<p>I agree with Lasma fully. I don’t keep tally on who gives what in my life, particularly when it comes to material things, but if someone does not respond the way I want many times, I just move the relationship into a different level. </p>
<p>Sometimes, it can hurt when you feel a relationship is at one level and the other person does not.</p>
<p>CardinalFang, I like your style… but I think we are a small cohort ;).</p>
<p>I also fully agree wtih Lasma and cptofthehouse, who put things more gently.</p>
<p>OP, I think you are right to feel slighted or at least baffled. I would not mention it again. You’ve already asked her if she got the announcement–that was hint enough (I wouldn’t have been so bold to even ask about it), and she didn’t take the hint. Just forget about it.
It may depend on your friend’s relationship with your son. Does she know your son at all, does she like him? I certainly would have given a card and $20 in this situation. Yes, grad announcements are perceived as requests for gifts. I will usually send a card and $20 to just about anyone who bothers to send me an announcement. I think of it as the kid collecting a little spending money for college, and it’s not gonna break me. For nieces, nephews, and godchildren I would give a more substantial gift. My two oldest kids were homeschooled. I did send out announcements to relatives and close friends with “no gifts please” written in some of them. (Some of our friends and relatives are quite poor–I didn’t want them to even THINK about getting a gift. The purpose of the announcement was to tell that the kids were graduating, what college they were going to, and to brag about a few honors they’d received. I was certain our out of town relatives and friends would like to hear this news and see a picture of the kids.)</p>
<p>This year, and two years ago, we received announcements with photos from a brother and sister who are the children of acquaintances of ours. We knew them from church–3 moves ago. We haven’t seen them in person in 6-7 years and they live 8 hours away. I’m friends with the mom on FB, but we don’t send each other messages. We don’t even send Xmas cards to each other. Our D’s were acquaintances and ran into each other at a college weekend (they go to different colleges) 3 years ago. When their D decided to go to a college near us, the mom let me know. I told her that we were available to help her D in case of emergency. H laughed when he saw the brother’s announcement we got last week. (I didn’t send the sister a gift either–it is one of those situations where the relationship is too distant and I don’t think they could reasonably expect a gift from us. I think they were just hoping 
) We’re just sort of confused why they would send us an announcement at all. We don’t know their son. At least we knew the daughter’s name. . .I’m all for keeping old friends and I’m usually the one who is hanging on too long, trying to stay in touch. But in this case, I’m not sure why this family feels like they still have a “relationship” with us.
Anyway, absolutely no qualms about tossing that one in recycling.</p>
<p>like CardinalFang, we don’t send announcements…</p>
<p>But gifts have become a sore subject around my house; I am generous to the point of ridicule among my immediate family…thank you gifts for help w jobs etc, grad gifts to all my friends’ children…</p>
<p>I am, however, officially done… years ago a bunch of friends’ kids graduated; I sent gift cards to each and every one…only got a thank you from 2 out of 10…and most parents never reciprocated…and one even had the audacity to throw a grad party AFTER receiving the gift but did not invite us…</p>
<p>Sent holiday gifts to all nieces and nephews; no thank yous five months later…done</p>
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Agree. One of those two options. I vote for the lunch. I recently salvaged a lapsed friendship by spending four hours with the friend during which we aired our grievances and acknowledged that we needed to compromise on our expectations of the friendship. It turned out that there had been a lot of silent misunderstandings. I’m glad we did it. I’ve realized that i have missed her and am grateful to have her back in my life.</p></li>
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<p>No offense, Cpt. but who would admit it if they wanted off the list? :)</p>
<p>Anyway, I understand the OPs angst. i agree with the posters who feel that gifts should be freely given and we should not expect them but i think, in this case, there is something else going on here. Some hidden agenda or some hurt feelings or something that is causing the friend to withhold a gift. Either that or she has something planned and it isn’t ready, maybe? I do think it’s odd and rude.</p>
<p>With the new info, I agree with oregon101.</p>
<p>Some posters have mentioned regional differences with respect to things like graduation announcements. Where we live, they are not sent, so when I do get one from a far-flung friend or relative, I’m not sure what the expectation is: do I send a card and a gift, or just a card? I realize, though, that the OP and her friend live in the same community, so that is not her issue.</p>
<p>But another thing to consider is differing family traditions, which can vary from one household to the next. In our family, we are not big gift-givers. Most celebrations involve only the immediate family, with maybe dinner out, a few small but fun gifts, and cake (with candles and the singing of “Happy Birthday to you!” if the occasion is a birthday) and ice cream.</p>
