<p>I also have more of a home based son, who spends too much time on his computer. I would rather have that than what some of his peers (not friends) are up to doing. I hear some drive across state lines and with more than one friend in the car (illegal under 18). Some have gone on 5-6 hour road trips in the winter where there can be quite a bit of snow and ice. He asked me if he can go on one of these trips and stay in a friend’s family condo and I said no. We did not have any arguement about it. He has avoided the drugs and alcohol at parties. He has friends, but the friends he has play basketball and are into computer games for the most part. I know where he is and what he is doing when he is not working. He is not taking silly risks and I am not tearing up at all; he really is very happy. Over the summer he has gone to a couple of late night movies, and has played some computer games from evening until sunrise. He has also gone to a couple of poker games where the kids gamble for 5 dollars. I am so happy that we have gone through most of the teen years now, and there have not been any problems. I am so grateful. The nights out are not planned too much in advance. They get together often at a moments notice. Sometimes they have gone to someone’s home and just stayed in and baked cookies (all boys). Occasionally they go out for dinner or ice cream, or order in. That is the extent of their summer fun.</p>
<p>My son had this problem. In part it was related to going to a school 15 miles away from most of his classmates. He solved the problem by getting new friends. Really. He became close to those he was involved with in religious activites, most of whom lived nearby. He made the last year of his high school much more pleasant for him.</p>
<p>I have two reactions, FWIW:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>have you considered clinical depression?</p></li>
<li><p>as a Dad, I found it natural to ask whether you yourself are doing too much to resolve the problem? You certainly seem to be heavily involved. That is understandable, but are you perhaps, while being loving and meaning well, also communicating that he can’t take care of things himself and so you must step in? He is, after all, nearing adulthood.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Is there a rescue squad in your area? My son, also an excellent swimmer, found that work to be challenging and meaningful. And he made new friends and met a lot of stimulating adults.</p>
<p>OrangeBlossom - While not exactly the same, there are parallels to some things we experienced with our S. In our case, he has always had excellent friends (definition = friends WE like :D). However, he has also spent a lot of alone time, not initiating social activities, sometimes turning down invites and then getting fewer invites - even just to “hang out.” It was to the point early in Jr. year that we had observed him going nowhere and doing nothing social for almost the first 6 weeks of school. Mucho time with the electronics, AIM, etc. We worried that S might be lonely and left out.</p>
<p>A good friend recommended consulting the school Social Worker, whom she knew to be an excellent resource. This turns out to be true. SSW is in a position to discreetly observe interaction with peers, to discreetly check in with faculty on how kid is doing socially and in all peer relationships. SSW also has the professional background to advise parent and/or kid.</p>
<p>What we found out: S had perfectly fine social interactions at school. SSW commented that many kids (as other posters have suggested) “opt out” of social activities as a healthy way of avoiding bad situations (drinking, other substances,…). This may well be true of your S - it’s hard, sometimes, for us moms to see a positive in the aloneness, but it IS possibly a good thing.</p>
<p>While we were reassured by this perspective, it didn’t solve the problem of S spending so much “loner” time. We weren’t sure of the effectiveness of forcing S to go out and socialize. SSW gave us the concept of “balance” to use. So, we spoke to S - without making it a big deal - and told him that we did not wish to have to ban him from the electronics, AIM etc. or even to give him a specific limit. However, we told him he needed to exhibit balance in his life - starting now and as a lifelong skill - some physical activity, some social activity, some alone time. If we didn’t see the balance, we would have to create it ourselves.</p>
<p>In our case, S responded. He still might not be as much of a social being as we would like, but the balance is better.</p>
<p>I realize the situation has some significant differences from yours. But the idea of asking S to achieve some balance, and the idea of using your SSW as a sounding board may be transferable.</p>
<p>Keep us posted. It hurts to feel a child is socially floundering. Glad we can be resources to each other.</p>
<p>
I really don’t think that this sounds like your son at all. He may be depressed from having a lack of social life, but that is sure to change as he makes the transition from high school to college. </p>
<p>I can understand everything that your son is going through. I am going to be a sophomore in college this fall, but high school was a very difficult time for me. I was VERY involved with school (debate, student council, yearbook, volunteering, etc.) but I just couldn’t seem to make any real friends. I was in a weird position. I was too wealthy and well dressed to be considered a nerd, so I could never be thrown in with that group. On the other hand, I wasn’t quite cool enough to be part of the cooler group, so I was stuck in limbo all through high school. </p>
