Advice regarding grandparent favortism

Parent Cafe
81

<p>BOTW, you sound like my sister-in-law.</p>

<pre><code> She worked herself up into a frenzy because she looked through a photo album at my parent’s (her in-laws’) house that contained few pictures of her children. The album consisted almost entirely of pictures of my sister’s children.

None of us knew why her nose was out of joint for months.

And as some of the wise CC parents have already figured out (but SIL too blind to see) the album belonged to my sister! Her own children in her own photo album! SIL mad about nothing.

Would you be happy if they made your daughter a bed tailored to her?
</code></pre>

82

<p>A note on keeping score, the other side…you need to NOT give them power over you. Maybe they are horrid people like Ellebuds & my in laws, maybe they are averagely odd, maybe it is you (well, it could be)…whatever it is only you can control the power THEIR actions have over YOUR life. I wish I had understood this 30 years ago.</p>

<p>My BIL was actually estranged from his family for about 10 years, his parents did not approve of his actions. He lived his life his way and eventually married a wonderful woman and lived the approved lifestyle, but because he wanted to, not because they made him. He really seems to not be affected by their ups & downs.</p>

<p>My DH always tried to live up to the parents wants for him and has regretted many choices he made based on doing what they wanted rather than what he wanted. About the time BIL came back into the family, we began to realise that we were giving them power over us. We still maintain an amicable relationship, but because we live far away (unlike ellebud) and limit contact. The in laws really have no clue how we feel, but we decided they are not going to change so there is no reason to keep trying to change them. </p>

<p>We have boundaries in our life to protect us from being vulnerable to the roller coaster of crazy-making emotions. You have the power to not respond viscerally to their actions by not giving them that power over you.</p>

83

<p>The only caveat I will add…<em>I</em> don’t “keep score”…but it’s very apparent to my kids that the grandmother favors the other grandchildren because the GRANDMOTHER seems to feel a need to send these emails saying things like “I just bought SuzieQ the cutest outfits on sale at Macy’s today. She was SO thrilled to get them.”…Ahem…MY kids know that they never got an outfit from anywhere…never. The kids are very gracious and I’d like to think it’s because we nave not made an issue of this nonsense. But really…the kids know…and they do comment about the emails (I have suggested to my MIL that she doesn’t need to send her gift notices to my kids…to no avail). We just tell the kids to let it go.</p>

84

<p>babyontheway - Good luck. I liked your post #68. And as others have said, the less keeping score the better… then no chance of hard feeling rubbing off on the kid in later years.</p>

85

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<p>How about this? We noticed a number of years ago that there were pictures of the favored grandchildren in magnetic frames on the fridge. We always sent pics…none (even the nice studio ones ) were anywhere to be found. I figured it was because we didn’t send them in magnetic frames. Now keep in mind, I’m talking 2 inch by 2 inch frames…nothing huge. So I bought the frames and sent pics of our kids. Imagine MY surprise the next time I was there when the same size frames were on the fridge with pics of the favored grandchildren in them. </p>

<p>It was the last time I sent a picture except in a Christmas card or for graduations.</p>

86

<p>Holy moley Thumper. That wins the tacky inlaw award!</p>

87

<p>Thumper you and Ellebud have legitimate concerns, my SIL did not.</p>

88

<p>thumper, that’s horrible! I would’ve just said something in that case!</p>

89

<p>This MIL is not someone you can “say anything” to in her house. I gave up THAT idea years ago…like the first year we were married. However in OUR house, I do speak up. Could that be why they don’t visit us?</p>

90

<p>thumper! You are good to bother to even visit.</p>

<p>I have simply lost interest in a few key relatives over the years. Sometimes, I even forget they are there, to be honest. If I were in your shoes, I’m positive I would have competely lost interest in MIL long ago.</p>

91

<p>After our baby was born, my wife and I were both exhausted. It was a lot of work caring for a newborn who didn’t sleep at night and mom’s struggles with trying to natural feed as well as her recovery from her unplanned c-section. We weren’t not mentally ready for how much work a newborn is, as few first time parents are.</p>

<p>Well, up until birth the mil kept bugging my wife to find out when the exact date of delivery would be so she could arrange time off work. Now, my wife was planning on natural birth so of course she didn’t know, but the mil couldn’t accept that and thought if she asked enough my wife would finally tell her…which made no sense to me. anyways, she finally came up about 10 days after the baby was born.</p>

<p>Now, my wife and i were both excited to bond and spend time with the newborn. I had to go back to work, and work long days, so I wasn’t home a lot. One day the mil decides that I need to do some shopping for her at the store on my way home, and I refused as I wanted to spend time at home bonding with my little one rather than shopping at the store. We already made one trip for her specifically two days earlier. I showed her where the car keys were and told her she was more than welcome to drive to the store, but she wasn’t interested. The store is 2.5 miles from our house.</p>

<p>Later, she decided that we needed to wait on her hand and foot. Bring her munchies for her to eat while she laid on the couch (our house rules are no food except at the dinner table), bring her soda, go to the store to buy bottled soda rather than canned soda because she doesn’t drink from cans, take away her cans, bottles, and boxes of food/beverage when she was done. I had enough after 2 days.</p>

<p>Then, she decided to make us dinner. She did, and then promptly went to her room, leaving an entire kitchen full of dirty dishes. I gave my wife a hand and it took us 2 hours to clean up the mess that she had created. And this was after I had been gone about 12 hours for work. So I didn’t get to spend much time with my baby that night.</p>

<p>As she laid on the couch, she wanted to watch television, but we said no, we didn’t want our little one spending the first few weeks of her life in front of television. She just about came unglued at that. But our house, our baby, our rules.</p>

