<p>Two weeks ago, my recently graduated child was on top of the world. She was engaged, graduated with four job offers. She was busy getting settled into her new job and setting up an apartment. Last week her fiance disappeared for five days - no phone calls, no emails, nothing. I, perhaps wrongly, suggested she wait for him to contact her, but he did not. She finally confronted him on the fifth day and he said it was over and walked out on her. She is devastated. He won’t even talk about why he wants out of the committment. I don’t even know what advice to give her. She wants to talk with him and try to work it out. I’m not sure that is even possible after the way he handled it. They have been together for four years and he never did anything like this before. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>I’d suggest you just be supportive of your D but stay out of it & let her handle it in the best way she can. It could just be that fiance got cold feet for whatever reason or it could be permanent. In any case, it is really something she needs to figure out how to work out with this man, so she can grow and figure out what HER next steps are.</p>
<p>Whatever you do, do NOT say anything bad about him, as it may be that they patch things up and it will be held against you. Hang in there and just be supportive–maybe send D a care package with some comfort things–favorite music, loved things from home, something silly, etc. Listen, listen and listen.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>imo it may a long time, but eventually she’ll see how lucky she was. A guy that would treat her this way, and hide out like a child hiding under his bed, is certainly not marriage material, or at least, not at this time.
Her going to him to work it out, would be like telling him he can treat her any way he wants and she’ll just take it. I hope she’ll be a strong independent young woman.
Pick a man because she wants a man, not because she needs a man. And pick a man that will treat her as nicely as she deserves.</p>
<p>I am with younghoss on this. Even if your daughter had done something unthinkable, this young man’s behavior is not what I would want in a husband for my daughter. I don’t think there is anything we could do to mend our kid’s broken heart, except to listen.</p>
<p>I am sorry your daughter is going through this.</p>
<p>Be there for your daughter, be supportive. She will probably not be able to view it this way right now, but she could be very lucky this happened now rather than later, if this is truly not to be.</p>
<p>upside – how heartbreaking – I’m sure your D is a wonderful person, but just like you never really know what goes on in someone else’s marriage, you may not know the full story of their relationship and the emotional dynamic. For him to bolt so suddenly tells me that something was said or done that touched a nerve and he is unable or unwilling to discuss his feelings and bring the relationship back to where it was, which is a bad sign on his part. D may not have consciously said or done anything – he just perceived some Big Issue that made him flee with no thought of the impact on her. Again – this isn’t making him look too good here. I think she is well rid of him. How to explain the four good years? Who knows? If she wants to, suggest she see a therapist just to talk through the shock of it. Something’s fishy here and she can find a much better smelling fish.</p>
<p>The only thing I would do, if she didn’t have a good friend close by, is to make a trip to see her. When D1 had few breakups in college, her best friends stayed with her until she got her head together. There is a better support network in college, but once out of school, especially if she is living in a new city, she may feel very alone.</p>
<p>I don’t think you were wrong to tell her to wait for him to contact her, the outcome would have been the same whether she waited a day or 5.</p>
<p>This sort of thing happened to someone I knew, except it was a husband, not a fiance. He went missing for 5 days and came back wanting a divorce. They reconciled, but it ended in divorce anyway. Something was irretrievably broken. Agree that you be there for support and to help her move on when the time comes.</p>
<p>Solid advice from old fort. She shouldn’t be alone. If she doesn’t have a roommate or close friends nearby I would make the trip to go see her, assuming that she wants that.</p>
<p>The disappearance could be a person legitimately struggling with a life-changing decision, but the refusal to talk about it doesn’t bode well for any long term relationship between them, IMHO. He could have acknowledged to himself that he is gay, he could have realized that he just isn’t ready, he could have met someone else that precipitated either realization, or, as oldfort said, your D could have done something awful (I doubt it!). But a young man who cannot TALK about such important matters with a woman with whom he was that close is NOT mature enough to marry anyone, to say the least.</p>
<p>It must be agonizing and humiliating for her to have this bomb dropped on her without the means to understand. But better now than 5 years from now, after a wedding and possibly a child. At least she has a new job to distract her, into which she can throw herself. (That’s easy for me to say, of course. 
