Sure. But we’re discussing a situation in which it’s the man who is considering a divorce.
There are all sorts of reasons why a mismatch in favor of the wife being more interested could lead a man to seek a divorce.
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Sex is a fundamental part of the emotional well-being of women, too. The desire mismatch issue doesn’t turn only on one direction, either.
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Yes! But women are more likely to use the right words, “we need to have more sex” or whatever. I’ve never known a woman who wanted more sex to say, “You’re not meeting my emotional needs.” lol Maybe because women are more verbal? I don’t know.
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Though I will say, I do love to stare at my husband’s shoulders.
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I like looking at my H’s thighs for some reason. lol
Ugh. We are not talking about research, trends, data, etc. This isn’t a “what if” thread. It is a very personal, very real thread about a very real, precious woman and friend here on CC. She needs real life support and confidence to move ahead. And anything deeper than that comes in the form of a triangle of three likely people - her spouse, her/their professional counsel, herself.
I think take the men-women sex or no sex talk in relationships to another thread.
In response to Romani and Zooserman: Fauxmaven specifically asked people to share their individual, anecdotal experience. Some people have found that when their husbands have complained of emotional neglect, what they really meant was a perceived lack of sexual affection. Some men on here have confirmed that they have felt emotionally neglected when they felt that their wives were not sexually interested in them. Those anecdotal experiences are just as valid as any other.
It doesn’t feel that way to me. Maybe I’m too protective. It feels very “blameful”. Not to mention such a knock on both men (initially) and then women alike!
I’ll choose to take my sensitivity and bow out on this one. 
Yeah, but the contention that “this is a guy, it is about sex” isn’t an individual, anecdotal experience. It’s an example of stereotyping men as walking libidos.
Sending good thoughts your way Fauxmaven.
Did I say specifically that he is not getting enough second? I did not… But I still contend that something related to sex is highly likely to be at the root of his dissatisfaction. Frequency, his own flagging interest and/or inability to perform (and making that his wife’s fault in his mind), disinterest on her side in general for whatever reason, unwillingness of one party or the other to fulfill long term fantasies, his own vision of himself as studly that she does not regularly uphold, etc. Thete are a lot of ways sex can be at the root of this. But it IS the way men are generally wired – mentally as much as physically, and is very much a part of their self worth. I still contend that something awry in that area is the reason almost all men seek a divorce.
Maybe it’s my imagination, but it seems like this thread picked up more traction when the topic of sex (hows much/how often, etc) came up. Agree with abasket that maybe thats good conversation for another thread.
Why should it be a topic for another thread? People are trying to be genuinely helpful based on their own experience. It is a very personal topic that is hard to talk about. People are willing to share their own conclusions based on their experience specifically to try and help fauxmaven. That’s exactly the point of the thread.
The part I would be concerned about is that he is going the take the year to figure it out. Is there a reason he is giving himself this amount of time? Is there some financial reason(some inheritance or money coming in the next year) , another women( waiting for her to get her ducks in a row too) or does he really believe it will take a year to figure out whether he should stay or not? A year is a long time to keep someone wondering and hoping that they will stay. OP please take the other posters advice and get a good lawyer now. Don’t wait.
^^^ I was just about to make the same comment. Why one year?
Sounds like hedging his bets.
Sex is an awkward topic. I will note that nobody suggested moving the discussion to another thread when a bunch of other considerations were floated.
I find it interesting how some want to reduce this down to ‘it must be about sex’, when even for men it is very, very complicated. As men get older, the libido does drop (men’s testosterone levels decline significantly as you get to 40 and above), and yep, there also is more than a bit of evidence that women’s sex drives can increase during those years (why I don’t know, is it they are out of the child raising years, is it hormone balance, I don’t know) and yes this can cause conflict, I know more than a few men where their wives aren’t interested in sex, either because their libido has gone or they have some other motivations, I know the opposite, too. Sex is powerful, but for men despite stereotypes it isn’t always the biggest factor in discontent. Sure, some men leave wives for younger wives, the alpha male types will do that for example, but there is a lot else there, too. It is a time when men look back, now that the past is going to be longer than the future, and wonder what if, questioning themselves whether they have really lived, disillusionment about jobs that have gone away or careers that have stalled, and also wondering if the daily grind is worth it, and also, yep, fear about the future…and it can be hard to talk about this things with a spouse, because it can come out like it is blaming them. It is very tempting at times to want to chuck it all and ‘go back’ to when it seemed like we were young and carefree (and broke, and sometimes not all that happy as well). Sometimes the thought is “Is this all that there is?”, and wondering if there is a chance to be happier, and maybe outside the marriage.
I can’t speak for the OP’s husband or claim to know, for all I know he could be a horndog looking for younger pastures, but I also will tell you that that is not what I feel, or what friends and such I talk to say, it is always a complex mix of emotions. I think men do have a harder time talking about these feelings, there is still a lot of the old ideas about men’s lives being about sacrifice and ‘grin and bare it’ kind of stuff, that you don’t talk about feelings or ‘whine’, and it leads to a kind of downward spiral, frustration but without an outlet (a self constructed barrier) to vent it, and so forth.
As to the husbands motivation for the year deadline, I can only speculate and put myself in that position. In my case, it would be knowing I am not happy, and setting a goal to see if things could be fixed, address the things I wasn’t happy about, to have something to work towards and also have something where I can say “at X date, either I’ll be more happy and fulfilled, or if I am not, then that is the date when I break away to find myself”. That year for me would be time to work on the issues, but also not feel like a character in a Woody Allen play that sees a shrink for years and doesn’t get anywhere, it is a benchmark, a line in the sand, a definite goal, whatever…I can’t say that is what the OP’s H is doing, others ideas may be true, but it could be something like why I would do such a thing. The other thing about a year is there isn’t the immediate “either this gets fixed ASAP, or walk away” kind of thing, it allows time to think and grow.
I do agree with others that while working towards it all working out, that the OP should also be thinking about what if things don’t work, it may not hurt to get advice from a lawyer on how to protect herself financially and otherwise, and also, if H does say it is over, it is a lot easier being prepared for that eventuality (and if things work out, it is not wasted to have that piece of mind).
All I can offer to the OP is my best hopes, wishes and other tidings that it comes out well in the end, whatever happens, and also try to stay in the moment with this, in the sense that there is hope there, the fact that your H is willing to do the work, to try counseling, and has not dropped a bomb and walked away, is a good sign IMO.
Sex is definitely an awkward subject, much easier to speculate about others’ rather than talk about our own. Witness the lack of response on my other thread.
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Yeah, but the contention that “this is a guy, it is about sex” isn’t an individual, anecdotal experience. It’s an example of stereotyping men as walking libidos
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My H would take umbrage at that. He’d say he’s more than that. He’s at least a walking-talking libido.
As a guy, I want to state my utter annoyance at the assumption on the part of several on this thread that (a) a man talking about emotional needs must be really talking about sex, and also the assumption—by fewer, it appears, but still there—that (b) that women are less sex-oriented than men.
There’s actually some scholarly research that rebuts both of these claims, with the proviso that (b) may actually be supportable, but purely because of social conditioning rather than anything biologically-based, and it’s certainly not true in all cases, because everything I’ve seen points to there being more variation in sex drive within genders than between genders.
If a man is talking about emotional needs, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and, you know, find out what his emotional needs are? They may well be wrapped up in sex, sure, but even if they are, sex may not be the cause but rather an effect.
Guys tend to understate things have to do with emotions. If he says he likes the local football team “a bit,” he probably really likes them a lot. If he says he’s thinking of leaving, it probably means he’d REALLY like to go.