<p>Buzymom3, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Many chemo patients like to wear caps to keep their heads warm. I’d love to crochet several for you, if you’re interested. We can talk about things like styles, colors, etc. via PM. So please PM me. :)</p>
<p>I’ve had two suspicious areas myself. The first was at the end of my daughter’s senior year of high school. We chose not to tell the children (her brother is 3 years younger) anything until after the results of the biopsy came back. (They removed everything all at once.) I got a diagnosis of atypical ductal hyperplasia, and am now considered high risk. All my appointments and outpatient surgery took place during the school day, so they never noticed anything until we told them. </p>
<p>At my 6 month follow up appointment, they found another suspicious area they thought was more of the same. At that time, I decided to move my care from Huntsville up to the Vanderbilt Breast Center. I figured if I ended up diagnosed with cancer at some point, I would want to be treated at the Vanderbilt Cancer Center (one of country’s leading centers) and would want all my records in one place and to have been done all on the same equipment. This time, D was down in Tuscaloosa. The surgery this time involved a larger area, but was still outpatient. I think we told her after the results came back in.</p>
<p>Turns out the second area was benign, and the Vanderbilt people don’t consider the first area actual atypical ductal hyperplasia. They didn’t think it was as advanced as that; just an area of atypical cell growth that could have developed into ADH. So second opinions are sometimes a good thing!</p>
<p>While we didn’t tell D about these instances until we had the biopsy results, I think with a diagnosis of actual cancer, I would have told her. That surgery can be much riskier, and I’d want her to know what was going to happen. I’d still try to play down the risks so she wouldn’t worry overmuch. Also, that would give her the option to be present during any major surgery if she wanted to.</p>
<p>I think the decision to tell before or after surgery depends a lot on your daughters’ personalities. We can tell you what we have done or would do, but we don’t know your Ds and how they will handle things. Are they close enough that they would want to come home and be present for the major surgery? My D would probably want to be present just in case anything went wrong.</p>
<p>Oh buzymom, I’m sorry, but there is plenty of hope nowadays!
Just to share my experience - second semester of my freshman year, my dad had a very serious accident and was hospitalized for 3 weeks (I think). I did not know until the third week, when I happened to call home when I hadn’t had my usual weekly call. My mom started crying on the phone and told me.
I was shocked, of course, and very unhappy that I hadn’t been told right away. But looking back, my mom did the best she could, and with no car I really could not come home if I had wanted to. That weekend, my boyfriend (and now husband) drove from Florence AL to Tuscaloosa, picked me up and took me home to Decatur and directly to the hospital.
I still think I should have been told earlier, but really there was nothing I could do at the time.
I agree with Bigdaddy way up on the first page. Tell the program director, and let your daughter know but with as much info as practicable. Being able to talk often and cheaply is such a blessing. Back then long-distance calls were so expensive! It would be great to tell her in person but Skype would be a big help for a face-to-face.