) I think that all you can do right now is be a supportive shoulder and ear. HImom’s advice is good, IMHO. I also agree that a visit might be appropriate, if she is lonely.</p>
<p>Things happen for a reason and in this case although I’m sure your D is devastated I’m a firm believer that so much change occurs between the end of college and establishment as an adult that in the long run it will be OK. Clearly the young man was struggling and things were moving too fast for him. He probably pulled back to give himself some space to think. By the fact he walked when she confronted him tells you he isn’t ready for marriage. He may be able to talk about it sometime in the future or they can reach a compromise and slow things down. I’ve always believed males aren’t fully formed with a life vision until their late twenties.</p>
<p>My 22 year old male has matured alot since 17, but no way is his head in a place to even think about marriage and if I thought he even had an inkling of that I’d be doing everything in my power to slow the situation down for a few years.</p>
<p>Finally there is absolutely nothing wrong with long engagements. Mine lasted almost three years I just wanted to make absolutely sure I was ready for what for me was going to be a lifetime commitment. So if they do reach a compromise and continue the relationship marriage should be back burnered for awhile if he’s thinking twice. They just came out of the college bubble and living on their own and getting their careers launched as individuals is also important. Alot of growth occurs in the next couple years. Be supportive, if she doesn’t have close friends I agree a visit might be in order but don’t bad mouth the young man as you have no idea what the future holds.</p>
<p>Lot of good advice here!</p>
<p>I heard of this recently with a friend’s daughter, and something like it happened to me 25 years ago - long-term college boyfriends suddenly dropping out of relationships, not ready to commit to marriage, but also wanting to get away and be “free”. It is devastating at the time. I would advise her not to pursue him, and to proceed cautiously if he has a change of heart. Good luck to you - it is hard when our children are hurting like this.</p>
<p>As others have said, be there to listen and support and unconditionally love her. She probably doesn’t know what to do with all the anger, disappointment, embarrassment, confusion and all other feelings. I would also offer to pay for a therapist if she felt it would be helpful.</p>
<p>One word of caution as well, do not put down said young man. If he is truly going through something horrible and she later forgives him, she will not remember your support as much as your criticism. Emphasize her new future, her loving friends and family and her obvious wonderful qualities. I would stay silent on him except to nod my head and support her decisions.</p>
<p>Just adding my support to great advice already offered.
- Ask if she’d like you to visit. If she was not about to start a new job, I’d have her join you for a weekend vacation. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Your dtr had 4 good job offers and is moving forward. I don’t know if her fiance was in such a stable place. Its easy to ignore red flags when you are in love. Perhaps, 6 months from now, she’ll be dating someone from new office and realize that she dodged a bullet.</p></li>
<li><p>I suspect your DD wants your support; she’s probably not looking for advice.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I’m no expert but always felt to me like women mostly see marriage as the beginning of something and men mostly think of it as the end of something…not as a negative but just as a perspective. My guess is the young man simply realized there were things he wanted to do that he had not yet done and perhaps thought it wouldn’t happen if he made the choice to marry now.</p>
<p>It seems to me the good things may have precipitated his leaving. Your daughter became an adult in a few short weeks – graduating, getting a job, setting up a real apartment – and it’s possible that he suddenly realized this was for real, that they weren’t kids anymore and marriage was a real adult looming responsibility. While they were in school, it may be seemed like a “someday” thing. He may have just bolted because he’s not ready to be a real adult or to make that kind of commitment. It’s devastating, but if that’s the case, it’s better he realize it now than after taking vows. It’s a shame that he can’t or won’t articulate his reasons. I think you have to just listen, be a shoulder to cry on and support her.</p>
<p>My oldest D got engaged to college BF during their Sr year. Wedding planned for the following year.</p>
<p>The next winter, I went to where she lived & we went out and bought the gown (found it in one day, tada!). Then time passed–nothing happening about fabric for the MOB & BM’s clothes (were going to have a seamstress make). I began to make some noises (“It’s not fair to the seamstress to run in to her late you know…”)</p>
