This idea has been in my husband’s mind for some time. He says he feels lonely, that I am not meeting his emotional needs. Being mostly a loner all my life, it wasn’t an issue when we had kids at home, and later my son in prison who kept us busy. We started Marriage Counseling a month ago, and will be doing some therapy on my own starting next week. First I felt sadness, but it seems to have become anger. Has anyone else split up after the kids have left? I would love to hear from you. Being a loner, I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
fauxmaven, I’m sad to hear this. You only just started counseling, however. Sometimes in counseling people become bolder and feel able to say things they’ve only been thinking. I hope that in counseling you have the opportunity to create more connections that will satisfy both of you.
So sorry to hear. I’m sure you’ll have many people here willing to listen and support you.
Has anyone been through this? It really seems a terrible thing to have happen… especially at 62.
I am sorry to hear about that, it always makes me sad to hear about people who have been together so long then find it isn’t working out. I have not had a split up, but being together with my wife for over 30 years (married 28 years this year!), and having had our rough spots, one of the things I always feared and fear is what isn’t being said between us. When the kids are growing up, when there is so much to do, it is often very easy to put aside the things that bother us, with my wife and I because of family issues we ended up in therapy and were forced to confront things that had we not done it, would have split us up. Yet even with all that work, there are times when both my wife and I find we are frustrated with each other, or despite the comfort we think we have with each other, are afraid to talk about them.
I am glad you guys are in counseling, the biggest thing there is where you both are willing to do the work. One of the things that is very easy to do is something I was reminded with by another person’s post on another thread, about where one spouse becomes responsible for the happiness of another, and that is where it becomes easy to blame the other person (and I am not guiltless in this regards) for what we are unhappy with, and think “if I just wasn’t with this person any more, I would be happy”, rather than realize that often what is missing is they aren’t able to make themselves happy, and blame the other person for not making them happy. One of the things counseling is supposed to do is get people to be able to talk about what they want and need, and hopefully that will help in your case:). As far as if counseling can work, all I can say is given in some ways how emotionally messed up my wife and I by our families, how deep things ran, and that my wife and I are still together says a lot to what it can do:) The fact that your husband is going to counseling with you, and you both are doing therapy, is a positive sign, because in the end both people have to do the work for it to work out.
One other thing, if it does come down to you splitting up with your husband, which I hope and pray won’t happen (as cynical as I am, I guess I still have some of the romantic in me), the good news is going forward because you are doing the work with a therapist, you likely will be able to handle it and going forward, find what you need:). I wish I could offer more, I just hope this helped a bit.
Fauxmaven, you have posted about some very thorny issues. It seems you are an optimist and a person who is able to “stay the course.”
I’m rooting for you.
I’m so sorry.
It’s good that you reach out here. I don’t think anyone minds, and most would encourage it if it helps.
I agree with Fendrock. You have been through much yet I always have “heard” hope in your voice.
If it is your wish that you and your H work on your issues, take the time to make that known in your counseling sessions. Speak up. 
You never know what might make the difference.
Hugs and stay strong.
I have dealt with a lot! The recent death in NOV of my mom, my son’s prison escapades ( that’s 2 different times, 1 in China! and a domestic stay). My step dad died in AUG- he was like a real dad.
Your husband has also dealt with the same issues…but it sounds like you two dealt with them in different ways.
People grow apart. It happens. The important thing is to find who you are.
I know of two cases of couples who split up after over 30 years of marriage and they were in their 60s. One was our stateside neighbor. One was the parents of a close friend/coworker. What was interesting about both cases is that while the couple’s marriages were legally ended and they did not live together anymore, over time, maybe a few years each, they drifted toward each other as friends. Our neighbor said that she and her ex-husband became better friends a few years after they divorced and he actually stayed with her at the end of his life and died in her arms. The other couple lived in two different states after they divorced for some number of years, then one of them, I think their father, moved to the community where my friend’s sister lives. Eventually, their mother moved to the same community and she and her ex-husband became friends again, went on a few vacations together, and were able to attend a lot of family events together once again until they passed away.
I am not suggesting that this will or will not happen to you, but these are interesting isolated instances when the original bond was recrafted in a way that the two couples could enjoy more than the legal bond of marriage.
I am glad you are in marriage counseling. My friend’s STBX just dumped on her he wanted a divorce and did not want counseling, despite having converted to Catholicism as an adult. He said this in July, they told the kids in August, and it will likely be finalized in March. She is still in shock but has to move on for her kids’ sake (they are younger than yours). She’s 50, so although not 62, certainly feels that dating or finding “someone new” would be a laugh.
How do you see yourself in two years, if you do get divorced? Will it be an opportunity to move on in your life? Or do you feel that being a loner means you’ll lose some social connections you have from being married?
It sounds like you are going through a lot - individual counseling sounds like a good idea, but would group therapy maybe help too (or possibly after you do get divorced, if you do)?
I wonder though - if he is unhappy - can you see your life changing to being married but doing far less together? Would that be better in your mind than getting divorced?
<> for all you are going through (sorry about your loss 
), and good luck in the months ahead. I haven’t gone through this, but be advised your CC friends are thinking of you during this tough time.
(Honestly, if everything hit the fan after my kids were out of the house and my spouse left me, I’d check my finances very carefully, and take a (possibly crazy) “me” vacation. That is, if counseling and stuff didn’t work. Then again, if counseling and stuff did work, I think taking a “new us” vacation would be in order…)
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I have not gone through this sort of breakup but a period of anger seems natural. You must feel betrayed and let down by him. The anger doesn’t have to own you though.
I hope you two can work things out.
I’m so sorry! I’m not familiar with your past except for what you included in this post, but it does sound like you and your husband have endured a lot together. I think raising children can be both a challenge (differing opinions about discipline, too little time for each other, too stressful, money challenges) and a source of cohesion (sharing the experience, having to come together to face obstacles). Maybe now that you are through some of these challenges, the therapy will help you find new ways to enjoy each other’s company. I really hope things work out as you would like. I would suggest that you start to develop some other friendships (look for area book clubs, volunteer opportunities, etc.) so that you will have a larger support circle.
Yes, I am casting out a net at the moment. I do not want a separation-its his idea.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. It says a lot that you are both willing to go to see someone. Maybe there are changes you can each make that will help. I was divorced at the other end of the cycle - when my kids were very young. It’s never easy, even if the people involved wind up in a better place once it’s over.
I, too, am very sorry for what you’re going through.
I wonder about your husband’s motives. In your situation, I would be angry, also, especially because he is saying that he is lonely and that you are not meeting his emotional needs and he is proposing a separation as the solution. If he really thinks a separation will help, that suggests to me that he has plans for getting his emotional needs met elsewhere or might in fact already be doing so; OR that he doesn’t actually know why he’s unhappy and thinks “I’m not getting emotional support” is the reason that puts him in the best light.
I’m separated, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m incredibly lonely and lacking in support. So, while a separation might be the answer to some problems, it alone won’t be the answer to the loneliness problem.
I’m so sorry. You’ve had some serious challenges recently, and I’m sure you could do without this.
I am so sorry. May I suggest you have some therapy of your own. I hate it when spouses blame the other. It’s bad enough he wants this, but then to make you feel as if it’s your fault is rotten.
I think rosered55 might be on to something. Not saying this is what’s happening in your case, but from my experience very few men leave a marriage simply because of lack of emotional support without already having found it somewhere else. I second the vote to look at all your finances. Do your children have any inkling of what is happening?