<p>My parents, also, tried to solve the problem by throwing money my way as well. I was sent to many different camps (where I actually did make many friends, unfortunately, all away from home, but it was good to be around people like me). They bought me a lot of clothes, designer purses, and took me on trips. I have to say that while it was temporarily satisfying, it could never solve anything for more than a short period of time. It did, however, help to sustain me through high school. But more than the money that was being spent was that I knew that my parents loved me so much and wanted me to be happy, and that meant so much to me. Having them gave me the courage to go far away for college (I’m from Oregon, I go to UT - Austin). Also, they continued to remind me that college is an entirely different environment, and it is the place where students find their friends, their niche, but most importantly, discover that they’re not so awkward after all. And, as promised by my parents, that is what I discovered, and have never been happier. </p>
<p>I’m so sorry that he has to go through this, because I know that it can be very painful. I think that it would be a good idea to get him to start volunteering or even get a job. Not necessarily to meet people, but it is good to keep occupied, and keep your mind off high school issues. Don’t tell him to “try harder” to make more friends or “be more outgoing” because it’s really not helpful at all. Just tell him that you love him, support him, and that he has to keep faith that things will change for him, and that college will be an entirely new world for him. He just has to hold out until then.</p>
<p>I just want to say I know what your son is going through. I’m a rising senior as well and having the same sort of friend problems. The people who have really gotten me through the rough patches have been my parents, especially my father. They have been there for me and given me the support and friendship I needed. They’ve become my best friends, as cliche as that sounds. Parents can be pretty good friends. </p>
<p>He just has to make it through this one year and then he can start over as good as new. College is a fresh start. Instead of worrying about friends and what plans they are making I have dedicated all my extra time and effort to my work. I’ve started checking out multiple books at a time and reading on the weekends instead of going out to the movies. </p>
<p>He should try and get his mind off the friends and worry about the more important things in life. In 10 years from now high school won’t matter and it will just be a thing of the past. He should instead concentrate on school work, volunteer work, sports if he plays them and family. That is what will help him out later in life. My father always told me the only people you can trust are your family. That makes them good friends to have. </p>
<p>Hope that helps.</p>
<p>LASER - You’re wise beyond your years. Thanks for your suggestions. You really are quite perceptive. I value your observations.</p>
<p>THESIREN72102 & SUZE - Thanks for your encouragement. I agree…college should be a better experience for him; it was for me.</p>
<p>WEENIE - Laser alluded to the fact that it’s bad to bring too much worry to a situation that will resolve itself naturally, that doing so does more harm than the original problem, and that moms/women tend to overanalyze and hover. Our family has had so much broken about it over the years that I guess that has set me up as “super protector”…another role I don’t need to play and one my son can do without…so that role is gone. :O)</p>
<p>NORTHEASTMOM - Thanks for your comments. They make me feel much better because they let me feel our situation is pretty normal. Maybe I had been judging “normal” as being measured against the frenetic standard of the area in which we live. Interesting.</p>
<p>TSDAD - I’m sure part of the problem was that we relocated into the area in which we now live several years ago, but DS always had “shortage” of close friends. We’ll keep positive and not stress out so much over it. Thanks for your post.</p>
<p>ADAD - Don’t believe that son is clinically depressed. Yes, I think I’m over involved and will pull back (our family has gone through some very hard times over the years and I think that put my mothering skills on steroids…time to withdraw now). Rescue squad sounds like excellent idea…DS loves the police/fire/rescue stuff. Thanks…</p>
<p>JMMOM - Sounds like you had a nice approach to your son’s situation. I think when DS quit swimming, it left a large time void that just will take a while to fill. He was very courageous to do that…though I still don’t understand it. I’ll emphasize the balance aspect and really try to keep it light. Thanks.</p>
<p>FUNKYFUNNYBUNNY - Thanks for weighing in. I particularly appreciate input from teens because you’ve recently lived what DS is going through. I’m glad college is working out so well for you. You sound like a great person. UT is a pretty big pond…you’ll have your pick of fish there. I’ll keep it light, and I have been telling him that college will be much more to his liking. Appreciate your post. Have fun this fall!</p>
<p>SCARLETLEAVY - What a great person you are. You’re so smart to focus on what matters in life and letting the other pieces of the puzzle just fall into place on their own. You sound like you have a wonderful family. I come from a very ethnic background that highly stresses the importance of family. Your comments really hit home. I share your views. Thank you so much for posting. Lots of luck to you in the future.</p>
