Thanks, a roller coaster it might be for awhile, but after talking with her last night in a bit more detail, she seems really mature about the whole thing. She is struggling, they talked and she, in a very nice way, explained why she feels she wants to break up. She told him she needed some time to think and that he should too, about what they both really want, what changes they would need to make to make it work and what happens when she goes away to college. They plan to talk again in a week’s time. Last night she was a bit sad, she misses him already but she’s sticking to her guns to give her time to really think about it. I guess that’s good and I guess we’ll see what happens.
Mom took a sleep aid and finally slept last night, it’s been a rough week! I-)
The phone breakup I suggested is if there is a physical distance between them. Can’t do it in person, and who wants to wait weeks. I agree if at all possible, it’s better in person. Yes, it’s much harder, but in the end the dumper says “I respect you enough to face you”. It’s also a good life skill to deal with hard situations. When my DS was the dumpee through a text message from his GF of 2.5 years, that did not go over well at all. He was offended as much by that I think.
My D also went through this about a month ago. She never consulted me as to whether she should break it off but just as to the “how.” My advice to her was pretty basic-- choose the right place/time and tread softly, be kind. The result you don’t want is him stomping off into the night vowing never to speak to you again. And then keep it private -no need to make any announcement to your friends that invites discussion or drama.
Although I still do not know what transpired, I was disappointed it ended. He appeared to be every parent’s dream – highly intelligent, accomplished athlete, good looking and from what I could ascertain from afar he treated her very well. I know there isn’t anyone else because she joined us for New Year’s Eve. He did snapchat her at midnight and I saw that she responded so who knows? Maybe she just needs a break for a while.
Learning a lot just reading this thread. My oldest DD isn’t in a current relationship. She was the dumpee for her first serious BF and the dumper for the 2nd.
The first one seemed shallow to me and wife. Handsome, popular – liked my DD b/c she was the star athlete. DD was frank with him that her studies and sports commitments took up tons of her time. He wasn’t honest when he said that was OK. He dumped her and within a few wks had eye-candy on his arm. My DD was somewhat sad at first – but when the replacement GF appeared, she felt relieved to have shed the guy. A few months ago, he snapchatted to her that the was going to be visit DD’s college for some event. My DD didn’t even reply.
Her second BF wasn’t that serious – but also wanted to have more time than my DD was able to give. Guy was too insecure to be honest w/my DD. He took some bad advice from his friend: pretended to be mad at my DD because of her schedule in order to get her to draw closer to him. Nope. She don’t play that. She ended it then and there. He tried to backtrack but he broke her trust and she said no thanks.
Not specificaaly referring to the OP – As the mom of a son who had a bad break up (he was the dumpee), please encourage your D to tell him why. Assuming there’s no abuse, closure is good. GF dumped S2 after 4.5 years with no explanation. Things seemed fine until they weren’t. Six years later, he still wonders what happened, but didn’t want to be a creeper and push for a conversation.
She was like a daughter – I still miss her a lot. Remember that it’s not your relationship, it’s your child’s. Some emotional distance on your part is a mentally healthy thing.
I think it is wonderful that your daughter feels close enough to confide in you. That being said, I have always tried to act as a sounding board for our kids and stayed away from giving more specific advice. A lot of times they just need someone to bounce ideas off of and to voice their thoughts out loud. High school relationships can be wonderful but most don’t last (I know there are those exceptions where they go on to happily spend the rest of their lives together but that is rare). Failed relationships help those involved grow and discover what they value in a SO and in a relationship. It can be very painful when they end (especially for the dumpee) but in the end it is more painful to drag out a failing relationship. It sounds like your daughter knows you are there to help her through this and that is the best thing you can do.
With regard to telling him why she wants to end it, that is often very difficult. I know that when I ended a relationship in college, it was mostly because I thought we had grown in different directions and the things I thought were important in life, he did not. When I tried to explain that, he just didn’t see it and didn’t understand. It didn’t matter if he didn’t agree because that is how I felt, and I still ended it. Years later I ran into a mutual friend and he told me that this ex could never figure out why I left. Not everyone is ready to hear the “why”.
A dad of two Ds here. I agree with @CountingDown. It’s important for both that it is articulated why the breakup is occurring. Be honest without being cruel. I think during this time of many kids lives the answer is as simple as “my life is changing and I want the freedom to let it change”. I think the first serious relationship is the hardest to end. I kind of wondered as a young teenager if one would ever begin. I think it was the subsequent relationships that made me realize that I am likable and it made me more confident in future relationships.
We only hear about S’s relationships after they have ended and get no info about who dumped who. S has lived away from us for over a decade and we know he’s had at least the GFs in that time and both relationships ended. We have no idea whether either was at all serious but feel he would likely introduce her to us if he ever is in a very serious relationship.
As far as we know, our 26 year old D has never been in a serious relationship.
@T26E4 – I mean this in the kindest possible way, but thought you might appreciate a head’s up: It really gives me the creeps to hear a middle-aged man refer to a teen-aged girl as “arm-candy.” (I’m assuming they were in high school). Even when it is your daughter’s former boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Maybe it is just me.
(I do realize that you are just being protective of your daughter, but it was such a discordant note in your post I thought it was worth pointing out).
Maybe I am a jerk- but I would be glad. My HS senior has a long term boyfriend, she is going away to college half way across the country to play lacrosse. Spring semester she will be gone from Jan to May every year.
Honestly I don’t think most people should stay with someone they have been with since the age of 15.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to articulate the reason(s) for a breakup other than to say it’s no longer working for you. Doing anything else can make it seem like the opening to a negotiation and leave people feeling like the “reason” has to be good enough. I don’t think that’s helpful.
I love Phil Dumpfy when he tells his daughter while she is crying over a breakup and asked why it hurts so much. His answer was “it hurts because it was a relationship worth having”. I reminded DS of that advice the night he wept over the breakup. Boys hearts are tender, too.
I do agree that boys can have tender hearts and can take it just as hard if not harder.
As far as giving a reason, being honest isn’t always the right thing to do. One of my kids broke up a relationship in the past year because they felt the person didn’t have the intellectual bandwidth to grow with and be with for a long time. The significant other was 3 years older yet my kid felt like they were the ones expanding the other person’s horizons constantly instead of it being mutual and the relationship was too limiting. There’s no good honest way to tell someone that without being hurtful.
Sometimes, “it’s just not working” is the kindest and most honest thing to say. Definitely do NOT get into negotiating and trying to change yourself or partner if things are ending.