After almost 30 years, my husband is thinking of leaving me.

Parent Cafe
41

Fauxmaven, so sorry for you. I do remember other threads of woe in your life, and you sound like you have been through the ringer. I am sure it was hard on your H too. Over the years we have seen this happen to people we know. Some H left for younger wives, some for other men. I think after the kids are gone, it is a hard adjustment for a lot of people, and if you are a bit older (i.e. 60+) there can be aging or personal illness issues. The sandwich generation issues with sick and dying parents is another stress for most people. I don’t think these are necessarily the “golden” years at all.

I think it is good to go to counseling. Perhaps you will consider some private sessions too so that you can explore your own feelings privately.

42

I don’t have personal experience since my relationship with my son’s dad ended after ‘only’ seven years and not after decades.

But as someone who has been single since then, for over 17 years now, I can say that if it does come to that for anyone, it is possible to be very happy being single. I LOVE my independence and being in control of every decision (I’m a bit of a control freak).

Sure there are times when I miss my son, and sure there are times when my cat catches a mouse and I have to be the one to throw it out that I think, ‘if only there were a man in my life to do this’ ;), but I can honestly say I never get lonely. Sometimes I get bored and when I do I pick up the phone and call a friend or a relative or head out to the store to do some shopping.

I remember when my relationship ended with my son’s dad: I had never really been completely on my own since we’d met in college and lived together from that point. It was definitely a bit overwhelming thinking of everything I would have to do on my own and a bit scary wondering if I could handle it all. But in the long run, it has forced me to become a much stronger person.

While I believe in honoring commitments and that it can often be better if partners are willing to put forth the effort so that a relationship can work out, if for any reason they don’t, there can be light on the other side.

43

What an emotional wrench this must be. I feel for you. Hopefully, it will all work out. But…I have a friend who just went though something similar and while the emotional toll was bad, the financial toll made it worse. Her ex lied to the court that he was a poor man and could not afford to pay spousal support. All the while he was buying a million dollar house with a partner, through a trust. My friend was savvy enough to find this out and put a lien on the property so that when it was sold she got her money in full with interest.

So make copies of all things financially related - bank statements, IRAs, checking accounts, property evaluations, income tax forms for the last several years, etc. and file them away somewhere private, just in case.

44

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this FM. Keeping you in my thoughts. If I were you I’d find a good counselor or somebody to talk to - someone neutral and helpful.

45

He says he has been thinking about this for a long time, but this is new to you. Can you get him to agree to stay for some period of time, 6 months possibly (or longer), as you both work through his revelation of his thinking? It is so easy for one person to just jump ship and make the issue a unilateral decision. In my observations of several couples, if they had just agreed to hang on for a time, making no huge permanent changes, life would have settled down a bit for them. I know one couple who said they could probably have re-adjusted their relationship just by agreeing to wait before splitting.

You’ve both been through so much - perhaps having it all on the table so it isn’t a constant nagging thought in his head might help him. Certainly continue the counseling, can he see your support for him in the fact that you are so upset at the thought of separating? Do you always see the counselor together? Perhaps he would also benefit from some individual sessions to work through all the angst your S’s situation brought up - everyone handles that stress differently and it may still be affecting him in ways he is taking out unconsciously on your relationship.

I am sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.

46

One other thought, with all you have been through, Fauxmaven, could your husband be feeling like with everything going on, like with your son, or with your D moving overseas, like emotionally all your energy has gone towards those events? Please understand I am not trying to blame you, far from it, but this is common, it happens with couples with young children where a husband will feel like the wife only has time to be a mommy, and it also has happened in cases where one of the spouses is handling a parent with issues, I went through that with my mother in law and my wife and it can feel like suddenly your spouse is only the child of their parent, not your wife/husband, and it can cause resentment.That may be a good topic in talking to him,what makes it worse (speaking from having gone through it) is it can be hard to talk about it, because while the person can feel like they are neglected, they also understand the other person is dealing with hard things and then feel like it is selfish to feel the way they do…so it never comes out. I have a very hard time talking about things like that, and I have my own hidden resentments, which in many ways is not fair to my wife, because how can she even try to make me happy when I don’t say what is bothering me? It could be the same way with your husband.

