Extended family member still in HS has now added an extreme piercing to their look. It is of the sort you don’t see much, probably because employers won’t allow them. What do I say? I kept my mouth shut when the ugly tattoo showed up, but this is worse, and I’m worried that no one is pointing out how horrified some people are by these (IMO) mutilations. It would be very easy to say nothing and let real life inform them, but is that the best approach? Mom must approve, as kid does not have a job and the dough came from somewhere. Step dad won’t interfere. Does concerned family have a duty to speak up, or shut up?
Without knowing more than you’ve given here (like where exactly this piercing is) it’s hard to comment. I would say, though, that if it’s fine with mom and dad, it’s probably not appropriate for other family members to interfere.
You might be surprised by how common what one might consider extreme piercings are these days. I’m not a fan, but shop at our local Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s and you’re likely to see a wide range.
Chances are good that this young person will encounter many commenters. If I were you, I’d let the greater world teach whatever lessons are to be taught, as you will just come across as critical and not up to date. I’m sure the young person is not stupid. They know what they are doing will offend some people, and they don’t care. Time may change that.
Agree with Moonchild. When my D was 13 she wanted to get her belly button pierced. I said no and told her that if she still wanted it when she turned 16 I would take her to a clean, reputable place and pay for it. I really thought she would lose interest but she didn’t. So, on her 16th birthday I took her to get her navel pierced.
I reeived a lot of comments from “friends” who disagreed with my decision. Some of them blamed me because now their daughter’s wanted the same. I told them that was not my problem.
Granted a belly button piercing is easily hidden so it isn’t really the same issue but I really did resent the people who felt it was their “duty” to straighten me out as a mother.
I DID appreciate when my D’s pediatrician congratulated me for allowing my D to express herself in a safe and innocuous way.
My opinion is to keep your opinion to yourself unless your relative asks you for it.
Norms are changing. There’s a lot more tattooing going on, although most people opt to place it in a location that can be hidden in a conservative business setting. More piercings too: A woman with with a single stud in a nostril is so popular that my daughter said it had become a cliche for the self-consciously ‘artsy and hip’ (unless they happen to come from India!) Two-three holes for earrings isn’t worth commenting on any more. A friend who is a mid-level executive at the corporate head-quarters of a major bank has a tongue stud. She is highly respected and dresses professionally, which makes that sudden flash of silver all the more surprising. My point is that it might be time to withhold judgement since it’s no longer a statement about gang membership, time in prison or a really wild night of drinking. (I’ve told my kids that as long as the tattoo consists of a heart that says “Mom,” I’m on board.)
I am curious - can you be any more specific as to the nature of this piercing? “Extreme” probably means different things to you than it does to me.
I think this is a time to MYOB.
I might not like the way it looks, but I would not say a word. What’s to be gained? It’s already done. I’d voice my opinion to my child, but not to anyone else’s child (that includes my DIL, who has some interesting tattoos and piercings.)
If your relative later finds that the piercing is a hindrance, then he or she will likely do something about it. A young man (early 20s) who did some work for me last year had to have his ear gauges removed and his earlobes repaired as a condition of employment. A relative of his owned the business and was his last chance after he’d screwed up at some other jobs. The young man was willing to do it because he appreciated being given the opportunity to learn some skills and he understood that most his uncle’s customers would not care for the look.
If it is giant ear gauges, those can be reversed in the future with surgery.
Personally, I don’t think much good can come from saying anything. It’s not your place.
I know quite a few PhD students with “extreme” piercings- same when I worked in photography.
What is “extreme” to you may not be to others and it very well might not affect the HSer in any way, shape, or form depending on what field she goes into.
When I was in high school, I had a lot of facial piercings. Never the gauges because the pain was a turn-off. Lip, eyebrows, nose, etc. I eventually lost interest and they healed up. My friends who had gauges also lost interest and most closed up (most do close up- you have to be pretty stretch before they won’t go back).
