<p>Youdontsay…I agree that our village certainly can offer the perspective viewpoint. I hope that BOTW is getting info from multiple sources…including other parents of young children now. It would be nice to have both perspectives…in my opinion.</p>
<p>I agree that older parents can be helpful. I get the feeling (and forgive me if I’m wrong, BOTW) that his rigidity and concerns come from a deep place. Maybe he came from an environment that he felt he had little control over things. He is also very proud (and rightfully so) of his and his wife’s work ethic and independence. Perhaps his extended environment doesn’t look like that and he is trying to break that pattern by starting out on the right foot. Anyway, sorry to play amateur psychologist but, well…cut him some slack.</p>
<p>My mom was no real help when D1 was born (21 years ago!). MIL came for a week, and was a godsend (rocked the baby to sleep in the middle of the night after feedings that week, I have never forgotten that kindness!). My mom didn’t help with laundry, cooking, held the baby for a maximum of 5 minutes at a time. </p>
<p>But… my kids love both of their grandmas today. They accept that my mom can be pretty self centered, but she does love them. My kids have been good for my mom, I think 
IMHO, they are kinder, more thoughtful, gentler people than she is. It surprises her sometimes, but she is always pleased. We all wish it would rub off a bit on her, but accept her for what she is.</p>
<p>BOTW, it is always harder (I think) to accept that failings of an in-law. You don’t have that lifetime bond of time and shared experiences that your spouse does with them that helps with forgiving their shortcomings. My advice is to tread carefully, and lighten up. You won’t change your ILs… and you can make things very hard for your spouse and kids by being stiff-necked about it. This can, in fact, become a wedge between you and your spouse. Even if your wife sees their weaknesses as well, it can come out much nastier for the SIL/DIL to be critical. </p>
<p>One more thing… you have 18 years to bond with the baby. A night or two when you accomodated your MIL’s schedule isn’t the end of that. I am not excusing her behavior, but you are making too big a deal out of a few hours in one week. You need to gain some perspective on the long term in this, instead of continually attacking your MIL’s behavior.</p>
<p>Also agree with sevmom… it seems very puzzling that you are out here posting on a forum with parents of 16-24 year olds. If you really wanted advice, I could see it (the parents out here have seen pretty much every situation you can imagine!). But you don’t actually seem to be looking for advice, you only want validation of your own strong opinions. You might give some thought to why you are spending time here. The advice for getting your kid ready for college at this age is obvious – read to them, and open a 529 account. Not sure what else you need at this point.</p>
<p>A friend of mine’s elderly FIL planned to come to visit her immediately after she had her 2nd child. With this guy, this meant that she was going to be expected to wait on him hand and foot while attempting to recover from the birth, take care of a newborn, and care for a 4 yr old. There was no way in hell he would ever consider doing anything to help around the house, not even making coffee, loading the dishwasher, or going out and getting takeout for dinner one evening or something like that. He demanded in advance that she move out of her own bedroom and give it to him, because he preferred its location. That was the final straw. She uninvited him, which caused an enormous amount of long term strife, mostly emanating from her SIL, who thought that she should accommodate him because “he’s an old man.”</p>
<p>This kind of stuff is SO common.</p>
<p>BOTW, I think you really need to learn how to relax a bit and be less rigid. No eating except at the table is a “rule” not worth getting excited about, IMHO. There is a big difference between an adult watching some TV in the evening, and parking a kid in front of the electronic babysitter. Moreover, there may well come a time when your wife wants to eat or drink something while she sits on the sofa, watches the TV, and nurses the baby. What are you going to do: reprimand her? Maybe your MIL was planning to wash the dishes in the morning. Many people do. Maybe she just grew tired. </p>
<p>Yes, she sounds like a fairly annoying guest, but it also sounds like you can’t wait to pounce on her and add every little thing to the list of sins you are keeping in your head. You really need, for your sake and for your wife’s, to let this stuff go.</p>
<p>How would you feel if someone told you to learn how to use “lay” and “lie” correctly before your baby is old enough to absorb your poor grammar? IMHO that’s more of a threat to her future SAT scores than an adult watching a TV show in her presence when she’s under 6 months old. Imagine how you would feel if someone corrected you and told you that they were protecting their child?</p>
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<p>Really? Was that necessary? Wow. Sometimes the little smiley face isn’t enough to soften the meanness.</p>
<p>Mean? Maybe. Maybe BOTW needs to learn that he isn’t perfect either, and going through life taking note of everyone else’s imperfections is not a great idea.</p>
<p>I think Consolation was spot-on. No harm is going to come if an exhausted young family with a brand new baby decides to take a meal while sitting on the sofa instead of at the table. BOTW seems like the kind who is well-meaning, but who has constructed all kinds of “rules” instead of just going with the flow. </p>
<p>BOTW, if grandma is holding the baby and turns on the TV to catch the news or a favorite show, that is not the same as “letting the little one spend the first few weeks of her life in front of television.” Take a breath. Don’t be the kind of annoying young person who also gets worked up if grandma gives the 4 year old a cookie before dinner every now and then. It’s not worth it. Let it be.</p>
<p>What I get from BOTW, is a young panicky parent who hopes that if he controls everything possible about his baby’s life then he will be able to control her opportunities & options.
