Sometimes people say they want emotional intimacy but they’re actually afraid of it. So when the other spouse starts getting closer and opening up, the first spouse realizes, “Whoa, I’m not ready for this. Gotta go now.” (Yes, this happened to me.)
The person to listen to is your therapist, who should hopefully help facilitate communication between the 2 of you. A m2ck said, it isn’t just about sex. There are many different types of shared intimacies, which can even me as simple as curling up on the couch together with the Sunday times and a cup of coffee. Explore ways to reconnect. Good luck.
Meh. This is a guy. It IS about sex, no matter how much smoke he throws up around it with other reasons. (Sorry , guys on the thread, but I think 99% of the time that is the case).
^^. agreed. What’s the saying? Guys feel emotionally close after they have sex. Women need to feel emotionally close in other ways before they have sex.
Which is a catch 22, right? How can you feel close to him with his ultimatum of leaving hanging over your head? thats where therapy will help,
It really doesn’t seem fair that nature made our libidos so different…generally.
I have heard this woman speak several times. Of all the advice I’ve come across in 27+ years of marriage, she makes the most sense.
http://www.lindaacarroll.com/lovecycles.html
It addresses the ‘guys want sex, women want connection’ issue as well as others. What I found is that those issues we’ve faced, of which I was certain we were the only ones, were actually almost universal in long term relationships.
Golly, intparent, give us some credit. But there is some truth; once a wife starts to use sex as a reward/punishment system, it really knocks a hole in the fabric of the relationship and should be grounds for divorce. We like to think we are attractive to the point of our wives barely being able to contain themselves. Showing that once in a while is huge validation.
I spent this past weekend away from the wife. When I got back, I was the unlucky recipient of about 3 solid hours Sunday night of her complaining about her work. It can be emotionally draining, I find myself looking for an escape, which is why I brought up the 5:1 good-to-bad ratio as a marker for a happy marriage. Once sex is “enough,” more does not make a man happier. Smiles and kind words work their magic, too.
Lol… you want credit, then follow it with a post that pretty much validates what I said.
There is a great deal of research indicating that the opposite scenario is very common and very destructive.
Listening to men is good on this topic - men who have personal experience with marriage.
As jym said, listening to a therapist is better
Intparent, magnetron didn’t validate your post.
I can tell you from personal experience, and the experience of my closest girlfriend group, that it is emphatically not always about sex. In this day and age, it is often about financial security, job loss, unfulfilled dreams and expectations. Between this thread and the consent thead, it makes me wonder how so many women perceive men to be walking libidos.
@fauxmaven , if I were you, I’d put my fingers in my ears and close my eyes in relation to the last several posts on this thread. All of it or NONE of it may relate to your relationship with your spouse - that is for you, him and some professional guidance to work out. Trying to read into this adage that sex = attention for men or whatever doesn’t need to add fuel to your fire - if indeed that is not “a” or “the” root of your marital issues right now.
so yes, it is most likely at least in good measure about sex, but it is not necessarily just about frequency or any specific details that are not really appropriate here. Maybe he feels like he is made to beg for that type of attention. If the woman does not at least initiate once in awhile it can make a man feel like he is not desirable.
Sometimes it can be tangential. If one of you has stayed in shape and the other let themselves go (or even if one of you is actively trying to stay in shape and the other has ‘given up’). These are symptoms of deeper issues, but the emotional side of most of us men tends to manifest in physical intimacy.
Sorry for those of you who are not men and do not really understand. I find it ironic sometimes that people who understand people identifying as another gender can be the same people who cannot understand why sex is a fundamental part of the emotional well-being of males. I would appreciate it if you do not criticize us simply because of our in-born gender identities.
Sex is a fundamental part of the emotional well-being of women, too. The desire mismatch issue doesn’t turn only on one direction, either.
I don’t know why but this made me LOL.
Though I will say, I do love to stare at my husband’s shoulders. That’s what lots of pull-ups get him! 
Anyway, do men not ever think - my wife’s interest (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with me? Maybe she is having problems of her own?
The thing about generalizations is that they’re very often inaccurate in particular cases. I know one couple, and have heard of quite a few more, where the mismatch in libido goes very much in the other direction. So much so that I wonder if the “generalization” is generally true at all.
I was thinking the exact same thing, @DonnaL … including in my own marriage.
Either way, I don’t personally think it’s appropriate to project onto faux’s marriage like many have been.
Still supporting you, Faux. Whatever happens. hugs
That’s what I meant by generally…it’s not relevant in some specific cases. And how women feel at 26 is a whole lot different then 56…generally. That is a fact. Menopause and all the physical changes. Lower testosterone plays a big part. The conversation I have with my friends proves this is more true than not. Add into that different medications as we age lessens desire. We dont like it either.
But it’s not true for everyone.
It’s also true that at a certain age, many men have difficulties in that area, which can and does cause problems in the marriage. So we could imagine and create scenarios about that and run with them, even though they probably have nothing to do with the OP’s own situation.
Once more… just because something is true in your experience doesn’t make it true for everyone or even the majority of people.
I happen to have a friend who is a sex therapist at a hospital. She mostly works with older adults (post-menopausal women and their partners) and it is actually the women who have a higher sex drive than men in her experience with her patients. Does that make this true for everyone? No.
I work with a lot of people in their mid-20s who are pretty open and honest with me about their sex lives… because I literally counsel them about their sex lives. I find that when you get people alone and when they’re not in homosocial spaces, many preconconcieved notions about who likes what and what sex has a higher libido break down completely.
Either way, even if every single older male you know divorced his wife because of sex drive, that still does not mean it’s relevant to Faux’s marriage and telling her it’s definitely or probably about sex doesn’t seem helpful. We don’t know what is going on and I don’t think projecting does anyone any good.
That is an actual, honest-to-God thing. And some men can become very angry/hostile if they perceive themselves to be lacking in that area.
Something that isn’t always true can still be true a lot of the time.
Of course, there can be lots of reasons somebody considers ending a marriage, but some of the men on this thread are saying that in many (not all) cases, changes in the couple’s sex life may be a major element in the man’s dissatisfaction even if he verbalizes a bunch of other reasons. I agree that it’s good to talk to a therapist, but a smart therapist will explore this issue along with lots of others.
And some of the women are saying that sexual dissatisfaction can be caused for the opposite reason and be equally destructive.