Advice on cutting off relationship with son's friend's parent

Parent Cafe
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<p>Need some advice here, guys. Not being a ■■■■■, so please don’t attack me. Seriously don’t know how to handle this situation. I was raised to be nice to people, but I am a little tired of being taken advantage of by a parent of my son’s best friend. The two have known each other since they were seven, have attended school together since fifth grade, and now even room next door to each other in college. Coincidentally.</p>

<p>My son chose his college not only because of the amazing scholarship offer he got, but because he was admitted into a wonderful honors program there and he felt the school was a better fit for him than others that offered similar scholarship packages. His friend’s mother was quite obvious in her dismay that my son chose to attend the same school as her son, and was adamant that they not room together. Imagine her displeasure when they coincidentally wound up next door neighbors. </p>

<p>As the year has progressed, she has had limited contact with me, usually when she needs help. For example, if she can’t get ahold of her son, she has had me call my son who then has to knock on his friend’s door next door to call his mother. She dropped a hint about perhaps getting a storage unit this summer for her son’s college things, and I am worried that she will ask us to share the unit. This will no doubt involve my husband and I transporting her son’s things to the unit, as they usually have him bum a ride home on breaks and will no doubt never set foot on campus again until graduation. </p>

<p>I know I may be preliving the crisis, but how should I handle the request, should it come, to share a storage unit? </p>

<p>And beyond the storage unit issue, how do I “divorce” myself from a “forced friendship” with her? I don’t want to prevent the friend from visiting on breaks, which he still does, but I really don’t want to have any contact with the mother anymore. She has hurt me very much in her treatment of me, and I am really tired of being used by her. </p>

<p>I don’t want to say anything rude to her because I don’t want to strain our sons’ relationship. They are both only children and are like brothers. The son is unfortunately about as rude as the mother. Never a thank you, or a yes, ma’am from him. The father is a dear, dear man who looks so beat down, I don’t think he’ll live much longer. And he is so kind, I would not want to do anything to hurt him, either. </p>

<p>Any advice would be appreciated. Forgive me if I’m not expressing myself accurately. I’m trying not to be too rambling and/or specific, but I would like to get out of this situation now, rather than wait three more years for the boys to graduate and hopefully go their separate ways.</p>

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<p>Next time she calls you for a favor that relates to the boys, give her you son’s number. Don’t offer anything beyond that. She can call your son as well as you. When I want to get hold of my son, I often call his best friend but would never think of bothering his mom. If that’s all she gets from you, she’ll stop calling. Let the boys work out the storage unit situation and the transportation of things.</p>

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<p>Two part answer. You’re really not going to be able to divorce yourself from the mom and you’re not going to get her to be polite, either. Just be polite, busy, and distant. “A shared storage unit? Oh, I don’t think so.” “No, I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” “No, sorry, I’m busy.”</p>

<p>As for the son, if he’s that close to your son, it’s time you took him in hand a bit. Explain that he needs to be more polite and more helpful, that it will help him in the future. Be the mom you’d want him to have, if life were perfect. Set an example. But you will have to talk to him. Many (most?) 18 year olds are pretty thoughtless, but it’s an easy time (IMHO) to tell them they’re wrong.</p>

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<p>You have caller ID, right? Just be out when she calls you. As for the phone calls to check on her son, if you must answer them, I would suggest telling her that you are limiting calls to your son in hopes that he become more independent and you don’t think being at one another’s beck and call is promoting self sufficiency. Storage unit? Are you planning to do this? Just make arrangements before she calls you, and when/if she does, be honest–so sorry, we’ve already made arrangements, thanks but no thanks.</p>

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<p>How to handle the mother’s request about the storage unit: “Oh, I’m sorry, but that won’t work for us.”</p>

<p>How to handle the mother when she can’t get hold of her son: “I’m sorry, but I can’t bother my son. Perhaps you should contact the RA?”</p>

<p>DO NOT under any circumstances give the mother your son’s phone number - he will never hear the end of her.</p>

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<p>Montegut, I’m sorry you’ve been put in the middle. It’s rude of another parent to call and ask you to call your son to knock on her son’s door unless it’s an absolute emergency. I have personally witnessed my nephews ignore their mother’s telephone calls because she calls several times a day and drives them crazy. Perhaps that is why this woman’s son doesn’t always answer. I believe I would tell her (if that happens again) that you are not comfortable asking your son to be the messenger. Whether or not her son answers his phone and/or returns his mother’s calls is between the boy and his mother and shouldn’t involve you and your son. If you have caller ID, you could ignore her calls. If she leaves a message, you can return the call when is convenient for you … maybe it takes a day or two :slight_smile: .</p>