I also am picking up someone who is very insecure and so he wants to exert what power he has over situations that aren’t really that big of a deal.
Freaking out over the baby being in the room with a television for example.</p>
<p>I was also neurotic in some situations when my oldest was born.
For instance, my oldest was born 10 weeks early by section for fetal distress. She weighed just under 2 & 1/2 lbs at birth, went down to 1 lb 9 oz after abdominal surgery the day after she was born. ( they thought she had necrotizingentrocolitis, which for a premie is generally fatal). You would think I had enough on my mind. But after I had recovered from my surgery enough to spend 14 hrs a day by her bedside & after she seemed to be recovering, I couldn’t stop fixating on the shape of her forehead- it was asymmetrical , & I was sure that meant some sort of horrible brain damage.
In everything else she was perfect in every way- except in miniature ( she weighed 3lbs 10 oz when she came home).
I eventually forgot about her forehead, because there were other things to worry about ( like when she would get big enough to nurse)- but I think it is a good example of how I was grasping at things that didn’t matter, because I was scared to death that I couldn’t control the things that * did matter*.</p>
<p>I didn’t have help in the beginning, except for my husband- he took 6 weeks off after my oldest came home from hospital & 6 weeks after our 2nd was born ( VBAC).
I didn’t expect help, not from my mom ( who was in the hospital recovering from a nervous breakdown after my oldest was born) & certainly not from my MIL/FIL, who did not even visit the hospital during the 8 weeks my daughter ( & their only grandchild) was there.</p>
<p>My mother tried to give me a great deal of moral support about parenting, but because she wasn’t a perfect parent herself, I discounted it- to my shame later. Now that she is gone at a much younger age than I expected 
( my father died when I was in my teens), I really wish I had been able to appreciate what she could give me & I do appreciate that she always was honestly trying to help.</p>
<p>Grandparents can give so much to a child ( & I am not speaking of monetary goods), & while few have the sort of inlaws they would prefer- parents just get in the way in that relationship. Grandparents/grandkids can have a good relationship regardless of the person they are both related to- I say that with my memory of my own grandparents, & knowing that despite the conduct of my husbands parents, my kids still value their relationship- as they should, & I am glad they have it.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4,I’m not sure BOTW is that young (his profile says he’s 42) but he does seem panicky. He said he doubts his MIL will vist his home again. That would be a shame for his wife and child. I did not have grandmothers growing up(my father was an infant when his mother died and my mother was a toddler when her mother died). I would have loved to have had a grandmother and am happy that my own children have been able to have good relationships with both their grandmothers. I really hope BOTW does not get in the way of his child having a good relationship with the grandmother. He is so negative toward the MIL right now. I do hope he can lighten up with all of this .</p>
<p>If OP is 42, then I amend my earlier comment. I am not part of an “older” village! :D</p>
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<p>It’s time to learn how to accept the failings of lots of people. Wives fail husbands; husbands fail wives; mothers fail children; children fail parents; fellow citizens fail fellow citizens. Compassion and empathy go a long way. Those two things can be learned if they don’t come naturally. Children will model it. If nothing else, don’t fail your children by not modeling compassion, tolerance and empathy. Mean people are rarely happy.</p>
<p>I agree with Emeraldcity’s assessment and that is what I was trying to get across in an earlier post. While 42 is not young, when you have your first child, you regress in certain ways that bring to light issues that maybe have not been resolved for you. That is why I don’t think it’s helpful or okay to just pick on someone because they are struggling with the right way to do things. I do think that BOTW hears what the other posters are saying, even if only some of it is sinking in right now.</p>
<p>Sometimes this forum reminds me of the “girl bullying” that I see at the elementary school I work at. One person says something slightly mean and it seems to give others the permission to pile more on. There is a lot of help, support and compassion here for those that need it and, generally, that is the prevailing spirit but other times…
None of us are perfect and we can only offer what we have in the way of experience. We can’t force the other poster to “get it”. People come around in their own time…or they don’t.</p>
