<p>I imagine that before this information became known, you didn’t discuss the intimate details of your son’s sexual desires and/or activities. Please continue to make that something you do not bring up. In my life I’ve known so many people who have come out, and all of a sudden people think it’s okay to ask them very intimate questions which they’d never ask a straight person. It’s quite disconcerting. Allow your son to have his privacy just as you would (did) when you assumed he was straight.</p>
<p>It must be a huge relief for him, now that he doesn’t need to fear your reaction. He’s probably feeling an avalanche of emotions now too! </p>
<p>As others have said, he’s still the son you’ve always loved, and he’s still the same person he was yesterday.</p>
<p>This certainly doesn’t have to be a “hard road”. Only if you and your H make it one… I have a gay child, and honestly we (ex-H and I and her sister) barely missed a beat when we found out. Not that we suspected, it was a complete surprise. But as someone said above, she was the same great kid the day after we found out as the day before. It honestly does not make a bit of difference to me. She is standing in the kitchen near me singing and cooking right now. And her sexual orientation matters… why?</p>
<p>I think it’s OK to do alittle personal grieving, too. We all have these visions of a path we think our kids will follow and when they choose a different path it is fine to be sad or worried for a short time. I have a friend who lost a sibling to AIDS several decades ago during the early AIDS years and they were very sad at first when their oldest told them and it dredged up far too many memories. But that sadness and worry lasts a short time and really has nothing to do for the love you have for your children and as others have said times are quite different now than they were in the 80s.</p>
<p>The key thing is to remind yourself of the relationship you had always planned with your son as an adult. Did you anticipate a close relationship with shared activities? Then still have that. Did you expect to stand aside and cheer his accomplishments loudly and often? Then do that. Were you, like me, shameless in pursuit of grandchildren? Then continue to remind him that your life will not be complete without them and his sole purpose in life is to give them to you. (Kidding) in this day and age, your son can have a traditional marriage and family if that is what he wants. The thing that matters is that hopefully he will find someone who loves him almost as much as you do and who will appreciate your fabulousness as a mother in law. Just love your darling boy. Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.</p>
<p>OP, I am a mom of a blended family of eight children and we have two gay sons. I understand your world has changed. I also understand being married to a very conservative husband and having to reconcile your religious teachings and what you are facing. I won’t go into religion, but I believe the goal of many “religious” persons, despite what their specific beliefs are, to live a life of goodness, faithfulness and love. Sexual orientation does not change this. The young man you raised, the young man that took the SAT and graduated from High School is the same person he is today, yet a better version of himself because he has decided to live his life authentically, and not hide behind what society thinks he should be. Many people may feel a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, but I assure you despite that, he harbors a great deal of concern that the two people that have anchored him all his life simply do not know what to do with that information. So starts the tip toe dance until he feels that he is free to love without judgement, hatred or fear. But the reality is, it is you and your husband that will plot this course.</p>
<p>It is about a man who loves a man who dies an early and tragic death. It is about the pain that comes to this man because his partner’s family basically can’t handle the fact that their son is gay and how that family just “voids” their son’s life partner because it is the easy thing to do. Their son’s obituary was a lie. They wove a web of lies so their position in their community could be upheld. The message of the living partner is so moving. This man could be your son. Your son could be his partner. You will need a kleenex.</p>
<p>I love my boys. They are amazing men. They will both make great dads. I am not sure if that will ever happen, but I hope it does. I worry about them being accepted in society. I worry about hate crime. I worry about discrimination. But what I don’t worry about is my ability to love them, accept them and cherish them.</p>
<p>Although this documentary was made in 2007, I’d never heard of it until I saw it on PBS this weekend. It is a beautiful, powerful film about how parents feel/react when their children come out. Many inspiring and moving segments, including some that focus on conservative religious families. These families have remained firm in their faiths and have fully accepted their children with love and pride. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen on television.</p>
<p>I just wanted to say that I love the responses you are getting here, OP.* Folks are acknowledging that it’s okay to feel surprised and scared and, yes, even a little sad and worried, but that you loved him yesterday, you love him today, and you will love him and be bursting with pride over all his wonderful qualities and accomplishments tomorrow and down the road. And that’s it’s also fine to try to figure out out to reconcile this new development with your religious convictions.</p>
<p>*Except mini. Perhaps you were trying to be funny, mini, but I thought that comment on page 1 was insensitive at best. And a little mean. And certainly not the least bit helpful to OP’s situation and purpose for posting.</p>
<p>The good news is that as of today, marriage equality took a big step forward, so the stigma of not only being gay, but also having equal rights with all other citizens, is less of an issue. Our kids were not brought into this world for our benefit. </p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with mini’s comment. There are little silver linings in everything – honestly, it has occurred to me that my gay D probably doesn’t have to worry about pregnancy either. And at this age, that is one less thing for a parent to worry about. Sure, hopefully eventually my D and the OP’s son will figure out a way to have a family. That is very possible in today’s environment, though. Twenty years ago a parent might have grieved that there would be no grandchildren to dote upon, especially with a gay son. Now it is likely our kids will have children to raise if they want them.</p>
<p>Best wishes to OP and her whole family. I have a gay son. When he came out, it was no surprise to anyone. But, I know that his previous boyfriend’s family had a really hard time. They were very conservatively religious and still are in denial somewhat (hoping that he will “change”). In my opinion, the best thing you can do is just tell your son that you love him. </p>
<p>I am also a clergyperson (not Catholic obviously as I am a woman) and spend a lot of time counseling parents in your situation. Give it time, feel free to grieve the loss of some “dreams”, educate yourself, remember that your son has not changed (he was always the same person), and don’t make “being gay” the topic of every conversation. And pray for your son - that he will be happy, safe and successful in life.</p>
<p>Coming at this from the angle of a LGBTQ teen, lets see if I can provide a different perspective. Remember this is all how I would react if I was in your son’s situation, so take my advice knowing that it may be a bit different for your son than for me.</p>
<p>Seeing as how your husband looked at his phone and that’s how he found out, it would be best not to bring up any problems you have with your son being gay for a while. He would most likely do what I would do and point out that he had not told you, that your husband had snooped and found it out that way. Let me be clear, I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, just to say that he may be a little touchy. Be careful of the tone in which you speak to him about it. Even a question that you just mean to be out of curiosity has to be said carefully. If the tone is just a bit off, it can sound like he will be in trouble if he answers it any way but one, and that’s how he will answer it, true or not. The best thing is to let him bring any serious conversation up on his own. As for your husband’s family, try casually mentioning to them not that he is gay, but that he is a supporter of LGBTQ rights and advise them not to speak about it in a way that may be offensive. I know my grandparents bringing it up unaware of my queerness can make me seriously uncomfortable, even if they are attempting to say nice things about it, just because they don’t use words very effectively, and so usually end up accidentally calling me “messed up” and “abnormal”, even when speaking of their support for my rights. Also, try to learn a bit more about homosexuality and gay men just so that if he does decide to talk to you he doesn’t have to educate you on much, if anything, because that can make him just be like “never mind I’ll talk to someone else”. Finally, as much as you don’t want to, the best thing though is to let him do what he wants about it. Don’t force him into anything. Don’t constantly say you are there for him. He most likely doesn’t want that to be the largest part of his life. Hang out with him however you did before you knew and act like nothing’s changed, keeping in the back of your mind that he is gay.</p>