I think in my parents’ case, it was my dad who realized his life really wasn’t that bad with my mom. Once he got over his midlife crisis, he regained his senses. My mother didn’t really change her ways.
Benefits expert here. What typically happens is that the spouse without the pension plan files a QDRO – pronounced “quadro,” standing for Qualified Domestic Relations Order – with the pension plan. This is a court order that tells the plan that the couple is divorcing and that, based on the divorce agreement, the not-covered-by-the-pension spouse is to get either a percentage of the total as calculated on a certain date (eg, the date of the separation or the date of the divorce) or a certain lump sum. The pension plan then calculates the covered spouse’s pension as of that certain date and makes the appropriate split in the assets. Then, it’s as if the plan has a new participant: The previously noncovered spouse. His/her pension benefit then increases according to the rules of the plan from then on, and the originally noncovered spouse gets to decide when and how to take his/her benefit entirely separate from the covered individual.
The survivor options – 100%, 50%, etc. – are options only for a married couple.
Some wise posts above, about why an H might want to leave, and also the financial costs of divorce. Most company plans I have seen don’t allow leaving an ex on the company plan, some might allow an ex to use COBRA benefits to pay into it), and I have heard that insurance can be part of the expenses an ex pays into if other doesn’t have their own insurance (keep in mind that the SAHM we are talking about is pretty rare these days, often both spouses are working (around 85% of marriages these days), and the wife can have insurance through their own company)…
And yes, based on what I have seen, people do not see the financial cost of divorce, I have seen cases where a spouse cheats, then expects to move on with minimal baggage from their marriage , husband who found some younger woman he figured he could throw all kinds of things at post divorce, then found he had the disposable income of a store manager despite being white collar and well paid, the wife who figured she would get the house (because there were kids involved), move her boyfriend/girlfriend in, and have hubby pay for it then found out reality (though sadly, thanks to messed up divorce laws in some places, have seen that work out exactly as the wife or husband thought, ie they could bankrupt the other in the divorce and fly high, that does happen sometimes), but most find out the harsh reality.
There was a point that I was faced with potentially having to get divorced to achieve what I still think is the path I would have preferred to have taken, but I couldn’t do it, because for one I loved my wife enough not to want to lose her (complicated story, but let’s say she for a number of reasons couldn’t go down the path I was contemplating), but also because if I did so it would financially and otherwise have destroyed my son’s dreams, and I couldn’t do that, couldn’t throw the switch on it when I assessed everything. It doesn’t mean I think anyone getting divorced, in my circumstances or others, shouldn’t do it, I am just saying that people often don’t look at the reality of what that means, financially and otherwise before doing it.
I know one story that had a funny ending, but at the time seemed sad, I knew this couple I loved, they were amazing people, funny, and they seemed to madly in love it was amazing. The husband had the latter middle age wondering I was talking about, decided that his wife didn’t want the same things he did, and told her he wanted a divorce. Her response surprised everyone, she basically told him there is the door if you feel like that, I don’t want to talk about it, if you feel like that, go…but insisted that they legally seperate for a while, to make sure they could make the divorce equitable and also amicable. Husband moved and, and two months later he was back at home, and they seemed happier than ever. I talked to them about it, and the husband admitted (sheepishly) that he was blaming her for things he needed to work out, and she, with her sense of humor, said she knew what was going on with him, but he needed either to see the reality, or a sledgehammer to break up the rocks in his head (literally)…turned out that she had been trying to talk to him about the things he in fact was upset about, last I heard they were having a fun time of things in all facets of their life (and CC being G rated, well, use your imagination:).
I hope the OP reads these posts and realizes that none of know her circumstances, and also my personal hope is that things work out for her, whatever it turns out in the end. I would hope what the H said in therapy wasn’t really true, that he was that kind of person, but if he was, then this in no way, shape or form reflects on her, it reflects on him, that he could go into a marriage like that, as cold as that, and then 30 years later decide it was time for him to shed a marriage of satisfice and get what he needs, sorry, the guy is a jerk and a half. I have known couples where a spouse comes out as gay or transgender and they get split up, but there is a big difference there, most of them got married because at the time they truly found someone they liked enough to get married, with the transgender folk were both emotionally and sexually attracted to them, some of them their sexuality/gender orientation was buried, others they thought that because they loved the other person, it would ‘cure’ them of what they were if they knew, it wasn’t that cold, calculating ‘settling’ H claimed. Either he was lashing out trying to find an excuse (which still makes him somewhat of a jerk IMO) or he genuinely married for the reasons he said (which defiitely makes him a jerk in my book), one there is some hope, other than at least the OP will know
I believe there are many moms/ wives who are either self employed or working part time or are just below the threshold to get benefits from their employer.
My alcoholic grandfather used to say stuff like ‘I’ll make sure you don’t get a dime’ when my grandmother would complain about his treatment of her. It was his way of maintaining control. If she disagreed with him about an issue he would get out a suitcase and say ‘fine you want me to leave, I’ll leave’. She didn’t want that, she wanted to talk out an issue, but it was his way or no way.
The OP said in counseling he ‘reminded me’ that he married me to have a mother for kids. I wonder if he has said stuff like this over the years to keep her from complaining or disagreeing. Maybe she has asserted herself lately and this is his way of getting her back under his control.
FM, take heart, my friend was in your similar position, except H was already on match, moved out, no warning. We all worried for her, worried for finances maybe but mostly that she would be alone. She didn’t realize what she was missing in a partner until she ventured out, found love (after a number of romances) and in her early 50s, a few yrs after divorce, got married again to who seems like the love of her life.
A divorce is a qualifying event under COBRA. Ex-spouse can continue on employee’s medical plan at COBRA continuation rates for up to 36 months: same price as single employee rate plus 2% administrative fee the employer is allowed to collect.