<p>I hope I didn’t come across as mean. Like I said, I like his posts, partly because he reminds me of myself back in the day.</p>
<p>Dr. Brazelton refers to the phenomenon EPTR talks about as “ghosts in the nursery.” I always tried to keep that in mind when I realized something was really pushing my buttons, thinking, “What was that all about?”</p>
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<p>And that is the advice being given. Show help, support and compassion to others - inlaws and strangers included. It’s the least we can do to offer it on a forum. It is much harder and spectacularly more important to offer to people in real life.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay,
No, I thought your post was very insightful. I wasn’t assessing any one poster. It’s just that some of these threads take a tone and once they turn in that direction people jump on the band wagon. I have noticed it with BOTW’s threads, in particular. Like I said, most people and posts are compassionate and kind but, well, i think the anonymous nature of the forum prompts some (including myself, on occasion) posters to be a bit less filtered than they would be if they were at a meeting or support group where they were face to face.</p>
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<p>Yeah, happens with online discussions a lot, imo. Not really commenting on this discussion, just online group communication in general.</p>
<p>It’s just good to remember that there are real people here. It reminds me of one time when I was driving and someone cut me off. I was pi**ed but before I gave in to my anger by “gesturing” or honking or whatever, I noticed that the person who cut me off was someone I knew and I realized that I would have been so embarrassed if I had reacted. Once I realized it was someone I knew rather than an anonymous driver, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. Anyway, not to belabor a point and hijack the thread…just something to think about and, as I said, I’m guilty of it on occasion. I’ve been told by many people in my life that I sometimes have a sharp tongue… I can’t imagine what they mean! :)</p>
<p>agree. I have taken breaks from cc myself when I felt I was being ganged up on. My kids were born in a state three thousand miles from their grandparents. My parents made a effort to flyout once a year and that helped but they never had holidays or regular contact with extended family. There has been virtually no contact with the inlaws It’s been both a curse and a blessing but I do regret that they weren’t closer. My advice is for everyone to breathe.</p>
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I don’t know about the panicky part - maybe yes, maybe no - but I think this is very insightful.</p>
<p>… And not so different from how many of us were as new parents. BOTW, if you are still reading this, I’d like to share with you my observation of my own self and others as first-time parents:</p>
<p>Everything seems momentous. Every possible misstep seems as though it could make or break our child’s future, and it is all on us. When they go through a phase (and believe me, this carries right on through to phases that occur well into their teens), half of our brain knows it is a phase that will pass. The other half fears that our child will be the first one who <em>never</em> passes through this phase and will be doomed.</p>
<p>A good parent, imo, has thought through a child-rearing philosophy, what values are important to instill. I see you doing this. But there isn’t only one way. Many of us come up against this as an issue when our spouses react and handle things differently from what we <em>know</em> (in our infinite wisdom and from our vast reading) to be the one and only correct way. We simply have to get over it. We have to, for the sake of the marriage and of the child. You are fortunate if the “wrong-thinker” (lol) is your MIL and not your wife. But wise counselors and more experienced parents told us… a baby, a child can handle all different styles of parenting (or grandparenting). </p>
<p>So, allow yourself to relax your controls a bit. Think, each time, of what is the greater good… is it more important that an infant’s eyes and ears be protected from exposure to a television for a limited period of time; or is it more important that an infant develop that one-of-a-kind special relationship with a grandparent?</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>If it makes you feel better, BOTW, one of the biggest fights my H and I had was when we were caring for infant twins and doing night feedings. When it was his turn, he would get up and take both babies into the family room and turn on the TV (softly) when he was feeding them. I was livid. And then I realized it didn’t matter.</p>