I understand your concerns…nursing school, he’s broken up with her twice…AND you pay all of her bills.
If she wants to live like an adult with an SO, then she should pay for that aspect.
I’ll join in the chorus: just say no.
I don’t have any religious or moral/ethical issues about cohabitation or sex outside of marriage, but I do think that the situation would be rife with pitfalls, all of which have been described above. To me, the presence of another couple puts the cap on it. Now, the stability of her living situation depends not only on her relationship with the BF, but on the stability of another couple! No way, no how.
Sharing a place over the summer, just maybe. For the entire school year? No way, no how. If she chooses to spend most of her nights at his apartment, that’s her business as long as she keeps her academics where they need to be. She still has a place of her own to live no matter what.
Does she have a roommate? Are students allowed to sleep together in the dorms at this Christian college? If this proposed move an attempt to circumvent such issues? No matter: the answer is no.
I am not one to play the “who’s paying” card of college students, but in this case I’d play it. “Sorry, X is a nice guy and we are happy to see him anytime, but we consider this arrangement to be a threat to your well-being and academic goals at this point and we therefore cannot pay for it.”
PS. Would a landlord really rent a 2-br apartment to two couples aged 19 or 20? S/he would have to be nuts, IMHO.
This happened all the time in my undergrad. The landlords don’t care.
So tricky. I like the suggestions of saying “not yet” instead of “no”. I like the suggestions of avoiding the morality issue.
I think I might work the angle of you two kids in love might spend every single night at one or the other’s place, and believe me when I say both of you will come to appreciate having your own space at this time in your life. Reassurance that having separate apartments will not diminish the relationship or commitment to one another. This is the smart way to “have it all”.
NO! Many, many reasons.
She is treating a boyfriend like a husband. You don’t need to fund it.
I agree with the above posters as I don’t think that two couples that are sophomores living together is a good plan. I don’t think that 4 girls or 4 guys living together off campus as sophomores is the best plan although plenty of people do and it works out fine. Although both of my daughters lived off campus with mixed groups of friends including couples as seniors and it worked out fine, and they lived on-campus with mixed suite set-up, there are always issues. Issues with the landlord and who is responsible for what… trash and recycling days, raking up leaves, snow issues… power failures, washing machine break-down, burst pipes, broken outdoor lights, and so on and so on. The issues with roommates and friends regarding cleaning, who is responsible for what, how are you going to deal with groceries… split everything or split basics only, initially outfitting an off-campus apartment with cookware, dishes, bathroom rugs, lightbulbs, etc.
On top of that there are relationship issues and quiet times for study, ride-sharing back and forth to campus and more…
Here is the reason I don’t want my kids to do what your daughter wants to do. I was dating my husband while I was in college and had an apartment with my friends and he with his. I would not trade those years for the world! As a female, I feel empowered for having to take care of my own self for those years - figuring out how to pay the bills, fix the car and other things on my own. Also - for a lot of us once we’re married we are part of a bigger whole. This is the time in her life to have her life all to her own and it’s a beautiful and invaluable time! I’ve told my sons I don’t want them to take that experience from their girlfriends if the opportunity arises and will tell my daughter to appreciate this unique time in her life as an independent person.
As a nursing student this is especially important for your D. We had this talk with S1 during his junior year. His gf was a sophomore and they were talking about getting a place together. We told him essentially what is being suggested here, that we were not funding it. We also had a long discussion about it.
I had had a clingy and jealous gf in college my senior year. There were times I just needed time alone to do my work but choosing school over her built resentment. I was in engineering, she was an art major with loads of free time. Even though her parents had significantly more money, she expected me to pay for things - more resentment. Spending so much time with her was a serious impediment to both my academics and my social life. I used my experience as an example. We told him to get a place of his own, spend every evening with her if they wanted, but having a place to retreat away from her is the way to keep a relationship intact. It would be better for both of them.
He later admitted we were right about that. His academics were great his senior year. They balanced school and jobs and relationship. They are still together and he is looking for a 2br apartment for them to share when she graduates, our input not necessary.
^^^ This. She can decide to spend lots of time with him or him with her at her place but grades and academic/career ready growth will be telling. If she is a good student she is going to at times see the value of options when it comes to cracking down on the books - or the clinicals (where she may JUST. WANT. A. GOOD. NIGHTS. SLEEP!!! )
Another “No” vote. I know a friend’s son who really got stuck in a situation such as this. It can too easily turn
into a nightmare (or more like a very bad divorce) with no easy way to get out of a relationship. It can just be too sticky a situation. And in this situation it would be doubled by adding another couple.
In this case I’d consider having your own place as good insurance. Just having that “out” will help a budding relationship rather than stifle it. Being able to keep a literal sense of independence is important.