<p>For relatives outside of my immediate family, most of them are on Facebook, and we do wish each other happy birthday there, and often also by email. </p>
<p>DH and I even had a very small wedding; only our parents were there. It was, however, a lovely wedding that we were very happy with.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if this makes us rude or boorish, but it doesn’t feel that way. </p>
<p>In any case, given our family traditions, it would actually make me a bit uncomfortable if someone gave our family expensive gifts, and I would not be sure how to respond. For example, if a friend gave my son a dorm refrigerator for graduation – well, I just would not know what to do for her son or daughter when they graduated, especially if I thought that they might hold it against me if I did not buy something comparable. So I could imagine having conversations with DH about how to respond, with DH saying “Oh, just send a nice card!” and my stressing out about the huge difference between a refrigerator and a card. I could see myself getting stuck on how to resolve this dilemma, with the unfortunate result that I end up sending nothing!</p>
<p>One thing that I am not clear on here is whether the friend asked the OP to help her daughter with the college application process, or whether the OP’s efforts were unsolicited. </p>
<p>Also, does the friend give graduation gifts to the children of other friends? If that were the case, the OP’s position would be a bit more understandable to me. But I have not read here that that is the case. (I realize, though, that the OP would probably have no way of knowing about that – which is actually how it should be.)</p>
<p>In any case, I am most in agreement with Cardinal Fang on this issue.</p>
<p>One thing I would like to add: I do have one relative outside of our immediate family who does sometimes send gifts, some of which are expensive. Although I of course express my heartfelt thanks, I never feel that she expects me to reciprocate in kind. </p>
<p>For one thing, I know that this relative is aware that our financial situation is not as good as hers. But more importantly, I know that she gives for the joy of giving and out of the kindness of her heart. This is even reflected in the gifts she sends. For example, when my mother passed away, this relative sent me a kitchen gadget which I would not buy for myself because of the cost, but which she knew I would use every single day. I think of her often when I use that gift. Although the flowers that other people sent to the funeral home were of course greatly appreciated, I was very touched by this particular non-traditional gift, because it showed that she was thinking of me and of what might brighten my days in a very real way.</p>
<p>In any case, I am completely certain that she would never, ever, keep a tally of gifts given and received. And I hope (and believe) that she knows how much I appreciate her gifts.</p>
<p>All I can say is - I spent the first 10 years of my married life stressing and comparing everything my IL’s did for my two SIL’s compared to what they did for H. Did they remember our anniversary - they remembered theirs! What did they spend on us for this and that? And then, when I got to the point of just letting it all go – I was so much happier in my life. They can all do what they like. I know what my parents are getting my kids for their hs graduation, since they’[re the type to ask and plan and make a fuss. I have no idea if my IL’s will give my kids a card with $10 or a check for $10,000 (seriously). But guess what? It’s not my problem, it’s not my concern, and it’s on them to do what they want to do, it’s all icing on the cake. It’s so much better to let it all go.</p>
<p>Around here grad announcements are only sent to family and VERY close family friends. We have family spread out all over the country that we don’t talk to very frequently, but who would definitely like to know that I was graduating from high school/college. In high school I only sent out about 25, because like others have said, it was somewhat guaranteed that I would graduate. Next year when I graduate from college, who knows? It will be up to mom and dad since they are paying for school.</p>
<p>I will also note that mom hounded me to send a thank-you card to EVERYONE who sent me a gift, no matter who it was. </p>
<p>As far as the reciprocating gift thing…that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I had a roommate last year who dragged out the “laundry list” of what she had done for me, and why hadn’t I done anything in return?</p>
<p>I feel like with friends, you don’t keep score. My good friends and I will randomly say “hey, I will buy Starbucks/frozen yogurt/whatever today”, with the knowledge that eventually it all evens out–if only because they’re there when you need them to be. We also understand that we’re all “starving students”, so we don’t always expect reciprocation. We treat/gift each other when we have the means to do so, but it’s not a necessity.</p>
<p>My kids graduated from different HSs, the oldest ones school did not even offer announcements. When we sent out announcements for youngest, per that school’s tradition, I was amazed how many more cards & gifts she received. We only sent to family and close friends, all of whom already should have known who was graduating when as we stay in touch. I was shocked at home many more sent checks with the announcement.</p>
