<p>I believe the OP has indicated that the friend has personally contacted her more than once to ask about the graduation–and possibly offer congratulations, I don’t recall. So acknowledgement has definitely been given. The only thing that has not been given is a gift. </p>
<p>Personally, I consider the gift of a dorm refrigerator somewhat ill-considered, because this is something that is normally worked out between room mates, and also rather over the top. It is hard to figure how the friend could reciprocate in a manner that the OP would consider sufficiently equal. Another fridge? What if it isn’t judged to be as good as the first one? The purchase price, adjusted for inflation? To do the OP justice, it seems that lack of reciprocity on many levels has been an issue in this relationship for a long time. Apparently the OP doesn’t consider contacting her and asking about the graduation to be “enough.” Many of us think of cards as something one sends to people to whom we cannot talk directly. The OP’s friend has done so. In what way is a card superior? </p>
<p>I have never in my life either given or received a graduation announcement. They strike me as tacky. YMMV.</p>
<p>I only addressed the thank you note issue because the poster I was responding to brought up that her mom was a stickler for her writing them.</p>
<p>In the OP’s situation I don’t think anyone said that her friend is “required” to produce a gift for her son. It’s just that when the OP has been generous with a gift for the friend’s son and with her time for the friend’s daughter, you would think that anyone who wasn’t fatally self-involved would WANT to recognize the graduation with a gift. This woman has been a “friend” for 45 years and lives down the street from the OP. She’s obviously known the son since birth, watched him grow up and most importantly, accepted many kind gestures (material and otherwise) from the OP. She doesn’t need to produce a gift on the same scale as the one her son received; she just needs to stop focusing on herself and her kids long enough to be a good friend.</p>
<p>Sadly, common decency is becoming pretty uncommon these days. People happily accept dinner and party invitations and never even think that maybe the people who have opened their homes to them might enjoy a gesture in return. It’s so easy to rationalize that “dinner parties aren’t our style” - fine then; how about a cookout in the back yard? You just don’t “do” parties? Then how about inviting friends out for pizza?</p>
<p>Bottom line, if you don’t ever want to do anything for anyone else you shouldn’t accept gifts or invitations from them. Otherwise, you are simply being thoughtless and the giver’s feelings will be justifiably hurt.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. But c’mon. I agree that reciprocity can be defined in many ways but let’s be real. If you are very good friends with someone and you give that person’s child a significant gift (whether it is ill-considered or not is not the issue) I think it is reasonable that you can expect at least a card addressed to your child in acknowledgement of the occasion. For her friend to neglect that is hurtful and rude. The phone call and text message were directed to the OP. When did she wish the graduate well?</p>
<p>I’m not saying that it needs to be a gift of equal value and I don’t think that the OP should obsess on this but it is understandable to me that she has hurt feelings over this and that doesn’t make her selfish, greedy or in need of “friendship” lessons.</p>
<p>Um, I did not say that the OP was selfish, greedy, or in need of friendship lessons.</p>
<p>We don’t know when or how she might have wished the graduate well. (We also don’t know what relationship she has with him.)</p>
<p>I have a now-former friend who was what one might call a “over-giver.” She constantly felt miffed that people didn’t reciprocate adequately. When her child had a playdate with a little girl she saw once while visiting me, she sent the girl a $60 Corolle doll. She would go to a potluck and take two WHOLE filets of beef, then comment on the cheapness of the other participants.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that the OP is like my former friend, but I do see some parallels. It sounds like her friend errs in the opposite direction. I think that she and her friend are definitely out of sync on this issue. She’s probably going to have to decide whether the friendship is worth just accepting that never the twain shall meet.</p>
<p>Consolation, I didn’t intend to imply that you said those things about the OP. I was referring to some of the general statements made by some of the posters. </p>
<p>My point is that, while the ideal is to be selfless, forgiving and accepting of our friends’ limitations, the reality is that most of us, IMO, would feel hurt by this situation and wonder what’s up.</p>
<p>I havent read the whole thread, so apologies if this is redundant, but when we sent HS graduation announcements we wanted to share our joy, but were afraid people would take it as a solicittion for a gift. So we didnt send out too many. And didnt expect anything in return.</p>
<p>Slight digression-- I had a situation recently where I was sending a gift to 2 siblings (relatives of mine) at the same home-- one for HS grad and one for college. I usually give more for college than HS but it felt awkward to do this, sending the cards to the same home. So I kinda split the difference and sent then each $75. Does this seem reasonable?</p>
