<p>Joining in on the hug for your son, for you and for your husband.</p>
<p>Our son came out to us when he was fifteen. At that time my husband had been a United States Marine for 20 years and we were living in the deep south. We were impressed with how brave our son was to choose to be out in high school! It took my husband longer to come around to the idea but he worked on that privately; to our son he was nothing but supportive from the get go.</p>
<p>Give yourself time. Your son has known he was gay for a long time, you’re just finding out. Even as a liberal who has always supported gay rights, I had to adjust my frame of mind. Six years down the road now, it’s just second nature to think of my son as being married to a man someday but that used to seem strange and I worried it would always feel a little strange. Now it’s just the way things are and completely normal. </p>
<p>My son is currently in London and he wrote me a text after finding out the wonderful news about DOMA and Prop 8. He said he was thankful to be a young, gay man right now in history. He spoke of the sorrows that some of his older friends have been through, truly heartbreaking.</p>
<p>Keep talking about safe sex (although the focus is obviously a bit different!) in terms of physical and emotional health. Sure it’s awkward at first but that will pass as well.</p>
<p>Just remember that he is still your boy, your son, your heart.</p>
<p>AmberDA… Thanks for sharing things from your point of view. That is basically what we have done with him. The phone thing was really kind of accidental. Our sone called home bc he forgot it & asked dad to bring it to their lunch date. Three was a new text on the iPhone screen that my husband saw…oddly the phone was unlocked which it ne’er is. When my husband asked him if he might be gay he seemed relieved thatbhecdid not have to tell his dad himself. He told dad he was planning to tell me first. I am out of town and have yet to have an in person conversation with him…don’t relly know when I will be seeing him again bc he’s back at school for summer til Fall classes start. Hoping to get there this Sumer for a long weekend so we can do something fun as a family…thanks again!!</p>
<p>mm2mom, you should do a Skype chat at least. He’ll want to hear from you (and know he’s still loved). It’s scary for him too.</p>
<p>
Twenty five years ago, being gay carried so many negative feelings, what with AIDS in full blast. I lost a very dear friend to AIDS. But today? Today, the Supreme Court tore down DOMA.</p>
<p>Parent of a gay son here who came out to us after Freshman year of college. We were fairly surprised by the announcement, though I will say I had considered it at times. Although we had no problem with it from a religious perspective and made sure he knew it in no way changed the way we feel about him, we did go through a period of adjustment with respect to our dreams for him. We know he can still achieve all of the things he could if he were straight (job, marriage, family), but some may be harder to achieve and my heart aches for him in that regard. I think it is perfectly normal for parents to feel this sense of sadness and disappointment after such an important announcement. </p>
<p>It’s been several years since his coming out and, in our immediate family, it’s just another part of who he is. Unfortunately, he knows several members of our extended family will have issues with it and he doesn’t feel comfortable coming out to them yet. I hope some day he will and he knows that we won’t tolerate any disrespect from these family members or anyone else for that matter.</p>
<p>One thing that has helped me sort out my feelings is connecting with a few other parents of gay kids. As my son is not yet fully out, I can’t discuss it with my friends and it’s been good to be able to discuss and check out my feelings with others who have had similar experiences. Due to some other significant life changes that happened around the same time as our son’s coming out, I did go to counseling for several months, but I found talking to these new friends helped the most.</p>
<p>“I see nothing wrong with mini’s comment. There are little silver linings in everything – honestly, it has occurred to me that my gay D probably doesn’t have to worry about pregnancy either. And at this age, that is one less thing for a parent to worry about.”</p>
<p>I’ve talked to enough PFLAG members over the past 20 years to know that this ALWAYS comes up for parents as a positive. In fact, I think it would be rare parent of a teenage gay son for whom it would not come up. I don’t think I was being insensitive at all; after the shock wears off, it is one of many sighs of relief. (Another one is knowing that, now that it is out in the open, your son may actually go to the prom after all; just not with whom you had always figured.)</p>
<p>My Friends Meeting has been marrying gay folks since 1991. It is extraordinary how much of a non-issue it has become for us, except it isn’t extraordinary at all - just an ordinary part of who we are.</p>
<p>If God wanted us all to be straight, She could have easily arranged it. Or perhaps the gods created people in their own image - some gay, some straight, some transgender, some…</p>
