Has OP chimed in with how this story ends? I’d love to know the outcome!
Lived with my then-boyfriend. We even shared a room! Held down multiple part time jobs and managed to get into every master’s program (and later PhD program) I applied to. He was a life-saver doing our laundry, cleaning, making me food, etc.
In fact, every single person I knew who lived with their SO went on to be just fine after college.
Again, I don’t think the OP’s D should do this but let’s not start a narrative that women can’t be successful if they live with their SO. Especially because I never see it said about men.
I have not seen where anyone has said that women can’t be successful if they live with their SO. It’s not a gender issue. It’s a timing and maturity issue.
Post #11
I think @intparent 's advice can’t be stressed enough. While living off-campus increases time away from studies (commuting, cooking, cleaning, shopping, maintenance), and being in a serious relationship (living together or married) requires a big time commitment, as we all know, all of this pales in comparison to the responsibilities of having a child.
I want to mention something else that I’ve given a lot of thought to recently and don’t know the answer to. But as parents we give money (directly or indirectly by paying the bills) to our kids. It’s natural that we would only want to give our hard-earned money for those things that we agree with. But having sat on the other side of the table, it sure does create a lot of resentment when you feel that money is being used as a tool to control your actions. I’m not too sure where the boundary/balance is. I know from another thread several months ago that one CC parent says I will give $X to fund your college and you can spend it any way you want, but I will not give you $1 over. For me, I find that harsh because there are so many legitimate issues that can come up along the way. I’m only seguing over to this thought, because I could easily see the D in this situation feeling like her parents are using their money to control her if they say they will pay for a dorm but not an apartment.
I’ve read the whole thread and come out in a very different place.
If my daughters had approached me with this scenario, I would have said OK. D1 did a defacto version of this her sophomore year when she stopped living with her roommate and moved in with her boyfriend (when we picked her up for move-out, almost none of her stuff was in her original room).
Serious students don’t just stop being serious because of their living arrangements.
I’d also add that saying no would be totally hypocritical from my end, since during undergrad, my girlfriend and I co-habitated. She paid for a double room which she simply used as a closet and we lived in my single.
There are ways of saying no without saying no. You can go the route of saying that is fine and we will continue to pay your tuition in this scenario but your other expenses will be your own rent, food, phone etc. Sit down and make a spreadsheet and budget so she will understand exactly what she will be responsible for. I don’t think it is being controlling…her D is signaling she thinks she is ready for a more serious couple relationship. How does one know if a relationship is serious if it is easy? Living with significant other while not having any financial responsibility is not any sort of real case scenario. She should realize that there are responsibilities that come with this type of relationship. I think it is totally fair.
@mom2twogirls I certainly don’t advocate cutting off emotional support. But I see nothing unreasonable about a parent paying all the bills saying they don’t want to fund an arrangement that seems risky to the student’s academic progress. My older kid got thru college fine without living with her BF, whom she is now marrying many years later. If these kids are meant to be together, the relationship will certainly endure living a few blocks apart. Their GPA might not, though. And I’d be reluctant to risk upheaval – bad GPA can mean a major change, which can mean paying for extra semesters. Nope.
I can tell my kids I won’t buy them something without withdrawing emotional support. Money does not equal love.
And regarding control, I’d pay for an apartment with other girls, although would want her to have her own room. I can deal with some lease risk. It is the emotional turmoil that I’m not willing to risk.
Why don’t we parents just forbid our students from dating period then? That could distract them from their studies and affect their GPA. /sarcasm/ Where do you stop setting up parameters around your child’s choices, a child that has proven to be level-headed and responsible? I don’t buy into “my money, my way” of parenting for everything.
OP states her daughter is very grounded and a good student. I’m in the camp that the wheels won’t fall off the bus just because she is living with her boyfriend. I also agree with a previous poster that it might be an atmosphere more conducive to studying over the dorms. It was for me when I did it.
I think we’ve hit the point where OP has plenty to proces and can decide. But as I said earlier, though he’s “a good guy,” goes to church, and her D is grounded, she hasn’t characteriized the relationship as strong, balanced, or tested. I mean: ready.
Some may feel it’s not the parents’ business to judge that. But this girl is 19, half way through her first year, and can certainly delay the decision without it being seen as holding her hostage to the money Mom and Dad pay.
And ya know, if the D gets free will choice to move ahead or not, so do the parents. Mom sounds reaonable about this, not tyrannical.
If it makes you feel any better, my now husband moved into my freshman dorm room (roommate was living in her boyfriend’s single) we got married after college and are still married 30+ years later. I also got really good grades throughout college and was accepted to graduate school. Although very much in love, I was still very focused on my studies.
And you also had your own dorm room from which HE could have been evicted without penalty to you if things didn’t work out. 
