<p>Cartera is right. None of this matters in the long run. That is why “score keeping” is futile and will only make you miserable.</p>
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Oh, ellebud, I get the OP, too, and you’re right - it’s not about the bed per se. But the question remains: What is it that the OP seeks to accomplish by refusing the bed? Will Grandma suddenly have an epiphany, realize how wrong she’s been, and shower kindess on OP’s kids? Or more likely will she shrug her shoulders, say OK, and continue to behave as she is now? Will OP feel better, knowing that nothing he does will change the situation?</p>
<p>Yes, this situation will likely continue, as you said, “until the will is read.” So OP has a couple of choices:
- He can insist that his wife & his family cut off contact with MIL/SIL.
- He can continue to resent what’s happening (and let’s assume he’s right to resent it), poison his relationship with his in-laws, poison his children’s relationship with their grandparents, and let resentment and bitterness take over a big chunk of his life.
- He can change the way he reacts to the unfairness.</p>
<p>I may have missed an option or two, but since even he admits that nothing he does will change MIL’s dynamic, these are the most viable options. Right now, resentment & bitterness have the upper hand. To quote Dr. Phil (whom I usually hate, by the way), “So, OP, how’s that working out for you?”</p>
<p>It is true that we can only change how WE decide to react to whatever situation we are in – we can’t change the others (tho sometimes they MAY change somewhat by changes in OUR behavior).</p>
<p>Unfortunately the kids of the spendthrift parents are victims as well and not learning good fiscal management, which will have very long-term consequences. They are learning also that wheedling and begging and having no money will have funds come to them from a generous benefactor. I think the life lessons you are teaching your family will stand them in much better stead.</p>
<p>I wish you the best in figuring out what will work best for you & your family–favoritism is always unpleasant to deal with–the beneficiary and the unfavored all have burdens.</p>
<p>You’re asking the wrong questions. The proper question is…would your child enjoy this bed? Certainly children do not care about the hand-me-down aspect (and there are those of us who find hand-me-downs both charming and fiscally attractive.) </p>
<p>Also, do yourself a huge favor and stop keeping score. Not only will it change nothing, it reflects poorly on you as well. A lifetime of listening to you gripe about this will do nothing for your child. Your job as a parent is to take the positive out of challenging situations. If, instead, you use this as a teaching moment over the years about how dollars spent do not equal amount of love, or that some families need more help, or that no one is entitled to dictate how someone else spends their money or whatever other charitable lesson you can squeeze out of this, will greatly benefit your child.</p>
<p>But first you have to let go of your judgement and frustration, which is not easy but well worth the time spent doing it.</p>
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<p>A leftover? This is something that one grandchild enjoyed and is being offered to another grandchild. </p>
<p>I was not taught to look down on gently used items. Nor was I taught that I was entitled to pick out whatever new item I wanted. I think one of the best things my parents ever taught me was that no one is entitled to a gift, therefore you accept all gifts with gratitude. If it’s not to your liking, you take care of that later and privately. </p>
<p>I feel sorry for children raised to expect not only gifts but gifts to their liking and everything else is subpar or, heaven forbid, a “leftover.”</p>
<p>Regarding the bed, it’s a two story wooden structure. It was custom made for my niece and designed to include specific elements and interests of her childhood and designed for the room that the parents had set out for her. It’s a custom piece of furniture that is not easily adapted to other children, room configurations, or other interest.</p>
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<p>It’s not a piece of furniture that I’d like in my house, whether it came from this person, a yard sale, my parents, or any other people that I know. It’s simply not the right piece of furniture for us.</p>
<p>My declination is sincerely because of our taste in furniture styles and not because of an ulterior motive.</p>
<p>Regarding the other posters, I think the pieces of advice that I will take most sincerely is to be sure that my daugther has a good chance to know her grandmother. That’s some good piece of advice and I’ll figure out how we can make that happen.</p>
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<p>No, no, no, no, no. The mom didn’t buy a bed because she liked having her daughter sleep in the same bed as her at night.</p>
<p>So even after the bed was given to the family, the combination bed / playcenter went unused as a bed, save for six months or so.</p>
<p>If you are going to keep score, I’d suggest you/your wife go all the way and start asking for money as well. MIL apparently likes to come riding to the rescue, so wrap some invented drama around it (help! the car is falling apart!), or just demand it in the name of equality.</p>
<p>If MIL is doling out the inheritance early, you might as well get in the game and get your fair share.</p>
<p>Put anything you get right in the 529.</p>
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<p>If that were true, you would not have started this thread and become so passionate about this piece of furniture.</p>
<p>Edited to add your own words to make it more clear. You stated,
</p>
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<p>Good grief. Now I am wondering how old you are. </p>
