I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible. My daughter just walked in and told me she really wants to break up with her b/f but is unsure. This is her first boyfriend/relationship/love. She is a senior in HS (17), he is a freshman at our local cc (19).
She mentioned a month ago they’d been fighting and were talking about possibly breaking up. She let him know she was unhappy and getting frustrated with the relationship. But then, after they finally spent some time together over the holidays, she told me everything was great and they were happy again. Apparently that is no longer the case.
It’s her. I think she’s just outgrown him. My daughter has a lot of drive, she is very self-motivated. She is finding him a bit lazy and it bothers her. (I’m not really sure he’s lazy, but perhaps his aspirations are lower.) Her frustrations: “He’s always late. He doesn’t respect when I tell him I need to study, he encourages me to come over to study and when I do, he just wants to do other things. I’m not convinced he’s really planning to transfer to a 4 year college after cc.” Etc.
She’s looking for my advice. My advice was, “if you’re sure, I think you should do it. Just know that he will likely cut you off for awhile to deal with it and you need to be prepared for that.” I asked her if she thought about waiting it out until she graduates. She said, well I would but I’ve already been feeling like this for the past 3 months and I just don’t see waiting another 6 months. It’s such an emotional drain on both of us. (She’s smart, she recognizes the issues.)
She feels so sad because she really does love him so that’s the hard part. How do you just cut off someone you love? She’s very kind-hearted and hates the idea of losing her best friend. He supported her when she went through a bout of depression last year and she’s supported him with other issues. So it’s just not cut and dry, ya know?! I mean she and I both know what she needs to do but…
Here it comes. The first heartbreak. This is my only child and first time going through this - so any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!
From what you’ve said, I absolutely think she should break up with him. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you’ll either be together until one of you dies or you’ll break up. He may be a great guy and she may love him, but it’s not sounding like the relationship is growing into something more long term. I understand why she may want to wait until she has the excuse of going off to college (and thinks that would be less painful for him perhaps), but the sooner she does what it seems she already knows she will do, the sooner they both can start to heal and move on. Heartbreak is part of the risk of being in a serious relationship. I think in a case like this, both partners will feel heartbroken to some extent. Your D will need your emotional support and it’s great you’ll be there for her.
Having presented the cold, hard facts as I see them, I absolutely understand the difficulty of the decision for your D and the effect it will have on you. My D broke up with a boy she was with almost three years during HS. H and I really liked him and they both loved each other. But it was not working out and she broke up with him as gently as possible. And while it may have been harder on him, it was sure not easy on her, including the guilt. They got back together briefly, which really just made things worse. Her senior year of HS she started dating another guy who is now her fiance (six years later), so I’m not against HS relationships on principle.
It hurts, they cry (the boys too). Then, after a few days, they start adjusting to the “new” normal. One of my sons did a “purge” of all the gifts and memorabilia of long-time high school girlfriend – a box went to the basement first, and then most of it into the trash after more time passed. He is now happily dating a wonderful girl, and learned a lot from the earlier relationship about what mattered to him.
There are a lot of events that come up in the spring. She’ll be better off if she breaks up now and goes to prom with ‘just a friend’ or a group of girls than if she goes with someone she’s planning on breaking up with.
My daughter is heading to a semester abroad, and she admits she doesn’t know if her relationship will make it. He lives 4 hours away from our home, 2.5 away from her college, and they never see each other anyway. It is a Skype and video game relationship. I think she’ll be happier abroad if they break up. They won’t now because I wouldn’t approve ‘one last weekend’ of her going to visit, so they’ll stay united in their dislike of me for the time being.
Sounds like a clear-cut case for a breakup. It’s exceedingly unlikely that a 17-year-old with “drive” and “ambition” will wind up settling down with her high school sweetheart.
@intparent yes, I was really just talking it through with her a bit. I agree, the sooner the better. She’s sure but then she isn’t. She’s trying to think through the fact that she will no longer have their daily conversations which have been so helpful in many ways - she had a very rough year last year.
@sherpa, well I believe her heart will be broken as well - she does love him. plus she will really miss their daily talks.
I guess this all sounds silly, but it’s tough seeing your child having such a tough time emotionally. On top of all the other pressures of class, college apps, mean girls, etc. he’s always been there for her when she’s been sad.
I figured several folks here have likely been through this and might have some thoughts on how I can best support her now and in the aftermath.
@CorpusChristi I wish it were that easy. It’s the aftermath I’m worried about. She used to be a very tough cookie but she has heightened sensitivity/anxiety now, so I worry.