Blessings and courage to you!</p>
<p>Buzymom3…love, support, and prayers to you and your family. I believe that if your daughter is even half as strong as you exhibit in your postings, you have raised an exceptional young woman who will be a pillar of support for you!</p>
<p>Blessings to you with your decision-making and upcoming treatments.</p>
<p>First of all…reading all of these wonderful posts literally brought me to tears! I don’t know how to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to post. I appreciate your advice and perspectives. So many of you have a story of survival and success that it is inspirational. </p>
<p>I spent a lot of time last night reading the posts and the PM’s that I received. And I have to say that you are a very wise bunch.</p>
<p>Dear hubby and I are going to wait until my meeting tomorrow w/ the surgeon to see what the plan is and how it will fully be carried out. I am going to Skype w/ the girls on Sunday and lay out the process. I agree that it needs to be factual and I am going to try to do this without breaking down, but I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so I am not sure how that is going to go. </p>
<p>We tend to joke around quite a bit so I am hoping that once I give them all the info, we can lighten the mood a bit. They will have questions and I am going to tell them that I will always answer their questions honestly. thank you for that suggestion, I think it would be very calming for them to know that they can ask me anything. </p>
<p>Your suggestions and approval for contacting someone within the school to let them know make so much sense. I am going to email the heads of her department, who I have met. and Allison in the HC, who we still keep in contact with. I need to have adults for D to talk to if she needs to.</p>
<p>My head is spinning, my brain is “what ifing”, and I am a bit panicked…I think that I will feel better once I know the process is starting. LOL those that know me, know that I am not a patient person…I need this out and I need it out now!</p>
<p>You all have made me feel so much better with your wise words and your offers of help. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share your advice and your personal story’s. It shed so much light on the dark place I am in right now…</p>
<p>UA CC is a very special place…thank you thank you thank you…</p>
<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you. This will be tough, but from what you have said, you will get through it. </p>
<p>Your plan with your family sounds good. Tell them what is up when you have a treatment plan in place. Answer their questions honestly. If you cry you cry, and if you all can make some jokes to lighten the mood, so much the better. </p>
<p>My husband was diagnosed with a serious cancer when the kids were very little. One was so small, only a year old, he didn’t need to be told anything. The other, age three, knew something was up, so we came up with an age appropriate amount of information to tell him. I don’t regret talking to him about it. His father kept disappearing into the hospital, and was so weak during treatment, and the grown ups were so serious and sometimes tearful, we had to give him an explanation. </p>
<p>I underwent a little surgery due to a cancer scare myself that turned out to be nothing. I talked to my then late teenaged boys once I knew what would happen and when. I am sure that helped them understand the adults’ jumpiness and nervousness.</p>
<p>I will note that while each time the kids were concerned for the parent, they were also worried for themselves, what would happen to them if oNe of us died. Addressing those fears is also helpful for the kids, if painful for the parent to contemplate.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t tell the profs or deans about your illness. Let your daughter do that if it becomes necessary. If she were younger, even high school age, I would give teachers a head’s up if the treatment would affect her life. The preschool teachers knew about my husband’s struggle. The high school teachers did not know about mine, because it really didn’t affect the boys’ lives.</p>
<p>I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. I will hold you and your family in my prayers.</p>
<p>I would tell, but do so around the kids’ schedules in the next few days. in other words, not right before a test or the social event of the season, but in a peaceful valley before the surgery.</p>
<p>Prayers are headed your way, Buzymom. Beat the hell out of it.</p>
<p>~ Absolutely tell them everything. They will be resentful if they feel they have been kept in the dark. Especially now that your children are all adults.</p>
<p>~ Tell them you will always tell them the truth. Fear of the unknown is the worst of all, and if they know that you share the good and the bad, they will fear less. </p>
<p>~ Laying out the plan will be comforting, for them and for you. </p>
<p>~ They will know if you are hiding something and what is the first thing they will do? Jump on the Internet. There is nothing scarier than what they will find on the Internet. I know I have been guilty of this - hours and hours reading about all of the possibilites. Let them hear the facts directly from you.</p>
