<p>honestly without knowing what she did all of this means nothing</p>
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<p>I sincerely hope so. I’m just not sure based on the history here if she is willing to even meet us halfway. Doesn’t seem so, but who knows?</p>
<p>Well, it does mean <em>something</em> – the poster’s child has done something the poster in the past informed the child would result in the child’s removal from the house. I do agree though that lack of details makes it difficult to offer any more specific advice than proceed cautiously and rationally.</p>
<p>Personally, it doesn’t much matter to me what the child has done – we each have our own moral and behavioral code for ourselves and our children. To me, the more important question is, how old is the child? Fifteen can be a lot different than seventeen, and of course eighteen is technically an adult . . .</p>
<p>I can only imagine your heartbreak right now. I am so sorry. I agree with other posters who recommend not confronting your daughter until her return, though I’m sure it will be very difficult to have apparently “normal” conversations if you talk on the phone in the interim. Having this forced delay between your discovery and the next step with your daughter may be advantageous since it provides you with a chance to move beyond your initial devastation to a more measured look at the situation and your response to it. I do not mean to suggest that you are wrong in intending to follow through with your ultimatum, but rather to suggest that this may enable you to do so in a manner that you will not later regret – e.g., escalating the situation and saying things that you will later regret (as I have sometimes done when responding viscerally and immediately). Take care.</p>
<p>Already, she’s almost 19.</p>
<p>I don’t care what she did. Don’t throw her out. Find another way. </p>
<p>My mother was big on ultimatums and telling us how awful we were. Last night I described her to someone as a “mean old (w)itch.” She was, but I never spent more than one minute with her after the age of 17 unless I absolutely had to. I didn’t hug her or tell her anything about my life. I haven’t cried once since she died (about that anyway). </p>
<p>And I regret that I had such a terrible relationship with her, now that I’ve seen what a little work, and a lot of give-and-take can mean. I like my daughter, and I spend time with her, and we actually talk. I look forward to meeting my (eventual) grandchildren. </p>
<p>Don’t wreck your relationship with your daughter.</p>
<p>Throwing a child out of the house accomplishes nothing. There are only a few parental actions that may cause irreversible harms. Asking a child to leave is among them, and I can’t think of any act that would justify such an action. (For all I know, you may just have found out that your child is an Obama supporter.)</p>
<p>As parents, we are only as happy as the unhappy child but that is unlikely true for our children. So take a deep breath and plan something that will be more constructive or more forgiving.</p>
<p>edit: crossed posted with dmd77 on our view on throwing out a child.</p>
<p>padad, under the circumstances, I would appreciate it if you would stay out of this thread.</p>
<p><a href=“For%20all%20I%20know,%20you%20may%20just%20have%20found%20out%20that%20your%20child%20is%20an%20Obama%20supporter.”>quote</a>
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<p>As if stalking my prior posts and attacking me on other threads wasn’t enough, this is vicious even for you.</p>
<p>Growing up I had a best friend who was thrown out of his family’s home at 17 and ended up living with my family for a couple of months. Given that background and what I saw there, please accept the following as well meaning input. </p>
<p>First of all, you need to decide if you really really meant it. And, assuming that you are going to throw her out, is it permanent or are there circumstances where she would be allowed back? Will she be allowed back for day visits - e.g. to pick up forgotten stuff? How about the holidays? Do you intend to have a relationship going forward - and if so, what would that look like?</p>
<p>Assuming that you and your husband do decide to follow through and have her move out, please make sure that she has somewhere to go - in other words give her a path she can follow. In my experience, simply saying “goodbye” is going to make an already horrible situation worse. My friend was kicked out with the clothes on his back and nothing else. He was confused, had no expectation that this was coming, and had no idea where to turn or what to do.</p>
<p>I would not start packing for her - let her decide what she is going to take and what she is going to leave behind. She already will have the basics with her as a part of the vacation suitcase. I am assuming that while she would no longer welcome to live with you, she would be able to retrieve items left behind and that you would store other items for her.</p>
<p>I can imagine a situation where asking a child to leave would be in their best interest, as well as best for siblings and others in the family. She’s almost 19- an adult, and I imagine is very capable of supporting herself. If she is conducting herself in a way that brings danger to herself or to others in the family (illegal drug use might be an example), having to fend for herself might be the kind of wake-up call she needs. The adult daughter knows that what she has done will devastate her parents, yet she chose to do it anyway. Isn’t it time, perhaps, that the young woman find a place to live where her actions don’t cause so much heartache? As long as she can be safe in her new home, and isn’t out on the street, I don’t see the harm in telling her that it’s time to leave the nest.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have a place to go? Please, please, please make sure she won’t be homeless. No one deserves that. Especially if the problem with her is drug-related–kicking her out might cause her to tackle her problems, or it might just make them worse. Please make sure she has a friend’s couch to crash on and isn’t going to spiral downward.</p>
<p>If she left, she would likely go to my mother’s house. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that, but it may very will have to. We also have two other younger kids at home, which is part of the equation.</p>
<p>Oh dear. Almost 19 is really hard. A younger child and it might be worth thinking about did she really understand the consequences of her choices, but it’s difficult to ask that about a 19 year old. If it were my child (and mine is almost 17, so I don’t speak from experience) I might want to approach the conversation with a lot of questions–Did she understand what you said before? Did she believe you? What does she expect you to do now? What does she expect to do now?</p>
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God only knows. I wish I could answer those questions.</p>
<p>Okay, living at a grandmother’s house actually sounds like it could be a good idea. She can have a loving, familiar place to work out her problems, but with the understanding that she made a Big Mistake and is not welcome with her parents. When I was 16, I lived with my godparents for several months. It was a great solution. Living with my parents was too emotional for everyone involved; living with my godparents took that aspect away and made it easier on everyone.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.</p>
<p>zoosermom - I think tough love is so hard, but parents need to set boundaries, especially when there are other children still living at home. Everyone here seems to agree that waiting until she gets home is the way to go, and I agree, too. However, I’ve found that sometimes the longer time goes on before I have the chance to confront someone, the softer I become… this can be good or bad. How you feel now, will probably be different than how you feel a week from now. So go easy on yourself as you question the ramifications of any decisions you make. I can feel your disappointment and anger through cyberspace, but expect that to wax and wane in the ensuing days. You need to express your feelings today (writing is an excellent idea), but don’t be surprised if, when you read it several days from now, you see things differently (again, your feelings could vacilate between more intense or less intense). </p>
<p>I can’t imagine the pain you are going through.</p>
<p>Scarfmadness, thanks much. My mom’s might be a good place for her to go because my mom is tough but patient and has all the time and attention in the world to focus on my daughter. Things just haven’t been right for this kid since she got sick. Everything’s gone to heck.</p>
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<p>I’m the same way. I tell myself that it couldn’t be that bad if it didn’t kill me.</p>
<p>I will take it on faith that zoosermom & zooserdad have considered the alternatives. I can think of several scenarios in which it is necessary for the child (“tough love”) or for the safety and sanity of the rest of the family for the child to be removed from the home. It is clear that this ultimatum was not stated lightly, nor was the decision to make it reached without serious thought and love.</p>
<p>I assume that your mother knows of all of this, and would agree to take your daughter? If that’s the case, she may be the best one for you to talk to and lean on now. Sometimes even we adults need our mommys!</p>
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Exactly! Mom knows and thinks some distance would be a good thing because she’s not as emotionally invested and she brings no guilt to this particular table.</p>