Advice Pls: Son's Friends Aren't Friends

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi, me again…this time seeking advice to help my rising senior son.</p>

<p>Son is really a wonderful, dear heart…quiet but friendly and funny and easy going and just a good soul…very warm and loving, very tender. The problem is his friends, or lack thereof. The area we live in is very materialistic, very competitive, very rude and self-centered. My sweet boy tries to make friends, but it seems that he’s always the one doing the calling. Some of his “friends” set up plans then ignore them leaving him with nothing to do frequently. They make plans, then defer them, saying they’ll call, which they never do. It’s so sad. He feels like “filler”. He spends entirely too much time in front of the TV or the PC or the game systems. I try to engage him, but, of course, at his age he longs for age-mates. He claims it doesn’t bother him, but I know it does…and that he’s very lonely and very unhappy. Hopefully a well-chosen college with the right social fit will make a difference, but what do I do until then?</p>

<p>Can you help me help him?? My eyes are filled with tears as I sit typing this, listening to him on his game system with his cell phone right at his side waiting for the call that rarely comes or the IM that he hopes will invite him to have a life. I would ordinarily throw some money at the problem, especially now that it’s summer and a beach trip would be fun…but husband is unemployed now…so with all the stress that that brings and the lack of funds, dear son gets to see all his friends go to FL or upstate NY or NC, etc., while he sits and waits for the life that never seems to come for him. I am heartbroken for him.</p>

<p>I love you people, and really value your advice.</p>

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<p>What are his other interests? Is it possible that, by volunteering or getting a part-time job in some field that intrigues him, he might meet peers outside of his schoolmates who value the same things and who can see the goodness and specialness in your son? Some of my older son’s best friends have been the peers he’s met through his community service volunteer work. Perhaps encouraging your son to look for something like this would give him a wider base of friendship possibilities.</p>

<p>Not to mention that it’s hard to sit in front of a TV or game system if you’re out doing something with others in the community. I’m willing to be there <em>are</em> others who are not rude and competitive, and would love to know your sweet son. He may just be narrowing the field of possibilities too much, too soon. Good luck…</p>

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<p>What often happens is that a kid who is more mature, and less “silly” may not get included. And sometimes, “friends” are doing things that your son won’t, and those “friends” may not want to be judged for doing some bad things. If you get my meaning. This may not be true in your son’s case, but I have seen it happen. A group of kids, for instance, are drinking, drag racing, whatever, and when they know the evening may lead to that, may not want to include the smart kids who want nothing to do with it. </p>

<p>Get son involved in service work. Take him out of himself to fill the time. Maybe a part time job. His friends are not great it seems, so he needs to move on. What clubs is he involved in school? For instance, doing stage crew for the plays, musicals etc, will create a whole new circle of friends, and they have to be there, they paint together, they work at the plays at night, it takes up time, and most of those kids are usally very welcoming, its the nature of the theater. Also, what clubs are at school- spirit clubs,bowling clubs, movie clubs. Your son sounds great, but to his “friends” maybe he comes across as not cool. Which, from you description of your area, would be a good thing to not be just like everyone else.</p>

<p>He needs to just put himself out there, but in a way that helps others-helping others opens so many doors. My Ds have met the best people by doing community service. The people, of all ages, are genuinelly kind, caring and want to meet others and make new friends. Maybe all he meets won’t be his age, but sometimes the connections can lead to other things.</p>

<p>Your son needs to dump those “friends” its easier to pretend they don’t exist then to feel rejected.</p>

<p>When my D was in middle school she had a best friend. Then the usaul mean girl thing happened. My D would Instance Message her, call her, make plans, that kind of thing, and would get left out. It was really hard when "friend’ was signed on IM and my D would say hi, and this little twit would ignore my D. I suggested to my D to remove her fomr her list and block her. It was a small gesture, but not seeing the name, not asking, not having any communication, was better than the rejection from that little twit. </p>