<p>I agree with Lizzardly - I wouldn’t contact professors or department heads. Your D is an adult and that is one bit of control she might just want to have to herself in a situation that seems out of her control.</p>
<p>When DH was diagnosed in 2007, our daughters were senior in high school and 8th grade. We pretty much shared everything, but were always positive in our outlook (and this WAS our outlook).</p>
<p>Best wishes for your full recovery. Take care.</p>
<p>I believe that the kids should be told, but timing can be an important consideration. This is mid-terms time at some schools. I would wait until right after such events so as not to derail my child. </p>
<p>I would only “not wait” if time were eminent, such as “dad just had a heart attack and will only live 2 more days so you have to come home now.” </p>
<p>I remember Rose Kennedy used to refuse to make phone calls during the night informing others that “X had just died”. “Let them sleep” was her philosopy - because the news at that moment wasn’t going to change anything. I would apply this kind of thinking now. If it won’t make a difference to your kids to know any negative details before mid-terms (they aren’t needing to rush home right now), then wait til after.</p>
<p>Love and prayers for a complete recovery.</p>
<p>UA CC is a very special place…thank you thank you thank you…</p>
<p>Yes, your Bama family is with you…praying for you. Now it looks like your thread has been moved to a general forum.</p>
<p>Buzymom- sending all good thoughts your way, as well as to your family. My DH had an aggressive cancer diagnosed when one of our kids was 13 and the other 17, so I know what it means to worry about them. My husband is well now and I wish a good recovery for you also. </p>
<p>As to the kids, I think you are setting the tone for handling important life issues together with how this is managed and for me, this mean keeping the lines of communication open, while being considerate of the timing. Glad you decided to wait for the plan, so that can be outlined. It is a real help to know how it will likely play out, rather just facing a serious diagnosis. Once your daughter is aware of the situation and has had time to react to it, then you or her father can help her sort out more specifics about how to proceed with the college. If she is resistant to anyone on campus being in the loop, and you feel it is necessary, that can be stated and worked through as well. </p>
<p>Don’t be afraid to let hubby help out during the discussion. It is a family affair and you can all be resources for each other. I think what is most important is that you indicate confidence in your team and plan, and a wish to hear whatever is on your kids’ minds. It is also important to normalize certain cancer “inevitables” in advance (good days, bad days, tired times, nausea, etc). Done ahead of time, in the abstract, can help later when the kids are worried and looking for context. Let them know that you want their questions answered and will do your best to answer them. During your team meeting, you might want to ask if your adult children would benefit from meeting with a medical provider when home from school, who might that be and how would it be arranged. Then you have your ducks in a row going forward. They might also have social workers involved, as well as literature that could be supportive. This is their expertise and they are usually willing to share it. </p>
<p>I am sorry for your diagnosis. There are many survivors on this board. I hope that you will soon be one of us…survivors. We told our kids when I was diagnosed. Their reactions were as different as their personalities. Don’t lie. Don’t say its nothing. Don’t pretend. And keep yourself as busy as you can.</p>
<p>I understand why so many are advocating for full disclosure. I’m going to give a different point of view. When my husband was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (in 1999), he needed ongoing treatment. Once we had a clear picture of what was happening, we certainly kept the kids (then 8th and 9th grades) apprised of what was going on–in a fairly straightforward, optimistic way. I will note that we were apparently not successful with this approach: my son points out that I spent the next six months crying.</p>
<p>Onward to 2007, when I was diagnosed with my chondrosarcoma; it was right in the middle of senior year (college) finals for both my kids. I chose to say nothing. In fact, I lied and told them I was having minor knee surgery (they’d noticed me limping). </p>
<p>Once it was over and the prognosis was clear (the doctor considered me cured at that point and since it was over six years ago, I guess I am), THEN I chose to tell the kids the basic facts. </p>
<p>In fact, at the time I told very few people. Dealing with the sympathy and worry of others would have been exhausting for me. I did tell a few people and I also asked them to do very specific things, things like “please being me chicken noodle soup the day I get home from the hospital” and “come sit with me for an hour on Thursday”. Later I went to “walk half a mile with me, I know I’m slow”…</p>
<p>Cancer and its treatment sucks. You will feel bad. Your family and your friends can do very concrete things that will help you feel better; it helps to keep a written list of things you’d like so that you can hand it to people who ask how they can help. Let them pick one. Or two.</p>
