<p>Neighbor’s D is graduating next week. Is graduating with a 3.2, ACT 19 I think. Had a plan to go to a out of town CC type campus with a friend, but friend backed out at last minute, so neighbor D has been on a new search for the last month - VERY last minute! Her searching was actually with her aunt - her parents for different reasons did not make any college visits with her. One of the schools she visited was my D’s school - because they offer a dance minor and she “loves to dance”. My D’s school is a smaller private, very rural, many students could be considered “study nerds”. Neighbor’s D is very social, not big into studying and always on the go out with friends, etc. She got accepted to my D’s school this week - her parents think she might go there (even though they have not visited there with her yet). This school is not cheap - barely short of $40,000 a year. They will have lots of loans. </p>
<p>For many reasons I feel red lights. The caliber of student. The lack of big time social life and city options. The snap decision. The fact that mom is already talking that her D can come home on weekends for socialization. Yikes. </p>
<p>They were asking us lots of questions tonight (the parents). I tried to be honest without being negative. Suggested that they talk and ask many many question to my D when she returns home next week. Suggested they pick a day and my D would be happy to take them down and give them a tour (she is happy to do this). </p>
<p>It feels awkward. I don’t want to burst their bubble especially when I know they are grasping at straws to make a decision for her. But at the same time, I smell trouble and uncertainty at a large cost. </p>
<p>As parents who didn’t visit schools with their daughter I don’t think they understand “fit”. As parents who visited MANY , we do understand fit.</p>
<p>We will continue to answer questions honestly. My D will offer to take them to the school for a look (though it will be summer session - not the same). What would you do? Anything different?</p>
<p>I think no matter what you say it will be a problem; if you encourage & are positive - if things don’t work out you’ll be to blame, if you spell out the downsides for their child you will be seen as negative.</p>
<p>I think I would be really, really busy the next couple of weeks.</p>
<p>Agreed with Oldfort…the family has made a decision with their daughter. They are happy with it. There is no need to burst their bubble. It will be what it will be…and maybe it will work out just fine. Most colleges do not accept students who they think will flunk out. </p>
<p>Give them info about the school, but I would suggest NOT giving them negative advice about their daughter’s enrollment there. There is nothing to gain by doing so.</p>
<p>Do not say anything. You cannot predict the outcome. It is entirely possible that this girl will thrive, be active on campus and have a great 4 years. I highly doubt the school would have accepted her if they thought she would fail. 3.2 if unweighted is a perfectly acceptable high school GPA. It is entirely possible you are incorrect with her ACT score, but even if you not, that is, I think, a 50% ACT and who knows maybe she only took it one time.</p>
<p>If they had visited themselves and seen with their own eyes I would feel more “it’s their decision” and not worry about it. I know it’s NOT my worry, but I guess I can’t help but feel I want to guide them since they are asking so many questions…</p>
<p>It was especially disturbing because as we were talking tonight they shared the story of another neighbor down the street whose freshman D (who is friends with their D) who returned from a year at a small, rural school out of state and who is not planning to go back cause she was totally bored and missed family. I feel like there was a message in there somewhere!!!</p>
<p>Her mom told me ACT 18 or 19…that I am certain.</p>
<p>I of course, would not say anything bluntly negative. I want to encourage, want to help (as/when they ask for it). I just want to be sure they know what they are getting into - especially since they have not done any actual visits with their D.</p>
<p>Could you give them a book with very generlized guidance on the importance of “fit” and various decision-making criteria?</p>
<p>Or sit with them by your computer, looking at College Confidential together, just to see the kinds of things people think and talk about when making decisions.</p>
<p>Use the searchword “fit” and see if some threads come up that you pre-read and might send their thinking in productive directions.</p>
<p>That way, you’re not talking about that college or either daughter, but the decision-making process in general.</p>
<p>If someone pressed me on what I thought about any of the 3 colleges my kid attended for their kid, I think I’d phrase things with, “When I visit, it seems to me that it’s a very (sociable) (unsociable) atmosphere” or "from listening to my kid it sounds as though the happier students there are (those who live to study) or (those who need to be spoon-fed by professors) or (independent types who make their own entertainment). Whatever applies and is true from what you’ve seen. </p>
<p>Make no direct judgments, comments or recommendations on what they should do. And if they press you on whether she’d be happy there, say, “You know your daughter best” but don’t get pulled into that trap, for all the reasons oldfort and others put forward. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t be concerned about “caliber of student” since the Admissions committee there evidently thinks she is their caliber. Even social patterns change for some. </p>
<p>Financially, show them a few threads here where parents discuss the issues of loan repayments. Let them read and make their own conclusions.</p>
<p>I’m having a hard time getting my hands around a school that accepted a kid with a 19 ACT only having study nerds. Maybe she’ll find her people?</p>