“I wish it were that easy. It’s the aftermath I’m worried about. She used to be a very tough cookie but she has heightened sensitivity/anxiety now, so I worry.”
I can understand your concern about this as a mother and thinking this way, and have empathy as I’ve been in your shoes before, but this isn’t a reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t providing your daughter with what she needs, especially at the young age of 17.
“On top of all the other pressures of class, college apps, mean girls, etc. he’s always been there for her when she’s been sad.” “she will no longer have their daily conversations which have been so helpful in many ways - she had a very rough year last year.”
Remind her that you and the rest of her family are always there for her and willing to listen and discuss anything at any time.
Having recently gone through a breakup, as the one being dumped, I feel for the guy if he’s not a jerk. (I’m a female). She had better be sure being completely without him is what she wants if she dumps him, because with all you’re describing that he’s stuck with her through, he’s liable to feel used and rejected on many levels and may not be able to keep a friendship afterwards. I’m not suggesting she continue the relationship if she’s unhappy with him; it sounds like a hard situation. I just know that after you’ve given someone your heart and received indication of the same level of devotion from someone, it’s extremely hard (impossible for me up to this point) to back pedal and become just friends again.
Pretty sure my parents could’ve written this exact thing about me. Unfortunately, I stupidly hung on for another 2ish years (we broke up my sophomore year of college).
I would just tell her that you support her no matter what she decides. She needs this to be her decision. I had a hard time with my break up but after we broke up, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me that I wasn’t even aware existed. And the aftermath was not nearly as hard as I had envisioned.
I wouldn’t use the whole “there are plenty of people” out there type of line. That’s not helpful when there’s only one you want.
(Hugs) she’ll get through this but I really think you should remain neutral unless the relationship becomes abusive or otherwise extremely unhealthy. To me, it doesn’t quite sound like it’s there yet.
I agree with being neutral but supportive. But on the inside as the mom, I would be thinking breaking up now would be great so it is less likely to drag down the end of senior year fun and the college process. It seems this has been brewing for awhile and she is ready, just be there and help her keep busy with friends, shopping and lunches out together which may become less often with college approaching! It’s rough, but they survive and often come out stronger on the other side.
Personally I think she should break up with him I’m sure she’d rather spend her senior year having fun and making memories with friends than being with a guy she’s constantly fighting with and doesn’t even seem that into anymore. Just my opinion, why be in a relationship at 17 that makes life MORE stressful?
My take is to be neutral, as others have said, but let her know you support her in whatever she decides. I think she is learning what adults learn about relationships, that rarely is a breakup easy, that there are many factors in a relationship that both make it seemingly impossible to go on and a ton of reasons to keep going. He apparently was supportive of her in a rough time and their are aspects to the friendship that are great, and there is love, but that may not be enough for her but the good stuff is still a pull. If it were my own kid, I would tell her to trust her gut feeling and make a clean break with him if that is what her gut says.
Agree with being neutral; she needs to take ownership of her decision; but you can still be supportive. And the best part yet? I suspect a large percentage of long-term breakups eventually get back together again, but usually temporarily (although sometimes permanent). Or they will at least have serious talks about it, days/weeks/months down the line when they question their decisions (unless it’s a really ugly break-up with abusive behavior - even then sometimes they get back together). That’s why it’s important to remain neutral and not say bad things about him because they could get back together again - I saw it happen more than I expected with my kids’ peers. It’s part of testing the waters, questioning their own confidence in their decision, etc.
This is very important to make as clean of a break as possible so both parties can heal/move on as well as prevent the possibility of further hurt by the ex feeling used if she continues to maintain contact after the breakup.
One of the things which always perplexed and annoyed me was how some ex-es insist on maintaining contact even after breaking up with their ex-es and feel put out when those ex-es refuse to do so. There were times I’ve felt the need to bluntly remind some I’ve known that it’s called a breakup for a reason.
Another thing which I felt one ex of a good friend needed to be reminded of is that once there’s a breakup…especially if it was initiated by her is that one loses any entitlement to ask one’s ex’s…especially if s/he’s the dumpee for anything…whether favors or conversation.
My youngest met her boyfriend at 15. They have broken up twice for a month each time. They have survived the death of a parent. Different schools. My cancers. She went to an “important” university. He didn’t. They have grown together. I don’t know why some of us think that a relationship that starts in high school is limiting, or should be scorned because it is “settling”. Some people are lucky. And smart enough to know quality.
If it is time to say good bye, stand by your kid. As we all know, saying good bye is tough.