<p>I doubt that she’ll ever return to our house again. It’s too bad, but in our house, we have our way of doing things, and our guests have to respect our life rather than expecting us to change to fit her needs. (When a guest in her house, she is very firm about lecturing me on her rules and making sure that I follow her ever-changing rules in the house.)</p>

92

<p>BOTW–</p>

<p>In life, I have found, it is simply too exhausting to keep track of other people’s behavior. It’s draining, A friend of mine once told me, “Resenting other people is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”</p>

<p>It’s a waste of time and energy which could better be spent on the people you love and on the pursuits you enjoy. Whatever you focus on becomes larger, becomes more important. It is just a waste of life.</p>

<p>You can choose to have a relationship or not have a relationship with this woman. It’s not important which one you choose. What is important is that you “get” that nothing you do is going to change her or her behavior. No amount of anger, frustration, explaining, none of it will change her. So, either accept the situation as it is or change your involvement.</p>

<p>Either way, this isn’t healthy for you or your baby. Or your wife, for that matter.</p>

93

<p>These posts by BOTW seem strange. Why even be starting threads here on CC to begin with when the child is years away from college. At minimum,it is clearly all about him.</p>

94

<p>My niece had a baby recently, her mom came for about a month, stayed in bed until noon and would call out for my niece to bring her the baby. Some people just don’t get it, realise early that you cannot fix them and be civil, yet protect yourselves.</p>

95

<p>Not to mention,someone, people(relatives) you think may be there to help initially with the baby but you end up housing,feeding them with little help from them. Been there, done that. Fairly typical and most times you just need to move on.After the initial help(relatives or paid help),it all comes down to you anyway. Cost/benefit analysis is not always favorable with relatives. I think you learn early on who can really help. All of the grandparents/aunts,uncles,etc. were far away so we learned early on it would be mostly on us. We really did learn over the years though to appreciate what family help ended up coming our way.</p>

96

<p>Thumper: I am so sorry. We could really talk.</p>

<p>BOTW: I think that we all answered and/or reacted to your initial question. I’ve got to say that the more I read your words and questions (I sort of assumed you had older child/ren and this new one was a bonus baby) I realize that this child is your first. First of all, love the baby. Worry about diaper rash and Gymboree. College is a lOOOONG way away. And no, you don’t have to plan for college yet. Mommy and Me…maybe.</p>

<p>I think that the best advice that I received when my first was born was to hold/feed/kiss/keep the baby clean/talk lovingly to the child and the rest will come. You don’t need “bonding” time. Your presence and caring bonding. Your mil’s heart was probably in the right place: your wife was HER baby you know. MIL wanted to be there for the birth. Ok, she forgot you can’t tell her an exact date for a natural delivery. She knows the exhaustion of new parents, but she isn’t so young herself. Next time order in and ask her to pay for dinner (if she can afford it). Your child’s intellect will not be damaged by television, Usher, a Barbie doll or a few minutes of unstructured time. </p>

<p>By the way, before you know if (please don’t think that I am promo ing college obsessive behavior) YOU will be an in law. Do things differently if you saw room for improvement. I hope that your child in law treats you well. Remember your child will mirror YOUR behavior. (which is why, people who know of my familial trials, I treat my mil with civility==I want MY children to insist that we be treated well because I did for their undeserving grandparents.)</p>

97

<p>My MIL had very unlovable BILs & SILs. She & FIL took them all in because their parents were dysfunctional. Instead of gratitude, they just were showered with abuse and treated as servants by the BILs & SILs, so they had them fend for themselves. My MIL decided to be the nicest & best MIL she could and she certainly was. My kids & I loved her dearly, even more when we realized the trials she had overcome as a DIL.</p>

<p>I agree with the post above–please take it to heart! Our kids are happiest when we love them unconditionally as well as the other family members. It is painful for everyone when relationships are strained between spouse and his/her parents, so it is great when at least civility can be maintained so no one has to choose between the parent & spouse (a very untenable lose/lose proposition).</p>

<p>I’m sure you are and will continue to be a GREAT parent, BOTW!</p>

98

<p>BOTW - It’s a smart idea to ask input from older parents. (Ha, it’s not like you can go to your MIL for advise on this…). You may find that as the baby gets older and you get more sleep, it will be easier to deal with MIL’s rudeness. Do know that she loves your family, even if doesn’t behave well. Good luck with the situation!</p>

99

<p>I do want to add…despite my MIL being an odd duck…<em>I</em> felt it was important for my kids to know their grandparents. My husband and I did everything we could to foster a positive relationship between our kids and his parents. Even though <em>I</em> think my MIL is an odd duck (and believe me…she is), I have never said a thing about it to my kids. My kids grew up really loving their grandmother. It wasn’t until they were in high school and college that they realized they had been treated much differently than the preferred cousins…and it did NOT come from DH or me.</p>

<p>BOTW…regardless of your feelings…these are your kids’ grandparents. Remember that. Don’t be the one to pass judgement. In about 17 or 18 years, your baby will be old enough to make their own decisions. </p>

<p>I do think you might get better advice/information on a message board that has more NEW parents on it. Think of it this way…most of us here have kids entering college or graduating from college. What happened when our kids were infants and toddlers is OLD NEWS.</p>

100

<p>I respectfully disagree, thumper. I think precisely because most of us are older parents who have been there, done that that we are the BEST people to talk to. We have the advantage of time and distance, so that perspective is easier to gain. </p>

<p>I like BOTW’s questions. He’s thinking – well, overthinking – what is best for his family all the time, and I think we can help him soften his kind of sharp edges. Think back to how rigid you may have been about certain things when your baby/babies were young – no formula, 7:30 bedtime, only organic homemade baby food, whatever. After awhile, you learn most of this stuff is really no big deal. I think we can be the older “village” that helps BOTW see that thngs like a children’s art action are just not worth sweating. :)</p>