<p>Then, my D was more open to other kids, she wasn’t associated with that twit anymore, and other kids were friendlier to her. It was rough, to acknowlegde the loss of a former friend, but it was needed.</p>

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<p>MOOTMOM -</p>

<p>Thanks for your reply. DS is involved in community service work. Over the summer, the outdoor service work has been difficult to keep up with because of the scorching temperatures. There are two other groups he works with: one can’t seem to meet on a regular enough schedule and is about 12-15 miles away…fun when it meets, but not conducive to ongoing close friendships. The other group meets close by, but most of the the kids don’t seem to be a match for DS (but time will tell). Son gave up competitive swimming in part because he didn’t like the kids he swam with…too immature, too mouthy, too risky, too mean. I guess I’ll keep encouraging him to volunteer and try new things.</p>

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<p>CITYGIRLSMOM -
Thank you for your advice. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. My son is very funloving, but very “by the book”. He has a very highly developed moral code, and is very noble. He thinks a lot of his acquaintances are stupid in the way they act, and think, and brag.</p>

<p>Son is involved in Habitat for Humanity (but summer weather has been just too hot for fulltime commitment), and two other community service groups (one a good fit, but sporadic and relatively far away; the other close by, but not a really good fit). I’ll try to find more activities for him to try out. I liked your theatre idea very much. My son is too shy for front stage, but behind the scenes work might be good (I did that when I was in high school…and it was fun). As you suggested, S may come across as not cool, but he and I know that he is super cool because he’s really light year’s ahead of the others in terms of his maturity, sense of self, and social conscience. I wonder if this problem will even out in college. I sure hope so, because I know he’d very much like to have a circle to call his own.</p>

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<p>mootmom and cgm have it about right, IMO and OB you know that he needs to pull himself out of that chair and get anywhere there are people-old, young, likable, whatever. Explain it to him. “You don’t go out specifically looking for friends . Friends will find you.” As a kid who moved (a lot), I know that friendless and high school can’t be fun but it’s guaranteed to get worse without him making the turnaround. What about a part-time job? Two benefits there.</p>

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<p>CURMEDGEON -
Thank you for your comments. I’ll continue to do all I can to get him out there.</p>

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<p>I understand about your son. When I was in highschool, after moving just about every two years, I was the band geek, playing oboe and english horn and was good at math. Could I have been much nerdier? Oh, and I played Ultimate Frisbee when it was just starting.</p>

<p>What saved me was doing drama- behind the scenes, in the “pit”, something about theater. THe kids are generally very open and welcoming, and they get to go the the parties and hang out. My D loves it.</p>

<p>My D also went to a camp at a college for three weeks this summer. She met all kinds of kids who had similar passions. And were considered probably a bit geeky themselves. Being with so many kids that take things seriously can show you what is in your future, ie college.</p>

<p>Have you considered a class at a local college, any class, just to have that “feel” and to see there is a future for the serious, but fun loving, kid. And book readings, lectures, those kinds of things on campus can show Son what is in his future and where he will fit in. Having that to look forward to can get one through a rough time.</p>

<p>When my D came back, she was so happy. Kids who were interesting, had things in common. Being taught by college professors, it put everything in prospectitive and she sees what is in the future for her. The dramas of highschool now are, well, boring…</p>

<p>So check out a night class, an art class, something with people who are at a different place and aren’t just interested in partying…</p>

<p>It will work out. If you look at many succesfull people, they had hard highschool lives and found their places in college.</p>

<p>Oh yeah, my job in hs was at a lumber yard. While all my friends had jobs at the mall, I learned the parts of a toliet. </p>

<p>Something that he needs to do is dump the friends. There is something empowering by doing it first. Saying no to them Not asking them. Taking back that control feels good. Think about it. When my Ds stop calling the rude friends and stopped counting on them for anything, it felt good. </p>

