<p>I totally understand OP’s feelings. However, OP needs no validation for their feelings from this group.</p>
<p>To the OP: I have been close friends with my SIL since well before I met my husband. I met her when I was 12. Over the years I sent gifts, cards, etc. For various events with little reciprocation. We were close, so honestly it did hurt a little. I never said anything.</p>
<p>Almost two years ago now, I had a very normal conversation with her one day about some upcoming events. We parted ways to go in about our daily lives. An hour later, she died.</p>
<p>I am telling you this because in the Last two years of grieving I have not once thought of the lack of reciprocation on her part. Instead I have been totally focused on how much I miss my dear friend. Reading this post made me realize that I am very glad I did not waste our precious time together airing my feelings. At the end of the day, she showed her feelings for me in other ways anyway.</p>
<p>Right - within the family – grandparents, aunts / uncles, etc. But I wouldn’t expect any of my friends or neighbors to give my kids gifts for hs graduation. Or college graduation for that matter. It would be a sweet, but thoroughly unexpected thing. If they “like” the pix on Facebook, that’s enough!</p>
<p>I understand the OP’s feelings here. It appears to be a relationship where a gift or, at least a card, would be expected. I don’t think it was inappropriate for the OP to have this expectation given the relationship and frequency of contact. I would have sent a gift in this situation.<br>
We sent a few announcements and have some friends who we knew would want an announcement. I made it clear to several of them that a gift was NOT expected but that since they had been so supportive of our kids that we wanted them to have an announcement. One actually attended graduation last year!</p>
<p>Southerner here: maybe it is a regional thing, because I surely would have sent something if I received a grad announcement. I don’t receive it as a bid for a gift, but rather they thought us close enough friends to share their excitement/news. I send a gift or card because I am happy for them and want them to know it. </p>
<p>What I don’t like is how when a kid graduates and is only given x number of tickets to the grad ceremony, so you can’t invite all those friends you sent announcements to. It is sometimes confusing to older people who aren’t familiar with this new way of controlling the number of attendees…sending the announcement is sometimes viewed as an invitation. Yikes!</p>
<p>$3.44 for a card plus postage…surely MOST people can afford that. (heck, you can go to the 99cent store and get one for, well, 99 cents!) It sounds like we can deduct the postage too, since she is a neighbor…back to $3.00 or less. So, I’m not buying the financial issues. (plus they go on expensive vacations…)</p>
<p>What you can’t buy is common sense. Some folks are just takers. They will only notice that they’ve hurt someone else’s feelings if it is pointed out to them.</p>
<p>So…maybe a conversation is in order. Nice, sweet and to the point…“A card from you would mean the world to DS. I know that he would be so happy to know that you were proud of him!” That said, I would wait a month at least…stuff can happen and delay acknowlegement.</p>
<p>We did not send out graduation announcements; however we did have graduation parties at which attendees were very generous with gifts. If I get something in the mail (announcement or invitation) then by all means, the family/student has gone out of their way to include me and I offer my congratulations through a gift.</p>
<p>I have a fairly close friend whose son I somehow (not intentionally) did something for him that he is extremely grateful for; he even reference me in his college applications. We never received graduation announcements or invitations, but he did invite me to his wedding this summer. She told me it was purely his idea; she had nothing to do with the invitation list. I felt so honored, and I am really looking forward to going, although it is out of town and I am going alone (H has other plans). I’ve seen him maybe a handful of times over the last five years, and just in passing, so I’m looking forward to the event!</p>
<p>I could never tell someone I had expected a card or a gift. If they don’t give one, and it would have been appropriate for them to do so, I’d just realize that they don’t really have it together in the way that I would behave in such a situation. But I would never say a word about it.</p>
<p>I don’t know. A graduation isn’t like a wedding, where it’s an extended community participating in the person’s joy. I wouldn’t expect anybody other than immediate family members (parents, sisters/brothers, grandparents) at a graduation. (In our case, we are including our nanny who has been with our family since my kids were 1 year old.) It would never even occur to me in a million years that I should or would be invited to my friends’ children’s graduations. And it certainly would never occur to me to invite them to my kids’ graduations.</p>
<p>I sent graduation invitations to grandparents & grandmother & aunt/uncles for D2.
