My D went through a big breakup while in college. Even if your D initiates the break up, she will experience a sense of loss. However, she will find her new normal. I made some extra lunch dates with D and did lots of listening. Also made an effort not to say derogatory things about the bf. I thought they may reconcile and didn’t want my words lingering with D.
I have told my children that dating should be the easy part. It’s marriage that’s hard. If you’re 17 or 21 and your relationship has run its course, it is best to end it. This is really the most merciful thing you can do.
I agree that you just need to remind your D that you love her and will respond her decision. I agree further that also it is easiest when it is a clean break instead of trying to make it an “easier” break.
I further agree NOT to take sides or give advice–just tell her to do what she knows in her heart/gut is right. Best of luck.
DS has been through 2 breakups. Once as a Jr. In HS either his sweetheart of 18 months…he called it off. It was hard on them both and I sat with DS as he cried…on his birthday. Then she comes over with a gift…I know it was meant to be kind, but it sends mixed signals.
He’s recently just broke up with GF #2, this one was tougher as they’ve dated longer and are friends.
It’s just hard…but I think you are telling her the right things. Don’t get too involved, it could backfire. She sounds like a smart girl and will figure it out.
She needs to break up in person or at the very least over the phone…no texting the breakup.
Disagree unless the reason for the breakup is due to violence or physical/emotional abuse*.
Absent those factors, I’m of the view a breakup should be done in person. Not through the phone or some other technological medium.
- And if that's the case, the dumper can rightfully opt to disappear without observing such polite social formalities not only for his/her own safety, but also because abusers forfeit any further rights to be treated with any semblance of politeness/courtesy.
I would not offer advice on what she should do but ask questions to help her come to her own decision. She’s the one who needs to live with it. That being said I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue in a relationship for fear of hurting someone.
My daughter broke up with two guys she cared deeply about but who just weren’t good matches for her. Really nice guys. One three years high school relationship and one three years of college. The college guys family were also very close with her. It was heartbreaking for her and them. She is still good friends with both of them.
@snoozn yes, thank you, you nailed it.
Agree with those who say support her decision- don’t make it for her. As a parent, your job is to help her trust her gut, think for herself and learn healthy assertiveness skills. These will serve her well in her adult life.
Thank you all for posting here last night. I was up past midnight with D and she was upset, waiting for her b/f to call her back. We were talking through things and I remained neutral, supportive, etc.
At one point, when she was about to cry, I said, well, do you want to hear what my CC friends had to say? She stopped, surprised, smiled, almost laughed and said "sure!"
I read these posts to her (minus a couple of words here and there to soften them) and said, see, you have an entire community supporting you out here!
Seriously though, I do appreciate the responses, it really does help to hear other people’s experiences.
The update: they spoke for about an hour and decided to take a break for a week. I’m not sure how that’s helpful but it is what it is. I guess they are dipping their toes in the water to confirm they can stand on their own - which I know they both can. Who knows, as some of you said, this might take some time.
It can be so confusing when you’re just not feeling it anymore, yet things aren’t “awful”.
She doesn’t need a long list of reasons and doesn’t need a long list of her BF’s short comings to justify breaking up. As we all know, sometimes a relationship has run its course and it’s time to move along.
Or, you just get to the point where you’d like to explore dating other people, but don’t know how to bring up the subject without officially breaking up. They could try going not exclusive for awhile too.
One thing I would like to add is if your daughter is certain about the breakup then it is better for her to stand strong and not go back and forth with him. It is hard to remain friends and stay in contact when you are breaking up, sometimes it could give the other person false hope or mixed signals. It is possible to stay friends after a breakup, but not right away, it takes some time for the hurt to go away first.
I have two daughters and I have seen a lot of breakups, sometimes they are the dumper and other times they are the dumpee, and it hurts no matter what. I do not get emotionally attached to their boyfriends. I tell my girls that I like their boyfriends as much they like them. I just try to be supportive (and buy a handbag for them to take away the pain). So far, D2 is coming out way ahead.