47

I ditto the suggestion to have some individual counseling in addition to the couples counseling. Is H willing to also have individual counseling? If you are Christian, or of a particular faith, perhaps talking to your minister or getting suggestions from him/her.

Also in addition to your own self discovery - you can do a lot on what you are thinking, how you are behaving - and examine how you can improve the marriage and your own life.

Drs Les and Leslie Parrott have a book “Relationships - how to make bad relationships better and good relationships great”; Dr Les Parrott “You’re Stronger than you think”.

I heard Dr Les Parrott on a radio program about ‘cracking the code’ on marital communication - CORE; C=cooperation, O=ownership; R=Responsibility; E=Empathy.

Another book “Saving your Marriage before it starts” by Drs Parrott has 7 questions to ask before and after you marry. “Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty? Can you identify your love style? Have you developed the habit of happiness? Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear? Have you bridged the gender gap? Do you know how to fight a good fight? Are you and your partner soul mates?”

I purchased these books with the intention to pass on to the kids once they are serious about a potential fiance’ .

More detail of Les Parrott on the radio show (W is a counselor, her name is Leslie). He went into the thing they have to work on the most in their marriage - often it is time management - who is traveling and who is available to go to kid’s soccer game etc.

Many men will either be fantasying about life w/o you or he has his eye on someone or worse.

I never heard of that expression about the ape swinging and holding on to one branch until grasping another, but sort of that theme.

I do know a gal that was IMHO way too passive on her H’s process of divorcing her; he had a brief marriage with another (who was sharing a house with him “but no romance” - what a lying jerk; he knew how to legally end that 2nd marriage quickly w/o financial ‘pain’). He also bought a two seat sports car when they still had children in school in the area, maybe youngest still in HS. The daughters are totally ruined with how their dad behaved. The older son did get married. While separated, W saw him through triple coronary and all the follow-up. “XXX was great” he told me. I think if she made staying easier and leaving harder, and they both worked at the marriage. She was way passive. She maybe should have also talked to his family to also back up staying in the marriage. She is totally devastated, depressed. This situation was totally weird - I do know a W that was so busy, that H was ‘easy picking’ for an office affair. He later married someone else, but that may have been a marriage that could have been saved. Some people cannot work through a sexual affair having occurred.

If H is willing to go on a Retrouvaille weekend program - from my understanding it is a lot of face to face time in dealing with your marital pain/issues - structured for a marriage that is at risk of divorce. It is a program geared to the couple finding a way to save the marriage.

Wishing you the best.

48

So sorry that you are going through this. I’m going to be blunt.

Often “loneliness” and “not meeting emotional needs” are guy speak for not having enough sex. Have you guys talked about how often each of you want to have sex and how often you do have sex?

49

Is cc PG, or R rated?

50

Depends on which forum. :slight_smile:

51

Op,
I would take special note of the post by
@musicprnt
He is speaking from a man’s point of view and I have heard this comment more than just a few times by men.
His comment is a great window into a man’s mind and so this may apply in your husband’s case. Why don’t you ask your DH? Or show him @musicprnt post and ask if any of it rings true.

52

@musicprnt, thanks for very helpful insights from a H’s perspective. I think your comment is a common, unspoken feeling and a good topic to try to discuss with loved ones.

53

I am so sorry you’re going through a difficult time. I think there are probably a range of emotions people go through in situations like this, similar to the stages we experience after the death of a loved one. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist on your own. Joint counseling is helpful, but you need to talk to someone too.

I think how I approached the situation would depend on how my spouse brought it up. “I’m unhappy and feel like we need to make changes to make our marriage stronger” is different than “I’m unhappy and thinking of leaving.” The first feels like it comes from a spirit of cooperation (what can we do to make this stronger), the second from a place of power (what changes are you going to make to convince me to stay).