<p>My thoughts are with you as you weather this difficult situation. I know that for me I would want to tell my daughters as honestly as I could what the situation is and what the treatment plan is. Preferably I would want to do so in person as opposed to long distance and I wouldn’t necessarily want to hit them over the head with the news during midterms or finals. I haven’t read the entire thread so I may not be correct but I think after you meet with the team of doctors who will be treating you you’ll be able to get a handle and make some decisions about how to approach the surgery and recovery and treatment plan.</p>
<p>We faced a similar dilemma a few years ago, two children far away at college (youngest was still home, just starting to look at college). Slightly different, though, as it was my second time dealing with BC, sooo… Funny how one’s perspective changes. First time I could not get that evil out of my body fast enough. Second round I recognized that I had time, and luckily it was not nearly as aggressive as round 1. Also didn’t have as many options since it was the same side.</p>
<p>Anyway, we told the college kids once we knew what we were dealing with and how we were going to treat it. Son had a tougher time and was ready to blast home immediately. I said no, not necessary. Fortunately daughter was home for spring break, so that was easier, and she could see that I was “okay”. I almost flew to see my son just so he could see that I was “okay”! Once we filled them in on the diagnosis and treatment schedule, I asked them what they wanted to know going forward. Daughter would ask lots of questions, son did not, though DH did keep him informed on the basics. The children fed off of MY demeanor, and it was very important to me that I keep that positive and as upbeat as possible. And I was “lucky” second time, I “only” needed surgery. First time through was the full meal deal, so if you have any questions, happy to share my experiences.</p>
<p>It is a difficult time and very hard on the whole family. I think it’s important to make sure your children have someone near them in the loop about the situation. Both of mine had good friends that they confided in, so that was helpful. I chose to schedule surgery after son’s graduation. Stressful for me, but I was NOT going to miss it for any reason and knowing I would be there helped him stay focused. And my docs were okay with it. Gave me plenty of time to make certain decisions, too.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath and then another. Be very comfortable with your choices. Second opinions can be very helpful, even if you love your doctors if for no other reason than to gain a different perspective.</p>
<p>So sorry you are going through this. This doesnt answer your question about your girls, but as an aside, my DH’s cousin used the cole cap when she was going through chemo/radiation and did not loose any of her hair! You might want to look into it [Cold</a> caps tested to prevent hair loss during chemo](<a href=“Cold caps tested to prevent hair loss during chemo”>Cold caps tested to prevent hair loss during chemo)</p>
<p>During the spring of my S’s sophomore year of college, H was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery, I was diagnosed with T2 diabetes, and my father became very ill and died. (I dropped everything and spent 6 weeks helping my mother care for him in home hospice and deal with the aftermath.) In addition to the health issues, H was juggling possible jobs with the State Department, a firm in Egypt, and one here. It felt like almost everything about our lives was teetering on a pinhead.</p>
<p>I just realized that I have no recollection at all of what we told him about our illnesses or when. None. I do remember calling him to tell him my father had died.</p>
<p>I agree with advice to tell your kids what is happening, but to wait until you have had this meeting and KNOW what the plan is. I really love the advice to tell them outright that you will never lie to them and that you will keep them informed. Those of us who have parents who tend to hide these things know the feeling of insecurity that can bring.</p>
<p>You are in my prayers.
When I was dx, my daughters were 16 and 14. We told them when I knew prognosis (excellent) and treatment plan. My two sisters did the same with their diagnoses. We’re a cancer family! Anyway, our rationale was that we could tell the kids when we knew more about what was going on and could reassure them. They all had questions (younger Sis’s girls were 13 and older Sis’s are 23 and 24) and the medical team was able to give suggestions on what and how to tell. With some, knowing mom is going to be ok is enough. For others, knowing every.single.medical.detail is top priority. </p>
<p>The what-ifs can make you crazy. There will be lots of days when you don’t feel positive and that’s ok (my younger sis with ST III got really good at keeping other people away when she wanted family time). Our cancer center has social workers and therapists included in the treatment costs. Talking to someone who is outside the family and friend circle and some anti-depressants can make a world of difference. </p>
<p>Good thoughts for the best medical outcome. There is light at the end of the tunnel.</p>