<p>“I think as I have read all the replys I agree that I have to let it go or reevaluate my relationship with her. Oddly enough, we had a falling out about 3 years ago based on her always being the “taker” in the relationship and not ever offering to give.”</p>
<p>See, now that puts an entirely different spin on this situation. Your initial issue read at face value, it appeared that you were aggrieved merely because she didn’t send a gift or card, though you had done so. Upon further elaboration, this sounds like just the last straw in a long string of issues. The person who is always the giver eventually gets tired of it. When explained to the taker, they get angry, try to deny it, realize their jerkiness and change for a brief time. But then back to the old habits. It is hard to change people, especially after so many years.</p>
<p>I suggest that you do let it go. And let her go. Not with a bang, but with a silent lack of effort on your part to continue the friendship. Stop doing the nice, considerate things you do for her. Be friendly, but non-committal, distance yourself. Perhaps she’ll realize it on her own and try to be more considerate, but if she doesn’t, then stop investing your effort anymore if it is causing such frustration.</p>
<p>And I have experienced the same sort of thing with a multi-decade friendship, did what I recommended to you, and the friendship dwindled away. But I don’t feel badly about it, and I don’t feel taken advantage of anymore. There are plenty of other people to socialize with. Why do we always consider our oldest friends our best friends, even when they aren’t the people we would choose to hang out with now?</p>
<p>Update Everyone! After texting my friend last night and asking if she received a graduation announcement from my son, her reply was “Yes, thanks for thinking about us”. This evening I just received a text from her asking if I had any suggestions of what she might include in a graduation card for my son? So maybe by me asking if she received anything her conscience was pricked! But I have thoroughly enjoyed everyone’s responses and have learned much on this subject and in the future will consider these new viewpoints!</p>
<p>First, where I come from (West Coast) I never heard of people other than relatives giving gifts for high school graduation. I felt the high school graduation announcements seemed to be solicitations for gifts, so I didn’t send them for my D, not wanting to obligate people. I am not a "gifter’, so I think sometimes this whole gifting/carding/thank you noting gets out of hand. If it is done sincerely with a spirit of generosity, that is fine. But some people (I should say women because they are almost always women) take gifting and carding to a level where I don’t know how to reciprocate. I mean like Halloween! And then all the hurt feelings! I didn’t thank so and so for the little Halloween gift bag that I didn’t really even want (I’m 55). I prefer to just keep gifs and cards to birthdays and Christmas with very close relatives and friends. Too much drama.</p>
<p>Or maybe she has alot going on, and your son’s graduation gift/card wasn’t at the top of her list of things to worry about at the moment but she would eventually have gotten to it. </p>
<p>Friends give friends the benefit of the doubt. :)</p>
<p>That’s a crock! True friends are immediately right on sending a congratulations or a gift. The quicker a response is a tool of respect and love that is very honoring. The OP sounds like a sweetheart who has honored her friend’s son and daughter. If we were living in 1950 we would feel ashamed to not respond by honoring their son! For the most part, our society, once again, is full of self and they are devoid of proper etiquette. A simple note of encouragement and blessing is little to ask of anyone. Come on, why is it so difficult to simply cheerlead others’ kids and to give a parent a moment of time in which they can feel proud of themselves and their kid. You are missing out on the joy of celebrating your friends joy. This is a huge milestone and a right of passage that should be treasured. Our culture is losing it’s soul that once they had too many years ago. The OP is right to feel very slighted.</p>
<p>Heaven help those of us who remember the occasion, but aren’t organized enough to get the card/gift, etc. That would be me raising my hand. I also hate giving cash/gift cards, so that also bogs down the process for me.</p>
<p>We only sent announcements to grandparents and my H’s brother. Did not want my sibs, who are not financially secure, to feel obligated (and they would). </p>
<p>My niece graduated last June and I still haven’t gotten her a gift. OTOH, she has been at Army basic and advanced training, and will not be starting college (ROTC) til this fall. Made more sense to wait and see what she’d need for college, depending whether she was living at home or in a dorm.</p>
<p>My kids were really good about thank you notes for Bar Mitzvah and graduation.</p>
<p>jmmom - if you are, I’m right there with ya.</p>
<p>I guess TrueLove did not read my post and the tragedies we experienced two days before and a week after a graduation party we were to attend. No true friend would have expected me to set aside the pain and suffering we were going through just so their kid could get a present at his party instead of a few weeks later.</p>