<p>Think of that old boyfriend who you really liked but treated you like dirt. It was more habit to want him than really liking him and when you realized that and didn’t work at it, it felt heavenly to not concern yourself with that idiot anymore. ANd then when you were free suddenly other people were interested…</p>

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<p>yeah the area i live in is like that, im 17 and in middle school i wasnt too popular, now in high school im pretty popular and i get all the beautiful women. here are some pointers</p>

<p>-get him to be a baller in something cool, like bmx, or basketball, something that people will look up to him for</p>

<p>-kids are *******s sometimes, no matter what u do sometimes they will never like you, u said he has this group of “friends” that ditch him and stuff. WELL TRY TO TELL YOUR SON TO GET NEW FRIENDS, this will be a good help, dont get caught up with those guys, they seem like dickweeds.</p>

<p>-Whoever said try to get into community service or something you are completely wrong, you are dead wrong, that will make u more nerdy/geeky trust me. Making friends takes so long, its an extremely long process, so give it time.</p>

<p>-WHO SAYS YOUR SON NEEDS FRIENDS!?!?!?! Where i am from nobody hangs out, nobody chills, every is just at their own house doing their own thing, it is completely normal for a kid to sit back behind his computer.</p>

<p>-it seems like ur son may be too critical of others and he treats them as inferior people and then those guys dont like him. so maybe he doesnt communicate with those guys the way they want to be communicated to</p>

<p>-“Son is really a wonderful, dear heart…quiet but friendly and funny and easy going and just a good soul…very warm and loving, very tender” woman, all mothers think of their sons like that, but let me be honest with you, there is a reason he has no friends, maybe he is mean to them, maybe he doesnt know how to talk to them, whatever the reason is, you should know by now, you were pretty vague anyway in your message so im just throwing out some general advice, the only reason i replied was cus i felt bad that u cried.</p>

<p>ok now tell your son he is handsome and that he is strong, and that he is smart, keep making him feel good. and then try to get him to go on dates with women, trust me, if you can get on dates with women, especially hot women then his confidence with be 100 times better and then it would radiate and people would think he is cool, cus there are some hella ugly girls at our school but they are confident and guys like em, so i guess if your son is confident everyone will like him</p>

<ul>
<li>and try to get ur husband involved, i think its best when guys go through being the not cool or not popular kid, that the mom should just shut her mouth, and then the dad should talk to the son in a calm manner, cus my mom was so bad at talking to me, and my dad was more chill. get your husband to make him into a man, take him paintballing, or hunting, go camping.</li>
</ul>

<p>if your son plays acordion or does ballet or anything like that get him out of doing it asap</p>

<p>aight im gonna head out, hopes this helps from a teenager’s perspective. ok also try to get him cooler clothes too, but dont turn him into a metro, aight later mom ill check back and see if i can drop any more advice</p>

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<p>CITYGIRLSMOM -</p>

<p>Thanks once again for your post. While son isn’t particularly geeky (brainiac), he is very straight. He is definitely serious and cautious by nature. If you’ve seen my other “drama queen” posts you will see that we’ve anguished about a lot of family problems recently and we’ve anguished about college admissions. Fortunately, son heard last week that he was accepted EA for fall 2006 at his top-pick, a wonderful, small southern LAC…a warm and friendly and supportive environment. I had hoped for this to give him something to get him through until then.</p>

<p>It’s been frustrating because it seems that so many of the activities that he’s been hooked into have tanked. I like the idea of art and theatre, though I think son may balk. I remember in middle school how much he liked to draw, and how much he liked his art teacher. I’m sure a return to that would be a nice outlet for him.</p>

<p>Son has a very full senior year agenda and won’t have a lot of free time, so I don’t think community college classes would be feasible, but a workshop type class maybe in digital photography or art or theatre might be ok. That’s encouraging. Thanks.</p>