No other announcements.
However no one came except for her sister who lives out of state.
Too much trouble I guess. ( my mother did say she would come if I came and got her, but she lived on the other side of the lake & I was busy & stressed enough as it was)</p>
<p>It may not be the money. I used to be a really big card person – Hallmark saw me coming, they had my number. But over the years, as I’ve tried to declutter my life, sending cards became one of those things that I cut down on. My family and I have agreed that we won’t exchange cards for events when we’re all together anyway (such as Thanksgiving or Christmas - we used to buy T-giving cards and then sit and open them in front of one another - what a waste of money), we’ve stopped doing birthday cards except for the children, etc. It’s part of living a more simplified, minimalist life. Don’t get me wrong, I think a thank-you note is appropriate … and a congrats card is nice, but it’s also kind of silly (IMO) to send an announcement to someone down the street who already knows what’s going on.</p>
<p>I have a brother and sister-in-law who never acknowledged our kids’ births with a card or a gift, let alone their graduations. And these relatives assume we have a “regular,” close family relationship. (“Nobody is going to tell me when I have to give someone a gift” – I remember s-i-l saying when relating that her sister had the nerve to comment on them not acknowledging their kids’ births or birthdays.) These are relatives who never called or acknowledged my mother’s death, or contact us for anything that’s not beneficial for them. Needless to say, we do not consider them close relatives, and despite acknowledging their kids’ special occasions (as we do for all our nieces and nephews), we do not go out of our way to stay in contact with them.</p>
<p>Is this the case with this “long-time friend”? If this has really been a very one-sided relationship all along, maybe you need to acknowledge it for what it is, and not be surprised by something like this. You don’t necessarily need to cut this friend off, but recognized this relationship for what it is – she contacts you/your family when she needs something (help with college applications or search, etc), but doesn’t feel the need to have other contact with you. </p>
<p>Like shellz, I would wait a month or so before I assumed the friend was just blowing it off entirely. But then as an earlier poster noted, you have three choices: 1) Tell her you are hurt; 2) Say nothing and maintain the friendship as is; 3) Drop or lessen the friendship. In my relatives’ case, we took the third choice – I haven’t stopped sending things for their kids’ stuff (because we do it for all our nieces/nephews), but we have recognized that this is not nor ever will be a close family relatioship and we do not expect them to act as if it is. And we are not surprised/hurt when they do not. It is them, not us.</p>
<p>PG: to me, it feels like saying, “Look what’s happening…but you’re not invited.” Kind of awkward if someone isn’t familiar with the ticket process that seems to be the norm today, but wasn’t way back when. And really, how would someone know until they read the tiny writing at the bottom of the announcement that says admittance by ticket only? I know of a few instances where that was overlooked and the people were planning to attend until the parent had to explain they didn’t have enough tickets. Uncomfortable. WAY back when I graduated HS, it was held at the football stadium and anyone could come.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl- funny to send to someone who lives down the street…she sent one to me when her son graduated. We still exchange Christmas cards every year also… I think as I have read all the replys I agree that I have to let it go or reevaluate my relationship with her. Oddly enough, we had a falling out about 3 years ago based on her always being the “taker” in the relationship and not ever offering to give. She didn’t speak with me for well over a year and then one day I get a phone call saying she was wrong, she apoligized, and said she would work on not asking for things and favors so much. Things had been going well in that department up until about 2 months ago when she started “asking” again. But I haven’t addressed any issues with her. But on the same hand, it is hard to serve as her college consultant for her high school daughter and not even get a card for my son! I don’t give to receive but I also am starting to feel like her doormat.</p>
<p>I find all of these (there have been a few lately) “She didn’t give a gift equivalent to what I gave her”, “I sent an announcement and didn’t get anything back”, “She forgot my birthday” threads to be tiresome beyond belief.</p>