Just like what life was like in the parents’ generation, college life etc, what kids have grown up with now - who has a relationship commitment, work commitment etc? Many kids have so much ‘given’ to them that they don’t have some moral boundaries.
I also think or secular culture really exposes children/young adults to really dabble in the next step in life w/o really enjoying childhood, HS years, college years, young adult years.
How things emotionally affect these young adults…
It now is a given for most if someone is BF/GF with someone past 3 dates they are having sex. Sometimes in college there is even hook up/sex on the first date or first meeting as a ‘standard’.
62% of first marriages don’t last 10 years. People make mistakes, but hopefully can also learn from them. I just think one doesn’t need to enable unhealthy things. Of course many on this thread are fine with sex before marriage, and sex w/o even contemplating a serious permanent relationship. Maybe the ‘cool mom’ and the ‘cool dad’.
I would ask a lot of questions if I was in the OP’s position.
Has the D thought through all the details of living together with another couple? Who pays for what? Who is responsible for paying the rent? Who signs the lease? Who actually finds an appropriate place to live? How are groceries arranged/meals planned/shopping schedules/who cooks? Who cleans? Are other friends allowed to stay over? Who pays utilities? Study schedules? Quiet times? What about summer months - do all stay? Go home? What happens with rent, utilities, etc. then?
My H and I lived together starting less than a year after we met. We virtually lived together, although we both had our own places, very shortly after we met. All 5 of my Ds lived with their significant others during college with no particular issues. No negative effects on academics for any.
What were the circumstances surrounding two breakups already? Have those issues been resolved?
These are the important aspects of this situation. Too many parents are all caught up in the sex aspect of this. Trust me, the vast majority of kids in relationships are having sex by this point, Christian kids included, and all should have been educated about safe sex long before college.
@SOSConcern That’s your moral code. We don’t all share it. I think it is awfully judgmental.
Also, the divorce rate you’ve stated is much higher than any published rate I’ve ever seen. Do you have a source you can cite?
Personally I think a single room in an on campus dorm is the optimal situation for a busy young college student.
If you have a quiet place to sleep and study, you can always go out with friends/SO.
Honestly, even just renting off campus with friends can be risky.
No place to go if things don’t work out, can ruin the school year.
Now add the romantic relationship, even greater risk of disrupting your education.
When graduated and working, one can always take a vacation to deal with things, but missing school is a very costly disruption. How many people have long term relationships from freshman year ? To me this is something to consider maybe as a senior, when you have established success in the classroom, and a longer track record of sleepover weekends together.
No. I’d veto this idea. I’ve seen S and a nephew get stuck with leases/stuck without housing, and put in difficult financial situations with “friends” who flaked out on housing agreements. These did not even involve romantic relationships on their parts, though some of their friends were couples. Add that these kids are young (maybe prone to impulse, changing their minds?) and the one relationship doesn’t seem that stable (HE has broken up with her twice already…) You don’t even know the other couple/their history. I’m surprised that this (unmarried couples “playing house”) is considered a reasonable housing option for church-going Christian college students . Yes, it could work out…but, in my son’s case, his housing mess negatively affected his entire junior and senior year. It would’ve been cheaper and much, much less complicated/stressful for him to have stayed on campus. Aside from the relationship issues, you can’t really tell if your “friends” will be trustworthy with finances. If it were my 19yo D? No.
Not quite the same situation but younger d lived in a dorm her sophomore year that was converted from grad school housing to undergrad. Her room was 3 bedrooms, a bathoom and a kitchen area. No common room or living room. The kitchen had a narrow four burner stove and lots of counter space to accomodate a toaster oven, blender and microwave, a slim but standard size refrigerator. It was an issue because sophomores were required to have a meal plan but the point is actually that on one of the lower floors, a couple lived in one of the two bedroom suites… with a baby. There wasn’t an RA on every floor and no one really knew the situation but they went back and forth in the common elevators with baby in stroller, snuggli… whatever…
@SOSConcern there is no evidence that this generation is any different than any other. In fact, my generation’s divorce rates are lower than our parents’, even adjusting for age.
I despise any and all “kids these days” arguments because I have statistics to refute basically any and all BS people throw out.
The 1950s had MARRIAGE COUNSELORS in high schools because people got married so young. WE grow up quickly? Give me a break. At least we no longer start grooming any and all women for marriage from diapers.
Studies from the 50’s and a little earlier showed a lot more premarital sex than we assume. Even among the self declared religious. Same with further studies in the early 70’s. One difference is we talk about it more, acknowledge it. It’s not “this generation.”
Haven’t read all the responses, but I’d insist that my child read this thread. There is a lot of great advice here. Hindsight is so great. It’s a shame we can’t have it before we make stupid mistakes. Good luck, hope she comes to her senses.