Maybe snakebite? I do see similar piercings at WF and TJs but I can’t think of anywhere else. I suspect most employers just don’t hire people that can’t cover up. Prior to this, kid got a wrist tattoo which obviously can only be hidden by long sleeves. Kid dyes hair in 2 unnatural tones. With the hair and tattoo in place, she took her niece shopping and was shocked, shocked that the sales lady asked her if her niece was her own child. IMO she should not have been shocked that someone would wonder that, given her appearance, unfortunate as the comment was. I wonder if someone should mention the negative effect these alterations have on some, but I guess if the sales lady experience didn’t give her a clue I doubt that anything I said would matter much. Put it this way - should the kid know that most of us elders are appalled? I think I would want to know. I got plenty of grief for some of my HS interests and actions that were outside of the norm, but took those comments into consideration 
and kept doing what I loved, but with the understanding that some disapproved. I learned to hide the offensive parts of me to keep from upsetting others. But these in your face piercings can’t be hidden.
@EPTR, I allowed my daughter to get a belly button piercing at 14, good lord the talking that went on with other parents (moms) was ridiculous. They equated her piercing with loose morals, both her and I.
As the mom of a kid whose hair is currently dyed in two unnatural tones, I suspect that none of the people involved have any interest in your disapproving opinions.
Personally, I don’t necessarily think that her piercings, etc were the reason she was asked. I used to go out with my young cousins and kids I coached and would often be asked if they were my kids (in high school, I looked much older than my age).
Btw, snake bites aren’t really “extreme” and are easily removable.
Just as someone who was the goth teen with piercings, I should tell you that disapproving elders simply added fuel to the fire. (I’m quite lucky my parents accepted everything I did- I’m not sure what I would’ve done if they had shown opposition!) I grew out of it but I don’t regret a single thing.
And wrist tattoos are very common.
The kids know we’re appalled - that’s why they do it. Actually I don’t think that’s the only reason. We know a guy who is an assistant prof at NYU who has tattoo sleeves, eye brow piercing, and at least one earring. He’s also prone to wearing multiple rings with skulls. It doesn’t seem to have held him back. I also know a middle school teacher with a nose ring. In any event, once a kid needs a job where being more conservative is required they usually manage.to lose the ickiest piercings. (Tongue is the only one that really bothers me.)
“Put it this way - should the kid know that most of us elders are appalled? I think I would want to know.”
Honestly, I would venture to guess that she has probably already heard this from somewhere. I have had my eyebrow pierced since I was thirteen (asked for it, mom made me wait six months, and when I still wanted it she took me to get it done as a birthday present). As a teenager, I heard all manner of comments about it from adults, some well meaning, some not. Generally, I was told that I was messing up my pretty face, that I would somehow wind up deformed and need plastic surgery, that people would think I was up to no good, etc. However, my general life experience really suggests that you’re wrong in assuming that most elders are bothered by this. Sure, some are, but I am sure your relative is already well aware of this and simply doesn’t care. Teen years are the perfect time to play around with your appearance and identity, and I think you are making a lot more of this than it really should be.
A bonus of piercings too is that once sufficiently healed, they can be easily removed for interviews and day jobs. I remove mine for interviews and conferences (I am a PhD student) and nobody is any the wiser. Even beyond that, I really believe the climate on this is changing. Attending well regarded conferences in my field, I have seen others with brightly colored hair, facial piercings, mohawks, visible tattoos, and otherwise alternative styles. Overall, this really isn’t a big deal.
Also sorry for your relative that she was judged for her appearance. That really stinks.
In my experience, most of the time people get piercings or tattoos, even at a young age, it is less about what the older generations think and more about what their own generation thinks. That is, to the extent that she is trying to blend in or shock, it almost certainly about blending in with and shocking various groups her own age. In general, what we think just is not that big a deal. Usually.
Actually, the same lack of vascular concentration that makes piercing easy makes healing very difficult after revision surgery. My friend’s son who had his mega gauged ear lobes reconnected experienced significant tissue loss in one lobe.
With judgment like this from our older and wiser “elders” it’s really amazing to me that young women have such distorted views of their own bodies and place SO much emphasis on their appearance. (sarcasm)
Yes, I am sure she does this for her peers. Well, it really doesn’t matter whether I approve or disapprove. I am just concerned that the kid has no idea of the consequences of a segment of society disapproving of these things. Not all HS teachers are open to this stuff. Most employers are not. No way am I going to believe this doesn’t negatively affect how some authority figures view her. Perhaps mom and dad have sat her down and told her so and asked her to weigh the pros and cons. I hope so, but doubt it.
Is this a child with whom you have a close relationship and would value your opinion?