Hi all, D25 ended up accepted at a fantastic university that is so close she could easily take public transit to attend. However, we‘re all excited and committed to her having her own experience, living in the dorm, and forging her own path. For others whose kids ended up studying nearby but moving out, what advice do you have on how to be supportive but foster independence? Do you get together for dinner or coffee on any regular intervals? Do you bring by a care package during midterms or the like? How have you created distance, if needed, to resist the temptation to boomerang home unnecessarily? Perspectives and experiences welcome.
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Not my child, but a close family member attends the university two blocks from our house. We made a mutual commitment to not see each other freshman year until parents weekend. That way she had the traditional amount of time to settle in and adjust.
We let her be the driver of visit frequency and type.
We now see each other typically once/month. It’s been a joy for us having her nearby!
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I could have written same exact post as @momofboiler1! Completely agree.
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Pretend she is 1000 miles away. Let your student decide if she wants to come home for a home cooked meal or just to visit.
I have said before, a resident student at college really is just that.
It’s nice to have the option if she wants it, but I wouldn’t schedule regular coffee or lunch visits.
If it were me, I’d send a care package to be delivered just like many of the other kids will be getting. I wouldn’t drive it over.
I’d give this kid the same space to be part of her college as a student who is further away.
And if you see her more often…view it as a bonus.
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We live in Cambridge and DS2 attended MIT. We certainly saw him more than a couple times per semester (he said later he wished it had been even more, now that he’s in graduate school hundreds of miles away). The most useful thing was that when he needed something, we could help him. It was annoying when he borrowed our [only] car. 
One of the things I’m realizing the older I get, is that kids grow up and move away pretty quickly in the scheme of things. I would say, don’t follow any “rules” except what all of you think are reasonable. I mean, don’t show up at their room unannounced, obviously.
ETA: it was a special thing that we could meet his friends and then gf (now fiancee). In fact, since her parents live fairly close as well, we all had an impromptu outing together on the afternoon that they got engaged. I think as a continuation of attachment parenting, when the child asks for a connection, they should get one. And even if they don’t ask, you should offer.
I wouldn’t worry about boomeranging if she’s excited to attend college.
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We disregarded all the usual advice. While D lives in the dorms during the week, she comes home almost every weekend. This works for us. She is quite independent, has made many friends, goes to parties, and all that good stuff. But weekends she likes to sleep where it’s quiet and eat healthy, home cooked meals. And see her dog. This helps her decompress from the stresses of college. She overall loves her college, has made good friends, and is generally well-adjusted as she wraps up her sophomore year. But she likes to take breaks from it on the weekends.
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Our oldest was only 30 miles away with no car, she was very independent, she’d take the train home infrequently freshman year, we’d go to choral concerts. Sophomore year she came home every weekend until November when her grandmother passed (aggressive cancer, 4 months). My mom kept telling her to stay at college on the weekends until I explained to my mom her granddaughter wanted to be with her. That was a nice benefit of being close (she actually commuted her last semester of her masters in accounting).
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After an extensive college search it turned out that S’s best fit acceptance (academics, finances, socially) was a college very close to home. We actually sat down to discuss it before he committed. We (parents) agreed to never “pop by” campus and to not expect him home other than school holidays. In return S promised to not use being close to home as a crutch (ex. no coming by with laundry, etc.). It worked out great – he had a wonderful and full life on campus.
Over the years there were occasional exceptions made (always at his request). It worked out incredibly well for us.
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Do you have any more specific details to share about that conversation and expectations? I mean, I love this approach, I’m just worried there might be things we aren’t thinking of, like setting expectations about doctors appointments or dropping off forgotten hiking boots or the like.
Even still, this is super helpful. Thank you!
Sent you a PM.
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ShawD and ShawWife had a very, very close relationship through age 12 or so and then the separation battles became harder, in part because ShawWife had difficulty separating. So, ShawD decided to go to school relative far away (no direct flights, 7 hour drive). In part, she wanted separation from her mother. But, after the first semester, she transferred to a school that is 20 mins from us. When she returned, she was concerned that ShawWife was going to drop in unannounced for breakfast.
We probably saw her at most every other week – we took her out for dinner. Sometimes there were events at her godparents house.
At the end of freshman year, ShawD wanted to rent an apartment as the dorms were expensive and the food was terrible, but no one would rent to undergrads so we bought a condo in walking distance of the school and rented out one of the BRs to two of her dorm roommates. Other than being a landlord, I think it was probably still every other week at most. The funny thing is that we were incredibly busy people at that stage of our lives. Dropping in for breakfast was not going to happen, though ShawD’s concern was based on some real past behavior.
We would ask if she wanted us to drop by and take her out for dinner and I think she felt free to say “No” or “I’m busy” (she was as a nursing student often with one or more part-time jobs) or “I’m going out with my friends.” It did not feel strained.
She moved to CA and then back and lives 20-30 minutes from here. We now see her about once a week. She drives out here (with or without her partner). Less frequently, we take her out for dinner. We talk several times a week – she’s renovating the house she bought almost two years ago and has design questions for ShawWife and finance/business questions for me.