<p>APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR POSTS! OB</p>
<p>Friends are a funny thing. We go through life calling almost everyone we meet friend, because we don’t call people enemies and we feel that it is kind of cold to just refer to them as someone I know. The reality is that we know a whole lot of people but we really only have a hand full of friends the ones that always have your back no matter what. In the it is all about the quality of the realationships not just how many people you know. </p>
<p>You say that your son waits by the phone. That could be part of the problem because relationships are give and take. No one wants to feel that they are doing all of the work in keeping the realtionship going. You would be suprised at how high maintenance some low maintenance peopel are. If he wants to hang out with someone, sometimes he’s gottabe the one to pick up the phone also to make the first move. </p>
<p>While Laser did not state it in the most eloquent way (but hey were were all probably straight shooters when we were his/her age so I’m not mad at him/her) your son does have to think about what he is putting out there and how he is coming across to people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being noble, honorable or doing the right thing, but you don’t want to come off in a way that your air is so rare.</p>
<p>Your son is also going to find out that he has different realtionships with different people and it’s ok to cultivate those realtionships. Yes, its good to have friends that are basically no worry and have a good time with. It is also great to have friends that you can share your darkest secrets and contemplate the meaning of life with. Everyone needs one friend who is a deep as a kiddy pool because they too help to keep you balanced.</p>
<p>I agree with Suze, for your son it is about finding his niche and he will. The great thing about being a teen ager is that it passes pretty quickly (not easily but quickly). I am going to leave you with an note that one of my really good friends sent to me as it made me laugh out loud in agreement, because for almost 30 years she has been that kind of friend to me. hey, i have even found some virtual ones on sinners alley that I feel the same way about.</p>
<p>Don’t worry, hopefully your son will have one of these kind of friends too. </p>
<p>Are you tired of all those sissy “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship: </p>
<ol>
<li><p>When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ■■■■■■■ who made you sad. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. </p></li>
<li><p>When you smile - I will know you’ve finally had sex. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are confused - I will use little words. </p></li>
<li><p>When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don’t want whatever you have. </p></li>
<li><p>When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy a**. </p></li>
<li><p>When you’re hung over - I will help you to the toilet, and then I will point and laugh, use loud but short words, and tell you to quit whining. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>This is my oath…I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask.</p>
<p>Because you are my friend. </p>
<p>Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn’t speaking to you right now anyway.</p>
<p>A good friend will help you move. A really close friend will help you move a body. </p>
<p>Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!</p>
<p>
I’m sorry to keep picking on your comments, Laser, because some of the things you say are reasonable. But really, get your head out of the sand on this one. “Socially inept”? Can you say, “Let’s perpetuate stereotypes”? Young people who participate in non-paid work in the community, be it Habitat or the Tech Museum or Second Harvest or a senior or daycare center or a church group or litter pick-up or you name it, won’t be doing it for long if they alienate or irritate those whom they’re helping or working with. Maybe they don’t chill the way you think is cool: maybe your definition of “cool” could use more broadening and less peer pressure.</p>
<p>My point is that someone who only finds friends through school is needlessly restricting their potential friend pool and losing out on what might be some really life-affirming and growing experiences. And having fun in the process.</p>
<p>OB, it does sound as if your son is still finding his way back to a new norm after quitting his swimming. Laser is right that it takes time to make new friends, but as others have pointed out, eventually they’ll come to <em>him</em> when he’s in situations where he’s comfortable and thriving. When <em>he</em> is happy, others will likely sense that and he’ll find like-minded friends.</p>
<p>LOL, sybbie, that’s hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh!</p>
<p>I had been pushing my son to have more friends and to get out more. He, too, is a homebody. He recently got into some trouble with his “new friends”. He has never ever even been close to being in trouble in the past. I blame myself for making him feel that he needed to have more friends- no matter what. He has since gone back to his old ways of hanging with the family, working a little and doing lots of reading etc. I’m happy to have him home now. Be careful what you wish for. I think I made him feel that he was “different”. Such a mistake!</p>
<p>Sybbie -that was funny!