Are the boyfriend and other couple attending the same school? If not, then there is not a big enough font for my NO. If they are, it’s still a bad idea and one I wouldn’t fund. She is there to go to school and get a degree. OK if she can also maintain a relationship, but they both need their own space, and neither should be in a situation where they can’t retreat to their own space if the relationship breaks down. This situation sometimes occurs just with acquaintance/roommates, but would be much more difficult with BF/GF.
Well, FWIW, a unanimous thread with everyone agreeing it’s a very bad idea for ALL the reasons you mentioned as well as others in this thread.
If it’s meant to be, they can revisit the issue of living together when they are done with school and self-supporting or at some later date than now.
I also agree having lots of young people sharing a place can pose it’s unique problems as well, especially 2 young couples. When I was in grad school, my BF and I went camping with another couple. We were fine but the other couple was very moody and not talking with each other or us by the end of the rainy week! That couple had been dating for many, many years.
I am in somewhat the same position as @frazzled 18. My daughter is 20 and a junior in college. Next year she wants to move in with her boyfriend. However, they have been together for only a few months. He rents a house with another couple. He is 26 and my D is 20. She is mature, works and gets straight A’s. I respect her as a person. However, I told her we would not support her in this decision. Financially or otherwise. We pay for her tuition, rent, etc.,etc. She contributes quite a bit also. Buys her own food, gas, clothes and incidentals. For all the reasons everyone else has pointed out, it’s a bad decision.
Pretty sure nothing new has been said on this thread since page one.
Consensus: Just say no.
Well, not quite a consensus. I’m going to disagree with part of it.
I agree that it can be difficult to break a lease as a college student, which means that couples who are living together face housing problems if a relationship breaks up.
The part I disagree with is that living with one’s SO would necessarily interfere with a student’s ability to study. In fact, the student might be better able to study in an apartment shared with an SO than in a dorm double. There’s more space in an apartment. In most cases, there’s a living room as well as one or more bedrooms, so one person can study in one room while the other one is doing something else, like watching TV, in another room. Also, an SO pretty much by definition cares about you – certainly more than a random roommate does.
During college, my daughter ended up living with her boyfriend by accident. (Yes, this can happen. I’m about to explain.) She was at a college where off-campus apartments rent for the following year very early. She and two friends – one male, one female – signed a lease for a three-bedroom apartment in November, with the lease to start the following August (at the beginning of the next school year). Several months later, she and the male prospective apartment mate started dating, and that relationship continued. This meant that when the next school year started, she was living with her boyfriend. This did not interfere with their academics in any way, and I was never concerned that it would. They were both serious students, and they both understood that the other person was a serious student. They respected each other’s needs, including academic needs. Isn’t that part of what a relationship is about?
Marion, at least they each had their own bedroom.
That’s true, @bookworm. The apartment had lots of space. Perhaps that made a difference.
Yes, yes, and they weren’t moving in with another couple just trying out the live together stage.
I’m going to sort of break the consensus.
A lot of people here seem to be all in favor of the parents digging in their heels and basically forbidding the adult daughter from doing something completely legal, that the parent may not like. Threatening to withdraw all support (not just financial, but basically emotional) and just telling the daughter no.
Any parent that does that needs to be prepared for consequences… such as this couple deciding to get married. Which, BTW, is a lot more messy in the event of a breakup than breaking a lease would be. After threats and bad feelings, the parents may not even be invited to said wedding. I saw versions of this happen countless times in my life.
If there is a solid relationship here between the parent and the young adult, then working through “what if” scenarios should help both student and parents. What if they break up, what if they can’t live with the other couple, what if the other couple breaks up, what if they just have a fight (not a break up but a fight where someone needs space), what if someone’s grades start to suffer and that person decides the living situation isn’t working, what if someone can’t afford the finances…
As a parent, that is what I would do along with the suggestion of “not yet” being better for now. I would also be going over the finances with my kid and letting them know what I do and don’t feel comfortable with financially. No matter what though, I would be very clear that I’m not going to withdraw emotional support regardless of the living arrangements.
All the “what ifs” are what our parents used to throw at us. When we were young, did that always work? Nah. And working through the what ifs can give a kid the false impression that satisfactory answers are good enough. And that clouds the parent’s position. (No, if a kid comes up with some hunky assurance, it’s not enough that the parents need to pay for it.)
The parents can be clear. This isn’t withdrawing emotional support, causing a permanent rift, or pushing them into marriage. It’s just saying, we won’t pay for an experiment. But when you’re older, these will be your choices. All things in good time.
There’s only so much we can control for and yes it’s good to talk to them, go over scenarios. But that doesn’t mean the parent has to go through conniptions to convince them about your pocketbook decisions.