I just went through this, so it is kind of fresh and from my own point of view (one data point).
I would be careful about being too open at the couple therapy. It’s fine to express your feelings, but be careful about what you say that may hurt the other person’s feelings, because once it’s out it’s hard to take it back. Therapy provides a safe place for you to say certain things, but at the same time, don’t feel too safe.
It’s a fallacy that you are only divorcing each other, not your children/family/friends. If you value family dinners, vacations, holidays, rituals, you will never have it again. Divorce is like having a death in the family. If your husband is lonely now, he could be lonelier after the divorce, unless he gets another partner very quickly. You will split your friends. Your friends will take sides. My friends who used to invite my family to their homes for birthdays and holidays would only invite the parent who is still holding the family together. In my case, it is me, so my ex is no longer invited to any of those events. My girls are grown, but they still expect and want a xmas tree, family vacation and birthday dinner. Now almost 2 years later, my girls still cry about it sometimes.
The good news is if you should end up getting a divorce, it is not the end. You will survive and you can be happy again. In my case, I am getting to know myself. I am probably closer to my girls (especially my younger daughter) than before. I am closer to some of my friends, and I am doing things I never thought I was capable of before. Am I lonely sometimes, yes.
I’m very sorry you are going through this. I’d say it’s positive that you are in couples counseling together so that maybe you can learn new ways of interacting to help you feel closer and more connected.
It is hard when you are shocked that your spouse wants out of a long term marriage. Wishing the best for both of you through this tough time.
I am very sorry that you are going through this, and I hope that the counseling helps repair the marriage. I echo other posters in urging you to look carefully at finances, especially if your husband has anything but a salaried job. My sister used to say that men were like apes, they don’t let go of one branch until they’re holding another. I would suggest that you privately consult a divorce attorney to find out what you should be doing to protect yourself, and so you have someone lined up in case the worst happens.
I am in the midst of a very difficult divorce that I initiated. My husband is a verbally and emotionally abusive man and I just want to be free of him. He has alienated his children. I am a few years older than you. I am fortunate to have a large, loving family, a great job, and a few close friends. At this point the last thing I would want is to become entangled with another man. I may be lonely when my sons have moved out, but it will be much better than being with my husband.
You’ve had a really tough time. I hope the marriage can be saved.
Counseling is a good idea, but please do meet with a good divorce lawyer. You want to have all of your ducks in a very clear row in case the two of you determine that the marriage cannot be saved.
When parents have been through as much as you two, either the couple gets closer and realizes how much they need each other for support, or one grows away. He may be unhappy with the years of turmoil and longs for happiness, with no mention of the children or the tough years. Immature ? Selfish? Hard to say from the outside.
Your daughter has graduated, even if she may move abroad. Your son is now starting a new life. Life should be settling down.
I don’t have any advice, other than to listen to what your husband feels and wants.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I would imagine it feels scary and overwhelming. I do think it’s good your husband has agreed to go to therapy. No advice but I hope things work out for you.
Second the need to see a good divorce lawyer. And you not need to announce this to anyone at all.
Also, as a therapist, I will offer that a legal separation with rules can be very helpful.
Legal so than no one takes advantages of the finances.
Rules:
How often will we see each other?
Will we still have a sexual relationship?
Will we see other people?
Will we have sex with other people?
How often will we talk to each other? Who should initiate?
and so on…
Hugs, Fauxmaven. I became the crying shoulder for one good friend who was going through a separation. It was very stressful for me but it was worth it because it was so helpful to the friend. Hope you too have a good peer support group in addition to the therapy and, of course, CC.
So sorry fauxmaven, it seems life is just piling on you right now. I only skulk around these pages, helping out when I can, but really appreciate your capacity for sharing. I can’t imagine you have been unkind.
It happened to three couples just out of the eight on our little cul-de-sac, kids leave and the parents don’t have enough of a reason to stay together. One couple had been living separate lives for years, one man was controlling and verbally abusive, one was gay.
I read this past weekend that happy couples have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative. The tendency is for the frequency of positives to shrink rather than negatives to increase. I hope it works out well for you.
@mcat2 people change. Sometimes they don’t grow in the same direction. I’m going thru this and divorcing tho incredibly stressful is better than staying. For the first time in 10 years I am hopeful about my future. I need to be as responsible for my happiness as I’ve been for everyone else’s the last 25 years. @fauxmaven you’ve received good advice here. Your h is responsible for his own happiness and your role is to support him in this. And he owes you the same. I know it is possible. Hugs.
@fauxmaven I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this.Some couples in your situation find that the Retrouvaille program is helpful: http://www.retrouvaille.org/
Even if you don’t think attending the program is for you, the website has links to resources that could be helpful.
"The word Retrouvaille™ (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) is a French word meaning rediscovery. The program offers tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship. Thousands of couples headed for cold, unloving relationships or divorce have successfully overcome their marriage problems by attending the program.
The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way.
It is not a retreat, marriage counseling, or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing.
It is for couples with marital problems including those who are considering marriage separation and those who are already separated or divorced that want marriage help.
Some couples come to Retrouvaille during the initial signs of a marriage problem. Other couples are in a state of despair and hopelessness when they attend the program. These latter couples often consider the Retrouvaille program their final option.
Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions. Many marriage counselors send their clients to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to marriage counseling. These professionals know that the tools of communication in marriage taught in the program are often what couples need."
It’s just worth noting that the program crepes mentioned is a heavily Christian program. That’s not necessarily a negative but something to be aware of.
Sadly the program isn’t in all states–like HI. It sounds interesting and has free printable materials for couples.
I think the basic concepts can be adapted to be less religious, if that is the preference of the couple without losing the value of the ideas. I’m planning on sharing with a loved one who is going through a rough patch.
It doesn’t appear that Retrouvaille is heavily religious in nature. It’s not Marriage Encounter, but it appears to have some of the same aspects…volunteer presenters and a faith person…but as I know from M.E. the faith person isn’t shoving faith down people’s throats.
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Do I have to be Catholic?
Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin. Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend. Christian Multi-Denomination (CMD) weekends may also be available in some areas. On CMD weekends, a Christian minister and spouse take the place of the priest on the presenting team.
Will someone try to convert me?
The program is not designed to promote a specific religion. Atheists, agnostics and those of various religions are respected for their beliefs and encouraged to attend for the benefit of their marriage.
No attempt is made to convert anyone to a religion. Saving a marriage is our focus. The ultimate goal of Retrouvaille is solely to help save marriages.
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Fauxmaven…hoping the best for you, but I agree with some of the others to protect yourself and finances.
M2ck, I’m not going to argue with you on this thread but the website makes it clear that it is a heavily Christian program. Heck they define marriage as including the Holy Spirit.
That, again, isn’t a bad thing necessarily but something to be aware of. They have a conservative, Christian slant and that may not be for everyone. That’s all.