Advice on how much to tell kids about bad medical situation (kinda personal)

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi All
OK I need some advice here. I was very recently diagnosed w/ breast cancer. While this sort of thing takes the wind out of my sails, I am afraid that it is much tougher for my girls who are far away from home.</p>

<p>I am kind of out of my depth here…How much information should I give them? So far all I have told them is that I have a tumor that is BC and it needs to come out. </p>

<p>Since then I have found out that I have a second tumor and will likely need chemo and radiation and major surgery. It’s not a terminal prognosis it is however pretty serious.</p>

<p>My youngest who is a soph at Bama is a tough one. She will not open up to others and prefers to sort of just put her head down and plow thru…avoidance is sort of her mantra. But then she will break down at odd moments or not go to class or study. I asked her if she told the director of her program about it when they met last week and she did not. My concern is what if they need to fly home? Or if her grades really start to sink? (trust me I am ‘what ifing’ myself to insanity right now)</p>

<p>Do I give her this bad info? Do I wait until after surgery and lay out the whole plan or do I just gently white wash it until they get home for Christmas? I don’t want to cause such a distration that she cannot study or enjoy school…but I don’t want her to be shocked when she comes home either. Walkin a tightrope here…</p>

<p>One last question…should I tell the director of the program about this? I am so not a helicopter mom, but I don’t think that this qualifies does it?</p>

<p>Anyone have any good advice? I am looking for any insights anyone may have on how to handle this gracefully with D. Prayers and good thoughts will be gratefully accepted too… </p>

<p>I hope that I have not over shared or stepped over any boundries.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry to hear this. I don’t have any specific info about BC but wonder when your surgeries are scheduled for and what, if any, other treatments will happen between now and the end of the year/when the kids come home for the holidays. </p>

<p>I would think one important consideration is if you have a husband or family member or friend who they know and trust to be there for you when they cannot. I would imagine knowing that would be a relief.</p>

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<p>Meeting with my whole team (surgeon, radiologist, oncologist, onc nurse, etc etc) on Thursday afternoon. Surgery will be scheduled ASAP…could be as soon as next week.</p>

<p>Chemo and or radiation will start 2 to 3 weeks after surgery. So I will be in the thick of it before Christmas and will probably look a fright. Or more frightful than normal lol</p>

<p>Luckily, I have a VERY strong social network. My group of friends has rallied around me and are there when I need them. Hubby is also a huge help. I am not worried about me honestly…really worried about how the kids will handle. I also have a son, but he is home and does know what is going on but he is 23 and pretty astute.</p>

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<p>First let me say that I am very sorry you are dealing with such a tough situation. If it were me, I would be transparent with kids this age. Tell them everything you know. Knowledge is power. THEN tell them that the best thing they can do for you is to stay the course. Explain that you have enough to worry about so if they really want to help then they need to continue doing well in school. Tell them that you will never lie to them or keep ant info from them so they don’t have any reason to sit around and fret.</p>

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<p>Share away and dont worry about boundries, this board is all about help and support.</p>

<p>This is definately not my area of expertise but I think you do need to tell your daughter. This is not something that needs to be kept to yourself. Will she be shocked and worried?? Yes, but that is to be expected.</p>

<p>The one thing that you do know is that there are many of us here on the board who will be more than happy to do whatever we can to help support you and your daughter in any way we can. I, for one, will offer to reach out to my DS and ask him just to sit and listen to your daughter if she needs a sounding board and I am confident that many others will offer the same thing.</p>

<p>I am guessing that your daughters will surprise you. They are all a bit more grown up than most of us want to admit. Their main focus will be to make sure that you are taking care of you, which is the same focus that you need to have right now.</p>

<p>Please dont hesitate to reach out to us on the board if there is anything we can do. Prayers are starting.</p>

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<p>I’m also very sorry to hear what you’re going through!</p>

<p>I currently live about 300 miles away from my parents. My mom has a wide variety of health issues. She prefers to keep most of her issues to herself and does not want to burden anyone or make anyone worry about her.</p>

<p>Most of her issues are not very serious, but occasionally she will have a more serious incident and I usually find out about it much after the fact and I HATE that! She was once hospitalized for a suspected heart attack and I wasn’t told about it until she was released and at home a couple days later. You know your daughter and what she is capable of handling more than anyone here, but my preference would be to know what the situation is. </p>

<p>I would like to think there might be a support group on campus for students in such situations, certainly on a campus the size of UA, your daughter is not the only one who would be dealing with such issues. Often times it helps to talk to others who are going through the same thing and can relate to how you are feeling. If there is a support group on campus or in the community, you might want to encourage her to go to it.</p>

