<p>BOTW, would you feel better if they made your daughter another bed tailored to her?</p>
<p>pugmadkate, I think you are being rather unfair to ellebud. She truly, truly has the in-laws from hell. Their gross anti-semitism alone…and I seem to recall that they never hesitated to grind it in the faces of their grandchildren.</p>
<p>babyonthe way first said that the kid needed a bed because the parents chose to spend money on video games instead:</p>
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<p>Now he says that it was because the parents preferred to have her sleep in the family bed. Which is it?</p>
<p>First he didn’t want the bed because it is a “hand-me-down” --sounds more like an heirloom in the making to me, but to each his own–now it is because it is so customized and aesthetically displeasing. Which is it?</p>
<p>Or is it something else altogether?</p>
<p>My mother used to make elaborate picture books for each of my sib’s kids, detailing what they did that year and illustrated with photos. She never made one for my kid. I mentioned it once, and she said that he didn’t need it: the others did because their parents were so dysfunctional at that time. I think that these grandparents did something similar for that grandchild. Baby and wife are together enough to supply security and a special bed/place of their own to their child without the grandparents’ intervention.</p>
<p>As I said before, I still haven’t heard anything that smacks of actual favoritism. It may be there, but we haven’t heard about it. All we’ve heard about is $$ given to people who are floundering economically.</p>
<p>I think the thing that really resonates about this issue for most us is that our children are older than the OPs and we may have been through something similar or been a witness to it when our kids were little. We have the advantage of time and reflection, not to mention that we have seen the fallout.
Looking back on my family situation, there was a time when our kids were very young that my parents clearly favored my sister’s son. He was the first grandchild and one of only two boys among all of the grandchildren. My other sister and I were very resentful and hurt by the fact that our children were getting short changed. The difference between she and I was the way that we handled it. My sister bad mouthed my parents in front of her kids, pointed it out when they were being treated unfairly. I kept my thoughts to myself. As a result, my children never felt slighted because they didn’t even notice the extra attention my nephew got. My nieces, though, were keeping score along with their mother. The result was that my kids got to love their grandparents with unrestricted hearts.<br>
The favoritism eventually evened out and nobody was any worse for it in my immediate family. My dad has recently passed away an I am so glad that I don’t have to bear the burden of regret that I would have if I had allowed my own selfish agenda to become that of my children. My kids think that their grandparents are wonderful and it isn’t my place as their parent to convince them otherwise. Doing that is a selfish indulgence that is very hurtful to kids.</p>
<p>Haven’t read everything in this thread.
I’d take the bed. And say “Thank you.”
If it is a nice, custom-made bed–why not? And if you don’t like it or find you can’t use it, you can sell it.
Don’t get in the habit of turning down “hand-me-downs”–someday you might want/need them. You can always pass them on.
You could try to establish a more distant relationship with your in-laws. Ignore their relationships with other people. It is their business what they give to other people. Don’t compare. Accept the situation for what it is because you can’t make them change. Accept what they offer you with thanks, even if it is less than what they offer to others.</p>
<p>It honestly never occurred to me until this minute, but my parents have spent many thousands of dollars more on one grandchild (not my kid) than on my kids. Mostly on plane tickets and vacation expenses due to complexities in the relationship with that kid’s mom and visitation issues. They also expended more on gifts, furniture, etc. that were harder for my brother to afford for a variety of reasons. My kids and I have NEVER felt slighted in the least… we paid our own way many times to join them, and are just happy that their cousin could be there and have basic things she needed. I am actually happy that my parents did that; it was the best thing for my niece, whom I love dearly.</p>
<p>BOTW, you might look for a little more love in your heart for your nieces and nephews. And… you generally seem proud of your frugal ways. Seems to me that you are letting your distate for your MIL get in the way of accepting a gift that your child will likely get a lot of pleasure from.</p>
<p>BOTW, It’s possible that the grandmother disapproved of the girl not having her own bed, even if the parents preferred it that way. Maybe your MIL felt that cost was the real reason and took matters into her own hands. I understand that you don’t like or need the bed. Let your wife tell her mother that you have something different in mind, and thank her for thinking of you. </p>
<p>Without a lot more evidence to the contrary, we can’t begin compare a situation like this one to ellebud’s IMO. There is no way to jump to the conclusion that the gifts are based on true favoritism, and not perception of need. In ellebud’s case the favoritism and the reasons for it are obvious.</p>
<p>What is the overriding important factor in this?
