<p>OP, are you looking for us to affirm that she should have sent a card or something? She should have. So I guess you have a decision to make: Are you willing to give up a 45-year friendship over this? We can’t answer that for you.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Because perhaps she thought that you were doing this from your heart because you truly cared about her daughter and wanted to help her with out expectation of reciprocation. I am not of the mind set that that one should give a gift with the expectation of when their “turn” comes, that one should reciprocate. </p>
<p>If you have to “go to Georgia” and pull up all of the times you gave or what you did for this person, then you’ve really gotta question why you gave because IMHO, you did not give it or do it freely . But I am also of the mind set that I give because I enjoy giving and have never expected anything in return from anyone.</p>
<p>I agree with Las Ma that at the end of the day, it does not matter what any of us say, you will need to determine for yourself if you can get past this and whether or not this friendship is worth maintaining. If someone is really your friend (not simply someone you just happen to know) then you need to accept them warts and all.</p>
<p>Taking a Doubesty moment to smile and nod.</p>
<p>I am a boor like ihs76. I don’t send cards and gifts. But I use Facebook or email to wish people happy birthday or congratulations. And for someone who I see in person and can say congratulations to their face and even hug them to express my thoughts, why should I send a card?</p>
<p>I get upset with friends when I feel that I am always the giving one and they do nothing. But there has to be many instances of that for me to end the friendship. Your friend has acknowledged your son’s graduation, in her own way. If you get value out of this friendship I wouldn’t dwell on this.</p>
<p>If you’re so old school, you wouldn’t have sent graduation announcements in the first place. They seem like merely a bid for a gift as far as I’m concerned. </p>
<p>And I wouldn’t ever expect anyone – even grandparents – to give a gift. Gifts should come from the heart, not out of obligation.</p>
<p>Sometimes people stop giving gifts or cards in hope someone else would stop doing it. I don’t like giving or receiving gifts from friends, except when it is something they saw in a store and felt, “it’s something you would love.” D1 just graduated from college this weekend. Other than family, we didn’t really tell friends about it. I have one friend who is bugging me about what to get D1, and it is hard to shake her, but she is one of my closest friends. </p>
<p>In fairness to OP, if she has been doing a lot for her friend, and the friend couldn’t even send a gift card after receiving a graduation announcement, then I would re-evaluate the friendship. People do expect something when they send out graduation announcement. Since OP gave the friend’s son an expensive gift, is helping the daughter, and gave a charity gift recently, the friend should have done something. In my opinion, it called for more than just a card.</p>
<p>being from the deep South, gifts are generally sent to friend’s children when they graduate. sometimes the gifts are inexpensive and with long time good friends the gifts can be quite expensive. my wife is generally in charge of this and she is notorious for procrastinating well into the summer.</p>
<p>This is the reason that I’ve always thought graduation announcements were unseemly. They are an obvious bid for a gift. They just don’t exist where I live. My thought is that anyone who is close enough to my child to care that they’re graduating, already knows about it and thus does not need an announcement.</p>
<p>The giving of a gift, or a charitable donation, for that matter, should occur without any expectation of reciprocation. If you find yourself in a situation where it is only you who continues to give, then you have the option to reevaluate how you view the friendship and whether or not you want to continue giving.</p>
<p>There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending graduation announcements! We send announcements to people who are important to us for the special events in our lives, births, weddings, and yes, graduations. I did not send grad announcements when my son graduated 7 years ago, but received many, many from his friends. We are sending announcements for my daughter who graduates this year. There are many people who have touched her life along the way that will be thrilled when they receive her announcement. This has nothing to do with gifts! It is about sharing important moments in our lives with the people that we care about.</p>
<p>To the OP, I am sorry your feelings are hurt, but it is time to stop
keeping score. If this is just another incident that leaves you feeling hurt, it is time to reevaluate this friendship and your expectations of it.</p>
<p>Amen, alwaysamom and oldfort. </p>
<p>Anyway, I think hs graduation is such an “eh” accomplishment it’s silly to announce it. Of course they were going to graduate hs, barring some extreme circumstance such as a serious illness or injury.</p>
<p>Well, in some parts of our great country, 2 out of 3 high school students do not graduate! Actually, I believe this is the statistic for the country as a whole, so it may well indeed be worse in some areas. Obviously this is not the case for people on CC, but ai feel that high school graduation is a right of passage that deserves to be celebrated, whether it was certain they would graduate or not.</p>
<p>There have been a couple of previous threads about the whole graduation announcement debate – it seems to be a regional thing. Around here (CT), announcements (HS or college) aren’t sent. Graduation parties, OTOH, are very common, so invitations are sent for those.</p>
<p>BUT, the question about announcements wasn’t the OP’s issue. IMO, life is really just too short to keep count/score. Go ahead, stew a little if you want – then let it go. Good friends are hard to find and shouldn’t be measured according to gifts or cards. As to whether this is a good friend – only you know for sure, OP.</p>
<p>I’m one of those socially-challenged people who needs to be told when I’m not reciprocating properly in a friendship. Though even I would have sent a card with a check enclosed to the child of a close friend that I knew was graduating - because I wanted to, not because that’s How It’s Done. But I don’t expect a lot of gestures from my friends, and that’s the standard I apply. I don’t send birthday cards, except to close relatives; I don’t keep mental track of what 's going on in the lives of friends - I wait for them to tell me.</p>
