<p>
</p>
<p>I can relate and almost 20 years later I really regret I wasn’t a more relaxed parent those first couple of years. Anxious parents can make for anxious babies who can turn into anxious children, teens and adults. Not a good thing. Unfortunately, we only had one child, so I never had the opportunity to practice a more relaxed parenting style on the next kid.</p>
<p>Terrific post #119, jmmom! If I force myself to be honest, I have to admit that I was panicky, controlling, and half-nuts with kid #1. Fortunately for all of us, time and the realization that it’s just not possible to raise a child perfectly straightened me out. I especially like this:
That’s great advice.</p>
<p>Maybe that’s why in many cases, our 1st kid is more of a perfectionist than our 2nd. That is what happened in our family. We learned that things didn’t fall apart if we were a bit more casual and improvised more–we think our 2nd, D, is more relaxed and happier because of it!</p>
<p>I think what many on cc could take away from this discussion is that, just like there is no one right way to parent a child, this is no one right COLLEGE for a child. Lots of paths. :)</p>
<p>The question that I have: How do other parents handle the situations when the relatives that arrive don’t respect house rules?</p>
<p>Do you roll over and let the guests run amok?</p>
<p>Do you explain to them what your house rules are and expect them to follow them?</p>
<p>What situations have you experienced with guests and how have you handled them?</p>
<p>God, looking back, I think I was a LUNATIC the first couple of years. I remember being obsessive about certain things. I wish someone had given me a chill pill. lol. I had too kids and I was much more relaxed with the second one. Strangely, though, she is the more anxious of the two.</p>
<p>One thing that all of our kids have going for them, including BOTW’s baby, is that they have parents who are truly invested in them in and committed to doing things right, even if we don’t always succeed.</p>
<p>I’m not a big “rules” person.</p>
<p>I enjoy having some people in the house and others, not so much. I’m not too troubled by what other people are doing, as it is enough of a job to take care of what I am doing. When my kids were really little and babies? I was pretty much just busy.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what it is you are “looking for” from other people, BOTW. But, I find if I expect nothing, I am delighted with everything. </p>
<p>Look, a grandparents job is not anywhere near the same job as a parents job. Also, I have loooooved being an aunt. Completely different. I get to go home. I can stay in a hotel. </p>
<p>If I could go back and do it again, which I cannot, I would worry a heck of a lot less and enjoy the moment much, much more. I am so sentimental now for the early days when my kids were little. I wish I hadn’t been so darn worried. I try to carry that with me, now, remembering that some day I will look back on these days and I don’t want to wish I’d enjoyed them more and worried less.</p>
<p>The best advice anyone can give you is just breathe. Enjoy the moment. Believe it or not, in what seems like ten minutes, your kids will be all grown up.</p>
<p>BOTW,
Coincidentally, in the Globe magazine today the “Miss Conduct” article addressed that very issue. Here is the link.
[Thoughtless</a> guests, plus let your freak flag fly - The Boston Globe](<a href=“http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/articles/2011/05/01/thoughtless_guests_plus_let_your_freak_flag_fly/]Thoughtless”>http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/articles/2011/05/01/thoughtless_guests_plus_let_your_freak_flag_fly/)</p>
<p>I think the key is to pick your battles. Decide what rules are absolutely non-negotiable. In my house it was that my parents couldn’t smoke. I was pretty lucky,otherwise, since my mom and I are pretty much on the same page and she respects my judgements.</p>
<p>If it isn’t a rule that is is about physical and emotional safety of your child you might let it go. Besides, kids grow up knowing that the rules get bent when the grandparents are around. As your child matures you can help her understand that these are exceptions and shouldn’t be expected on a regular basis. Kids do get that.</p>
<p>The only thing that comes to mind in my house was smokng. My MIL smoked, and I made her go outside to smoke, even if it was raining. I was pretty firm about a bedtime, but I really don’t remember people not respecting that. </p>
<p>One thing my father would do that drove me NUTS was that he’d pretend to hear the baby “waking up.” Then he’d go in and get him, even though I KNEW that baby was not awake. My dad was an early riser and wanted entertainment. But that was one of those pick-your-battle things. My grandfather, who I adored, died shortly after ds2 was born. I was willing to overlook it.</p>
<p>I was pretty strict about limiting sweets. My mother – everyone, really – would try to act like my kids were so deprived. I just kept reminding them not to overdo, knowing they probably did when I wasn’t around.</p>
<p>^^^
That’s sweet that your dad would wake the baby up :)</p>