Divorce law varies by state, but generally speaking, I do not believe the spouse is required to pay the COBRA premium for the ex-spouse. Sometimes required to provide coverage for children; age limit varies by state.
An ACA plan may be a less expensive alternative for the ex-spouse.
COBRA is not subsidized by employer, so it is a lot more expensive than what an employee would pay.
@oldfort – absolutely correct above! ACA rates are often lower than the single COBRA continuation rate, and divorce allows one to enroll mid-year.
VeryHappy - that’s very informative about pension. What happens if the pension holder should get married again? Would you have to do another calculation if he/she should get divorced 2nd or third time?
Yes - in the situation I was talking about - the W was so dumb-founded, and she did make it easy because she figured the deal was ‘fair’ and was at a low point in clear thinking. It wasn’t her ‘fault’ - clearly the H was wanting to exit for selfish reasons. There are two marriages I know recently where the H clearly had thoughts after the divorce (and maybe some regret) - ‘dating’ ex-W again etc. The one guy even had his soon to be ex-W nurse him through triple bypass and he still divorced her (quickly married the person he ‘was just sharing a house with’ but within a short time divorced her so she had no financial rights against his estate). That man totally screwed up his three daughters with male trust issues, and left his W totally devastated. One son was grown and married, but probably also damaged the single son too.
IMHO if a guy is going to be selfish, he may decide to stay in the marriage because it is easier and more financially satisfying. The better reasons can follow.
However the W may be so disgusted with H, IDK.
Has anyone seen the shows “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” - or a similar kind of title - they are situations where the couple works to get back on track with their marriage. In almost all the cases, there was some marital infidelity, but it often was done w/o really thinking through why they are doing it. The show gave each person’s perspective and the counseling behind the reconciliation. These were really quite dramatic situations.
I am so sorry for anyone facing this kind of situation, esp after a long marriage.
Here is hoping some of life transitions may be having H’s thinking ‘off’ and maybe he can get back on the marriage tracks. Know both men and women who have almost divorced, but realized it was a mistake and got their marriages back on track. IMHO, I would not throw in the towel early. I would be protecting myself financially.
She said that he said he’s lonely.
Granted, the chemistry crack was a sharp dart. But 200+ posts and we haven’t discussed loneliness as a real issue in a marriage, something that can crush.
Well I am 62, so hopefully I will have Medicare soon enough. My husband says we both should never have married. I don’t agree with that statement. My husband have been in a Chemistry Match relationship. prior to meeting me. She wanted to marry, but he was not sure, and by the time he made up his mind, she had moved on. He was afraid of repeating this mistake with me… I take responsibility for marrying a guy whom I thought could somehow begin to feel happy with me as time went on. I knew I wasn’t the light of his life. So I am at fault as well. I took a chance, and the last 30 years has been pretty wonderful. What I hate about this is having to wait such a long time while he figures out what he is going to do. I really don’t care to go through the whole dating process at this age.
Don’t the two of you have kids together? If you hadn’t married the kids wouldn’t exist.
It’s probably none of my business, but I find the concept of a couple openly acknowledging the lack of “chemistry” between them but then going on to marry anyway very unusual and outside the realm of my experience. Again, probably none of my business (and feel free to tell me that), but I’m very curious about how that would come to be. Was this an arranged marriage situation or something? By chemistry, are you referring solely to sexual attraction? Did the two of you have close bonds in other areas?
I really feel for you. It sounds like a difficult situation.
I am the rare bird who got to stay on my husband’s health insurance when we divorced. He was a state employee, and our state had a specific interpretation saying that ex-spouses of employees can be covered under the employee’s family plan indefinitely, even if the employee remarries (which he did). I was on his insurance for about 5 years after the divorce, then he retired. THEN, our state interpretation is that I could take COBRA until I am eligible for Medicare if I want to (I was 50 at the time of his retirement). My kid who was also on the family plan got only an 18 month COBRA window. Crazy… and sort of a one-off situation, but it can happen that an ex gets to stay on a health care plan.
We did have a QDRO for his pension, and his pension plan was provided with a copy when the court approved the QDRO. My attorney was very on top of that whole issue.
The existence of the kids certainly is a byproduct of a marriage, but you generally don’t marry someone simply to have kids. There has to be something before and after the kids to sustain a relationship. I am of the belief that when guys are ready to get married they do. I have always been convinced that my husband asked me to marry him because he was ready to get married and at the time I had the intuition that it was an more of a cerebral decision. All his good friends were married and having babies and i think he genuinely wanted to find someone, I wanted to marry him risks and all and fortunately it appears it will last so whatever pros and cons he had in his head, the pros have held out the test of time. So I can sorta maybe get what fauxmaven is saying her husband is teling her and at that time he probably did think it was a good decision and he probably was into it.
Not saying this is FM’s situation, but some people ‘settle’ because they have low self esteem and are surprised that this person is asking, so even though there isn’t ‘chemistry’ they feel they might not get another chance at marriage and kids.
VeryHappy, excellent explanation (from one benefits person to another!). 
Not all women in long term marriages are working at full earnings capacity. Some have health problems that prevent them from working, some may be dealing with children (inc. young adults) who need serious care, some are keeping the family corporation intact so that the DH can spend 70+ hours/week at work, and some are dealing with elders (and based on what I read on the Parents Caring for Parents thread, that includes her own parents AND/OR her in-laws!).
Let’s not forget that there are a goodly number among us who are dealing with several of the above simultaneously!
This is reminding me of a coworker. She said she had had two serious boyfriends. One really made her heart skip and sing but wouldn’t be stable and reliable. The other didn’t have the same chemistry, but she felt would provide the kind of life she wanted. She married the stable guy and four kids and decades later they were still together and very happy