Stay neutral. But it’s okay to counsel that in life in general, it’s a bad idea to let fear of pain, sadness, or regret to keep you in any situation/relationship you think you’re ready to leave. Every transition comes with some downside and upside. Rarely are both fully apparent at the outset. This goes for everything, not just relationships.
I also think it can be liberating to realize that as we grow, we may grow apart. It doesn’t mean that the whole relationship was always wrong OT that it always will be. It just means that at this point, you each may need to go down separate paths. It may be that those paths will meet again later. Or not.
She is lucky to have your ear!
I had a boyfriend from age 16 thru freshman year of college. It was a strained relationship in the last year but breaking up was too difficult because he claimed and I believed I was one of the few good things left in his life. I transferred to an OOS U to break up and get away–a bit dramatic but it worked for me and ended the relationship. For me, it was a great time of growth and the ex married a co-worker of his shortly after I left.
My folks never weighed in about our relationship. They always remained impartial about everyone until the couple married–with 7 kids they’d have made themselves crazy if they emotionally invested in all our relationships.
They did voice a few reservations about the decade + age gap between H and me after we announced our engagement, but that was all.
As the mom of 5 Ds, I’ve been through multiple breakups, in both directions! My best advice is to listen, encourage her to do what she feels is right, and comfort her when/if she needs it. This has to be her decision and unless it is a relationship that is toxic, it’s best left to her to handle its demise.
When my D went through a tough breakup I got some “breakup advice” books from the library (Google that to find suggestions – I am a big believer in “bibliotherapy.”) I was also supportive of her in any way she wanted, such as taking a new pic of her for her social media, pampering her a bit, etc. The decision of course was hers, but I did tell her whatever was done, to handle it “with class” so as not to be uncomfortable when looking back. You want to take the high road and be proud of how you behave, I stressed. Ideally, to handle things so that in the future they could interact and perhaps even be friends. Tough, but doable.
My son did marry his HS girlfriend after a decade of dating, never dated anyone else. I also know a couple, very happily and long married, who met in high school, but broke up midway through college. They then got back together and that was IT from then on – so all different paths may work.
D had at least two serious relationships before meeting her eventual H – one broke up with her, the other she broke up with. No regrets lasted re either of the earlier suitors, although both breakups were difficult at the time. It is like being unemployed – if you knew that a great job was going to happen in the future, you would not be nearly so anxious and could relax. It is the not knowing and managing the interim that is hard.
Also, I always felt, and communicated, “Better happily single than unhappily paired.” Although happily married myself, I could also see myself as happily single if that were the way my life turned out, and wanted my D (and S) to feel the same.
Lots of good advice. I would add not to badmouth the ex boyfriend in any way, in case they get back together. Even if you think he’s a bit of a dope. I’ve learned to just focus on the girls being sad/emotional and offering support there, and let their friends do the “he stinks!” bit because it’s easier to forgive your friends for saying that.
Excellent addition, @MotherOfDragons
Ya, Jem and MOD, plus Jym, so many others, our jobs is to,listen and support
I don’t have many other comments beyond what people have already said, but it is great that you guys have an open enough relationship where she feels comfortable going to you and talking about these things. And also that she knows that you have a CC account and you share things with her from there. It’s cute
As I read this, I thought I was reading about my D17’s situation. She has been dating him for almost a year, but at this point they want different things. Right now D wants a lighter relationship while he wants to continue a full relationship. THe problem is that they dont want to lose the “friendship”. They did break up before the holidays for a short time and he was the heartbroken one. They are back together, but I have a feeling its going to continue to be a roller coaster ride. As a parent, I have grown to really like this guy, so if they finally break up I will feel the loss as well. THey both know that this summer they will probably break up anyway when they go to different colleges,which I assume puts even more stress.
I also get the whole “keep the relationship until then”, as I can see how they need each other for support. But in the end, its between them. I have just asked my D to be “as kind as possible”, which to be honest is not her strong suit.(she has a mean streak that sometimes comes out).
Reading this tonight and seeing others in similar situations as my D has helped me. who knew that CC could provide advise outside the college choices.