<p>My SIL has only sent 1 check for 7 different graduations, I really evaluated whether she was setting a rule as to how she wanted us to respond (my kids are older) when hers hit those landmarks, was scatter-brained, did not want to gift my kids (the relationship had been strained back 20 years ago and I wondered if she held a little grudge afterall) etc. I finally decided that I WANTED those kids to recall us gifting them, regardless of how their parents did or did not gift my kids, so we do send them grad gifts.</p>
<p>A side bar:</p>
<p>I have done Christmas letters for years, for a combination of reasons, I did not dothe photo cards or letters last Christmas and I have had a dozen people mention not getting a card/photo/letter this year…they implied they missed them, though who know ;)</p>
<p>“I will also note that mom hounded me to send a thank-you card to EVERYONE who sent me a gift, no matter who it was.”</p>
<p>It sounds like you have a great mom, HisGraceFillsMe. If you learn the habit of promptly sending notes and showing gratitude to everyone who is thoughtful to you it will probably pay big dividends in the future, since it has become so rare.</p>
<p>An awful lot of people are very comfortable excusing their own behavior to those who extend gifts and courtesies to them by shrugging their shoulders and saying “I didn’t expect or ask for this so I have no obligation to reciprocate.” Sadly, there are many more takers in life than there are givers and they are usually masters at rationalizing their own self-centeredness.</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like your long-time friend is a confirmed “taker” and is very unlikely to change this late in life. You are going to have to decide if you can live with the status quo or if you need to withdraw. Since you already seem to be feeling like a “doormat”, it may be too painful to continue this relationship. I’m very sorry she’s treating you this way.</p>
<p>I agree with Joblue completely.</p>
<p>Is it possible that somewhere out there in the large world, there’s one person for whom you once did less than you should have (in her mind)? And today, you don’t even know you slighted her. </p>
<p>Or, did anyone ever surprise you with unexpected generosity towards your child? And if you search your mental files, you discover you never reciprocated in kind. </p>
<p>Either way, the karma of the world is balanced. If you can accept that, you can forgive your friend, in your own mind, without exchanging any further words or objects. Then you will be free to resume your friendship down the street. In other words, you can “let it go” if you so choose.</p>
<p>If you’re not hardwired that way, I’d say take her out to a meal to speak your mind why the current situation is interfering with your ability to continue the friendship. At that point, though, when she sends a gift after the luncheon, will you think it is sincere?</p>
<p>If she has really been a friend for 45 years - shouldn’t you be asking her the question - not a bunch of strangers who all have their own interpretation and customs? You obviously know her far better than any of us. Sometimes long standing friendships assume things. You assume she should have done something and she assumes you know why she didn’t or, or, or? Talk to her, let her know how you feel. ANY relationship that has lasted 45 years will last through this - even if you disagree and argue.</p>
<p>Gosh, lots of curmudgeons here (whatever happened to cur, by the way)…</p>
<p>I was raised by a mother who kept score, but who also insisted that we use a modicum of social grace and write thank you notes. I am fortunate in my life that I can generally give with joy and make it a policy to do so when I am notified of the happiness in people’s life. I like to receive a thank you note, because I live far from most people and am never quite sure what gets where. I also get a kick of out of reading what people say!</p>
<p>In this case, the lack of shared joy- whether evidenced by a card, gift or spontaneous articulation of excitement-- reflects a disappointing degree of lack of connectiveness in what the OP felt was a reciprocal relationship. At least I would feel disappointed!</p>
<p>I’m wondering if she didn’t send anything because she didn’t want to spend the same amount…dorm fridge…which I imagine was $100 or so. </p>
<p>Who handles the finances in the family? Who makes many of the financial decisions?</p>
<p>The fact that the family goes on expensive trips may not tell the whole story. I have a friend who goes on expensive trips and they own a lake home (for fishing) because her H insists on those things… However, those expenses cause such a cramp in the family budget that she has to scrimp everywhere else.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon is still alive…and posting in the pre-med section. His DD is now at Yale Med…awesome!</p>
<p>Regarding family rules; </p>
<p>I have often wondered at the observation that my husband makes a huge deal out of having my kids use the correct hands for knife and forkk at dinner, and nothing about thank you notes. </p>
<p>I make a huge deal about making the kids write thank yous, and Thank God I am left handed, so I can keep my fork in my left hand.</p>
<p>No one has said that it is ok to skip thank-you notes (or other expression of thanks) when someone has done something nice for you or given you something. That’s a whole different argument from whether one is “required” to send a gift and / or card upon receiving a graduation announcement.</p>