<p>Might I gently suggest you detach a bit from their decision? Lots of people do make mistakes–and if they don’t care to visit the school, what can they expect but to maybe have to make a course correction down the road. Many people do not have the talent or interest in researching well, and they do figure things out eventually. </p>
<p>It can be hard on us when our kids’ school accepts students that seem less deserving (academically) than our hard-working focused kids. Perhaps that feeling of dismay is also coming into play here?</p>
<p>I agree with HMom on this one. I also think a school that is accepting scrambling students nearly three weeks past May 1 isn’t very competitive. this is not to say that it’s not a great school, but I think there are probably a wider range of students than OP’s daughter.</p>
<p>I also think there is some sort of “stepping on toes” syndrome going on here between OP and the neighbor. It’s just a hunch, but I imagine they’d like their daughter to go to school and be successful rather than have that experience marred with neighborly interjections of " my daughter told us that your daughter…" In any event, a messenger will likely be shot and so what I would do is encourage them to do the research (although I wouldn’t do a search on here of “fit” since this very thread is likely to pop up and I am guessing she might see herself in the OP’s introductory words.</p>
<p>What’s wrong with being honest?Just tell them for “D it is great fit. She likes x, y, c. What she doesn’t like is a,b ,c. Everyone is different, you really need to visit to see if you feel comfortable.”</p>
<p>I agree with Modadunn’s post about stepping on toes. Hopefully the school is big enough so that your daughter won’t have to associate with your neighbor’s D if she does not want to.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that not everyone places as much stock in the notion of “fit” as CC parents. A lot of people have a far more casual approach: i.e., the kid will pick a college, enroll … if she likes it, great… if not, she’ll withdraw after a semester or a year and transfer somewhere else. On CC the choice of college is treated as if it is the most important and momentous decision the child will make in their entire life… but there are other people who view it more like the decision of where to plan their next family vacation.</p>
<p>To the OP: I think its possible that you and your daughter invested so much time and effort into choosing the right “fit” that the problem may simply be that you have formed your own preconceived image of the college, with your daughter in mind… and you just can’t “see” your neighbor’s daughter there. But that is your subjective impression – not objective reality.</p>
<p>I’d also note that kids change. My d was alway a strong student, but also very social, on-the-go – not one to spend a Friday night in her room reading. When she got accepted to super-reach schools, I cautioned her and asked her to seriously consider whether she would be happy in such an academically demanding environment. She opted for the challenge… and she changed. She has become much more of a quiet, study-a-lot person. I was kind of sad - I missed the funny Cal-daughter – the new serious Cal-daughter is not quite as much fun to have around – but that’s also part of the process of growing up. </p>
<p>It may be that from the college’s point of view, the neighbor’s daughter brings exactly the element of “fun” that seems to need improvement at their campus. That is… maybe they would like to see students who help spark up the social life on campus by joining and participating in social clubs.</p>
<p>“Keep in mind that not everyone places as much stock in the notion of “fit” as CC parents. A lot of people have a far more casual approach: i.e., the kid will pick a college, enroll … if she likes it, great… if not, she’ll withdraw after a semester or a year and transfer somewhere else. On CC the choice of college is treated as if it is the most important and momentous decision the child will make in their entire life… but there are other people who view it more like the decision of where to plan their next family vacation.” - calmom</p>
<p>OMG, this is so TRUE! I didn’t realize how obsessed parents could get until I discovered CC. I’m afraid that I may have become one of them.</p>
<p>Sometimes it seems that the object of the game is to have a place to go in September so that the child is out of the house, testing wings, and there’s a sticker on the car. If they come home in October or November or January and don’t go back … well it happens a lot.</p>
<p>And then they’ll find their path another way – work, community college, military, etc.</p>
<p>Not what I want to have happen … but something seen quite a lot around town.</p>
<p>Talked to my D last night and she was surprised but too said, that there are students that she doesn’t hang out with, but perhaps works with that are like our neighbor - more social, doing the frat party scene on Friday nights - it’s probably not the majority,but she certainly could find her nieche. </p>
<p>I think for the family this is a little bit of “omg! it’s end of senior year, quick find a place to go so things are set for fall” - and yes, that is their issue not mine. They are good friends though, so it’s hard not to feel like you want to guide them especially when they are clearly looking for help.</p>
<p>Their D has had some learning probs all her life - in fact, MY D tutored her for a couple of years when she was in 5-6th grade (my D has always been pretty mature) and neighbor was struggling with homework - it was a wonderful situation - they developed a nice “sisterly” friendship for awhile. </p>
<p>Bottom line -
We will encourage them to visit the school as soon as possible.
We and our D will answer any questions honestly, but politely so they have a true picture.
Otherwise, we will let them create their own opinion and path, and let it go at that.</p>