Advice regarding grandparent favortism

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m looking for some serious advice here. It’s a difficult situation, and serious one, and I’d like our family to make the best decision that we can.</p>

<p>I have a mother-in-law who plays favorites, and my wife is not the favorite. She is kind and nice but not needy. We’re self supporting and take care of ourselves, and therefore, grandma would rather give to the ones who are basket cases, filing for bankruptcy, and constantly in need of her checkbook. I strongly disagree with the reasons for playing favorites, but that’s not something that I can choose.</p>

<p>A while back, the grandparents were concerned that she didn’t have a bed of her own (her parents couldn’t afford one because they bought video games instead), so they built a fancy-dancy bed for the little one to sleep in at night. She didn’t use it at night, but she did use it as a plaything during the daytime. It was homemade, delivered, moved several times, and has been well loved.</p>

<p>Recently, we got a call asking if we’d like to have it since the little granddaughter has outgrown it and it’s no longer needed.</p>

<p>My reaction is a clear no. The favorite siblings get everything new, we’re only offered used items after they’re done with them (hand me down stuff). Their granddaughter gets hundreds of dollars in gifts every year, ours is sometimes forgotten at holidays and receives little gifts. Or hand me downs of things that were left at grandmas house after a visit. So - giving us a hand me down bed when they got a brand new one is not reasonable in my opinion.</p>

<p>So, my question is do I:</p>

<p>A) Smile and nod, while politely declining, since my MIL will never change
B) Make it clear to her that we are not interested in hand me downs and would prefer that they are not even offered
C) Something else</p>

<p>(My wife will be the one to do the communicating, but I’m trying to figure out where my stance should be on this.)</p>

2

<p>“Thanks but we don’t want it”.</p>

<p>If you want to go a little further, add some comment including the word ‘unsanitary’.</p>

3

<p>“Our daughter has a bed of her own, thank you.”</p>

4

<p>When was your child born? Congrats! It sounds like the bed was offered sincerely, even if you take it as feeling like you are getting the short shrift. If your child (daughter?) is a relative newborn, you really haven’t had the opportunity to get many new gifts. Hand-me-downs are not ususual. They are usually appreciated. When your child was born, did your MIL get her any new gifts? Give savings bonds? Offer to help with food, babysitting, etc so your wife could get sleep? Rather than focusing on what she isnt doing, it might help you to focus on what she is doing. Maybe you can invite grandma to visit for a while and she will bond with her new grandchild as much as she has bonded with her other one(s). She may feel as unappreciated as you do. Just a thought. How old is your child?</p>

5

<p>I’m thinking the same way as Jym. If your daughter is still a baby, it is very early to be looking for patterns in her grandparents behavior and your child is too young to have hurt feeling over any of this. I would try VERY hard to establish a more positive relationship with your in laws as this will impact your D for the rest of her life. If yo don’t want the bed, thank them anyway. It’s possible that they think the bed is very special because it is handmade.<br>
I know it is very hard when you perceive that your child is being treated differently than the other children in the family but these are HER grandparents and she has the right to be allowed to form a relationship with them based on things other than the material. Try not to sabotage that relationship with the baggage that you have accumulated over the years.
If, as your child get older, and more cognizant, you see that there truly is favoritism and it is hurting your girl, deal with it then.</p>

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<p>wow your third paragraph comes across as pretty hostile. I would say no thank you and leave it at that. I understand rationally how you feel but the emotion wont help or change the situation. It will only keep you upset as they go on doing what they do best…bailing out irresponsible people.<br>
If your spouse feels as you do consider yourself lucky that you are on the same page. DH and I have been married a long time and weathered difficult family members including some we are estranged from by our choice. The saving grace has been that we are in agreement on it.</p>

7

<p>You have an opportunity here to enhance your child’s relationship with her grandmother, and set a good example for her in terms of personal relationships, by assuming good intent on the grandmother’s part. Deciding you don’t want gifts from the grandmother unless they’re on par with what she gives her other grandchildren is just going to bite all of you in the rear eventually.

