get a single so they have a place to be alone on campus? I think at this age, maintaining options is really important. She may still choose to spend time with the BF, but she doesn’t have to.
Another risk. Other couple moves out. They are responsible adults and offer to sublet the aptments to another couple or let your daughter pick up their share of the rent. So door 1 live with two complete strangers or door 2 double the rent. Do you want that mess?
I really do not like the “not yet” strategy unless you fully mean it. I would say no and fully and truthly explain your reasons. Since you are paying, I feel you are fully in your rights to say no. If she was paying for everything then she is an adult and it is her life not yours.
I would say no, not until she is out of college and self supporting. The probability of someone wanting out of the apartment due to a breakup is very high so the financial risk of that and the lease implications is too great. The breakup might not be her but the dollar risk of covering the rent is still there even if she and the boyfriend stick.
I would not support this because this is a time for kids to grow up and find their own voice. I think moving in with someone will interfere with emotional growth.
They broke up twice though. Sure, it might be for the best in the long-term but more often than not, early fighting = poor long-term prospects.
I moved in with Mr R the summer between sophomore & junior year after having been together only about 5 months (we didn’t marry until 2 years out of college). It worked out for us so I clearly don’t have a problem with people living together, even that young. But I think there should be some more stability before committing to a year-long lease. We had signed a lease but we had an out if it didn’t work out (we had a pact to swap with friends if we didn’t work out. Luckily we never had to test if they really would’ve moved for us.)
If she is funding this, I would have no objection. I would not be party to any financial obligations though. I am very pro cohabitation and think it should be mandatory pre marriage, but again, not on your dime, this is a risky business. I wouldn’t be cosigning on an apartment period though, with or without a boyfriend.
“That’s totally hypocritical to live with her boyfriend, scripturally” - Not all Christians would agree, but that’s not the point to debate here. On practicality alone, sharing an apartment with the bf is asking for trouble. As shown in the example posted, it is easy for things to fall apart. Roommate arrangements are fraught with risk, even when not romantically involved. But you can gut it out better when not sharing beds.
I did have dear friends that married college sweethearts that married within weeks of graduation. One couple did live together senior year (with parental blessing). The other was required to live with female roommate on campus if she wanted parents paying for college… I think that was reasonable. (Both couples are still married 30+ years later. Ditto for me and the 4th friend that also married our college BF … it can work. )
We don’t know why they broke up before or how ugly it was. I can imagine gentle reasons 17 or 18 year olds might stop being a unit, early in a relationship, when they’re getting to know each other. Now they’ve been together a year.
OP says he’s a good guy, but not whether she sees signs the relationship seems strong, they negotiate well, keep their own priorities straight (starting with school, and family) respect the other’s goals and needs, and all the rest that shows mature commitment. I think that’s important.
But I’m here to say, what spared us was, “When you’re 21…” or variations. Eg, one might be, “When you’re financially independent, you can make all sorts of decisions.”
As for being a cool mom, I’m fine with my girls thinking so. But you don’t let it go to your head. They know I’m the mother first and foremost. Lol, I told them I always will be.
Several people have commented about problems with breaking leases, someone being saddled with someone else’s rent, etc. I’m curious to know if OP’s daughter’s school offers on campus housing all 4 years and, if not, by what year most students are off campus. Some of those arguments about the second couple are, to me, no different from renting an apartment with any other students…always run the risk of the situation going badly.
In terms of living with a bf sophmore year, I personally think it’s way too young and would likely pull the $$ card, since we (and OP) are footing the bill. Having a heart to heart sharing concerns about studies being the top priority, the risks of D not remaining as happy in the relationship as she is at this moment (or the bf), the flexibility to have one’s own space, the advantages to being on campus (assuming that’s an option), etc. would be the way I’d go. But, if D fought me, I’d say no based on the investment I’m making in her education. If I considered “we’ll see,” I’d say for senior year. At that point, they’d be going on 4 years and, presumably, she would understand what was required to maintain good grades, etc.
And obviously it depends on if they are talking about a 4 bedroom rental or 2 bedroom rental. The financial risk is still there. If is a 4 bedroom it might be easier to gut out a breakup but if they were considering a 2 bedroom then there is a risk the d would want to move if a breakup occurred. if one of the other couple moves out or the bf friend moved you would still have 3 covering rent instead of 4.
Both of my girls lived off campus after sophomore year, and they always had their individual lease even when they were sharing. I insisted on it and negotiated it for them. One of D2’s roommates did take a semester off due to parent’s illness. She was responsible for her own rent.