<p>Regarding the “friends”, son has already started to pull away. He now waits on their calls, but as often as not they call, set something up, then disappear, or use him as filler until their real activities begin. It’s heartbreaking. A long time ago, I asked one of my dear friends who started a family at least 15 years before I did, what was the hardest part about being a parent. She said it was watching her children realize how nasty some parts of life can be…because you can’t change it and you can’t make the initial pain go away. I will take your advice and encourage my son to say no more often…to stand his ground. I know that since he stopped calling one of the kids, the kid has been calling him more…still not a reliable friend, but at least the worm has turned a bit.</p>

<p>Thanks so much for your heartfelt post. I really needed a lifeline today.</p>

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<p>edit on that community service thing, comm service is not the place to meet cool people, it is no replacement for the feeling u get chilling with a group of guys</p>

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<p>My D was like this even in kindergarten, (she was the by the rules class policewoman) and thought most things the kids did were silly. Your story reads like my D’s to a “t”. So, I became Girl Scout leader, and she has been best friends with 4 of the girls since 1st grade. I consider them all my “daughters.” So, what about this group that is great, but meets far away, etc.? Volunteer your house for a meeting. Get the kids to come to him. Snacks and drinks don’t cost much, and just might help by getting the other kids used to coming to your house. D was in drama, too, on stage and behind, and she loved her time there. We did some community theater. It was free. They always need volunteers. Good luck. The worst part was seeing DD hurt and sharing the pain with her. I know how you feel. Your kid is great, more mature, etc., and yes, things get better in college. There really are abunch of these kids out there, and they will find each other there.</p>

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<p>

You’re quite wrong on that assumption, Laser. Sorry if community service in your area is a lame thing with non-cool people: just don’t assume it’s that way for everyone, k? My kid and his friends did some amazing-cool things and they have great fun… during <em>and</em> after their project time. You’re welcome to speak for yourself, but try not to generalize away an entire avenue of potential friends for OB’s son.</p>

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<p>LASER -
Thanks for the perspective you brought in your post. A lot of it makes sense.</p>

<p>Going through your points, one by one:
– son used to be highly ranked swimmer, then dropped it (lots of reasons)…was not used to all the free time (with elite swimming you have none) and so has bumbled around a bit trying to find out what to do.
– I’ll promise that we’ll not overdo the community service, but son does like construction stuff and law enforcement related stuff
– Interesting thought that he doesn’t really need bunches of friends. Son does seem content to watch TV, or do online gaming, or computer stuff. Again, probably still the need to fill the large amount of free time he’s not accustomed to having. Didn’t realize just chillin at home on the PC, etc. was so popular.
–I don’t think that son is too critical of others, but I’m pretty confident that he just doesn’t know what to say sometimes…particularly if he feels some discomfort with the group. One on one he’s usually pretty good…in groups he tends to be a lot more quiet.
–I liked your next comment…irreverent but humorous…you’re right though…moms are like that…they love their sons profoundly. To answer your question…I think my son is just very quiet around groups and around people who make him feel uncomfortable. Though he’s no brainiac, he does tend to have very gifted friends (go figure). He interacts just fine around me…but I’m safe turf. I don’t know what happens when he’s out there, but I assume it’s his quiet, sometimes “deer in the headlights” ways that limit him.
– I will continue to praise him and remind him of all the wonderful qualities he has. It’s nice to hear that advice from someone his age…sometimes it’s easy for a parent to buy into the notion that sons don’t need to hear it. As far as dating goes, he has been on a few dates, but nothing lasting…oddly very few of his friends or “friends” date…doesn’t seem to be a priority with the group yet, which has always struck me as a bit odd. Broader dating will eventually evolve…in college probably…but I think that increased confidence can also be found in other ways not simply through dating.
– regarding fatherly involvement…that’s not much of a possibility in our family sad to say…that’s why I’ve been so involved in his life…being both mom and dad…and knowing that as he gets older I need to move out of the picture…and I’ve tried to do just that by encouraging to pursue outside interests where he comes in regular contact with good guys. Laser, can I ask you what about the relationship with your mom that didn’t work and what was it about the relationship with your dad that did?? I find this part of your post very interesting.
– also, son isn’t into ballet or accordian, etc.
– son looks cool…dresses well. What’s “metro”? is that preppy? I’m old.</p>

