Sometimes, if you feel compelled to give a reason that isn’t an open for a negotiation or a request to change, you can say "I don’t really like who I am in this relationship. " It’s usually true and it shifts the “blame” to the dumper.
^ Interesting thought. Though if my boyfriend had told me that, I immediately would have thought “yikes, I’m sorry, what did I do to make him feel so terrible about himself?!?!”
Agreed. Negotiating or expounding on the Why? aspects will only prolong the agony.
Once the dumper decides to initiate the breakup, take him/her at his/her word and attempt to start moving on. This includes a period of minimizing/ceasing all contact with each other until both have had some distance from the breakup and moved on.
any updates?
FWIW, here’s the best breakup advice I’ve ever seen:
http://ask.metafilter.com/88726/How-do-I-let-someone-down-easy#1305651
The update… but certainly not the end of the story:
-They didn’t make it a week, not even two days without texting.
-Thursday night, they got into a huge fight over the phone. D proceeded to cry for 3 hours and didn’t fall asleep until 2am. She insisted on setting her alarm for 5:30 (time she gets up for school). I shut her alarm off so she would sleep in - I need her healthy. She slept in Friday morning - I worked from home and we talked some. They decided to meet to talk in person.
-Friday night, they got together and talked while sitting in the car for 4 hours. They both agreed to break up because they didn’t like the current state of the relationship. However, they decided the friendship is just too important to end and it would be ok to talk and hang out sometimes as friends. (What does that ultimately mean?!! Who knows! I hope they can get past everything and truly be friends. I think that would be the best outcome.) She was very happy with their conversation.
-Saturday, not much communication between them
-And Today, apparently his car is in the shop, so D agreed to pick him up after work (a few hours ago) and then they would hang out. (Perhaps a bit too soon?!) I asked her why they were getting together so soon, she said, “I don’t know Mom, we just are, and I’m happy so…”
I expect her home shortly and am curious to find out if they “caved” or really hung out as friends! She may not want to tell me if they caved! Oh boy.
So that’s it… I heed all your advice. I stay out of it. I tell her I’m simply here to listen.