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<p>First of all… {{{ hugs }}} and prayers for a complete recovery.</p>

<p>I would delay telling my kids too much if they are in the midst of midterms, etc. </p>

<p>Get your wig(s), hair hats, etc, as soon as you can. Having those ready will make those transitions.</p>

<p>got to run, but will post more.</p>

<p>got a minute…find out what support groups are in your area…Bosom Buddies is a good group.</p>

<p>*So I will be in the thick of it before Christmas and will probably look a fright. *</p>

<p>lol…and you may not. :slight_smile: I recently went thru this a close friend. At the place where we found her wigs, they had makeup for those going thru chemo. I must say, my friend looked good throughout (too good, actually, her H said, “you don’t look sick”…which was a problem! :frowning: )</p>

<p>If you live in a cold climate, be sure to look at the hair hats. those were awesome. A 2 in 1 deal. :)</p>

<p>It’s not a terminal prognosis it is however pretty serious.</p>

<p>Thank God. </p>

<p>When you do talk to your child(ren) this is what you stress. That’s going to be their fear. Yes, mom is going to have a rough 1-2 years, but (thankfully) the meds and surgery and techniques are sooooo good now, that she’s going to pull thru.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer sucks. </p>

<p>I go back and forth between not telling them and telling them everything but letting them know that you have all the support you need at home and the only thing you want from them is to focus on their studies and not let this put too much of a damper on their college experiences. If I did tell them, I would assure them that no news is good news and that you will let them know if anything changes so that they don’t need to worry about what they don’t know. My parents were the “don’t tell” type, and while that never bothered me, and I think I actually preferred it, I know one of my sisters was always furious when she heard something after the fact.</p>

<p>My inclination would be to let someone at school know what’s going on. Whether that’s the director of her program, Dr. Sharpe, both of them or someone else would depend on her relationships with them and also how private she likes to be. I know when I was that age I would never go tell such a thing to someone at my school (that would be uncomfortable for me), but I wouldn’t really mind if they knew. You know your daughter best - I think you go with your gut on that one.</p>

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<p>I will be praying for you. I agree with the others that telling them is the best course. Now, if they are studying for a mojor test in the next few days, I might wait till the weekend. When my Mom was diagnosed, one of the things that helped me the most was her letting me go to a few of her doctors appointments with her. Now, I know that they can’t do that now, but they could over Christmas break. In the meantime, give them all the info, even if you have to send stuff for them to read. The scariest part for me with my Mom was the unknown. When it was just her telling me the basics and that everything would be fine, I had so many worries about what she might not be telling me, or what she might not be asking. Keep in mind these are girls and we all think our mothers know nothing until we get to a certain age. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>You are handling this whole situation beautifully, and I bet part of the reason why is because of all the details and information you have been given. Don’t skimp on the details with them, and don’t discount their need to SEE you. Skype or face time with them when you talk about it. Seeing you could help reassure them. I’d even skype or face time them after as well so they can see for themselves how you are doing. </p>

<p>Hang in there and let us know if you need anything. I’m only 2 hours away from Bama if she needs anything. I know there are many other CC moms who are even closer.</p>

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<p>First, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve had two friends go through this. I’m glad you have a good support system - it will make all the difference. As to your question, I think Bigdaddy88 is right on the money: I* would be transparent with kids this age. Tell them everything you know. Knowledge is power. THEN tell them that the best thing they can do for you is to stay the course. Explain that you have enough to worry about so if they really want to help then they need to continue doing well in school. Tell them that you will never lie to them or keep ant info from them so they don’t have any reason to sit around and fret. *</p>

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<p>I am very sad that you are dealing with this, my friend.</p>

<p>When I was a freshman in college long ago in the seventies when long distance calls were prohibitively expensive, I was far from home, and my Mom had a massive stroke.</p>

<p>My Dad hid it from me, giving excuses that she was next door visiting or grocery shopping when I made my weekly calls.</p>

<p>Later,when she would come to the phone, my Dad would joke that she’d had too much Wine ( Mom barely sipped) and her speech might be slurred (it sure was, but not from drinking).</p>

<p>I was not told a thing until I arrived home for Thanksgiving, and by then it was all over but the rehab.</p>

<p>I selfeshly did not think much about it, she was doing pretty well, until her BFF told me she had arrested in the ambulance and very nearly died in CICU during the first days after the stroke. THEN I was furious that she might have died without me having the opportunity to say goodbye.</p>