<p>Laser, really appreciated the teenager’s perspective on things. I remember being a teenager as a really difficult time…I experienced a good deal of what son is going through because my family was quite poor, I dressed awful, and because I was smart I was placed among kids that came from really wealthy families and with whom I had absolutely nothing in common with. When I got to college, I reinvented myself along the lines of what I wanted to be and it was great. I hope it works that way for son.</p>

<p>Thanks, again…appreciate your post. Can I play mom and say that you’re a good person?</p>

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<p>EVITAJR1 -
Thank you for your post. I agree that observing the problem is really trying because you want everything to be wonderful for your kids. I think that part of the reason my non-brainic son melds so well with gifted kids is because they too are more serious about life and have similar elevated social conscience. I agree with you that college will be better because hopefully by then DS will have better people skills and the people will be beyond the foolishness and pettiness of high school.</p>

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<p>MOOTMOM -
I agree with you that volunteerism can be a great thing for kids. For my son it’s also an opportunity to learn new things and follow his passions. It’s an opportunity to forget about what’s going on in your own life, and focus on helping someone else with theirs.</p>

<p>I can also see where Laser is coming from. If he resides in the same area we do, volunteerism is seen as uncool. A lot of these kids and their families sadly are too inwardly focused to care about the community and too wealthy to perform the services they feel are beneath them. Their loss.</p>

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<p>moot i live in the bay area, anyways ive met some of the cookiest/nerdiest/socially inept people at volunteer places (ex. the tech museum), maybe your son was one of them, but in general school is the best place to meet people</p>

<p>orange metro is short for metrosexual, basically a guy who cares way too much about the way he looks etc… almost gay feminine</p>

<p>anyways orange dont feel bad for your son, like trust me every single kid i know has been made fun of, or harassed, or owned, or not have friends or something to that extent in their life, some more than others, just be reminded that what your son is going through is a phase</p>

<p>every kid goes through phases. i knew this guy who was completely nerdy his entire life, and then junior year in high school he became pretty cool, he retained straight A’s and everyone loved him</p>

<p>dont worry about ur son dont cry or anything too, just remember its completely normal for him to want to be accepted, and to be rejected.</p>

<p>cus ive been around those cool kids, and some of them have problems so big aka the do pot/drink/sex, so everyone has their problems, just dont think your son is weird or anything. he may be shy but whatever give him some time, i some how feel that <em>you indirectly, or directly hinted/pressured/mentioned his lack of friends or something</em> I dont know why u are making a big deal out of it cus i was talking to some friends, and about 90% of the people ive been talking to lately have said they haven’t hung out at all during summer. so its cool, and dont feel bad that he doesnt hang out or whatever i have no idea why u think he needs to or he should.</p>

<p>ok my mom is hella cool i have the best family on earth, everything is good, i just dont like it when moms try to play psychologists, ok let me be direct.</p>

<p>cus when u tell a girl “I am tired” they start to analyze everything that maybe u are tired of them, or you just dont want to talk or u hate them, or you are avoiding them. When a guy says he is tired it means he is tired that’s all</p>

<p>women tend to analyze everything, while men just go with the flow, so in terms of that, dont be so critical of your son i still dont know why u expect him to go out and stuff, my brother didnt start hanging out with friends until his senior year, and he was one of the most popular guys in school. just because he doesnt hang out doesnt mean hes not popular or people hate him, it just means he didnt hang out that’s all.</p>

<p>dont try to approach him and make him feel like him not going out is a problem, cus i barely see my friends outside of school, i get invited to do stuff alot but i differ, because i hate going out, im just an indoors guy, i dont liek spending $8 to go see a movie, but if its playing bball at a friend’s house ill go</p>