<p>On the topic of safe sex, make sure he’s up to date on his vaccinations, particularly Hepatitis A, B, and HPV. More and more insurance companies are covering the HPV vaccine and it’s now recommended for all males up to the age of 21, but up to age 26 in your son’s case. I would also suggest that your son be honest with his doctor, possibly switching to a more gay-friendly doctor if necessary, and gets tested for STDs every 3-6 months if he is sexually active. Beyond that, who he sleeps with is none of your business. On a related note, if your son shows you a picture on his phone, don’t flip through his other pictures unless he tells you to.</p>
<p>As others have pointed your son is the same person you’ve known throughout his life. He still might get married and have kids, or he might not, just like anyone else. </p>
<p>I highly suggest that you watch some of the It Gets Better videos and check out some of Dan Savage’s other work. </p>
<p>In a college-related note, more and more companies are becoming gay-friendly and in many states are required by law to provide equal benefits and have a strong nondiscrimination policy in place.</p>
<p>Some parents in the film did struggle after their children told them they were gay. The most moving parts of the film, to me, were the segments about three religious families in which the dad had previously made anti-gay statements. In each case, the dad immediately reached out to show his son that he loved him, and was sorry for hurting him in the past. Made me proud to be human.</p>
<p>Not every story in the film has a happy ending, but most do.</p>
<p>mini - I just thought on the very day that Mom found out her son was gay, and was completely surprised, she might not have wanted to hear something so, well, tactless. As you said, after the shock wears off, it may come up as one of the positives, but if it were me, that is not what I would want someone to say to me within hours of my discovery.</p>
<p>And here is why we have an open forum. Different people have different opinions. It might have rubbed you wrong, but who is to say it rubbed the OP wrong? Unless you have ever been in the OP’s shoes and have shared the same life experiences, you have no idea the thoughts that are flowing. Having access to all information no matter how tacky it may be deemed to be, is still information.</p>
<p>^^ I completely agree. That is why “I just thought” and “if it were me.” It may have been received completely differently by OP. </p>
<p>But I also see nothing wrong with me expressing my opinion that mini could have held off on that particular “advice”; that maybe exactly because it could be perceived as insensitive, even if by the minority, he might want to wait a minute before being so blunt next time.</p>
<p>I didn’t find anything wrong with mini’s comment. The day my H became permanently wheelchair bound, I told him “at least we’ll save a lot of money on shoes” and he appreciated the lightheartedness of the comment. :D</p>
<p>But I assume, axw, that you had already known your husband for some time before you cracked wise in that way. I think Mini presumed too much to say that kind of thing to a stranger. (Now, to be fair, there are times when I might do the very same thing Mini did. And when I do that to a stranger, I’m wrong, too. JMO.)</p>
<p>Allow yourself time to grieve the dreams that you had for your son in terms of wife and family, and your dreams of relating to a daughter-in-law. That isn’t disloyal to your son in any way. But sometimes you have to empty yourself of one thing before you can accept something else.</p>
<p>It WILL feel weird for awhile to think of your son falling in love with another man, and having a sexual relationship with him. That’s not being judgmental; it’s just something that goes against what you are used to. After awhile, especially if/when he finds a life partner that you come to care about, the “new normal” will feel, well, normal.</p>
<p>We are sexual creatures, and we tend to view other people with sexuality in mind. I think that’s why some are so homophobic - they can’t think of anything but the sexual acts and forget about what a gay person does the other 23 hours of his/her day. Except for his sexual attraction, your son is still the same man you’ve known and loved all of his life. Don’t discuss his romantic life any more or any less than you did when you thought he was straight.</p>
<p>
[quoteAllow yourself time to grieve the dreams that you had for your son in terms of wife and family, and your dreams of relating to a daughter-in-law
[/quote]
I am totally serious when I say that I would view not having to share my son with THAT WOMAN as being a very positive aspect of having a gay son. Yes I know. You don’t have to tell me about myself.</p>
<p>Most (but not all) of the folks I’ve known who have had a gay offspring (as a teen) come out have known, or at least had something stronger than an inkling, before the event. The more sudden ones are when the married husband comes out. (which is not all that uncommon, if only because it had never been safe for him to come out before.)</p>