I’ve never been through a divorce but it feels to me that if you can’t vent to your spouse then there’s a problem and venting individually to a marriage counselor is probably not the answer - but like I said I’ve never been through something like this.
Don’t write off this point. This can be a major factor in marital unhappiness for men. They may hesitate to admit how much of a part this plays in the situation, because it sounds so shallow. However, observe what many men do when they get divorced.
let him get an apartment and a 2nd job to pay for it and let him see how lonely he will really be. sometimes guys just need a reminder how good they have it. I speak from experience … 
Actually, working with a therapist can work out where the people see the therapist both as individuals and as a couple. That said, a lot of therapists won’t do that, because they feel it is kind of a conflict of interest, but there are ones, good ones, who understand the dynamics, about for example what can’t be shared in couple’s counseling that was said privately. Among other things, therapists can kind of ‘grease the skids’, while they won’t tell a spouse “you know, your husband feels neglected because you haven’t felt like having sex”, they can talk about general things that prime the pump…or they after hearing the person vent, can give them suggestions on how to talk about it in couple’s counseling. The other thing is that having heard the people privately, the therapist/counselor knows where they are coming from, and it can give insight into the session itself. It takes a good therapist who can remain neutral and it takes a lot of trust, but it can work.
I also agree with others, while I think you should hope for the best, I would talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself, I don’t know your husband, but I do know how some men will let things like couple’s counseling drag out and use that to basically try and grab what they can for when they decide to run away (and again, I am not saying your husband will do that, just saying it is not uncommon IME).
I also have to agree, that after that length of time I don’t understand why the husband doesn’t try to fix the marriage first, rather than walk away, you would figure after all those years, all the ups and downs, it would be first nature to try and work things out. I kind of understand why, it can feel hopeless at times, it is very easy to feel like things don’t change, that there is nothing left, but how do you know if you don’t try? And quite honestly, again speaking for myself, it is often a lot easier not to try, because then someone can create an image for themselves where it is easy to justify walking away, basically you tell yourself “it isn’t worth it, nothing with ever change, she/he won’t even try, why bother”, it is a self serving thing that may be totally fiction. I suspect the real answer is that the person is afraid to try, because they might find out, among other things, that, to paraphrase shakespeare, the fault lies not in the spouse, but in ourselves.
This happens from what I can tell when someone has an affair, they will paint a picture in their head that the reason they cheated was it was all the spouses fault, they are a bad person, they don’t understand, in that case it is to try and justify to yourself why you did it, because otherwise there is guilt.
@momofthreeboys I was thinking about venting the stuff you can never take back once said, so maybe say it to the therapist, both of the people, then she can see both sides and better guide them, but I would imagine it takes a very special person to remain truly neutral.
We also did couples counseling at the request of my husband. We did individual sessions with the same therapist. That was very helpful -but you have to trust the therapist to keep information separate.
Not surprising that you are feeling angry, and that can be worked out in an individual session. Therapy did open a lot of questions as to what each of us wanted from our marriage.
Lots of great suggestions here! We are doing private and couples therapy. Not Christian and not interested in that, but thanks. Husband giving himself the year to come to a decision. I do love my husband, and hope this will all work out. It is tough for me to consider even a vague possibility of this. I told each of my kids in separate conversations, and husband knows I did this. I also told my husband’s 2 adult sisters at a Family Reunion last weekend. Husband know that as well. His sisters are very close to me, and I really don’t have many close friends- kind of a loner. Will keep updating this thread.
Sounds good fauxmaven.
Can I ask who that ADORABLE baby is in your avatar? What a BEAUTIFUL baby!!!
Thanks! I waited for you guys to ask! That is my 25 year old son at 1 month! I love to take photos!
fauxmaven Best wishes to you as you navigate this coming year. You sound very open to working hard to save your marriage which bodes well, I hope. I wish you the best! Hugs!
Sincere best wishes!!
Here’s to a good 2016 for both of you.
I hope it works out well for both of you, whatever that means. By the end of the year many things may have changed.
I would suggest for you not to over discuss it with your children. It’s too painful for them.
Nothing to add, but if it isn’t too much of a cliche , hugs.
Also sending good thoughts and a hug to you, fauxmaven. I have no advice, but want you to know that I am hoping for a good outcome.
Another possibility for “loneliness” and “not meeting emotional needs”, whether real or imagined, is the perception the spouse doesn’t feel he/she can really open up about his/her concerns or complaints because they’d not be taken seriously, dismissed out of hand, or subject him/her to more torrents of what he perceives as non-stop criticism…whether real or imagined.
While I’ve not been married, I’ve lost count of how many accounts I’ve heard about this being a factor in horrid marriages and/or divorces. Especially from friends IRL and from an online special interest* forum predominantly populated by men in their 50’s and 60’s.
- Something along the lines of geopolitics, computer technology, or music.
I agree with the comment upthread that when men make certain claims, they often mean, “not enough sex, not enough attention.” And sadly, our culture seems to send a message to many men that a return to the dating life means fun and sex 24/7.
Often we moms get very focused on what are kids are doing, especially if one or more kids is having trouble or is “special needs”. (we often see men leave marriages with a special needs or troubled child…maybe they blame the spouse, maybe they feel ignored, maybe they don’t want to be bothered with the demands).
You’ve been thru a lot with your son, and our hearts go out to you. Does your H “blame you” for any of your son’s troubles? I know someone with a troubled son and the dad blames the mom for “spoiling him” and over-indulging him. Does he feel that you’ve “cheated him” of attention while (naturally) dealing with those issues?
I hope you can get things back on track if that’s what’s best for you. I think that sometimes the one who wants to leave hasn’t really thought it all thru. They may be focused on one aspect (maybe he thinks dating will get him more attention and sex), but the realities of divorce can later smack the person in the face when they realize that other aspects of their life are injured by the divorce.
I agree will all who’ve mentioned to protect yourself financially. We all know couples where one partner “never thought the other would literally steal all/most of the money,” but actually do so. It may not be what that stealing-partner originally planned on doing, but after “looking things over,” they realize that “splitting assets” and paying for a divorce won’t leave them much, so they selfishly take far more than their share.
If you are open to some sort of marriage weekend, even if there is some faith aspect present (I wouldn’t care if there was a mention of a holy rock or holy car if the weekend would help), I hope that would help both restore your commitment to your marriage.
Key to really think about what he ‘perceives’ and what is ‘reality’. IMHO he will over-perceive how good his life will be w/o being married.
If he can get to why he emotionally wants to divorce - or if he thinks that saying something will shake things up and get better? Does he perceive his unhappiness is not ‘inside’ of him but with outside factors - thus the marriage dissolution would be an external change that he thinks will make him feel better inside?
Are there some other things going on that is making him think of moving forward as a single person?
Is there another woman that he is thinking about? Does he think he can ‘do better’?
Op,
Pay close attention to the comments of the male posters: cobrat, hunt, and the other guy that I have a shout out to earlier
(Too hard to scroll upthread on my phone)