Is it that the siblings need to be treated equally? ( equal does NOT mean FAIR BTW)
Money spent does not equal love- which seems to be a sticking point for many, not just your family.
Everyone- except for the small cousins are adults.
The time is past for competition for parents affections ( grandparents)
The overriding concern should be to establish & maintain a good relationship with the grandparents & other extended family members as much as possible.</p>
<p>I admit I do make jokes about the things my inlaws choose to spend money on. ( going to Disneyland & leaving the 4yr old at home with grandma- who was the only child BTW)
But that is their business, they aren’t asking me to chip in for the magic tea cup ride & your inlaws aren’t asking you to chip in to furnish the room of your niece/nephews.
NOTHING is being taken away from you, except in your own head.</p>
<p>There are families that have real things to worry about- & maybe some perspective would be good. I’m sure there are families in your babys child care who don’t have grandparents to step in & help, maybe when family members offer things you don’t need or want, you could offer to find another suitable home for what is being offered.</p>
<p>Oh, and my kids have never complained about having my niece’s hand-me-downs purchased by my parents. D2 (age 16) very happily wore a winter coat my mom had that was my niece’s; it was a perfect color and fit, and still very new. D was actually thrilled to avoid shopping and have a “new” coat. I honestly think it never occurred to D that Grandma had spent the money on the coat for her cousin, and has never bought her a new coat. </p>
<p>If you don’t make a stink about this, your kids probably will never feel slighted.</p>
<p>Life is never “fair” or “equal.” My parents did NOT necessarily give each of us exactly the same–with so many of us kids, I don’t see how they really could, though they TRY To be loving and fair in their hearts to each of their kids, in-laws and grandkids. </p>
<p>I & my brother went off to OOS schools for bachelor’s degrees while everyone else went to flagship U. OTOH, I spent two years shopping for the family, cooking, tutoring & typing papers for everyone in the family (including older sibs & my mom who had returned to school for her masters) when I was in middle school. Was that “fair”? </p>
<p>We have never “kept score,” tho we do sometimes razz the folks about them attending only THREE post-HS graduations–out of the many. Keeping score and having our kids focus on that would be bad for them & everyone else. They love their cousins, my folks, and all their relatives, even when they are not treated the same. I think this is a great gift we give them. My SIL has not even treated my two kids the same, but that hasn’t stopped them or us from loving her as she is and appreciating her generousity, as uneven as it can be and feel it has enriched all of our lives.</p>
<p>Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but it keeps you & your loved ones from being eaten up inside, which is one of the other (less attractive to us) options.</p>
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<p>Isn’t your baby four months old? How many holidays have passed on which she has been “forgotten”? How large a gift did you think would be suitable for a newborn on those holidays? </p>
<p>And for a frugal person you seem to have a surprisingly dismissive attitude about hand-me-downs. Very young children move quickly through clothing sizes, baby equipment, and toys as they develop. Families often share amongst themselves, passing the cradle, high chair, pack-n-play, bouncer seat, doorway jumper, baby swing, etc., to whichever couple needs it at the moment. Oh, and maternity clothes, too. Why would you get miffed when someone says, “My daughter has outgrown this, but it’s still in great shape and I wondered if you’d like to have it for your daughter”?</p>
<p>Grandma might be keeping score herself. I had an elderly neighbor who had 4 children. She bought houses for 2 of them, and gave new cars to those same two and also to a third child. But the one child who received neither a house nor a car was the only one she trusted as executor of her Will. This same child was also named to receive the bulk of her estate.</p>
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<p>I do too…and while it used to upset me, I’ve finally decided to let it go. This woman ONLY cares about the children of her daughter. ALL of the children of her sons are second class citizens. My kids never received a “gift” other than money from her. BUT the favorite grandchildren get nicely chosen PRESENTS as well as money gifts. The thing that annoys me is that my MIL sends us emails telling us what she has sent to the “preferred” grandchildren…and how much they love the presents. I don’t think she even realizes how hurtful this is. </p>
<p>Sadly, my kids have her number and take her for what she’s worth. They are kind and nice…much kinder and nicer than I would be given the same situation.</p>
<p>Oh…she also really can’t stand the spouses of her children and she has clearly stated this to DH and his siblings more than once. Whatever.</p>