Burlmom -I agree about being careful about what you wish for! That is what I was conveying as well, and why I am not tearful when he is in front of the computer or baking cookies on a Sat. night- I know where he is! I don’t worry about his judgement, but do worry about them driving while tired at 1:00am while coming back from a movie or concert.
Orangeblossom, I am glad you feel better. I have a cousin who’s kid is in NYC at clubs and the evening begins after 10 pm and they get back at a crazy hour. First of all, I don’t know how she gets into clubs at 18, and secondly I would rather have my son at a buddy’s ordering in chinese food for a night’s excitement. What I am saying is count your blessings too, and as burlmom said, be careful what you wish for.</p>
<p>Reading your description of your son really brought back some memories from 8-9-10th grade. Right now I am a senior (in HS) and while I would like to say that all of the kids at school came around and now carry me on their shoulders throughout the hallways, that never really happens. The people at your son’s school already have their opinion of him and very little he can do will change that. Some kids try and become “cool” via drugs in order to change their standing, it shows good parenting that your son has not. </p>
<p>Now enough with the bad news, here’s the good news…Its just a freakin high school, one group of people out of a mamouth pool. I strongly agree with the people who suggest volunteerism, I found an excellent network of friends, some of the my age, and some of them adults through volunteering at my towns ambulance squad. In addition my “best friend” moved away years ago but I still visit him during the summer and christmas. I also have had the opportunity to go on teen travel programs as well as a program at Brown this summer. The people you meet at these places treat based on their impressions, so its a whole new chance to network and make friends.</p>
<p>Finally I think with maturity I have come to realize that sitting on the couch with my family for one night is not a “failure”. Try to build up a good network of out of school friends, visit them when you can and don’t worry, college is just a round the corner</p>
<p>SYBBIE719 - What a hoot! At an appropriate time, I’ll gently engage son in talk about putting himself out there and impressions. I know that when I was his age I was absolutely poor and geeky, didn’t really fit with any group, then in college I revinvented myself into the image I thought I really was…it worked and I had tons of friends…and it brought me out of my shell. Thanks.</p>
<p>MOOTMOM - Agreed, I’ll help him to find a happy, confident place…that should go a long way toward helping him put himself out there. Thanks. Laser’s got a good heart and is right on about a lot that surrounds this issue. I can see why he might be biased against volunteer types because we have come in contact with some groups whose participants are flat out weird…but I think it has more to do with who happened to show up rather than the nature of volunteerism itself.</p>
<p>BURLMOM - Point well taken…be careful what you wish for…you’re right, a number of the kids that are in my son’s orbit but not friends do all the “bad” things…not something my son wants (hallelujah!). Thanks for sharing.</p>
<p>NORTHEASTMOM - That’s what I love about these boards…I can always count on someone (many someones) to slap me across the face and say “girl, wake up…this is how it is”. You guys always pull me back to a normal and peaceful place. Thank you.</p>
<p>TILOS787 - You guys are wonderful…so much wisdom so early in life. I love the fact that you guys see life so clearly. Yes, high school is a time to experiment and mold the persona that best fits. I guess all this experimentation pays off when you enter college with a clearer understanding of self and then are better able to develop a social group. I really don’t know how we parents can get to this advanced age and lose track of the simple truths you teens seem to have nailed down so well. I appreciate your post; I’ll keep encouraging the volunteerism he’s most interested in and let things evolve as they will. TILOS, have you decided where you’d like to attend college? Brown is a wonderful school; you must be very accomplished. My wish for you is happiness and success, but most of all happiness! Thanks.</p>
<p>Here is a true story…when I was younger, but an adult, I had a boyfriend. He wasn’t exactly mean, but he had a way of controlling the relationship- time spent together, where to go, making the plans, etc. And would often “flake” out on me. I would patiently wait, didn’t make other plans, “just in case”. Well, one day, I said this is just stupid. Enough is enough. I screened my calls. I didn’t return his calls. When I did, I told him no, I was busy. One day he came over, and I did not let him in. It felt sooooo good. I finally saw the relationship for what it was. It wasn’t a relationship. i was convienent when it suited him.</p>
<p>Now, I do realize this is with a guy and his friends, but if they have shown their true colors and been flaking, unreliable and in some ways cruel by excluding Son or the like, its time to not wait for calls. Its time to go to the movies, run a mile, go to the pool, not be there to not get the calls. </p>