<p>Do you plan to have your son use a storage unit during the summer? We did this when our DD was in school and it sure was helpful. DD and three friends rented a unit together and it was very reasonable. It saved DH and me a 13 hour trip (there and back) since we didn’t have to help her move everything back home each year. If your son rents a unit, can’t he and his friends move his things to the unit without your involvement? Does your son have a car there or does the friend bum a ride home with you when you bring son home? DD had a friend that used to bum a ride with her, too (on the rare occasion that DD got to come home) and it always bothered me that the other girl never even offered gas money for a 6 1/2 hour trip. Another time, my FIL took his plane to pick up DD and let her friend fly home, too, without so much as a thank-you from the mother. Sadly, there are users out there. </p>

<p>Congratulations to your son on his academic talents and scholarship. I know you must be proud. Your son is an adult now, in college, and I think it’s perfectly fine for him to maintain a friendship with this boy without you having a relationship with his mother. Good luck!</p>

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<p>It sounds like the only connection you have to this woman is through the boys. (i.e., not neighbors, coworkers, or members of the same house of worship) If that’s true, then I agree with dmd77: learn to say no. </p>

<p>As for being the “call your mom” messenger, let her know that you “can’t reach your S right now” so she’d have more success communicating with her own son via text. Phone calls are considered a chore by most adolescents; no wonder he doesn’t reply.</p>

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<p>I would highly recommend that you do NOT give this woman your son’s telephone number. If she happens to acquire it some how, I would advise son to block it. Unless it was an absolute emergency, I wouldn’t dream of calling my DD’s friends if I couldn’t reach her. If I leave a message, she’ll call me back.</p>

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<p>This is all about the short word “No.” </p>

<p>There are thousands of civil ways to decline requests that don’t work for you. There have been several suggestions above.</p>

<p>Don’t answer the phone. </p>

<p>If you do answer the phone, and a request is an imposition… you don’t have to educate the other mom about how imposing she is… You just have to decline her request in a civil, non-commital, no-further-explanation-needed manner.</p>

<p>“No, we’re not interested in a shared storage unit” with an optional “but thanks for asking.” “No, we’re limiting our phone calls to our son so I don’t want to bother him with this.” </p>

<p>A certain number of times when you don’t comply with her requests and she is likely to stop making them. If she doesn’t stop making them, just “play your tape”: "No, we’re…</p>

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<p>OK, maybe giving her the son’s number was not good advice. But, my point was to get out of being the go-between. My kid’s friend’s numbers that I have were personally requested by me and I asked permission to call if needed. I think of best friends as similar to boyfriends or girlfriends. I have no need to deal with the parents, but my son or daughter need to. It’s the price of friendship.</p>

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<p>How about this for the phone call situation, “Oh, your son isn’t returning your calls? I’d be happy to mention it to my son the next time I talk to him, and I’m sure he’ll say something to your son about it. If there’s an emergency, perhaps you should call the campus police–here’s their number.”</p>

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<p>My very favorite reply that I don’t get to use often is, “I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me”. Most people wouldn’t question beyond that but, one time, someone said to me, “Why doesn’t that work for you?” and I replied with something I had read in Ann Lander’s advice column years ago, “I’ll forgive you for asking if you’ll forgive me for not answering.” Only in the past five years or so have I really started saying what’s on my mind. I’ve always been so concerned with hurting other people’s feelings that I allowed myself to be used repeatedly. NO MORE!</p>

<p>Edit: Chedva, I see you use that “I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me” reply, too. I love it!</p>

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<p>I share your sentiments. Unless it’s a dire emergency, I can wait for her to return my call.</p>

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<p>When faced with a user, it is sometimes hard to do what is best for your kid. If your s likes being around the boy, it makes such a big difference. I had some tough times in the past driving a disabled husband who could not drive, as well as two kids in different high schools. My d got a confused look when she offered “gas money” as her friends did not buy their own gas, however, the boys at my s’s school practically fought over who got to drive my s to school. I paid a senior $20/wk or ($10/wk for one-way). I was always thrilled to pay for gas as I would have been in the rush hour on the return trip and in the car for almost an hour. Occassionally, when he got a ride home for a different person, I would run out to the driveway with a couple of bucks. It doesn’t sound like much but often the kids would then offer him rides when various practices ran long. </p>

<p>If your son wants to offer him a ride, you might say something like," Oh great, he would love to have some extra gas money!" The user may try to get you to take things there and back so you need an answer ready such as " Oh, our car is going to packed to the top!" It probably will be. She also may try to get you to take her kid out for dinner on Parents’ Weekend. If she tries to go with you, another tip is stop at a relative’s or friend’s house on the way to the school.</p>

<p>If you feel like you must return her calls (and it sounds like you must), don’t do it in a timely fashion and it may help wean her off. Call back later when you feel like it. Also, consider if there is something you need done that perhaps she could do. For instance if she asked you to pick up her kid, maybe you could suggest that she could pick them up at a time convenient for you if that is something that you might like. </p>

<p>Sharing a storage unit might be difficult as she might want you to move all of her son’s stuff out of the dorm and in to the unit. </p>