I think @fretfulmother’s experience in similar to ours. We ask, are respectful, help when we can but have busy lives. We are thrilled to see her and talk to her as often as we do. I think she feels supported and loved. We miss seeing our son – he is on the other coast. We are going to spend a weekend with him soon. But, it is delightful to have our daughter nearby (and she moved back from CA to be near us). Both kids say that they would like to raise their kids in the suburb/exurb where they grew up and we still live. There are no grandkids yet, so we will see.
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D23 is at a close college. For us, whether she is 30 or 3000 miles away, she is at college, and we give her space to learn how to adult on her own. Before she left we told her we are here for her no matter how close or far she is, but that it was her time to get to figure things out, which she was excited about.
We made it a policy from the beginning to never visit her unless she asks, which honestly was tough, because her campus is GORGEOUS. She performs, so we are happy to see her for her concerts. We never set up regular times like dinners to get together. We let her lead. I’ve dropped a care package once or twice (with her advance ok) for her suite - Christmas or Easter baskets for her and her friends. But I would do that no matter where she is - because she has awesome roommates. 
Freshman year we saw her about once every 3 weeks, but this year she has a car and a boyfriend so she only pops home occasionally, and mostly to take a break from her (nice but numerous) suitemates, sleep all day on a Sunday, eat good food, or give her mom a turn at doing a load of laundry LOL.
Honestly, for us there have been no ‘cons’ having her close by, but every kid/family is different. She has always been pretty independent and good at embracing change. Happy to answer any other specific questions, and CONGRATS!! 
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My friends’ son was about 15 minutes away, and he usually came home on Sunday afternoons to do his laundry, eat, watch the Packers. He often brought his same age cousin home too (or she could come on her own as her parents were 1.5 hours away). If his dad was near the University around lunch, he’d call and ask if son was available for a quick lunch. Yes or no, not a big deal. They also often went to sporting events together.
My nephew was at a school about 45 minutes away. He came home when he wanted to, but most often that was because of an event HE had near his parents’ house, like a hs friend home from college or a party. They are all early risers and found the best time for the parents to visit campus was on Sunday mornings for breakfast as the school cafeterias didn’t open until 9 or 10 on Sundays, and nephew wanted to eat earlier than that so they’d go up, eat, and head home before 10.
I think it just works out. My college roommate’s home was about 2 hours away and her mother came about once a month, always brought us groceries and TP, and often took us out to lunch. I liked it!
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The president of SMU has a “500 mile” contract he offers to local parents and students. I haven’t seen the actual agreement (it’s voluntary of course) but it supposedly lays out parameters for how parents and students will act as though every are 500 miles away from each other even if they are nearby.
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Does he let them all come to his house to do laundry every week if they can’t go home to do it?
I appreciate the intent, but IMO this should be a student/family driven decision.
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It’s obviously a student family driven decision. The fact that he’s created a template students and families can use if they choose to do so, and offered his support, if they request it, in no way undermines the “family-driven” nature of this decision.
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S22 attends a college about 1 hour away by public transit (45 min drive with light traffic, 2.5 hr drive with heavy traffic). The first year, we had to have an explicit conversation about “are you visiting home cuz you miss us and want to spend time, so we should make sure we don’t have other plans? OR are you visiting home cuz you want to visit your local friends and borrow a car and we just need to add that into the usual weekend juggling of resources?” Once it was laid out that we were ok with being a “car & bed” resource, and we didn’t need “family togetherness time” every visit, things got smoother, and less emotionally fraught. We saw S22 more often the first year, and less often as he’s settled in (and his friends up here have realized they can go down and visit, too).
You know how you see your kid less senior year because they’re always doing stuff for school or with friends or sports or plays or whatever? It’s like another stage of that, with our S22. We had to readjust our family dynamic with C25 so that we’re a 3-person nuclear family with the occasional visit with S22 popping us back up to 4-person unit. But, we don’t have a standing coffee date, or mall visit or whatever. S22 is at college, and on a college schedule.
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D22 goes to school 19 miles away.
Freshman year she came home a lot, but it was a suitcase school. I think she would have liked to stay up there more. We never went up to visit her. She’s not the kind that would want that.
Sophomore year she came home every weekend (starting on Thursday as she had no Friday classes) to sleep and shower because she said the dorm showers were gross and her roommate snored. She would still spend all weekend with her roommate (who just happened to live in the next town, they did not know each other before going to college) and the roommate would often sleep over. In my daughter’s room (we have multiple guest rooms). Snoring…
This year (junior year) she is living at home. She liked the idea of living in the dorms, but she hated that they were “gross”. They funny thing is I think she spends more nights on campus now than she did when she lived there. She stays either in her old roommate’s apartment (she is friends with all of the roomies) or with another friend. I like that we are saving a lot of money, but I feel like she is mooching off of her friends. We make sure to send her up with groceries and tell her to take them out to dinner on her (our) credit card every so often. I feel like when she is home now, she is consciously chosing to spend time with us rather than it just being because she lives here.
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Most of what I had to say is already covered in the various replies to this thread, but I will say that I especially enjoy being able to attend our son’s orchestra concerts!
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