<p>so just chill, dont cry, and dont check this thread too often, be patient with your son. ive realized that gifted kids as opposed to non-braniacs are often times very easy to communicate with, so maybe ur kid is complicated so just be patient and love him, and dont kiss him and tell him u love him like all the time, maybe a little not too much, and most of all treat him like a man, dont treat him like a little boy</p>

<p>ok evitajr1 u are dead wrong, maybe that kind of stuff works if you are a girl, but that is so bad i would never do that. Orange listen to me your son is a young man, u gotta eliminate the mom variable asap, let him find his own friends, and let him deal with his problems, if u do what evitajr1 did for a bunch of little girls for a group of guys, your son will be called a ■■■■■.</p>

<p>and dont use “my son is more mature than others” as an excuse for him not having friends, i know this guy who is so mature and is very respectable, but hes kicking it all the time</p>

<p>aight last post for the day, peace mamas</p>

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<p>I almost cried when I read this, because your son reminds me of how I felt back in middle school. Atleast your son is in the senior year of high school, he really needs to find a school that will match his personality, so that high school doesn’t follow him to college. </p>

<p>The reason why I had no true friends back in middle school was because I was mature, and many people would accuse me of trying to act “white”, because I was in the accelerated classes. Fortunately, it got better in high school, instead of seeing me as “acting white” guys saw me as exotic, and different from all the girls they knew…that in turn made the girls from m old middle school dislike me even more. But, I finally didn’t care, and I moved on in my life…they come asking to be my friend, and I know I can never be their friends, because they only want to move up in rank in the social ladder, instead of truly being friends with for who I am on the inside. </p>

<p>Your son is more mature than his fellow classmates, and people don’t like what is not the norm for them, therefore causing your son not to have that many friends. People transfer or move in their senior year, so maybe he can make friends with new people. He can make friends with like-minded people at his volunteer activities. Also, the way you described your area…it seems like volunteering isn’t considered cool (which was already mentioned in another post). Don’t try to fix the problem, because trust me, he wouldn’t want any help in this situation. Be patient for the year, and make sure you choose a college that has students who are on the same wavelength as your son. Best of luck toyou and your son, and he honestly does sound like a great guy.</p>

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<p>Your son just needs to find “his people”. That can happen as you say in the OP at a college that’s chosen well. I found mine at a well chosen high school, and was lucky that my parents could afford to make that investment now, because I was not about to relate to any of the high schools in my home city and the values therein.</p>

<p>He may have to look harder where he is, it sounds like he’s trying to connect with the wrong kids. He needs to look at possibilities at the school and see where he really relates. If nothing there, outside affinity groups. </p>

<p>But don’t worry. Many kids who ar different im good ways hate high school (how sad is that?) but they survive and find their real peers in college.</p>

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<p>I felt bad when I read your post. I have a similar kid - in that I think he avoids some social situations because he just doesn’t want to have to deal with drinking, drugs, or whatever. He does have friends, but he is generally a stay-at-home type kid.</p>

<p>I think one thing that happens to kids (especially in communities like you’ve described yours to be) is they decide that they only want to hang out with a certain class of kids. This voids any possibility of their having friends with kids who might actually be much better suited for them. Not much you can do about that though.</p>

<p>The other thing is that I think AS MOTHERS it is very hard for us to analyze boys’ lives. They just aren’t like us and don’t think like we did as girls. Interactions that look like major brush offs are often just clueless behavior. Your son may be more sensitive to situations like that, but the other boys may not be giving it even one second of thought. (I’m not trying to say that his “friends” are good though.) I guess I’m trying to make the point that you should be careful how much of your angst you communicate to him, as you might be seeing things completely different than him.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, as hard as it is, sometimes we just can’t “fix” our kids’ lives. There are always going to be kids who have to sort of make their own way. (They frequently turn out to be great adults!) How lucky he is to have a supportive family. Thank god the whole world is NOT like high school - and he’s almost done!</p>