<p>The crazy thing is that those who play favorites most appear oblivous to the resentment it fosters and then expect everyone to want to rush to help them out whenever they are in distress (which is more frequent than they expected). Of course, they never ask the favored ones, only the others who should be honored to do their bidding. They don’t understand why people don’t want to turn their schedules & lives upside down to meet their needs. It truly is sad.</p>
<p>Hah… wish my mom WOULD switch straight to money (or gift cards), so many of the gifts she gives my teens go straight onto Goodwill because they don’t want to hurt her feelings, but really don’t want what she gives them. Sorry, don’t want to derail the thread :)</p>
<p>Consolation: Thank you for saying/supporting the fact that there are genuinely toxic people. </p>
<p>Off topic: (please bear in mind that we do have a semblance of a relationship with my mil…who is here today btw). I am a kumbaya kind of person for most people. I happen to have a fair number of friends who can be termed challenging at times. As for my son, as one of you tartly said, it was “my decision”. Actually not. When my in laws asked us to visit with our then two children because they wanted to make amends was it my “decision” to know that in the middle of lunch to know that my fil was going to call my children “kikes”? They were sitting there eating quietly. We hadn’t asked for anything, nor had anything happened. And he wasn’t crazy or senile. He was a bigot (and famous enough to have his exploits quoted in several books).</p>
<p>Was it my decision to expose my children to a tirade about my then deaf child (she is fine now thank you very much) that she was “Jewish, not perfect and they weren’t interested in her.” They asked us to leave her home with the housekeeper the next time we visited. (No, we are not talking about a Helen Keller wild child pre Annie Sullivan). </p>
<p>We didn’t talk to them for three years. </p>
<p>There are toxic parents/people. I don’t know the specifics the “the Bed”, but I do know that there are parents (grand and new) who are toxic people. We tried everything (including therapy where the therapist, non Jewish as chosen for that reason, that they had the most narcissism and anti everyone traits that he had ever witnessed. And that is saying a lot.) </p>
<p>The bed may be a symbol to the OP. But why should a child feel that they are only entitled to seconds? There is a balance and perhaps this is but a tip of a volcano.</p>
<p>Those of us who encourage the OP and others to quit keeping score and “let go” have also had downright horrific and just plain nasty encounters with toxic family members. But you get to the point where you need to JUST STOP trying to get water from an empty well. Ruminating over who owes what to whom will just eat you away. Symbolic or otherwise, it is still just stuff.</p>
<p>My mother has always played favorites and it was always clear that I was not the favorite one. So I feel like I can add something here. OP, this is not your fight and you are doing your wife no favors by even suggesting that her mother plays favorites. Your wife may not perceive it that way – she may have an understanding of the situation that you lack and may feel that her mother’s behavior is justified. Or she may be keenly aware that she is not the favorite child. In which case, your behavior just adds to the tension that must exist between her and her family members. Your only role in this is to catch her when she falls and tell her " You are MY favorite, in all the world, you are the only one I want".</p>
<p>"Do yourself a favor. Stop keeping score. " - I agree. MIL may be playing favorites, but obsessing over it does not help. </p>
<p>Regarding on comment about pictures of distant grandchildren, I could understand that. Local grandparents rejoice in having “the real thing” nearby and have less need for photos.</p>
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<p>I just love this story.</p>
<p>My kids are not the favored grandchildren because my kids are so much older than all the other grandchildren, (Married my HS sweetheart right out of college) on both sides, and none of them were “ready” to be grandparents yet, really. </p>
<p>BUT, my kids are the favored grandchildren of all the OTHER grandchildren and are worshipped by their young cousins and truly adored, simply by virtue of having been born earlier, they are truly “perfect” to all of them. therefore, they are the favorite nieces of all the aunts and uncles, because kids immediately run off at family gatherings to find poetdaughters. And poetdaughters are delighted with the young fan club.</p>
<p>Anyway, pay attention to what your kid gets out of these relationships. It’s maybe different than you might think it “ought to look,” but sometimes it can be something really great in its own right.</p>
<p>ETA: Ellebud, I know you have truly horrifying MIL, as I recall from a horrible MIL thread a while back. If nothing else, your kids walk away knowing what they “dont” want. Sometimes that’s all we get.</p>
<p>Elebud, What did u do when FIL said such a despicable thing to your kids? Did u walk out? Did you tell your kids what PGF meant?</p>