<p>Since the issue of thank you notes has come up, I will say there was one time when I totally gave myself permission not to send any. When D1 was 16 months old, we spent Christmas in Texas with my parents and returned home the first week in January. When we arrived at the Milwaukee airport late that night, it had been so cold that our car didn’t start (and we still had an hour drive to Madison) and could not be jumped with another regular car. No place was open to tow the car to, and we knew no one in Milwaukee to call, so we were resigned to spend the night in the airport, which we didn’t want to do because I had my second OB/GYN appt. the next morning at 8:30 as I was 14 weeks pregnant. Eventually parking security was able to locate a tow truck that was able to jump start our car, and I think we made it home around 2AM.</p>
<p>Went to the doctor’s appt. the next morning and found out there was no heartbeat (not good at 14 weeks). The doctor was not 100% convinced that I had my due date right, and wanted to wait a week to do another ultrasound and make sure he hadn’t been overestimating how far along I was. In the meantime, I continued to have morning sickness and went into an appropriate state of grieving. Had the ultrasound a week later and then had a D&C two days later. It was heart-wrenching. All I kept hearing in the back of my head was my mom’s insistence that I always send thank you notes, but frankly, I didn’t feel very grateful for anything at that time (and for a few weeks afterward). Since it was D1’s first Christmas as a toddler, she’d gotten quite a few small gifts from friends of my mom. I just could not sit down and write thank you notes with this horrible news I’d just been given. So I gave myself permission to let go of the guilt for not doing so. At that point, I didn’t really give a hoot what anyone thought of me for not sending a note. </p>
<p>I guess that’s why I don’t necessarily assume the worse when I don’t receive a thank-you note from others. However, I do appreciate any sort of gesture that lets me know they actually received the gift, even if it’s a FB message that says ‘Your package came in the mail today.’ All I need to know is if they received it, and if I give it to them personally, then I already know that. </p>
<p>After a particularly difficult situation almost a year and a half ago with a niece who never responded to a very generous wedding gift I sent, I have now made it my policy to send all gifts via registered mail, or return receipt requested. That way, I will know if it has been received and not worry.</p>
<p>I’ve got the same situation coming up in a couple of weeks, except we’re going to the joint graduation party. I, too, generally give more for college graduation, but I don’t want the younger one to feel slighted!</p>
<p>I don’t think you would question a 45 year friendship over a card. It does sound like it’s really not about the card at all but something much more important and ongoing between you (and this is just a small symptom of the bigger issue). It seems to be ‘what it represents’. It sounds like the graduation response will resolve itself but maybe this would be a good time to revisit this bigger issue (which surely will come back in another way later on).</p>
<p>Maybe it would be helpful to see if there is a way for you to say no more often so you don’t feel like a doormat down the road (she can ask, but you can also say no). Give because you enjoy it, but come to truly accept it may not be returned/won’t be returned. And/or maybe explore or come to appreciate ways in which you value her as a friend, even if she’s not great at ‘giving’ or ‘helping’ explicitly in a way that makes you feel like a cherished friend (which is different for everybody). Maybe she’s just nice company, or she listens to problems well, or she makes you laugh or understands you, even if she isn’t great on the ‘doing front’ or great at making you feel like a valued friend in a way you want/need. If you come to really know and accept this negative part of her, you might be able to keep what must be a valuable relationship (after all these years, wow!) without being repeatedly hurt. Sort of like keeping a husband even if he repeatedly fails to remember your birthday or valentines day. Everyone has flaws, some bigger than others, and you are very lucky to have a close friend for over four decades.</p>
<p>I’m really confused trying to figure out what in heck the graduation announcement per se has to do with OP’s problem. The friend must have known perfectly well that OP’s kid was graduating and certainly didn’t need to receive a notification in the mail. (I find it very odd to send announcements to people who are well aware that a child will be finishing high school and can’t see it as anything other than a pushy reminder to send a gift for a very ho-hum event–but that’s me). It seems to me that OP’s real issue is that her friend’s failure to acknowledge the kid’s graduation reflects a deeper problem with the relationship–some have commented on this and given good advice. But all the discussion of announcements is irrelevant.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s at all “a crock” that friends give friends the benefit of the doubt. I guess I’m lucky that my friends don’t think the speed with which I acknowledge their events is a measure of the respect I feel for them. What’s the old saying - “Only a fool takes offense when none is intended”? This friendship seems to have been unequal for some time in the OP’s mind, and so I think it would be best, as others have said, to let this situation go and re-evaluate what she is getting from the relationship, and whether she wants to continue it.</p>
<p>Great post #98, starbright! In fact, lots of wisdom on this thread.</p>