<p>So one Wed evening I come home from Youngest D’s dance class, and H says as I walk in, “Call your daughter ( funny, I think I remember him having something to do with that conception); the wedding is off.”</p>
<p>Fortunately for D at any rate, she is the one who did the calling off. I have to say, I had been having funny feelings — and she asked me to go to her for the following weekend, and I did.</p>
<p>We spent it doing Mom & D stuff – out for ice cream, etc—and we did talk. She had realized he was not the right guy for her, that was all. But she had realized it earlier & been carrying on so as not to disappoint us or hurt him, & money had been spent and all that. She had thought she should be feeling happier about getting married & instead she was feeling worse & worse. </p>
<p>The weekend we had been buying the dress, I gave her permisssion–because I had sensed something was not right. I said—if either of you is not ready yet, or feels funny about being married, either at all or to each other, don’t let a silly thing like money make you do the wrong thing. It costs a lot more to undo having married the wrong person, than having spent a bit here & there on a dress or a reception deposit (which we got back anyway, as they quickly rebooked the hall). Your (& his) happiness and having married the right guy at the right time, matter way way more to Dad & me than anything else, especially more than some bucks. </p>
<p>And the same is true for (B), I want him to be happy & know he has made the right choice; I’d rather you two put it off & figured things out than married before you should, or at all, for his sake as much as for yours. </p>
<p>So, I am awfully glad I said that!</p>
<p>I offered to bring the dress home with me & put it away so she would not be looking at the great big white thing sticking out of her closet. And, two years later she wore it at her wedding to a (different) wonderful man. She had felt funny about that, because it had been bought for the other wedding, but we said, it is Your dress, not B’s. It was bought to wear at your wedding, no matter who you are marrying. Then she felt better–and besides, she did not want to have to shop for another one! (What a pain)</p>
<p>You should go to her with flowers & chocolates, and take her out to Mom & D places for a girls’ weekend. Not to have a fun time but to give love & support. </p>
<p>I am with the others – 22 is too young to be making that decision & maybe he has realized it & just does not know how to say it the right way. But running off & refusing to talk at all with his intended is not a Good Sign. It sounds like he has some serious maturing to do before he is ready for marriage, whether to her or anyone else. </p>
<p>Whatever is going on, what she needs right now is you with your shoulder & non judgmental hugs. Do your Mommy job & go to her!</p>
<p>Great advice being given by the commenters. </p>
<p>From the fiance’s actions, he’s far too immature and unready to be married at this time. Unfortunately, his actions are familiar as I observed similar behaviors among some classmates and even an older relative. Different people mature at wildly varying rates. </p>
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<p>That is a common perception of many men. There’s a reason why many male supervisors and colleagues have half-jokingly advised the never married men…including myself to “never get married” and that “marriage is a prison”. </p>
<p>This isn’t helped by many proclaimed “horror stories” where married/recently divorced men complained about having to hide their hobby purchases even when family finances are ample enough to allow for them. Was really pathetic to read about married/formerly married men…even ones in their 50’s and 60’s recounting how they had to sneak their electric guitars or computers home so their wives won’t berate them for their hobby purchases while pointing out the equally expensive hobby purchases of their spouses(i.e. Shoes, purses, etc) were verboten. </p>
<p>This was reinforced in pop culture as illustrated when a friend’s fiance jokingly gave him a shirt with a “Game Over” sign over a smiling bride and grimacing groom. Fortunately, my friend is mature enough to take that as a joke.</p>
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<p>I always remember Ms. Manners advice to a forlorn male who wondered why a woman, with whom he thought he was developing a relationship, suddenly seemed to be too busy to see him. He thought he deserved an explanation. Ms Manners answer (somewhat paraphrased): “Well, lets see…what could the reasons be? It seems that she would rather do something, maybe anything, other than see you. It’s highly unlikely that she is doing this for a noble reason, and any reason she gives you will not make you feel better about the situation.” </p>
<p>She should let it go.</p>