<p>Just found out my son in college is gay…trying to deal with an avalanche of emotions. It came as a surprise. Trying to adjust my vision of what his life might be like after 20+ years of seeing his life one way. He’s a great kid, but for some reason this discovery just makes me worry even more about him and his happiness. Any other parents out there who have experienced the same thing with some advice, encouragement, or reassurances that all will be well? Thanks!!</p>
<p>Unfortunately I’m restricted of what I can say on the internet. But I guess my first question would be are you a Christian? Do you have a religious affiliation?</p>
<p>mm2mom, sorry you’re having a rough time. Wow, what an adjustment in thought. I wish I had sage words for you, but the main things I think I would want to remember:</p>
<ol>
<li> He’s still the same person you’ve loved his whole life.</li>
<li> He needs his parents and their love - unconditionally.</li>
</ol>
<p>The rest you’ll probably have to just work out the best you can, because everyone is different.</p>
<p>Mostly, just love him. :)</p>
<p>A good starting point is PFLAG – [PFLAG:</a> Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays](<a href=“http://community.pflag.org/]PFLAG:”>http://community.pflag.org/)</p>
<p>Did your son just come out to you today? Perhaps the Supreme Court decision on DOMA is the first time that he is feeling safe and comfortable, knowing that the law of the land will now respect and protect him in a future relationship!</p>
<p>What’s wrong w being gay ? Current theory thinks that you are genetically hard wired from birth to bat for one team or the other. (apologies to all cross genders). One of my step sons came out in college and he is popular, handsome and has loads of friend, don’t worry it will all be fine.</p>
<p>If he’s a great kid now, he will continue to be.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes, that really is the problem with the Internet, isn’t it? Nobody feels truly free to express what he or she really thinks. /eyeroll</p>
<p>I agree that PFLAG is a good place to start.</p>
<p>And I understand that this unexpected news does leave you thinking that many of the things you’d simply assumed about the way your family’s life would unfold for the next few decades has been called into question. Anybody would find that unsettling.</p>
<p>I’ll offer a few observations. Ignore them if you don’t find them useful.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Even if your son had not surprised you by revealing that he’s gay, there probably would have been something that altered the future you’d been picturing. I am straight, but I surprised my parents by bringing a Jewish girl home from college, converting to Judaism, marrying her and raising Jewish children. And for a number of years, those were the only grandchildren my parents had. Kind of put a crimp in Christmases for a number of years.</p></li>
<li><p>Many of the changes you envision may be smaller than you envision them. Chances are, he’ll still marry or have a long-term life-partner. It’s just that he’ll pair with another man–whom you may end up liking a lot. (After all, your son, whom you love, is going to like him.) And they may even have children; many same-sex couples do.</p></li>
<li><p>He’s been gay a long, long time already. That means he’s still the same “great kid” he was a week ago. Except now he’s not carrying around some big ol’ secret that he dreads having to share with his parents.</p></li>
<li><p>I would worry about him, too. I think being gay is certainly easier than it was a generation ago, but I also think it’s still more complicated than being straight. I hope that’ll change within my lifetime.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>He’s not likely to get anyone pregnant when he doesn’t intend to.</p>
<p>Actually calmon…he didn’t actually come out to us…my husband saw a text on his phone that he was bringing to him because he left it at home. He read a couple of the texts in the thread and asked him about it. The child seemed relieved that he didn’t have to initiate the conversation. I have been out of town & have not had the opportunity to talk to my son in person. Dad is really conservative but i talked to him before he talked to our son & told him to take a breath and not over react…I think he calmly talked & let him know he is loved…that being said, I think we are in for a bit of a rough ride as dad was raised by strict religious country folk & some of that is still stuck within him. I’m catholic & we raised our son catholic…luckily for me I had an awesome mother who taught us to love & accept all. Sure wish she was still with us today…lost her 2 yrs ago to cancer so hopefully she is still with us in spirit! I have already looked into PFLAG in our community & we do have a chapter so I will check it out even if my husband won’t go with me yet. Thanks for your input!</p>
<p>mm2mom, if you’re religious and grappling with the religious implications of being gay, may I suggest that you read The Good Book by the late Rev. Peter Gomes? ([The</a> Good Book: Reading the Bible with Mind and Heart: Peter J. Gomes: 9780060088309: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-Book-Reading-Bible/dp/0060088303]The”>http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-Book-Reading-Bible/dp/0060088303)) Peter Gomes was the pastor of Memorial Church at Harvard and Plummer Professor of Christian Morals in the Harvard Divinity School. He was also a gay Christian.</p>
<p>The book is, admittedly, theologically liberal, and some Christians will dismiss it as worthless on those grounds, but I found the chapters dealing with Christianity and sexuality quite enlightening and enlightened.</p>
<p>You are honest in saying that you are experiencing “an avalanche of emotions.” It can’t be easy, as you point out, it will make you worry for him. I really liked the previous post which states, he is the exact same person he has always been. Also the one which says love him. First and foremost, let him know you love him like crazy, no matter what. Maybe let him do more of the talking, too, sounds like he has been too overwhelmed to be able to initiate the converation. So maybe it is time to let him take the lead. After all, it’s his life and his identity. And his future relationships, wherever he wants to take them, with whomever. How can you be his ally as he navigates this?</p>
<p>Sikorsky…you are a wise person who really knows how tonputvthings in perspective.
Thank you! I will re- read your advice again I sure!</p>
<p>Thanks, mm2mom, but if you read too many of my posts, you’ll discover in no time that I’m often snarky and kind of a smartass. Your current predicament just brings out a streak of genuine concern and compassion that I usually bury under a mountain of sarcasm.</p>
<p>Your son picked a good generation to be born into.</p>
<p>It was so much harder to be gay when we were young and even harder than that when our parents were young.</p>
<p>But today, at my job, during a very formal meeting, the highest-ranking person in the room interrupted the proceedings when the news flashed on her phone about the Supreme Court decision. She told us all what had happened. And everyone in the room applauded, including the speaker whose presentation was interrupted. </p>
<p>I can’t even imagine that happening 25 years ago.</p>
<p>
Sikorsky, do you have another book to recommend from a Jesuit’s perspective?</p>
<p>Sorry, Krlilies. Besides, wouldn’t most Catholics say that is the Jesuits’ perspective?</p>
<p>lol. Sikorsky.</p>
<p>Offer your son your love a million times. But it is also ok to admit to yourself and to him that this will take some adjustment time for you. The road you pictured for him has changed - it will all probably be fine, but though they might seem insignificant, some ideas have changed. The idea that you won’t have a daughter in law. The idea that a grandchild might be born in a not typical manner. The thought of all the times and people you will eventually be put in the position to share this with and how that might be awkward. The worry about him with others - at work, friends, family, church. Again, all will likely be fine, but you need time to PROCESS this. You might tell him that if you want and might even selfishly ask if you could have some time before the while world knows (if that is important to you and your husband). </p>
<p>It’s ok to not be totally ok with it right off the bat. This is one of those things in life i think that people can have an opinion on, but that they truly can’t empathize if they havent been in the situation with a very close family member themselves. But the fundamentals - the love - sounds like it is there and truly, that love will make it all work out in the end.</p>
<p>When you do finally see your son in person, hug him, hard and often.</p>
<p>^^^Second the above. Give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him. </p>
<p>While being gay is more accepted now than when we were young, still, every day, young people are committing suicide because they’d rather die than face their parents with this truth.</p>
<p>If your husband has trouble coming around, remind him that it’s better to have a gay son than a dead son. </p>
<p>Keeping your family in my prayers and wishing you best of luck in the hard road ahead.</p>