<p>I never really trusted my father again, although I now think he thought he was protecting me.</p>

<p>My advise is to be straight but play up the good care and strong local support.</p>

<p>Most of all, PROMISE YOU WILL LET THEM KNOW IF THINGS GO BAD. PROMISE THEY WILL BE SUMMONED.</p>

<p>I think they will be okay, as long as they are assured they Will not be shunted aside and treated like kids who must be sheltered.</p>

<p>Just plug away, keep them nominally updated. </p>

<p>Consider Caring Bridge, an online service that keeps friends informed…then they will be assured they are getting the same info as your adult peers.</p>

<p>Consider appointing your BFF or close relative as the “straight shooter” to whom your kids can turn for the real information…perhaps there is a particular aunt, pastor or family friend with whom the kids would be especially comfortable.</p>

<p>I think we all fear the unknown more than the facts. But this is not to say that I advocate having the kids aware of every medical test or hurdle, so that these hurdles do not take their focus away from their own studies and activities.</p>

<p>Please let me know if I or my DD can help.</p>

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<p>Prayers are with you …</p>

<p>I would tell them…my opinion is that it may change the way they view the things in life that really matter in a good way. The things that seem to be everyday trials may become insignificant and that living life everyday for their family and themselves is what it’s all about. </p>

<p>Life is what happens while we’re living it…</p>

<p>God bless you as you go through ths medical process</p>

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<p>Hugs and prayers to you, buzymom.</p>

<p>I agree with searchguy - I would tell them.</p>

<p>Please keep us updated.</p>

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<p>Buzymom3,
We faced the same dilemma. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 days before moving our DS into UA for Alabama Action. We chose not to tell him at that time. Whether right or wrong my DW who is an incredibly strong woman decided that we were not to tell our UA son until he was settled in at UA. We kept it very hush hush until my DW was able to tell him the first night we arrived for Parents weekend. At that point she had already undergone a double masectomy and reconstruction and still pre-chemo. My wife figured that telling him after all the surgeries were done and telling him face to face so that he can see for himself that all is good now was the best course of action. She is undergoing preventive chemo now and all is good. Whether this was a good way to tell him or not this is how my DW wanted it. My boys are fiercely protective of their mother and my wife was certain that telling him before starting at UA which is 1000 miles from home would completely throw off his focus and most probably result in him deciding not to attend UA to be closer to her at home.</p>

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<p>When all is said and done, the best course is that with which the patient is most comfortable.</p>

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<p>buzymom, I’m with beth’s mom on this. Cancer sucks. So sorry to hear you’ve been put on this road. I don’t have much to offer regarding the questions you’ve asked. No matter how much you tell the kids, I’d let them know you are geared up for battle. I’d ply them with success stories and I’d focus on the positive with them. If you are a praying family, I’d certainly let the kids know that I would treasure their prayers but I’d try to keep my emotional support needs to my husband and other close friends and family. I think our kids do well when they know that their parents are being taken care of (physically and emotionally) at home. That said, I would not intentionally withhold information or lie. But I would be discerning about what I did tell them (which I know is what you are trying to figure out right now!).</p>

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<p>Keeping you in my prayers.</p>

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<p>“vegucation” if I got that right, is a new book out there…deals with how going vegetarian is in itself a big cure…ESP green veggies… You might want to take a read… It’s another option. Stay strong.</p>

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<p>I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer seven years ago when my oldest, my D, was a sophomore in college. My boys were 17 and 12 at the time. Like you I found it most difficult to tell my daughter because she was away at college at the time. I told her the truth, but not all the scary details. If she asked a question I would tell her the truth but I wasn’t volunteering information that would make her sad. Since then, my boys have gone to college (my youngest just started) and I have been off and on with various surgeries and treatment. I have shared the information with their advisors and it did prove useful a couple of times.</p>

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<p>Buzymom3, hugs to you.</p>

<p>I’d tell them the diagnosis (which they already know) and anything they might find out from asking their brother at home. </p>

<p>You may very well do awesome in treatment. You may look and feel great when they are home for the holiday break. You don’t know - so think best case and not worst (because it might just be best case!)</p>

<p>I would concentrate on taking care of yourself. That’s what your kids would want, just as you want them to concentrate on their studies and not worry about you.</p>

<p>If the situation changes, you can come here and we can tell you what to do. We are good at that!! </p>

<p>Tell your doctors that your CC and watch party friends expect nothing less than a full and speedy recovery. Nothing messes with football season!</p>