I think it is much more insulting to men to say that the guy here might be planning to rip off his wife of 30 years financially than it is to say that he may be lonely in part because he would like more physical affection.
I think it is pretty self evident that ANYONE (male or female) who is complaining of loneliness in a marriage MIGHT be doing so in part because of a perceived lack of physical affection.
since we’re on the topic, sort of, let me share this movie, Wifey and I enjoyed it very much and it was an eye opener for me.
The point I was trying to make (poorly) was that “not taking care of emotional needs” is most likely NOT about sex, unless there is either completely no sex or a horrible disconnect. Even if there is a frequency mismatch, from a 52 year-old guys perspective, that’s not it.
Hoping it works for you, fm, but do as others are saying and get a lawyer. Also set aside some walking-way money, good to have no matter the state of a relationship. Our one neighbor hid most of the assets before serving his wife with papers and it has been miserable for her.
Can it be that “not taking care of emotional needs” really means, “I’ve fallen out of love, I want passion and that giddy feeling?” I know two marriages that broke up within the past 2 years just for that reason. The breakup was caused by the wife in one instance, the husband in the other. Neither person left their spouse for someone else - just the hope of a future someone else.
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Hoping it works for you, fm, but do as others are saying and get a lawyer. Also set aside some walking-way money, good to have no matter the state of a relationship. Our one neighbor hid most of the assets before serving his wife with papers and it has been miserable for her.
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This is quite common. While some here think it’s bad to mention it because it reflects badly on men. It likely does happen the other way around as well, but maybe because men often manage investments, etc, they are more likely to do this? I don’t know.
Time for a forensic accountant!
I think @musicprnt is spot on!! I was shaking my head yes, at everything he wrote. I can see this with DH. We have started talking more about life and death…we’ve both list fathers recently. We’ve been together since freshmen in high school and have gone through so much together. We discuss how it felt …the future, at all these stages and how frightening it is now that we are so much older…and how fast it happened.
I can see how he would look back at life…and me too…and wonder, did it turn out the way we thought? For the most part …yes. He is successful, but I think he though he would be even more so…there is disappointment in that. I lost my job in September, so we spend money more thoughtfully. He made a comment he likes doing that because it reminds him of when we didn’t have much to spend and we seemed happier like that? Well,we weren’t any happier…so I was definitely agreeing with what you said about that…looking at the padt as if it were better.
I think he was happier because he wasn’t so sick and tired of working yet. We were young, had our futures ahead of us…life was good! Life is still good, but he’s tired…worried about kids, too…
Sorry if anyone, especially the OP, thought that sharing our feelings as men about the importance of physical intimacy in our lives was somehow blaming her. My purpose for my post was to encourage her to reflect. None of us knows what is going on in their lives save for what she chooses to share. We all have personal experiences, so as they say, your mileage may vary.
Why can’t it just be that they really don’t get along anymore? Or they haven’t for a long time and now it hits a crescendo?
Reading along over far too much time on CC, I know that the OP and her H have experienced a number of events that have been very emotionally taxing. Naturally, the family emotional energy has been spent on those events, rather than the couple themselves. The H may be saying that it is time for that emotional energy to be re invested in the relationship.
Musicprint’s post brings up an important point. It is worth looking in that direction, but “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. On the other hand, I have been subjected to the opposite sort of freezing out, and it hurts.
For years I became overly involved with a disabled friend, partially because her H left her as her disability worsened. He was seen as the villain for leaving a disabled wife, legitimately in some ways. Privately though, I knew he felt victimized as the relationship became all about her disability and he felt invalidated, equated with being a social worker and attendant rather than a person with feelings and talents aside from helping her. Pain on both sides, and I felt for them both.
Hello all! Had another session of counseling with my husband last night. He feels that he married me so many years back because he could see I would be a great mom and he really wanted a stay at home mom which I was for many years. Regarding sex, which seems to have taken hold of this thread, he reminded me that he never should have married me because he never felt " the chemistry". We were so busy raising the kids that he didn’t really think about till EMPTY NEST. Before he dies, he would like to experience the CHEMISTRY! After my first marriage, which was physically abusive, I wanted a kind and gentle man. I did not care so much for the CHEMISTRY. So its really not about sex at this point( which we are not having) but the lack of attraction on his part.
Hugs @fauxmaven. How painful this must be. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.
@fauxmaven, hugs from me too. So sorry he wants “chemistry,” tho he married you wanting a good mother, which you are and were.
I wish you the very best as you and he try to figure out what each of you wants and how to move closer to getting it. I’m sure it is a challenging time for both of you.
Is he saying he was never attracted to you, and never had “the chemistry”? Ouch!!! So sorry.
In light of that, fauxmaven, I would have to ask you if you want to be married to someone who’s not attracted to you and who believes marrying you was a mistake? If he feels like that, I don’t see how his feelings will suddenly change in a year. So I would have to ask why he needs a year to make his decision.
I’ve known 2 men who approached the end of their marriages this way. “I’m not sure I want to be married anymore but I’ll do counseling for a year…” Both wives thought they were working on repairing the marriage during that year, but all it did was give both men time to adjust to the idea of a permanent split. At the end of the year, the men were emotionally ready to move on; the divorce was just a technicality. Oh, and it gave one time to restructure assets and loot joint accounts. The ex-wife ended up with only a highly mortgaged home that she eventually lost to foreclosure.
I would immediately hire a lawyer and forensic accountant, but not alert your husband to the fact that you’ve done so until you decide what you want to do. And don’t clue your children or in-laws into your plans either.
In my opinion, you deserve better than you’re getting. Good luck to you.
We rarely truly get a glimpse into others’ relationships, no matter how well we think we know them. Threads like this one, well, we can realize others are admitting they’ve struggled, too. There are no easy answers, not necessarily books or practices that worked for one couple and will be the answer for the next. The good part about counseling is when it’s a safe place to open up and mend. The bad part is when that opening up is just angry venting. Or one party stonewalls.
It takes work, breaking down some of our own boundaries and being willing to hear out the other person, think about what he or she says, and see what can be done… And, realizing that there is no one version of “right.” What works for one spouse may be what pushes the other’s buttons. And vice versa. Been there. (And it sounds like others have, too.)
OP said a few times she’s somewhat a loner. We all have parts of our lives where we’re independent. Some of that is good, very good. And sometimes, it’s what preserves our own sanity. Sometimes, we even cling to it. But when one says he or she is lonely (or missing some connection) and the other prefers to be independent, you’ve got at least try to find a compromise that works for both. Or you’re missing the point of marriage, which (at least, in part,) is the teaming.
One good thing about getting counseling on your own is that’s where you can be angry and rant- and deal with that. Then the joint counseling can move forward.
Don’t forget that I have almost no family- a sister and brother that never speak to me. The last 30 years have been wonderful because my husband has a large loving family, who have been very kind to me. I have done a lot of world travel I am sure I would not have done otherwise because of my husband. I guess all that was more important than chemistry…
Please get an attorney and figure out financial assets–better to be prepared and safe rather than sorry and very poor if things don’t work out.
In your own counseling, some of that can be explored, too.
When we face any loss or threat of loss (or some repeat of other losses,) a lot of raw emotions flood in. And sometimes, we rationalize, rather than risk changing. It helps to learn how to view it and sort through it.
@fauxmaven, I am so sorry. Marriage is very hard, even for happy couples. You’re probably not looking for advice, but I’m going to throw this out there: go buy a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller. Both of you should read it, if you are willing. It’s a Christian book with a strong Christian theme, but has some very good, practical help for people who are not Christian. My husband (an atheist) and I (a Christian) have benefited from the book’s principles.