<p>So, OP, if she’s a very close friend, you could try telling her at some point when you’re having a private conversation, “You know, I was surprised and a little hurt that you didn’t acknowledge the graduation with a card” (and you could even add “or gift” if that’s what’s important to you). If I were the friend in question, I’d appreciate knowing what your expectations were. At that point, it might become obvious to both of you that your expectations are very different, and you both might decide to redefine what your friendship means.</p>
<p>I second Alwaysamom’s post. Im graduating HS this year and my mom pressured me to send out graduation announcements. I think one’s relationship with the person they’re sending an announcement to is the obvious deciding factor here in regards to whether to expect a gift, and honestly whether an announcement should be sent AT ALL, because they kind of are a bid for a gift. (texan, if yall are trying to establish some kind of regional trend.)</p>
<p>I was very uncomfortable sending them for the reasons listed above (tough economic times, people who would care to know already know im graduating anyway). Its been about two weeks and my first gift was from an elderly woman whom I’ve known my whole life. She sends us xmas gifts too, but shes a widow on a reverse mortgage -.- I’m going to die a little inside when i spend the money she gave me.</p>
<p>Just my 2 cents. As far as the OP’s specific question, the friend does seem a little tactless. I dont know what their history is as far as sending gifts/cards, but (and this is coming from a teen who HATES formalities) the classy thing would have been for her to acknowledge your news somehow other than by text. Its a little early to count her out for a gift, but so far she’s oddly rude for a friend of 45 years. THAT SAID come on, shes been your friend for four and a half decades. Dont hate her over this.</p>
<p>Has she ever given your son a gift or done him a significant favor in the past (eg, birthday present or Christmas gift, etc)? Did he write her a thank you note? Just asking, it could be about him and not you…</p>
<p>I suppose you will have your chance to do the same when her daughter graduates if you want it all to be even. I must say, if I were you I would not give her daughter a present if nothing comes by the end of the summer for your son, but I would still send a card.</p>
<p>I’m surprised by some of the reactions here. Sheesh.</p>
<p>OP, I think it’s understandable that you feel hurt by your friend, seeing as how you feel like you’ve done a lot for her and her family. I guess you have three options: 1) Talk to her about it, 2) Sit and stew or 3) lessen/end the friendship.</p>
<p>Another Southerner here who sees absolutely nothing wrong with graduation announcements. In announcements sent to people who aren’t family (who I knew would send a gift) and who are really more my friends, I included a note that said “Please don’t send gifts. We just wanted you to share in our celebration” or something along those lines. We also included a senior pic. I know I love getting pics of the kids. I don’t see announcements as a shakedown for gifts, either when I get them or send them; if other people do I guess that’s their problem. They mark rites of passage. Good grief, should we not have obits in the paper – “People will know he’s dead when he quits coming to work/paying his bills/mowing the lawn.”</p>
<p>PG, neither of my parents made it as far as HS, much less graduated from it. For them, my graduation wasn’t an “eh” achievement, and I know they are equally proud of their grandkids.</p>
<p>
Exactly why I stopped sending gifts to my cousins adult kids 1500 miles away. I know that is not how she raised them, when they lived at home I always got a TU.</p>
<p>Yds - my father didn’t graduate hs either (he dropped out, went into the service, went to Vietnam, got a GED and then attended college on the GI bill). But my father came from a very poor, hardscrabble background with little parental guidance. I still say when it comes to my upper middle class suburban kids who have never had anything but a stable life, a good school district and engaged parents, it’s not remarkable to graduate hs in that context.</p>
<p>My opinion…
I think graduation announcements come across as asking for gifts. But I realize this tradition varies from region to region but I would not expect graduation gifts from friends. In our case, we purchased the minimum number of graduation announcements as a keepsake of the event and only sent them to immediate family, who would be getting the kids a gift announcement or not. Did not send any to friends. </p>
<p>That issue aside, my feeling is that since this is a close friend of 45 years whom you see weekly and to whom you have sent gifts and help for her kids, the right thing to do on her end was to have at least sent a card. Yes, when you give a gift, nothing should be expected in return. I just think that it would have been the right thing if she had at least sent a card, given the nature of the friendship and what you have done or acknowledged for her kids. However, given that you are close, I would not let any of this affect the friendship. I would simply assume that she doesn’t think like you do when it comes to this sort of nicety. If she is a good friend in all other respects, I would let it go. Continue to send cards or gifts to her family if you feel good about doing so or stop doing that if it bothers you that she doesn’t do the same.</p>
<p>We get a few tickets to graduation, yet the kids get 20 announcements and can order more. Announcements are confusing to some. To others they are a request for a gift. We sent them out with a note that we just wanted to share the news, that we only had enough tickets for immediate family, and that gifts were not needed.</p>
<p>I do remember sending one announcement to an old friend who had moved. We had not seen them in years. They sent a check for $100. I was floored. It was not expected, it was more than even family would be likely to give, and I was a bit uncomfortable. Until the announcement came for her son. Of course I immediately sent $100. I knew he would want cash just as much as D. Then it felt a little silly. But if I sent more it would be more awkward, and if I sent a gift I KNEW he would have wanted the flexibility of the money. Ah well, we are even, hehe.</p>
<p>I do not think of HS graduation as “eh” because it is expected as the norm for kids like ours. I think it is a significant right of passage. However, I would not expect gifts from friends for this occasion. Within our family, we do give gifts for HS graduation.</p>