<p>BOTW,If you can pare down your “house rules” to one or two non negotiables (like health or safety issues- no smoking in the house for instance, as others have said), it may help you and your guests feel more comfortable when visiting does take place. As others have suggested, pick your battles. Where do you think your fear that a guest would “run amok” in your home is coming from? I have been a guest many times over the years with relatives as well as a host many times to relatives since nobody lives in our area. We need to travel for visits to take place (and vice versa for relatives visiting us). Limiting the stay of houseguests might help. Most people would tend to say that 3 or 4 days in close quarters with relatives tends to be enough! The more relaxed and less rules oriented the vists are, the more pleasant things seem to be be. Good luck in figuring all of this out.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree. And I was always taught that you want your home to be warm and inviting to house guests (though you don’t want them to get so comfy they overstay their welcome). Having a lot of rules isn’t conducive to an inviting atmosphere. </p>
<p>Non-negotiable rules for us included son must always be in car seat. No smoking around him. I think that was it. Kids need grandparents to dote on them and let them get away with things they can’t at home (like the extra cookie and staying up past bedtime). Kids eat that kind of attention up. It makes them feel special and like they are in cahoots with their grandparents. The way I looked at it, my mom raised 4 children and my MIL two - they had plenty of experience and a little rule breaking was fine, my son would survive.</p>
<p>We did have situation one time when my youngest brother (who was 19 at the time) and his girlfriend (who was 16) were staying with us. I had put my brother and my son (who was 12) down in the playroom and the girlfriend up in son’s room. Well, gf wanted to sleep down with my son and brother and I said no -didn’t think it would be a good example for my pre-teen son. They weren’t real happy with me but that’s about the only time I remember having to enforce a rule with house guests.</p>
<p>BOTW - I can empathize. My in-laws are great, live nearby but they occasionally do things that drive me nuts. My son is their only grandchild and sometimes they had difficulty with boundaries. But I know my son adores them and, at 19, is happy to spend time with them and helping them do things that are getting hard to do in their old age. I think having that relationship with older family members has enriched his life in so many ways.</p>
<p>Our house rules:
<p>After that, not much. If a guest (and my MIL was never treated as a “guest” - she was family) wanted something and I couldn’t grant it, I told the guest. That goes for the “waited on hand & foot” type guest. My favorite phrase has been, “It’s in the fridge/cabinet over the dishwasher/pantry. Help yourself.” Repeat as necessary, and continue with whatever else you were doing. (BTW, this was the same response D got as a teenager to the ever-popular, “Mom, what’s to eat?”)</p>
<p>Chedva, those rules make sense to me. When we have houseguests, we also like to know what their plans are for the day and which meals we’ll be sharing. I need to know to plan the groceries or reservations.
My friend’s mantra about family members is to remember that they are doing the best they can. You will be a lot happier if you just try to see the good in everybody.</p>
<p>Our house rules:</p>
<p>No smoking.</p>
<p>The other stuff is such basic common sense that I never even thought to have a rule about it (eg, carseat/seatbelt; dangerous stuff out of reach). But I suppose if someone was about to flout one of those, they would be non-negotiable for me.</p>
<p>After that, what kind of “house rules” are we talking about? </p>
<p>If the family doesn’t watch much TV, but has one in the house, I’d let guest watch as they pleased. Adult-type shows (I don’t mean x-rated, just too mature) when the kids are too young - I’d make sure the kids had other activities elsewhere or ask the guest to watch in a different room.</p>
<p>The “waited on hand and foot” type guest. For me that is easy. I don’t do it. Tell them to make themselves at home - they know where the fridge is, the washer/dryer. If they were the “pushy” type who still asked me to “fix me a sandwich”, I’d say cheerfully - “oh, please go ahead and help yourself.”</p>
<p>You truly cannot be pushed around in that way unless you allow it.
Just as Chedva says, “Repeat as necessary” and continue with what you were involved in. I’ve got plenty better stuff to think about than to obsess over someone who wants to be waited on. Just ignore.</p>
<p>What exactly is “running amok”? I’ve never had anyone run amok in my house.</p>
<p>Except maybe DS and his cousins when they were toddlers and ran around the house in circles chasing each other ---- which I loved :).</p>
<p>jnmom - I’m thinking the same thing. Running amok conjures up visions of food fights, broken dishes and putting the cat in the dishwasher. None of the things the OP described his MIL doing fits that definition for me. </p>
<p>A really good skill to have is just being able to cut other people some slack.</p>
<p>I have experienced “running amok” with my youngest nephews and my two dogs when the youngest was puppy. (the youngest nephew, that is.)</p>
<p>The amok began in the backyard and ended in the kids bathtub and washing machine and mainly consisted of mud. Perhaps they had run amud. I laughed so hard I cried.</p>
<p>BOTWs comment about people running amok was one of the reasons that I suspected that, perhaps, he came from a home situation where things were out of control. That would explain a lot about his need to plan and his tendency toward rigidity. It is often the people who are brought up in unpredictable, chaotic households that become overly anxious as new parents and obsess on getting it “right”.</p>
<p>While “running amok” to most of us means…well, Cartera’s description (loved that visual by the way), to someone with a lot of anxiety the threshold may be a lot lower.</p>
<p>BOTW, Your child will be a toddler soon enough and will be doing plenty of running amok in your house. Enjoy!</p>