Smiling and nodding is good! Since it’s your wife’s mother, I’d also cultivate the expression “Whatever seems right to you, dear.” And I’m speaking as the mother of less-favored grandchildren. It’s not a pleasant situation, but it’s absolutely unhelpful to act on your resentment.</p>

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<p>Maybe your MIL doesn’t favor your wife’s siblings as much as she feels the older grandchildren simply need more of her help at this time. The parents are, as you say, filing for bankruptcy. Whatever you think about the siblings or their bad choices, you can’t fault the grandmother for trying to help the grandchildren. In your place, I would remind myself that my child is the fortunate one and that parents (or grandparents) don’t always have to do all things split down the middle equally, all at the same time. If it truly gets to the point where it becomes obvious to your child (and not a question of necessities, like a bed) then your wife can and IMO should address the issue with her mother.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine how you’d feel in the place of one friend, who can afford to send her children to the colleges of their choices, and whose MIL helped her less affluent children do the same.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for your replies.</p>

<p>One thing I should say is that I’m not resentful about the simple fact that someone got something I didn’t…that’s actually far from the case.</p>

<p>What I’m actually resentful in life is that I see time and time again the other parents whining, sobbing, crying over their sad situation, and grandma tries to right the situation by sending checks. I just don’t agree with running around telling a sob story to get what you want.</p>

<p>the gifts - like a custom home bed or other things - are simply the physical manifestation of how they get what they want by telling their sob stories </p>

<p>And no, no one will ever change, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. it just frustrates me.</p>

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<p>If you like the bed, and it is still in good condition, I see no reason not to accept it.
You can share with your child that Grandma chose a very special bed that was passed down within the family.
IF you don’t like the bed, by all means decline. It will be appreciated by someone if donated to charity.</p>

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<p>As a mother-in-law myself, thank G-d my kid’s spouse isn’t like you. That “sounds” harsh I know, but you come across in your message as an arrogant p–, even if you aren’t one in real life. </p>

<p>Would you take this bed if it were offered to you by anyone else? If the answer is yes, then accept it. If the answer is no, then don’t. Don’t let the other “issues” cloud your decision. </p>

<p>Grandparents are a wonderful “invention.” I never had any and I used to be very jealous of people who did. No matter what you think of grandma, she’s your child’s grandmother and …who knows?..maybe the day will come when YOU and/or your baby need help and grandma will give it.</p>

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<p>Good to use this forum to vent. It is never useful to question how others spend their money or give their money. Focus on being grateful that you are in a different place. I’m sure you would not want to switch places with the others. Also, some people like to feel needed. They derive value from it. They are making the grandmother feel needed and she is responding to it. Try to accept it and allow your family to create its own relationship with the grandmother, free from resentment. The needs will be different but can be just as meaningful.</p>

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<p>Does your child want the bed? Can she (or will she be able in the future) to sleep in it, play with it, whatever? If so, why punish your child due to the grandparents’ motives?</p>

<p>People don’t always play fair. Is it a sign of bad parenting to always bail out your adult children? Of course. But keep in mind that this is the parent who raised these kids to require bailing out. (Now, I’m not talking about the kids who have major medical issues, laid off, are usually responsible but have hit hard times. These “kids” just need a hand, and will probably become responsible again when the hard times are over. It doesn’t sound like the OP’s in-laws are in that boat. It sounds like they just can’t figure out how to live within their means.) Your MIL has taught them that whining works, probably from about the age of 2. Be thankful that your wife grew out of it!</p>

<p>You can resent your MIL’s actions all you like. But in the end, it’s her money and her choice. You can decide what to do if MIL requires financial assistance in the future. Otherwise, holding on to resentment will hurt only you, your wife & your children. Since you can’t change her, learn to deal with her differently.</p>