<p>You have a lot of work to do on this issue. You get get yourself worked up, then deny you are worked up and/or the reason why and continue that cycle until you drop over dead. Or you can be honest with yourself, come to terms with why this gets to you so much and set a great example for your daughter. I hope you’ll choose the latter.</p>
<p>Lastly, this is not your money. Remind yourself of that often. It’s unseemly to believe you should get a vote in how others spend their money. If you want to confuse money with love, go right ahead but that’s a decision, not a fact.</p>
<p>OP – I’m confused. Here you’re saying the real issue is you simply don’t like the bed and don’t want it in your house. Fine. But if that’s all this whole thing is about, why did you even start this thread? You’re offered a bed that you don’t want – you say, “No, thank you.” You don’t need to post anything here on CC.</p>
<p>Also, how does your wife feel about all this? It’s HER mother, after all. Sounds a little like “much ado about nothing,” IMO.</p>
<p>We have tried to teach our kids that life isn’t necessarily fair but we all try to roll with things the best we can, while being as self-reliant as we can. It has worked out OK for us. When the kids complain of favoritism, we acknowledge that it does exist and may even exist in the specific situation being cited (if appropriate) and then figure out what WE would like to do about it or how it does or should (or not) affect us and our lives. This has worked well for us & our kids. Life is NOT always fair.</p>
<p>I do hope that you are able to cultivate a relationship with your MIL & SIL, as appropriate & desired. Things can & do change and sometimes family does become more important.</p>
<p>If this is just about a piece of furniture that you say you don’t like ,then politely decline it and move on. You started off by saying this is a “serious” situation. When I think of a “serious” situation ,this is not the kind of thing that comes to mind.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize that the baby had been born. Congratulations!</p>
<p>I know my favoritism. As the OP said, this was a CUSTOM piece designed for a specific child. If the OP’s child wants it, and is not pressured to take it, then by all means say thank you.</p>
<p>I would also add that children/grandchildren know the score without being told. My oldest is in a very serious relationship that will probably lead to marriage in a year or two. (YEAH! She is terrific and they make a fabulous couple.) He does not want (to the point of yelling) his grandmother at his wedding. ABSOLUTELY no grandmother/“uncle”/“aunt”. (The aunt wouldn’t come anyway.) I am trying to convince him to invite the grandmother (and uncle as her aide). So far…not so good.</p>
<p>His reasoning: He lost his grandparents (my parents when he was a child.) These people aren’'t people that he would consider acquaintances, much less invitation worthy. No matter how hard we tried to shield him he heard and saw far too much. </p>
<p>So now, when the grandmother could have such joy, she doesn’t have a clue about how much bargaining is going on…for my husband’s sake…not for hers.</p>
<p>I am not sure if my kids are my parents´favorite or not. We used to live closer to my parents than my other siblings. My parents spent a lot of time with my kids when they were little. I made a point of including my parents at all of their special events - recitals, graduations, birthdays, proms. We have taken them on vacations with us in order to spend time with our kids.</p>
<p>Now D1 is away in college, I often remind her to call my parents. She is happy to call, but it´s not always on top of list of things to do. But my father would talk about it for days every time she called. This past weekend, she just decided to visit my parents for the weekend. My mother cooked up a storm. D1 said she´s not able to eat for days.</p>
<p>My niece and nephews, because of distance or maybe because my siblings didn´t make as much of an effort, they are not as close to my parents. My parents love them, and they do not give them less than to my children. But if my parents had to make a choice of which graduation to go to, I know which one they would go to.</p>
<p>Relationship goes both ways, and it takes time and effort to cultivate. I know my kids have benefited a lot from their relationship with their grandparents (H´s parents are separated, and we do not see them as much). When they were growing up, sometimes it was a pain to invite my parents because we often had to accomendate their schedule, but we did it because of our kids (and for our parents too). My kids often commented on how nice we are to their grandparents, hopefully they will be the same to us someday.</p>
<p>Just a note - I did not like to take hand me downs for my kids when they were little, but we did have a crib in my family that was passed around to all the cousins.</p>
<p>ellebud,If your son is “yelling” about the grandmother and not listening to the bargaining going on (that maybe dad would like his mom there even if the relationships are difficult),that sounds sad and selfish on your son’s part. Your son will become a married man at some point and will have to deal with all kinds of relationship issues with your family as well as a spouse’s family. Complete cutoffs are rarely functional.</p>
<p>OP - was this previous thread of yours about the favored family? <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1096773-ranting-about-needy-people.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1096773-ranting-about-needy-people.html</a></p>
<p>I ask because it seems that who’s getting what when and from whom is a sensitive issue for you. Maybe you’re just coming here to vent about perceived unfairness, which is fine - we all do it. But it seems to me that you can choose to make that unfairness a big deal for the next several decades, or you can give yourself a break and decide that you’re not going to pay attention to how much less or more deserving family members are, or whether grandma favors one side over the other.