<p>Friendship is being there for each other. And “there for each other” is measured by wanting to spend time together, enjoying each others’ company, being there when a friend is in time of need.</p>
<p>“There for each other” is <em>not</em> measured by giving an “acceptable” level of gift for an occasion; sending or not sending a card in return for an announcement, matching up what one person does for another person so that the equation always balances.</p>
<p>I feel very sorry for people who have this concept of friendship.</p>
<p>I send out grad announcements just to keep people in touch. Absolutely no expectation of any gift or response though delighted to get any. I also get a slew of them each year, and I don’t always send a card in response, which I feel is a lacking on my part. </p>
<p>I don’t think you were owed a gift, unless this person gives gifts out to all the grad announcements she gets. I would definitely let this go. You aren’t owed anything upon giving out an announcement.</p>
<p>OP - I suggest you have a little patience here. May is a very busy month for families. Perhaps your friend was expecting a graduation party and intended to bring gift there.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom and Soozie, we have moved a lot in our lives and so announcements whether in the form of a formal one or in a little card are welcomed by me. I also tend to send out announcements for grad when they are provided so that those who figured heavily in our lives with the child are told the this point has arrived. I LOVE getting these notices, and get literally dozens each year.</p>
<p>This year we are in the unusual situation where 6 first cousins are graduating high school! We could be like the Marx brothers swapping salamis as gifts! Some of the families are just not as well to do as others in the mix, so we leave it as a card and note with a photo of all of us at graduation which is what a number of people get in lieu of the announcement. There is a distinction as to who gets the announcement and who gets a card after the event and who gets the news in the annual family letter, based on level of interest in the kid. But NO ONE absolutely NO ONE is expected to send a check or a gift and I think my circle knows that. But I will ask just in case. We do not get anything more than cards in response, and these days it’s mostly electronic response via Facebook and such. </p>
<p>Some years ago when folks were bashing Christmas letters as bragging rags, I asked everyone on my list if they wanted off and just dropped some people that were further removed without any mention. Every single person wanted the letters. That and the announcements were all that were giving us some idea what we were doing. Now with Facebook and websites and e-mails, it’s different is some cases, but I still like getting the paper notifications.</p>
<p>It sounds like sending a graduation announcement is like sending an invoice: he graduated, now pony up. And you’re keeping a ledger of gifts sent and gifts recieved.</p>
<p>I’m glad we don’t do that in my social circle. I don’t want to run my personal life like a business. I prefer to send and receive gifts with no strings attached.</p>
<p>IBWarrior–I would also have sent an announcement as I see it a pleasant gesture among family and friends. I also always send a card and a check, the amount can be large or small, and warm wishes when my family recieves announcements. To me it is just a little bit of old fashioned tradition. I do think you understand where your feelings are coming from and there is history that supports those feelings. I suggest that you do two things: wait awhile and then say something to the effect that things are beginning to slide into your old relationship pattern…and go from there. And #2 pull back gently until you are comfortable. Learn to say “oh, that won’t work for me” without excuses. It is tough in relationships to keep a balance but a necessity.
I think all of your feelings and reactions are normal and healthy. As far as the daughter, I would keep working with her if she is a nice enough girl as I would not penalize a child for her mom’s problems.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Accept that this is not a friendship as you define it, and put her into the “friendly acquaintance” zone. Or</p></li>
<li><p>Take her out for lunch and have a heart-to-heart with her, telling her everything you’re telling us. Depending on her response, you might have a renewed friendship – or you might have one more “friendly acquaintance.” But at least she will know what’s on your mind, and you will know how she sees your relationship.</p></li>
</ol>