<p>I just got back from my morning walk. Some kids had a kegger and trashed the local park- bottles, cups, garbage, food, and they tried to hide the keg in the bushes. Lovely. </p>
<p>Sometimes those friends are doing that, and they don’t want a straight kid around who doesn’t think that is a cool way to chill. Some guys, and not, but some can only chill with drugs and alcohol, and if that is not what son is into, he won’t be included. </p>
<p>My D hates justs wondering with no plan. She gets teased by her friends for wanting to have a plan or something. To just wander the streets doesn’t appeal to her. So when some of her friends say, hey, we are over here hanging out on the corner, she says no. </p>
<p>And, I too live in the bay area. We have met some of the best people volunteering. And while you may not find the perfect frients, you only get out what you put in. If you go in with an attitude that these are all geeky people, or not my type, thats is what you will find. If you go in with, hey, these people are different than my usual crowd, these people care about others, these people are actually putting themselves out there to make friends. </p>
<p>School starts soon, the time will be filled up. He has a great college to go to. That digital photo class is a great idea. Maybe son can take pictures of the sporting events at school, the rallies, etc. for the year book. Or for other school publications. You never know…</p>
<p>CITYGIRLSMOM - Thanks once again. I valued your story. Son, I believe, is coming around and getting sick up to here with the flakin’, etc. So, and I’ve encouraged him to do this, live your life…don’t wait around for people who suggest/make plans then bail at the last minute leaving you with nothing to do. Make yourself a little unavailable. It protects you and sends a clear message (if the flakes receivers are even switched on) that you are someone to be reckoned with. We’ve met weirdos and quality people volunteering but we go for the giving. We’ll try all your suggestions and just let time pass. Yes, college is soon. Thanks again! OB</p>
<p>Your son, unfortunately, is getting an important lesson in what a friend is and hopefully at some point it will actually help him find true friends.</p>
<p>When I was young I lived in a community where there were relatively few girls my age near where I lived (actually in a big city, but this was the neighborhood that defined my life at that time) - they were therefore my “friends.” I didnt really like most of them - and they could be quite nasty at times - but they were the ones there so they were my “friends.” I recall at the time my mother telling me something that didn’t make things better then, but looking back on it, it was one of the wisest things she ever said to me. When you are little, you are friends with whoever is nearby. In school, you become friends with people you are in school with. For the most part these friendships aren’t based on having anything in common other than location, age, and gender. As you get older and you have more choice as to where you socialize, you will meet people who share your common interests - it is then that you will find real friends. I met a group of friends in college as a result of being part of the same organization and they are still among my closest friends.</p>
<p>It sounds like your son is still at the stage of having friends based on location age and gender, rather than common interests. He needs to put himself where he will find other kids with whom he can share something in common. That can be a youth group through your house of worship, a drama club, etc.<br>
It’s like the old joke -
A: What are you looking for?
B: I lost a button.
A: Did it fall off here?
B: No, but the light is better here.
(OK - poor rendition of the joke - but hopefully you get the point).
You can’t find what you are looking for if it is not where you are looking even if where you are looking is the “comfortable easy” place to be looking.</p>
<p>Hopefully college will provide a great opportunity for your son to find a place where he can find people like him. And in the mean time, if he doesn’t have the time to find such a place now, maybe he at least can come to terms with the fact that these “friends” are just playmates at best - there are real friends out there waiting to be met.</p>
<p>"comm service is not the place to meet cool people "</p>
<p>Not everyone is looking to meet “cool people.” Lots of people are simply looking for nice, empathic people who have things in common with them. </p>
<p>For people who love doing things to help others, community service can be a wonderful way of meeting like minded people.</p>
<p>Not every guy is into hunting and doing steretypical “manly” things. Believe it or not, there also are males and females who like it when a guy is into the arts, academics or community service.</p>
<p>Despite some limitations in perspective pointed out above, I believe Laser could land a self-help book deal. Perhaps “Not For Pussies” would be a good title.</p>
<p>I am half serious here!</p>
<p>To Orange Blossom: nothing hurts more than watching your child struggle. Hang in there, he’ll figure things out… but I agree that face to face time instead of screen time will be the better for forming friendships. I think this electronic ipod time we’re living in now is quite alienating.</p>