Why does that matter to you at all? If anything, it makes the bed even more lightly used. You can raise your child as you’d like, and the other family can do the same thing. Can’t they?</p>
<p>ellebud and the OP need to ask themselves, very bluntly, what they are getting out of being the victim. Because you are both clearly getting something. Context is a choice. Make a better choice.</p>
<p>Sevmom, Well said.</p>
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<p>No. It was your choice for your child to hear and see “far too much.” It was also your choice to provide the context, which you clearly did.</p>
<p>You may be tuned into favoritism but I am very tuned into parents not shielding their children from adult matters. If you’re completely honest with yourself, I bet you are at least somewhat happy that your son is on “your side” about this. </p>
<p>It’s a choice. I vowed not to expose my kid and I didn’t. I’d much rather end the cycle than continue it, no matter how good it would have felt to have my kid on “my side.”</p>
<p>My MIL was the worst at playing favorites. She is the one who explained it away by saying that the only grandchildren you could be sure of are your daughter’s children. I did my best to conduct myself and have my children conduct themselves with the respect due her and my husband. Sometimes it was hard. But she passed away much sooner than anyone could have expected and my youngest doesn’t remember her at all, and my older kids shared no personal experiences with her (her choice), so I have no regrets and she’s pretty much forgotten in my house. The one thing you can’t do is set up a situation in which your child keeps score.</p>
<p>I’m in the same boat (and have been for 30+ years) AND THE BED ISN’T THE ROOT ISSUE HERE. </p>
<p>My late husband’s mother (divorced when we were sweethearts in HS) has always, very obviously, favored his sister, and in turn, favored my nieces more than my son (her only grandson). Even though we’re not related ‘by law’ anymore, she still introduces me as her daughter-in-law as we live in the same small town. (I’m proof that when you marry, your spouse’s family is always part of the package… forever!)</p>
<p>We never asked anything of our parents no matter how hard the battle was during our 20’s, especially my MIL. With her, strings would always be attached. (She’s very controlling, hence the divorce.) Many years ago, she gave us a framed printed (thinking it was a true gift) but later she asked for it back as my SIL needed it for HER new, 3000+ sq. ft. house when we lived in a 1000 sq. ft. cheap house (we saved and paid cash). </p>
<p>My SIL and her husband are terrible with money but they and dear MIL (vicariously) want them to live the “country club” life (i.e. above their means) which we never wanted. She still resents that her son married ‘from the wrong side of the tracks’ but loves to brag of my business community standing, several Board of Directors, achievements, awards and the exclusive, private school that I alone paid the full tuition for 13 years for my son to attend (at great embarrassment to me). I can’t tell you the tens of thousands she has given them over the years such as paying for my SIL’s cosmetic surgery. One recent example is she took my SIL’s family on a week cruise last Christmas. My son got maybe $30 in gifts and she actually re-gifted to me an expensive robe I had given her the Christmas before! But then again, you couldn’t pay me to spend a week with her no matter how big the boat! The list is endless… </p>
<p>When my FIL (single and her ex) died a few years ago, half of his estate went to my SIL and half to my son (my husband’s share). While my FIL was in the hospital on his deathbed, she got into his house without anyone’s knowledge and took over $20K in cash and other valuables. Did she give my son half? No, it all went to my SIL. I could have protested but it was 2 against 1 and I didn’t want my minor son in a public legal battle.</p>
<p>My son and I are respectful and nice as I don’t believe in burning family bridges and there’s no way I could have shielded him over the years from her overt favoritism. Though she’s pre-gifting her estate now, I don’t want him cut out of his father’s share of her future estate (which she ‘claims’ is 50/50 and I know it’s substantial). However, my son (now 18) is very resentful, just like my husband was, but I don’t allow him to show it because his Dad wouldn’t have approved since he treated her with respect. Funny, my MIL complains about how disrespectful her granddaughters are and how she wished they acted more like my son. So ironic! </p>
<p>My only wish is that she would retire (almost 70) and move to my SIL’s town instead of mine! If she stays, I will put my foot down when the time comes for someone to ‘take care of her’ though I know she’ll call me first like she always does. My SIL has said she doesn’t want the job but ummmm… it’s thankfully not mine! I’ve already taken care of her whims for the last 15 years since my husband’s death though many ask why. I feel it’s my responsibility to shoulder my husband’s job as we both believed in taking care of family no matter the emotional cost.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m venting as this post hit MY hot button. But, DO NOT accept the bed for she may ask for it back. Just do a Cheshire cat grin, say, “thanks but no; we don’t need it” and move on. I’ve done this countless times myself for I NEVER want to be in her debt.</p>
<p>The resentment and frustration you feel is natural but it’s only hurting YOU, not her. It’s very hard but I try to be a duck and let it roll off my back. Then again, I have scars from biting my tongue, especially when she brags that she’s always treated her children and grandkids equally. In her warped mind, she truly believes it!</p>
<p>Many say to stop ‘keeping score’ but when it’s thrown in your face continually, how can you not? I live it, know it but try not to show it to my son. Instead, I’ve used the situation to teach him how to deal with unreasonable people and situations. In the end, he’s become a better man BECAUSE OF her favoritism and though it’s a painful lesson now, it will serve him well in his future.</p>
<p>Dunno, based on other threads, ellebud’s MIL takes the cake for awful behavior… I don’t blame her son AT ALL. Sorry, I am not sure which thread it was that outlined her behavior… ellebud, do you remember? Makes the OP’s in laws sound easy.</p>