<p>I really sympathize with you as I was in a middle school carpool with a similar person. Everyone else in the carpool wanted her out as she constantly came up with excuses not to drive on her days and was not available if anyone else had a conflict. The next year the carpool just broke up. Good Luck!</p>

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<p>Ok, so I used to be a huge people pleaser and the result was a huge weight of unhappiness that was sitting on my shoulders. I have really been telling it like it is lately, and it feels good, but sometimes I am sure I come across as completely bit*chy, so I do try to rein it in a bit. (sometimes…lol) The parent association of my d’s EC is a prime example. These people are truly nuts and the subject of the song “High School Never Ends.” My d is pretty popular with her group of friends and the women of this PA are just completely rude to her because I refuse to be clicky with them. I refuse to “drink the kool-aid” they are serving. I simply don’t believe in slamming other parents behind their backs, and that is their MO. So with that said, in regard to the Mom in this story, you just have to stand firm. Learn to say “no”. If she asks about the storage unit, close the door without an opening. ** “It is so nice that you thought of us, but we have already committed to storage arrangements.” ** Your commitment could be with just yourself or with another family, but a commitment is a commitment.</p>

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<p>I prefer the straighforward approach - </p>

<p>“No - I’m not going to ask my son to go interrupt your son unless it’s an emergency. Just leave your son a voice mail and he can return your call when he’s available.”</p>

<p>“No - we don’t plan on getting (or replace ‘getting’ with ‘sharing’ - whatever’s the situation) a storage unit this summer.”</p>

<p>If she hears ‘no’ often enough maybe she’ll get the hint. If she gets irritated that you won’t say yes to all of her requests - who cares?</p>

<p>On the rides - if it were me I’d go ahead and continue to give the friend rides as long as it’s not out of your way and were planning the drive anyway. It’s not much bother to you and helps out your S’s friend. It’d be nice if they offered to pay for some of the gas but I wouldn’t let that stop me from offering the ride if they didn’t. There’s really not much in the way of an additional expense for a 3rd rider anyway and helps out this friend who already has to tolerate the ways of his mother more than you do.</p>

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<p>Oh montegut-- so sorry you are dealing with this. From my s’s experience with summer storage ( IIRC, our kids are at the same school) one year he had a friend who lived nearby offer to store some of his things at their house (granted this was not everything), so he didn’t use a storage unit that year. He as able to fit most of the remaining stuff in our minivan (7 1/2 hr drive each way). If you are driving to campus to get him, you might consider using a minivan and bringing yoru s’s stuff home and let this lady know, if she calls, that you havent finalized your plans but they dont likely involve a storage unit so she should encourage her son to look into other opportunities and not to count on you.</p>

<p>If I were you, if your son wants to use a storage unit- I’d encourage you to stay out of it and let your son to make his own arrangements with whomever he wants to share a storage unit with (which might, however, include this kid). If the lady calls, you simply tell her “I am not involved in those plans- my sone is handling his own arrangements. I am sure your son will make his own arrangements too”.</p>

<p>As for the phone thing-- NO WAY would I have your son be her messenger boy. She can text her son if he doenst answer his phone. Sounds like there is a reason he doesnt answer!!! Smart kid. So if you happen to accidentally answer one of her calls (I recommend you use the same policy her son is and put her on ignore) politely remind her that most kids respond to texts and emails. My s will answer his phone, but never checks his voicemail. Never. Ever. Sigh. But he will text. If her kid doesnt have testing on his phone, tell her to email him. I agree-- DO NOT give this lady your s’s phone #. </p>

<p>Good luck!!</p>

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<p>This is the approach I’d suggest to everything that involves a parent trying to “help” by going to someone other than their own child with suggestions. I have a rule to never give anyone my S or wife’s cell number.</p>

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<p>I am going to go a different way then most posters. Give up trying to cut this woman out your life completely. Think of her more as your son’s in-laws. Someone you have to have cordial relations with, but you don’t have to be best friends. Remember, if your sons really are best friends, they will be around for a long time. You may have to go to his wedding, they will come to your son’s, etc,etc,etc. My advice on the two current issues: On the phone call, I’d just say something like “I can never get a hold of Son either. Sorry 'out that” I wouldn’t give her my son’s number, but there is a good chance she already has it. On the storage space, I would leave it up to son. He may be fine with sharing space with his best friend. By the way, I told both my kids that summer storage is THEIR call. They get to find it, rent it, haul all their stuff to it before I show up to pack them into the car and drive them home. If you take this tack, I expect your kid will make his friend kick in his fair share of rent and hauling. As far as giving the kid I ride home, I expect you’ve been doing it for ten years or more by now, so why stop now? It might cut ties with his parents, but it will confuse the heck out both the kid and your own son.</p>

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<p>lololu gave great advice! You can choose to give the boy a ride because you are kind and generous. If the mom does not appreciate it…her problem. I’d have no problem prompting the kid if he needed to show some manners.</p>

<p>Let her go. Be polite and keep your distance.</p>