14

<p>Do yourself a favor. Stop keeping score.</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>Sounds to me more like grandma feels she HAS to give to the basket cases in order to protect her grandchildren from the consequences of their fecklessness.</p>

<p>Having the bed made is a perfect example of this. </p>

<p>If there is other evidence that the siblings are actually FAVORED over your wife, you haven’t given it. </p>

<p>You come across here as if money is all that matters to you, and your chief interest in your in-laws is getting what you perceive as your share of the pie. If that is not the case, perhaps you should examine the reasons why that is the impression you give here.</p>

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<p>The favorite siblings get everything new, we’re only offered used items after they’re done with them (hand me down stuff)</p>

<p>If they are the older cousins, this is logical and generous. Babies don’t use things much, & it is nice that you are being offered the chance to save some money.</p>

<p>If you don’t want or need the things, then decline politely, but eventually I expect they will quit being offered.
Life isn’t about fairness- and if the other family has more need, then I can see why the grandparents are buying things if they can.</p>

17

<p>You are getting the offer of a hand me down bed when your niece got a new one, because she is older, needed a bed first, and her parents couldn’t afford one. If your child had been born first you would have just gone out and bought a bed and so the point would now be moot. The grandmother could have let the other family keep the bed to sell or for future children, but she’s thinking of your child, too. </p>

<pre><code> I can understand your frustration with the BIL and SIL if you believe they are financially irresponsible which translates to their constantly asking for handouts, but that is really a completely separate issue from what your MIL chooses to do for a granddaughter who is living in that situation.
</code></pre>

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<p>When my mother was born, one of her father’s pals built a crib for her - well it is practically a playpen, but it’s always been referred to as a crib. She used it. Her seven siblings used it. All of the 27 grandchildren used it. Any baby or toddler who passed through that house used it, including the great-grands who were born while my mother’s parents were still alive. We have plenty of photographic evidence that on occasion, several children were in it at once. After her parents had died, it was the one item in that house that no one doubted the ownership of. My mother took it to her house where it was used to store stuffed animals when there were no grandbabies to sleep (or play) in it. When my mother died, my younger sister nabbed it on the grounds that as the youngest of us, and the smallest, she had slept in it the most. It now stores stuffed animals at her house when her grandbabies aren’t in town.</p>

<p>Reject the bed if you want to, but you are also rejecting the chance to participate in creating a family tradition. Our family crib is made of solid oak, and turns 85 this year. It looks good to last at least 85 more.</p>

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<p>Sorry ladies and gentlemen I so get the OP. As the dil of (now one deceased) inlaw and one living I have seen first hand how dysfunctional families operate. I does not matter if the kids are “older” the fact is that the child should (if the grandparents want to give a child something) be able to pick out what they want, not a leftover.</p>

<p>When my husband’s brother’s child was born he received a huge cash gift from my in laws. My child…green stamps (yes, they had them back then…or maybe they were blue stamps) to buy a rocker. It is a signal of things to come and of what happened in my husband’s childhood…</p>

<p>This isn’t about one bed. It is that there are some people who favor one child(ren) over another. And this will continue until the will is read. (And don’t count on anything.)</p>

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<p>My grandmother always favored the children of her youngest son. They got full outfits for Christmas and we got socks - literally. There were 8x10 photos of them all over the house and perhaps a shot or two of the rest of us. They would get the nicer gifts out of sight of the rest of us. We knew it but never spoke of it. My mother resented it, but to her credit, she kept it to herself. I always knew that my grandmother would get more excited about the accomplishments of the others and go out of the way to attend functions that involved them, but I loved my grandmother and I never doubted that she loved me. I spent time with her that none of the other grandchildren did because I lived nearby. I have memories that they don’t. Maybe she took me for granted because we were close. I don’t know why she favored them, but I assumed she had a reason and I never questioned it. Do your kids a favor and don’t make a big deal out of it. None of it matters in the long run.</p>