<p>One of my kids is on a plane to a vacation right now. Accidentally, I found irrefutable evidence that she lied to me about something very, very serious and committed an act that is contrary to our values and lifestyle. We told her that if this happened again she would have to move out of our house. I’m not going to go into further details, but does anyone have an opinion as to whether we should let her know during the vacation that this has happened or if we should wait till she comes home. Not a little thing here, something that has devastated my husband and me.</p>
<p>I would not bring it up until she gets home. </p>
<p>1) Telling her now requires you to do so via telephone - and something this serious needs to be dealt with face to face. </p>
<p>2) Secondly, telling her now means that she will be distracted during her entire vacation - and while she is traveling, she needs to have her wits about her for her own safety. </p>
<p>I’m sorry for you and your family - and will have you all in my thoughts.</p>
<p>Not knowing the issue (and I certainly understand why you would keep that private), I think I would wait until she returns, and you can have a face to face dicussion with her, since this is a very serious situation. Also, the delay may give you time to formulate your next step. I’m very sorry you’re facing this.</p>
<p>I also am sorry that this happened. It’s so hard to spend our lives trying to teach our kids right from wrong … and then they do something that just puts the knife right in our backs. I often ask my H when it will get easier. I got my answer one day on the comics page, when Crankshaft said parenting is a life sentence! You are in my thoughts & prayers.</p>
<p>I agree that you should wait. Really important matters are best discussed face to face. Also … and I consider this a big thing … you don’t want to give the kid time to formulate a rebuttal. The element of surprise will work in your favor.</p>
<p>Hang in there. We are in your corner.</p>
<p>I guess I would caution that hardly any evidence is “irrefutable.” It may look exceptionally bad, but if this is something so serious that you would ask your child to leave your house over it, I would proceed very cautiously.</p>
<p>THanks guys. I think you’re right about waiting.
Kelsmom, good tip about the element of surprise Hadn’t thought of that.</p>
<p>I wonder if it’s possible to actually die of a broken heart.</p>
<p>Actually a broken heart is a good lead in to an analogy that just occurred to me:</p>
<p>If we were to advise our daughters on how to break up with their boyfriends, would we say send them a text or give them a phone call? No, we would say it needs to be done face to face.</p>
<p>Well, obviously what is happening in your family is more important than any teenage romance breakup - and therefore it is even more important that it be handled face to face.</p>
<p>hugs coming your way</p>
<p>This will be a very tough week for you though - (is she gone for the week?) - please let us be part of your support if support is needed…</p>
<p>I agree with the others about waiting on one hand, but also know on the other hand that if you are anything like me, it is very, very hard to wait and not deal with it right away. </p>
<p>My heart is with you and your husband.</p>
<p>ZM, I agree with the above suggestions. First, Id be very concerned about your daughter being alone and unsupervised, exposed to so much stress and facing a prospect of being forced out of her home upon her return. Who knows how shell act in this situation this is very scary. Secondly, this situation is too serious to be dealt with in a hurry. You and your H must think very long and hard about your next steps; giving a warning for a situation that MAY happen is quite different from taking an action when this situation DID happen. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Which is the greater issue, the lifestyle/values choice or the lying about it?</p>
<p>I can’t presume to tell you what to do in this situation. I think though that in light of the earlier ultimatum the lying while certainly undesirable and perhaps unacceptable is understandable under the circumstances.</p>
<p>One of the really difficult things about ultimatums such as the one you and your husband gave your daughter is that you then have to be prepared to follow through with them. I certainly don’t envy your situation.</p>
<p>
It’s not really that, it was just the best choice of words I could come up with. It was much, much more serious than that.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I figured that was the case. I only used those words in order to pose my question in terms of yours.</p>
<p>I also agree you should wait for her return. In the mean time, put pen to paper and write down everything you think you want to say to her. Getting your thoughts together with some time to tweak your words will allow you and your husband to not be so emotionally when you speak to your daughter. </p>
<p>I know I would go crazy having to wait, but I also know it is the right thing to do. Your broken heart will heal and maybe you will be able to trust your daughter once again. Is there a professional you might be able to get help from before you approach your daughter? Someone that has experience dealing with the type of problem you are going through; a psychiatrist, clergy, family doctor; is there someone you can speak to for more information in dealing with this issue? </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and I am thinking about you.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you are in this situation. 
I would definitely wait until she comes home to confront her. In the meantime, you can come up with possibilities for action that would be appropriate. If you are going to have her move out, you could research some options- where she might go, decide how much help you are willing to provide, conditions under which she might be allowed to return, etc. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re emotionally devastated.
The extra time will help you regain equilibrium, which will make the confrontation less emotional and will probably result in a better outcome for your family.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters. I wanted to say that I am sorry that your heart is so heavy right now. I know that it will be a long week to wait to discuss the matter.</p>
<p>Although this might sound harsh, to determine whether you are really prepared to ask her to leave your home, you may want to start packing for her. That will help you crystallize your decision, and may even make the whole thing more real to your d, who may have suspected that you were bluffing last time.</p>
<p>I wish there were something more we could do for you. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you; the fact that you are a loving mother has always come through crystal clear in your posts.</p>
<p>I hope this all can work out for you somehow.</p>
<p>You’re all amazing and I’m very grateful. I am going to sit with pen and paper and organize my thoughts, and I’m also going to start packing for her. At least I’ll have my feet under me by the time she comes back.</p>
<p>I have nothing to offer but cookies and hugs and best wishes and a fresh box of tissues.</p>
<p>Zoosermom–I agree with those who say that it would be better to wait and have this conversation in person.</p>
<p>I hope you and your H have someone close with whom you can talk about this before she gets home. It might be good right now, when you are so broken-hearted and upset (as any of us would be) to be able to talk through this with someone who knows and loves both you and your D.</p>
<p>I don’t presume to have insights you wouldn’t. I’m wondering, as gently as possible, if there might be a path that, with some support from those you know and who know you and your family, would find a way through this which honors your past position towards what your D has done, yet finds a mediated position besides a complete split.</p>
<p>Ignore if this is out of line. My own observations shy from ultimatums and possibly irrevocable situations. I know that my life approach is not everyone’s; it’s my nature, though, to counsel for mediation.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry zmom. I think waiting is a good idea. I pray that you can all find a path toward resolution and forgiveness.</p>