I think I’d follow the advice mentioned upthread regarding being careful about what you say in joint therapy because what’s said can’t be taken back. But I think I’d approach it with 2 goals: I’m listening to what you need to continue this marriage, but I’m also communicating what I need to remain in it. I think sometimes people who drop bombshells like this on their spouses forget that even if they decide to stay it doesn’t mean the spouse will have them. If it were my husband, he’d have to start coming up with some good reasons for why I should want him to stay. I’d want to know why he approached it the way that he did and what steps he felt he took leading up to it that weren’t successful. I would listen, but I’d make it clear from the beginning that it’s a two way street.

Good luck.

54

You need to protect your financial interests. See a lawyer ASAP to determine how to do this.

I don’t want to alarm you…but get this done ASAP.

We know a couple…sort of similar. Married for almost 30 years. Were going to couples counseling. We kept telling the wife to protect her financial interests, and see a lawyer. She didn’t…kept telling us her husband would NEVER give her the shaft. Well, one morning she went to the bank…every joint account was cleaned out. Down to a $100 balance. Right now, all she has in her name is a house with a huge mortgage that she can’t afford. Oh…and her husband who never would give her the shaft…stopped paying the mortgage about a year ago,mand she is facing foreclosure on that. NOW she is finally seeing a lawyer…but it’s an uphill battle.

ETA…the process of separating is a headache for sure. But sometimes the outcome is for the better. When I have friends who tell me they are divorcing, I always ask…is this good? Many times, they say yes.

At the end of the day…divorce might actually be the better outcome.

55

That’s horrible!!

56

I do think @thumper1 shows how a man can make a series of decisions once he feels ‘done’ with the marriage.

H and I have been married over 36 years. During the strain of my very serious cancer treatment (stage III) - he actually blurted out about taking an overseas assignment in Asia, which a co-worker did after a painful divorce (so for H it would mean leaving me and our two children who were in 8th and 10th grade). For him, it was clearly that at that moment it was ‘fight, flight’ - emotionally he wanted to flee. However that was one moment. I also had a very fleeting moment where I thought about throwing in the towel on fighting the cancer - but it was just a moment. I am cancer free 5 years now. H has his free time with hobbies (which is also involved with students and skills competition, so it is community productive too) so he is a happy chap; kids are in college - one will graduate in a few months.

IMHO you try to lift this situation out of this low point in your relationship. However you also have to protect yourself if things continue to unravel.

H has to feel like it is better to stay in the marriage.

Praying for you.

57

Thumper: You rock. You are right. One added thing: Make appointments with several of the best attorneys in your area. Have a consult. Choose one. The other good law firms can’t rep you husband because if would be conflict of interest.

See a therapist. Try to work things out. I hope you will work this out.

Divorce is dirty business.

58

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I think it is really difficult through the years to remember that the marriage came first. The kids are a by-product of the marriage and are around a couple of the decades but marriage can last many, many more decades before and after those kids. Lots and lots of couples forget that and after the kids are grown realize they just don’t know each other anymore or their goals and wants have changed over the child rearing years but somehow it didn’t happen as a couple.I agree that now that your kids are grown and on their own your husband has to feel like there is something there for you two, together, going forward. The equation is no long you and your husband and your kids…it’s you and your husband. Hopefully you can get back to that point you had before kids where you both feel like you have mutual goals and desires or retirement plans that include each other in the coming decades because if you can’t get there then the marriage really is “over”, and I agree that you need to talk to a lawyer sooner than later and figure out a plan if you husband has given up on the marriage entirely and I would highly encourage talking your own feeling through with someone that can help you.

59

When you do couples therapy, is it possible to have individual times for each spouse with the same counselor? It seems to me that if both husband and wife could vent all their negative thoughts and feelings, as well as feelings about the spouse’s feelings expressed in co-counseling, the counselor might have a better insight into the reality and be more effective?

60

Musicprnt nailed it. I don’t have any advice on what to do here, and I’m not trying to make light of the situation, but, as a guy with 25 years of marriage behind me, I just want to say your husband is an idiot. Here he is, with 30 years of life shared with you and he wants to leave it? Sure, I’ve had time where I felt alone/unsupported/whatever because Mrs is busy with other things, but that’s just me being selfish. I know that over the last 25 years she has felt the same from time to time.