<p>ZM - I have no advice, just {{hugs}}.</p>
<p>You and your whole family will be in my thoughts.</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone. Frandg, we’ve hooked up with a highly-recommended counsellor and will be going later this week.</p>
<p>Glad to hear it, you are in my thoughts. Be proud that you care enough for you child to ensure that they stay safe and do not endanger others. All the best.</p>
<p>Oh, ZM. I’m so sorry to read this. </p>
<p>I’ve thought several times as I’ve read posts & threads by you that you remind me of my own mother-loving, understanding, patient, but firm when you need to be. Not to mention being very close to your daughter.</p>
<p>I also think you’re approaching this much in the way that my own mother would…no kick-out, but drastic reduction of support (except I don’t have a job, so I don’t know if mom and dad would go that far if they didn’t realistically expect me to live up to my half).</p>
<p>I’m definitely here for you & yours. You will all be in my prayers as you jump this hurdle. I’m glad that you decided not to kick her out…as others have said, that can indeed permanently damage a relationship. It sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job already.</p>
<p>I can’t believe the friend’s parents are willingly allowing an illegal activity to occur in their home. Unbelievable. I think you’re right in contacting police if your D is involved again…that’s dangerous. </p>
<p>Stand your ground and stay strong. Hugs, good thoughts & prayers all coming to you. <333</p>
<p>Definitely tell the other parents (after you talk to ZG). I never would have known what was going on with my D if another caring parent hadn’t told me. She approached me very cautiously, and said, “I’m telling you this because if it were my child I would want someone to tell me.” Her quiet demeanor was helpful because I didn’t get defensive, I knew she was coming from a place of caring and concern. Just something to keep in mind.</p>
<p>edit: Oops, just re-read your post, you said the other parents “knowingly allowed” the other activity to occur in their house. So perhaps just approaching them in a matter-of-fact manner would be better after all!</p>
<p>I’m not sure what to do about notifying the other parents. I’ve since found out that there are two houses where things are going on and then kids are leaving and getting in cars under the influence. I have come to believe that some of the kids, who are friends of my daughter’s best friend’s sister (that’s one of the houses) are as young as 15/16 years old. I believe that one of the two families knows at least some of what goes on, although I don’t know how much, and think that everyone does it so it’s ok. The other family I don’t know at all, but I do know that they are wealthy, arrogant people who go to their country home every weekend leaving their son to run wild in their home. I have also obtained photographs which, interestingly to me, are much less incriminating to my daughter than I would have thought (which may just mean that she was smart enough to stay out of the camera view). There’s a part of me very angry right now that wants to write a letter to both parents enclosing pictures and telling them that I will go to the authorities if anything ever happens to any kids at or leaving their homes. Ok guys, save me from my anger and help me figure out how to proceed. thanks!</p>
<p>If you have photographs, why not just go to the authorities now, before some kid gets hurt, or G-d forbid, hurts some innocent person? Show them the pictures and let them investigate. I see no reason for you to deal with the other parents at all. That would most likely end badly.</p>
<p>I never thought of that Chedva. Hubby and I have no real history of substances or illegal behavior. I’m completely lost. Would the police take me seriously?</p>
<p>so it is drugs?</p>
<p>They would in our neighborhood. </p>
<p>My kids would would be extremely upset if I contacted parents or authorities. I have contacted authorities once, and for a good reason, but with my son’s permission after much discussion first. I had no regrets, and things were accomplished by doing this. I did it because physical threats were made against one of my kids. You might want to consider discussing this with your child first, even if you are 100% sure that you will go to authorities with or without her blessing. We did this, but we did have our son’s reluctant agreement after reasoning with him first (he was in junior high at the time). He was worried about being tortured by peers at school for making a complaint. He did receive a few comments, but it blew over quickly. It was worth it, because we don’t know what might have happened if we had not proceeded. The authorities were able to take action.</p>
<p>It is not drugs. As I’ve already said.</p>
<p>NEM, that’s good advice. I will speak to her when she gets back. I may even speak with the best friend and tell her that when she allowed these pictures of her house to be available she put me and other adults in a terrible position because there is clearly illegal activity occurring.</p>
<p>I agree that if the illegal activities are going on with the other parents’ knowledge, it would be unwise for you to contact those parents, who may become vindictive toward you. Instead, go to the authorities with your evidence.</p>
<p>When the police find out about illegal activities involving, for instance, parents who allow underaged offspring to have kegger parties, it’s typically because some other parents turn the offenders in. </p>
<p>I agree that if some tragedy happens and you haven’t let police know, that would be a heavy burden for you to bear.</p>
<p>I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t even think of that (although i just received the pictures this evening). I’ve been wringing my hands and it never crossed my mind.</p>
<p>just a thought - can you send copies of the photos and/or information anonymously to the police and the parents, and CC each copy so that the police know the parents are aware, and the parents know the police are aware, but then you’re not getting your daughter involved?</p>
<p>Zoosermom,
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are under a lot of stress after getting a heart wrenching surprise. </p>
<p>I don’t suggest sending the pictures to the parents who are involved. Doing so – even anonymously – could make the parents suspicious of you, and people who allow illegal activities to go on in their home could be very vindictive. You are under no responsibility to attempt to protect the parents from the consequences of their unwise behavior.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I am so sorry this is happening. My very best to all of you. You have always struck me as a very bright, concerned parent and I’m sure you and zooserhusband will figure this all out.</p>
<p>Well if it’s not drugs it’s alcohol–because sex wouldn’t affect the driving.</p>
<p>Binge drinking is the social norm for a huge percentage of 19 year olds. </p>
<p>Were you seriously considering throwing a troubled 19 year old out of the house because of binge drinking? I’m not sure even virulent prohibitionists like mini and i-dad would go to that extreme.</p>
<p>You’ve been living wrapped in cotton wool, zmom. Perhaps you imagined that z-girl would slide through these social pitfalls without erring–but many many teens fall prey to binge drinking. It’s human error, often nothing more sinister than peer pressure taken hold. </p>
<p>It’s up to you to guide her through the temptations. I’m afraid it won’t be possible to punish her through to the other side. </p>
<p>It’s not easy. The best counselors are parents who have successfully steered Wild Children through to the other side.</p>
<p>^^ Come on! Give Z-mom some credit! She isn’t throwing a kid out because of drinking. There is clearly more to the story and she has chosen not to get into the specifics.</p>
<p>well, alcohol is a drug…</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I’m in a similar position regarding photos. I was checking on my D’s Facebook, and she had “notifications” about friends’ posting pictures so I thought I’d see what they were up to, and there are 3 different photos with a nude teenage boy in them (they are not explicit/full front, but the boys are clearly nude). The same boy is in 2 photos, a different boy in the third, they were taken by different people on different days at different events. D is “friends” with the boys in the photos, but I don’t know them personally. One of D’s female teammates is in also in two of the pictures, and in one it appears there may be sexual activity about to occur (she’s fully dressed in one, and in a bikini in another). I don’t know either of the parents but I have been debating printing these photos out, and sending them to the parents anonymously. I think these parents should know that these photos of their kids are on the web! But I haven’t done it yet…</p>